Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life: Life-Changing Tools for Healthy Relationships (Nonviolent Communication Guides)

by Marshall B. Rosenberg

Defuse stress by empathizing with others.

I empathized with clients instead of interpreting them; I revealed myself instead of diagnosing them.

Summary NVC enhances inner communication by helping us translate negative internal messages into feelings and needs. Our ability to distinguish our own feelings and needs and to empathize with them can free us from depression. By showing us how to focus on what we truly want rather than on what is wrong with others or ourselves, NVC gives us the tools and understanding to create a more peaceful state of mind. Professionals in counseling and psychotherapy may also use NVC to engender mutual and authentic relationships with their clients.

14 Expressing Appreciation in Nonviolent Communication

Compliments are often judgments—however positive-of others.

Once they sense the manipulation behind the appreciation, their productivity drops. What is most disturbing for me, however, is that the beauty of appreciation is spoiled when people begin to notice the lurking intent to get something out of them.

Express appreciation to celebrate, not to manipulate.

NVC clearly distinguishes three components in the expression of appreciation: the actions that have contributed to our well-being the particular needs of ours that have been fulfilled the pleasureful feelings engendered by the fulfillment of those needs

Saying “thank you” in NVC: “This is what you did; this is what I feel; this is the need of mine that was met.”

NVC encourages us to receive appreciation with the same quality of empathy we express when listening to other messages.

Receive appreciation without feelings of superiority or false humility. Golda Meir, when she was the Israeli prime minister, once chided one of her ministers: “Don’t be so humble, you’re not that great.”

Paradoxically, despite our unease in receiving appreciation, most of us yearn to be genuinely recognized and appreciated.

We tend to notice what’s wrong rather than what’s right.

Summary Conventional compliments often take the form of judgments, however positive, and are sometimes intended to manipulate the behavior of others. NVC encourages the expression of appreciation solely for celebration. We state (1) the action that has contributed to our well-being, (2) the particular need of ours that has been fulfilled, and (3) the feelings of pleasure engendered as a result.