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October 17 - November 4, 2020
anger and empathy—like matter and antimatter—can’t exist in the same place at the same time. Let one in, and you have to let the other one go.
I’m sorry, I’m confused, I’m scared, I had a good reason for what I did—the
Here’s the question: If I were to ask Simon what frustrates him most about working with you, what would he say?
So, what does that make him want to do?
And how does that make her feel?
But would you two be willing to meet afterward and see if there’s a way to get Simon’s goal of making the best possible product to mesh better with Kim’s need to meet our targets?
When you use the Empathy Jolt, avoid the mistake of interjecting your own opinions during the process—even if they’re positive ones
Your goal is to get two people to mirror each other, and they can’t do that if you’re standing between them. So facilitate, but don’t butt in.
After the person says “Yes,” gently say, “Knowing how it feels to be blown off that way, would you want to do that to someone else?”
You can’t be curious and on the attack at the same moment.
THE REVERSE PLAY, EMPATHY JOLT #2 Benefit: Move a resistant underachiever all the way to the “willing to do” stage by creating empathy. Humility is the surest sign of strength. —THOMAS MERTON, AUTHOR AND TRAPPIST MONK
Tyrell says exactly what I’ve told him to say: “I’m sorry. I think there must be things I do that frustrate you a great deal, and I’d like to apologize for them. Here’s what I think those things are….”
I strongly recommend the Reverse Play if you’re dealing with someone who has the skills and ability to do a job, but isn’t giving 100 percent. Here’s how you do it.
1. First, tell the person that you’d like to get together for 10 minutes. Set a time when you can have the person’s undivided attention; if the person wants to meet with you immediately, respectfully say, “No, you’re in the middle of something and it isn’t a life-or-death matter. It’ll wait until you’re not distracted by anything else.” 2. Prepare yourself for the meeting by thinking of three specific, legitimate ways in which the other person may be disappointed or frustrated with you. For instance: Tina thinks I always give her the least interesting projects. She’s probably frustrated
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The approach works best with people who are “trainable”—those who just need a little incentive to shape up. It works less well (or not at all) with the takers and narcissists I talk about in Chapter 11, because they’re not into reciprocating.
People who respond to it by boosting their performance and working to earn your respect are keepers. As for those who continue to disappoint you instead of reciprocating your humility, don’t go ballistic and strike back as you’ll be tempted to do. Instead, just say “goodbye.”
An ounce of apology is worth a pound of resentment and a ton of “acting out by underperforming.”
“DO YOU REALLY BELIEVE THAT?” Benefit: Move a person who’s “over the top” from resistance to listening by lowering the person’s anger or fear. An exaggeration is a truth that has lost its temper. —KAHLIL GIBRAN, POET AND PHILOSOPHER
Often, all you need is that one sentence—”Do you really believe that?”—plus a follow-up question or two. For example:
THE POWER OF “HMMM….” Benefit: Calm a person who’s upset or angry, moving the person from resisting to listening and then from listening to considering. Your most unhappy customers are your greatest source of learning. —BILL GATES, MICROSOFT CHAIRMAN
“Hmmm …” is a tool to use when you’re facing a person who’s angry, defensive, and sure you’re the bad guy.
Don’t get defensive; go deeper.
THE STIPULATION GAMBIT Benefit: Move a person from considering to “willing to do” by neutralizing your weak points. Conceal a flaw, and the world will imagine the worst. —MARCUS VALERIUS MARTIAL, ROMAN POET
Frequently we invest a great deal of energy in hiding weaknesses even when they’re clear to anyone who meets us. The result: We make people uncomfortable, because they’re forced to actively ignore the problem and focus a great deal of attention on avoiding talking about it. When we make them uncomfortable, their mirror neurons can’t create an emotional connection, because they’re actively avoiding that connection. Their own minds aren’t saying, “Reach out to this person.” They’re saying: “Be careful. Don’t trust this guy. If he’s hiding this, he’s probably hiding something else.”
This same approach will work for you, but only if you do it right. Here are the three keys: Get in (quickly and efficiently describe the issue), neutralize the problem (by explaining how to handle it or why it isn’t really a problem), and get out (move on to the next topic —do not linger or go into excess detail). Here’s an example.
By baring my weaknesses to my audience, I’d created an empathy that allowed them to understand and appreciate my message. And in figuring out my mistake and overcoming it, I learned some key skills that made me a much better and more confident speaker.
If you know that something about you makes other people uncomfortable, practice ways to describe what the problem is and how other people can respond to it. Rehearse in front of a mirror until you are sure you can do this comfortably in public.
FROM TRANSACTION TO TRANSFORMATION Benefit: Move a person from considering to “willing to do” by transforming a relationship from impersonal to personal. They don’t see the sky. —AFRICAN NATIVE WALKING THROUGH MANHATTAN
“I’d like you to imagine it’s a year from now, and you and your bosses are reviewing the people you’ve hired this year—and when it comes to this position, they say, ‘Get us 10 more like that one. That person was one of the best hires we’ve had in a long time.’ Can you tell me what that person did for them and you to get such a rave review?”
Transacting is fine if your goal is to exchange information or negotiate contracts, but it has a fatal flaw: it doesn’t open the mind or the heart. A transactional communication is like an encounter with your ATM. Money comes out of your bank account, money goes into your hand, and everything’s utterly fair—but you don’t feel like saying “Gosh, thanks!” when it’s over.
To create such a life-changing event, you need to move beyond transacting to relating. How? By asking questions that let the other person tell you: “This is what I think,” This is who I am,” “This is what I want to achieve,” or “This is how you can play a part in making my life better.”
After a half-hour or so of this, I said to Bill: “To help me better understand if and how I can help you, tell me what your company and specifically your department is trying to accomplish that’s critical and important, and why your company selected that goal.”
“If you could change one thing about the direction of your company, what would it be?” “If there is one thing I can do to help you move more quickly toward your goals, what would it be?” “What’s the one thing you’re proudest of accomplishing?”
NOEMI: Just to make sure I get off on the right foot—what are three things you’d like me to always do, and three things you’d like me to never do?
“Excuse me, Dr. X, do you have a couple minutes for me to ask you a different question?”
Most doctors will be annoyed, thinking the salesperson is going to hit on them for free medical advice, but out of civility will say, “Go ahead.”
Then I tell the rep to follow with: “I’ve heard from many physicians that it’s not as much fun as it used to be and that they have to work longer and harder just to keep up. You guys work so hard, I just wanted to know if it’s still fun for you to be a doctor.”
“What would I like to be doing with my life this time next year?” or “What do I need more or less of in my life right now?” or “If my kids looked at me 20 years from now, what would make them proud of me?”
“What’s something fun or important that you think you and I should do within the next five years?”
SIDE BY SIDE Benefit: Lower another person’s guard and move the person from resistance to listening. A preaching point is not a meeting point. —MOTHER TERESA, FOUNDER OF THE MISSIONS OF CHARITY IN CALCUTTA
Sitting people down and lecturing them rarely works, because it makes them defensive—and when they’re defensive, they hide things from you. Work side by side with them in a cooperative activity, however, and you’ll lower their guard and get them to open up. That’s why hostage negotiators try to get hostage takers to commit to a shared activity, such as allowing food or medical supplies into a building. It’s also why the elders at an Amish barn-raising or quilting bee uncover more deep secrets than a spy in bed with a drunken politician.
Questioning works better than telling. That’s why Will didn’t tell Evan, “Don’t let your friends get you into trouble.” Instead, he asked questions that made Evan think, “Who’s likely to get into trouble, and what should I do if it happens?” In other words, Will didn’t talk down to Evan, or talk at him. Instead, the two talked side by side emotionally as well as physically. When you allow one revelation to lead to another without getting in the way, you learn even more. So rather than doing a “bait and switch” by luring his son into a conversation that ended with a lecture (“Well, you’d
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a management technique that’s been used successfully for decades. It’s an outstanding tool for accomplishing two goals: finding out what’s really going on in your area, and creating affinity with coworkers in the process.
One advantage of the Side-by-Side technique is that it doesn’t focus on things a person did wrong in the past. Instead, you can use it to explore ways to make things go right in the future—just as Will did when he asked Evan what he’d do if his friend got in trouble. So instead of delving into a person’s past screw-ups, you give the person a chance to avoid future ones.
The Side-by-Side technique is easy to use, but it comes with three cautions. The biggest one is: When you get people to lower their guard, don’t violate their trust. Do not use this technique to troll for negative information, or people will feel like you’re trying to spy on them or trap them rather than trying to learn from them. Accept negative information with grace, but don’t seek it out.
And that brings me to my third caution: When you ask people questions, respect their answers. If they offer a good idea, act on it (and let them know that you did). Even if they’re off base, acknowledge their remarks with a comment like, “That’s worth thinking about” or “I hadn’t looked at it that way.” If the situation warrants, acknowledge a comment by saying “Smart idea” or “I’m glad you’re on our team—I need people with creative ideas like that.”
FILL IN THE BLANKS Benefit: Move a person to the “willing to do” stage by making the person feel felt and understood. To listen well is as powerful a means of communication and influence as to talk well. —JOHN MARSHALL, CHIEF JUSTICE OF THE SUPREME COURT, 1801–1835
The Fill-in-the-Blanks approach works especially well in sales, where it catches people off guard because they’re braced for a hard sell.
DANA: I appreciate it, and I’ll make sure we’re done on time. To start, I’m hoping to get a little information: You’re thinking of buying our software, or a product like it, because (gesturing invitingly with her hand) _________________.
But the real force of the Fill-in-the-Blanks technique lies in the simple fact that you don’t tell people what they want or even ask them what they want. Instead, you get them to tell you what they want. This immediately makes people think, “Yes, yes—that’s why I’m here meeting with you.” As a result, you don’t need to put your foot in the door. Instead, the client or customer will open it for you, and invite you in.
