Just Listen: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone

by Mark Goulston

1. If I had that to do over again, what I would do differently is:

2. I would do things differently because:

3. My commitment to do this (the new action) the next time is _______. (1 = won’t do it; 5 = maybe; 10 = will do it).

4. A good person to hold me accountable for doing this would be:

TAKE IT ALL THE WAY TO “NO” Benefit: Move a person rapidly through every phase of the Persuasion Cycle from resistance to “doing,” by creating agreement where none exists. Life is a series of sales situations, and the answer is “no” if you don’t ask. —PATRICIA FRIPP, EXECUTIVE SPEECH COACH

Without missing a beat, Walter replied: “What question did I fail to ask, or what problem did I fail to address, that—if I had—would have caused you to give me a different answer?”

“I either pushed too hard or failed to address something that was important to you, didn’t I?”

“And the point where I went too far and the deal points I failed to address were —————————.”

No, it’s nothing like that. I’m just wondering if you could tell me—the question I failed to ask or the issue I didn’t address that would have made you feel differently was _______________.

“What more could I have asked for, and possibly gotten, if I hadn’t been scared of hearing “no”?

THE POWER THANK YOU AND POWER APOLOGY Benefit: Move a person from “doing” to “glad they did” and “continuing to do” by using the Power Thank You, or from resistance to listening with the Power Apology. Nine-tenths of wisdom is appreciation. —DALE DAUTEN, NEWSPAPER COLUMNIST

Part 1: Thank the person for something specific that he or she did for you. (It can also be something the person refrained from doing that would have hurt you.) Part 2: Acknowledge the effort it took for the person to help you by saying something like: “I know you didn’t have to do _______” or “I know you went out of your way to do_______.” Part 3: Tell the person the difference that his or her act personally made to you. Here’s an example of the Power Thank You in action.

A Power Apology consists of what I call the “4 Rs.” They are: Remorse: Demonstrate to the other person that you know you caused harm and you are truly sorry. For example: “I know I made you look bad in front of the boss by failing to bring the documentation you needed to make your case for the new computers. It was my fault he turned down your request and everyone has to use the old computers for another year.” When you’re doing this, allow the other person to vent and don’t become defensive even if the person is over the top. When you encourage people who are furious to get their anger off their chests, it speeds the healing process. Restitution: Find some way to make amends, at least partially. For example: “I know the whole team is pissed off about not getting the computers, and they blame you. I’m going to go to each team member and explain that it’s my fault. I can’t undo the damage, but at least I can take the blame off your shoulders.” Rehabilitation: Demonstrate through your actions that you’ve learned your lesson. If a mistake occurred because you didn’t do your job right or you shot off your mouth without thinking, do whatever it takes to avoid making the same mistake in the future. Requesting forgiveness: Don’t do this immediately, because actions speak louder than words. To truly earn forgiveness, you need to sustain your corrective actions until they become part of who you are. At this point—and not before—go back to the person you’ve hurt and say, “Are you ab...

If someone doesn’t forgive you even after you’ve done all you can to make amends, don’t assume that you’re unforgiveable; instead, realize that you may be dealing with someone who’s unforgiving. If that’s the case, don’t drive yourself nuts over it. Just let it go, and don’t work up a grudge that’ll add to your emotional baggage.

THE TEAM FROM HELL Good management consists of showing average people how to do the work of superior people. —JOHN D. ROCKEFELLER, INDUSTRIALIST AND PHILANTHROPIST

Step 1 in this process is to hold a meeting with your team. Your goal at this meeting is to increase your team members’ sense of passion, enthusiasm, and pride in your project, so use a variant of the PEP Challenge I outlined in Chapter 9. Start out like this: You are all outstanding professionals and highly skilled at what you do, and I’m lucky to have you on our team. Unfortunately, like nearly all professionals these days, we’ve all turned into silos to focus on what we need to do. The good news is that this allows us to function well in our own areas; the bad news is that it makes it more difficult for us to work synergistically and cooperatively. To beat the competition, we need to work seamlessly together like an NBA Championship team, World Series winner, Super Bowl winner, or gold medal–winning Olympic team. What gets superstars on those teams to work together and beat other teams is that they lower the competitiveness among the individuals on their own teams. Right now, our company and I need you to work together like one of those winning teams. So we’re going to build on what silos have in common, besides big walls between each other. The two things silos have in common are the sky above—which is a shared vision we all believe and enthusiastically buy into—and the ground below –which is the shared values we all want to honor and live by. Every winning team has the shared vision of winning a championship and the shared value of flawless execution. So let’s take th...

1. Keep Jonas happy.

2. Make Dirk feel needed.

3. Make Linda feel important.

4. Get Sherry’s secret out in the open.

“It’s hard to lead a cavalry charge if you think you look funny on a horse.”)

CLIMBING THE LADDER The secret of getting ahead is getting started. —AGATHA CHRISTIE, MYSTERY AUTHOR

“What are the three things I should always do and the three things I should never do to do well in this job?”

If you’re the one who stays in control when everyone else is falling apart, you’ll earn the respect and confidence of the people above you.

“I want you to imagine we are meeting for my next review and you tell me, ‘You exceeded our expectations with regard to your results, your attitude, and even with some innovative solutions that really helped our company and me.’ What can I do to make that scenario occur?”

“How do you see the company changing as a result of technological advances?” or “What do you see as our most important goals and obstacles?”

“Six meetings in two days—how do you stand it?”

Early in your career, find out who are the most powerful, respected, successful, and emotionally guarded people in the industry or field you are most passionate about.

way to develop a relationship by saying to them, “I want to learn everything you know. What’s the best way to do that?”

THE NARCISSIST AT THE TABLE The customer is sometimes wrong. —HERB KELLEHER, FORMER CHAIRMAN AND CEO, SOUTHWEST AIRLINES

“Excuse me, but before we continue, you do know that if we listen to you and drop whatever we’re doing now, we won’t be able to finish that task—which was critically important to you last week. So I need to clarify which task you’d like us to do now: the task you thought was top priority last week, or the task you think is top priority this week.”

“You’re unhappy with this design because you imagined it being more _______________.”

“I do want you to realize that we work best if you give us specific ideas and allow us time to develop them fully. We’re flexible but we are a very small firm, and we can only do our best if we have a clear idea of what you need.”

STRANGER IN TOWN The successful networkers I know, the ones receiving tons of referrals and feeling truly happy about themselves, continually put the other person’s needs ahead of their own. —BOB BURG, AUTHOR, THE SUCCESS FORMULA

Visibility, Misner says, is the first phase of growing a relationship. Visibility is where you and another individual become aware of each other, perhaps because of your PR and advertising efforts or perhaps through someone you both know. You may become personally acquainted and work on a first-name basis, but you know little about each other. Credibility is the quality of being reliable and worthy of confidence. Once you and your new acquaintance begin to form expectations of each other, and the expectations are fulfilled, your relationship can enter the credibility stage. If each person is confident of gaining satisfaction from the relationship, then it will continue to strengthen. Credibility grows when appointments are kept, promises are acted upon, facts are verified, and services are rendered. Profitability is the phase of the relationship when it becomes mutually rewarding. Do both partners gain satisfaction from it? Does it maintain itself by providing benefits to both? If it doesn’t profit both partners, it probably won’t endure. Now, here’s how to use your new skills to succeed in all three stages of Misner’s VCP Process.

Be interested rather than interesting. Talk about other people’s businesses more than yours. Ask smart questions about what people do, how they do it, and what marketing strategies work for them. Never, ever cut them short when they’re talking; instead, ask questions that will motivate them to say more.

“What effect do you think the redevelopment project will have on our businesses five years from now?” or “Where do you see this city’s economy going over the next decade?”

THE HUMAN EXPLOSION Every little thing counts in a crisis. —JAWAHARLAL NEHRU, FIRST PRIME MINISTER OF INDIA AFTER ITS INDEPENDENCE

“disgruntled employee goes berserk”

1. Say, “Tell me what happened.” Venting allows the person to begin moving from blindly striking out (the most primitive response) to feeling emotional (a higher response). The person’s screaming or yelling will upset you, but it’s far less dangerous than the threat of physical violence—so let it happen.

2. Say, “I need to make sure that I heard exactly what you said, so I don’t go off in some wrong direction. If I heard you right, what you said is….” Then repeat exactly what the person said, calmly and with no angry or sarcastic inflection in your voice, and say, “Is that correct?” When you do this, you mirror the person—that powerful connecting technique I talk about in Chapter 2. You also cause the person to move from venting to listening, which slows the brain down so the person can think more intelligently.

3. Wait until the person says “Yes.”

4. Now say, “And that makes you feel angry/frustrated/ disappointed/upset or what exactly….” Pick the word you think best describes what the person feels. If the person corrects you, ask the person to say what the actual feeling is and repeat it back and get another “Yes.” Remember that when someone attaches a word to a feeling, it lowers agitation. That’s critical.

1. Say to the person, “And the reason it’s so important to fix this or make this better now is ______________.” This fill-in-the-blanks technique requires the person to think of an answer, which opens the door to the reasoning (human) parts of the brain. One important tip: When you make this statement, emphasize the word now to show that you understand the urgency of the person’s need.

2. Illuminate the path out.

“Because if things don’t change, I’m going to explode, hurt myself, punch someone,” etc., follow with, “Really…. Please keep talking so I make certain I really understand this” (said without question or sarcasm, but in a way to emphasize that you are really listening). Then say, “If that’s the case, let’s figure out how to get through this so you don’t do something that will make a really bad situation worse. I know we can, because you’ve been here before and you got through it. In fact, while we’re at it, let’s figure out a solution so you never have to get to this place again.”

Object constancy is the ability to retain a positive attachment to another person even if you’re disappointed, hurt, or angry with the person.

Getting Through to Yourself Don’t find fault. Find a remedy. —HENRY FORD, INVENTOR

And don’t confuse “reasonable” with “realistic.” Reasonable means “makes sense.” Realistic, on the other hand, means “likely to happen.” For instance, it may be reasonable to decide on January 1 that you’re going to sign up for your MBA classes, never yell at your kids again, and start running marathons—but it’s probably not realistic. It typically makes more sense to pick one goal that’s likely to be attainable and focus on it. When you have that goal in mind, use this approach to achieving it:

1. Practice physical awareness. Identify sensations like tension, a pounding heart, a craving, or lightheadedness. Pinpoint them and give them a name. This will help you control them. 2. Practice emotional awareness. Attach an emotion to the sensations you’re feeling. For instance, say to yourself, “I’m very angry” or “I’m desperate.” Naming your feeling will help prevent the amygdala hijack I talk about in Chapter 2. 3. Practice impulse awareness. Say to yourself, “This feeling makes me want to _____________.” Being aware of your impulse will help you resist it. 4. Practice consequence awareness. Answer this question: “If I follow through with this urge, what is likely to happen?” 5. Practice solution awareness. Complete this sentence: “A better thing to do would be….” 6. Practice benefit awareness. Say to yourself, “If I do that better thing the benefits will be….” By the time you get through these six steps, you’ll know what you need to do to stay on course and avoid a potentially disastrous meltdown—and you’ll be calm enough to listen to your own advice. This is also a terrific tool to use to talk your children through their upsets. Get in the habit of doing this when they’re young, and they’ll internalize it into their personality. This will help them stay cool, calm, and collected under pressure when they’re older.