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February 8 - February 12, 2024
What others do may be the stimulus of our feelings, but not the cause.
Four options for receiving negative messages: 1. blame ourselves.
2. blame others.
3. sense our own feelings and needs.
4. sense others’ feelings and needs.
Connect your feeling with your need: “I feel … because I need …”
Distinguish between giving from the heart and being motivated by guilt.
Judgments of others are alienated expressions of our own unmet needs. When we express our needs indirectly through the use of evaluations, interpretations, and images, others are likely to hear criticism. And when people hear anything that sounds like criticism, they tend to invest their energy in self-defense or counterattack. If we wish for a compassionate response
from others, it is self-defeating to express our needs by interpreting or diagnosing their behavior. Instead, the more directly we can connect our feelings to our own needs, the easier it is for others to respond to us compassionately.
If we don’t value our needs, others may not either.
First stage: Emotional slavery. We see ourselves responsible for others’ feelings.
Second stage: The obnoxious stage. We feel angry; we no longer want to be responsible for others’ feelings.
Third stage: Emotional liberation. We take responsibility for our intentions and actions.
The third component of NVC is the acknowledgment of the needs behind our feelings. What others say and do may be the stimulus for, but never the cause of, our feelings.
The more directly we can connect our feelings to our needs, the easier it is for others to respond compassionately.
We have now covered the first three components of NVC, which address what we are observing, feeling, and needing. We have learned to do this without criticizing, analyzing, blaming, or diagnosing others, and in a way likely to inspire compassion. The fourth and final component of this process addresses what we would like to request of others in order to enrich life for us.
Use positive language when making requests.
Making requests in clear, positive, concrete action language reveals what we really want.
Vague language contributes to internal confusion.
Depression is the reward we get for being “good.” Very often, my clients were able to see how the lack of awareness of what they wanted from others had contributed significantly to their frustrations and depression.
When we simply express our feelings, it may not be clear to the listener what we want them to do.
We are often not conscious of what we are requesting.
Requests may sound like demands when unaccompanied by the speaker’s feelings and needs.
The clearer we are about what we want, the more likely it is that we’ll get it.
To make sure the message we sent is the message that’s received, ask the listener to reflect it back.
Express appreciation when your listener tries to meet your request for a reflection.
Empathize with the listener who doesn’t want to reflect back.
After we express ourselves vulnerably, we often want to know (1) what the listener is feeling;
(2) what the listener is thinking; or
(3) whether the listener would be willing to take a particular action.
In a group, much time is wasted when speakers aren’t certain what response they’re wanting.
When the other person hears a demand from us, they see two options: to submit or to rebel.
To tell if it’s a demand or a request, observe what the speaker does if the request is not complied with.
It’s a demand if the speaker then criticizes or judges.
It’s a demand if the speaker then lays a guilt trip.
It’s a request if the speaker then shows empathy toward the other person’s needs.
Our objective is a relationship based on honesty and empathy.
Summary The fourth component of NVC addresses the question of what we would like to request of each other to enrich each of our lives. We try to avoid vague, abstract, or ambiguous phrasing, and remember to use positive action language by stating what we are requesting rather than what we are not.
The two parts of NVC: 1. expressing honestly 2. receiving empathically
Presence: Don’t Just Do Something, Stand There
The Chinese philosopher Chuang-Tzu stated that true empathy requires listening with the whole being: “The hearing that is only in the ears is one thing. The hearing of the understanding is another. But the hearing of the spirit is not limited to any one faculty, to the ear, or to the mind. Hence it demands the emptiness of all the faculties. And when the faculties are empty, then the whole being listens. There is then a direct grasp of what is right there before you that can never be heard with the ear or understood with the mind.”
Ask before offering advice or reassurance.
Intellectual understanding blocks empathy.
No matter what others say, we only hear what they are (1) observing, (2) feeling, (3) needing, and (4) requesting.
Listen to what people are needing rather than what they are thinking.
When asking for information, first express our own feelings and needs.
Reflect back messages that are emotionally charged.
Paraphrase only when it contributes to greater compassion and understanding.
Behind intimidating messages are merely people appealing to us to meet their needs.
A difficult message becomes an opportunity to enrich someone’s life.
