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October 17 - November 4, 2020
When I hear those words, I reply: “Stop hitting your head against the wall and look for the loose brick.”
“heal the world one conversation at a time.”
Good management is the art of making problems so interesting and their solutions so constructive that everyone wants to get to work and deal with them. —PAUL HAWKEN, AUTHOR, NATURAL CAPITALISM
Most people upshift when they want to get through to other people. They persuade. They encourage. They argue. They push. And in the process, they create resistance. When you use the techniques I offer, you’ll do exactly the opposite—you’ll listen, ask, mirror, and reflect back to people what you’ve heard. When you do, they will feel seen, understood, and felt—and that unexpected downshift will draw them to you.
From resisting to listening From listening to considering From considering to willing to do From willing to do to doing From doing to glad they did and continuing to do
What happens when two people talk? That is really the basic question here, because that’s the basic context in which all persuasion takes place. —MALCOLM GLADWELL, AUTHOR, THE TIPPING POINT
Understand all three—the three-part brain, amygdala hijack, and mirror neurons—
Your brain has three layers that evolved over millions of years: a primitive reptile layer, a more evolved mammal layer, and a final primate layer.
The lower reptilian brain is the “fight-or-flight” part of your brain. This region of your brain is all about acting and reacting, without a lot of thinking going on. It can also leave you frozen in a perceived crisis—the “deer-in-the-headlights” response. The middle mammal brain is the seat of your emotions. (Call it your inner drama queen.) It’s where powerful feelings—love, joy, sadness, anger, grief, jealousy, pleasure—arise. The upper or primate brain is like Star Trek’s Mr. Spock: It’s the part that weighs a situation logically and rationally and generates a conscious plan of
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The key: a region of the brain called the amygdala. AMYGDALA HIJACK AND THE DEATH OF RATIONAL THOUGHT
Years ago, scientists studying specific nerve cells in macaque monkeys’ prefrontal cortices found that the cells fired when the monkeys threw a ball or ate a banana. But here’s the surprise: These same cells fired when the monkeys watched another monkey performing these acts
Understanding a person’s hunger and responding to it is one of the most potent tools you’ll ever discover for getting through to anyone you meet in business or your personal life.
MOVE YOURSELF FROM “OH F#@& TO OK”
The key to winning is poise under stress. —PAUL BROWN,
“When bad things happen, if you resist the temptation to do anything that will make matters worse, you will discover valuable things about your company and yourself that you would never have learned had you not taken the hit.
So the first and most important rule for taking control in a stressful situation is this: get yourself under control first. (That’s why flight attendants instruct you to put your own oxygen mask on first before placing one on your child.) The good news is that getting yourself under control is simpler than you think.
One absolutely crucial element in moving your brain from panic to logic is to put words to what you’re feeling at each stage.
Life is mostly a matter of perception and more often misperception. —DAVE LOGAN, COAUTHOR, TRIBAL LEADERSHIP AND THE THREE LAWS OF PERFORMANCE
But the problem is that while you’re hearing, you’re not listening, no matter how good your intentions and how hard you try. The reason: Your brain won’t let you.
Gender Generation (age) Nationality (or ethnicity) Education Level Emotion The sequence goes in this order because we see a person’s gender, generation, and nationality first, hear the person’s education level second, and feel the person’s level of emotionality third. Keep the GGNEE model in mind, and it’ll help you to spot subconscious filters that keep you from listening to—and reaching—other people.
Perceiving is believing. Misperceiving is deceiving— And worse yet, prevents achieving.
Self-actualizing people have a deep feeling of identification, sympathy, and affection for human beings in general. They feel kinship and connection, as if all people were members of a single family. —ABRAHAM MASLOW, PSYCHOLOGIST
Making someone “feel felt” simply means putting yourself in the other person’s shoes.
When these people make a mistake and feel criticized or embarrassed from without and humiliated from within, they often promise themselves, “Never again will I put myself in a position to be beaten up like this.” This unconsciously holds them back when they have to make a new decision that might turn out to be a mistake.
When people feel felt, they feel less alone, and when they feel less alone, they feel less anxious and afraid—and that opens them up to the message you’re trying to send. They shift from defensiveness (“Get away!”) to reason, and they’re capable of hearing your message and weighing it rationally.
1. Attach an emotion to what you think the other person is feeling, such as “frustrated,” “angry,” or “afraid.” 2. Say, “I’m trying to get a sense of what you’re feeling and I think it’s —————…” and fill in an emotion. “Is that correct? If it’s not, then what are you feeling?” Wait for the person to agree or correct you. 3. Then say, “How frustrated (angry, upset, etc.) are you?” Give the person time to respond. Be prepared, at least initially, for a torrent of emotions—especially if the person you’re talking with is holding years of pent-up frustration, anger, or fear inside. This is
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CARMEN, TRYING TO FIND OUT WHY HER EMPLOYEE DEBBIE IS STALLING ON A CRUCIAL NEW PROJECT: Debbie, I’m sensing that you have some strong feelings about me asking you to take on this project. DEBBIE: Well … yes, I guess I do. CARMEN: I’m trying to get an idea of what you’re feeling, and I’m wondering if you’re feeling a little scared about trying something so new and different. Or maybe even a lot scared. Is that right? DEBBIE (STARTING TO VENT): I was afraid to say anything, but … you know I’m not an expert at graphics, and it’s so much to learn all at once. And it’s just so much pressure, and
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Inside every person—no matter how important or famous—is a real person who needs to “feel felt.” Satisfy that need, and you’ll transform yourself from a face in the crowd to a friend or an ally.
Be More Interested Than Interesting
Boredom is what happens when I fail to make someone interesting. —WARREN BENNIS, FOUNDING CHAIRMAN, USC LEADERSHIP INSTITUTE
You’re also held hostage to your own mistakes when you fail to break through to people who either (a) don’t know you at all or (b) don’t act like they care to know you well.
If you want to have an interesting dinner conversation, be interested. If you want to have interesting things to write, be interested. If you want to meet interesting people, be interested in the people you meet—their lives, their history, their story. Where are they from? How did they get here? What have they learned? By practicing the art of being interested, the majority of people can become fascinating teachers; nearly everyone has an interesting story to tell.
the way to truly win friends and influence the best people is to be more interested in listening to them than you are in impressing them.
The more interested you are in another person, the more you narrow the person’s mirror neuron gap—that biological hunger to have his or her feelings mirrored by the outside world
How do you master the skill of being interested—and be sincere when you do it? The first key is to stop thinking of conversation as a tennis match. (He scored a point. Now I need to score a point.) Instead, think of it as a detective game, in which your goal is to learn as much about the other person as you can. Go into the conversation knowing that there is something very interesting about the person, and be determined to discover it. When you do this, your expectation will show in your eyes and body language. You’ll instinctively ask questions that let the other person fully develop an
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In a business setting, the best way I’ve discovered is to ask questions like these: “How’d you get into what you do?” (I credit Los Angeles super mediator Jeff Kichaven with this; he says it never fails to start and keep people talking.) “What do you like best about it?” “What are you trying to accomplish that’s important to you in your career (business, life, etc.)?” “Why is that important to you?” “If you were to accomplish that, what would it mean to you and what would it enable you to do?” In personal relationships—for instance, at a party or on a first date—questions like
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People love offering advice, because it makes them feel both interesting and wise.)
The measure of self-assurance is how deeply and sincerely interested you are in others; the measure of insecurity is how much you try to impress them with you.
First, select two or three people you consider deadly dull and make it your mission to discover something fascinating about them. Now, do the opposite. Select a person you find interesting … someone you wish liked and respected you more. When an opportunity arises at a party or meeting, ask questions designed to show the person that you’re interested rather than interesting. Bonus round: Are you married, or living with someone? If so, the next time you’re home together in the evening, ask, “How did that (work project, cooking experiment, etc.) that you were going to do turn out?” This will
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Everyone has an invisible sign hanging from their neck saying, “Make me feel important.
One thing most of these high-maintenance, easy-to-upset, difficult-to-please people have in common is that they feel as if the world isn’t treating them well enough. In essence, they don’t feel important or special enough in the world, usually because their awful personality has gotten in the way of success.
People who complain and cause problems typically have a serious mirror neuron gap, and the more other people avoid or ignore them, the worse it gets.
Everyone competes for time, but no one should need to compete for importance.
Help People to Exhale Emotionally and Mentally
Sometimes the most important thing in a whole day is the rest we take between two deep breaths. —ETTY HILLESUM, IN HER POSTHUMOUSLY PUBLISHED DIARY, ETTY
It’s when stress crosses over into distress that we lose sight of our important long-term goals and instead look for what will relieve us now.
If you spot the same body language in someone you’re trying to reach, don’t try to get through with facts or reason. It won’t work, because you’re not going to get anywhere until the person exhales. Understand that you can’t make the person do this—but you can make him or her want to do it.
Just as the hip bone’s connected to the thigh bone, the crossed arms in a person’s mind are connected to physically crossed arms. Get a person to uncross his arms physically, and you can get him to uncross his arms mentally.
The best thing to do when someone is venting, whining, or complaining is to avoid interrupting.
After he vents, you’ll both be exhausted. This is not to be confused with a relaxed state. The difference between exhausted and relaxed is that when you’re exhausted, you feel empty and tired and you’re not open to input. At this point, it may appear that it’s your turn to talk—but it’s not. Talking right now is the rookie mistake that most people make. If you start to talk now, Dean will close down because he’s too exhausted to listen.
