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October 17 - November 4, 2020
Instead, pause after he’s unloaded on you, and then simply say, “Tell me more.” Doing this has several positive effects:
Sometimes you can help a person who’s venting to exhale by saying at some point, “Close your eyes, and just breathe.” (I used this approach with Alex.) This triggers what Herbert Benson, a pioneer in the field of mind/body medicine, described as the relaxation response
If you’re trying to reach someone who’s suppressing his or her feelings, ask, “Have I ever made you feel that I don’t respect you?” or “Have I ever made you feel that you weren’t worth listening to?”
CHECK YOUR DISSONANCE AT THE DOOR
The most successful people are those who don’t have any illusions about who they are. —BUD BRAY, AUTHOR, IS IT TOO LATE TO RUN AWAY AND JOIN THE CIRCUS?
The greatest single cause of dissonance is the fact that people behave their worst when they feel most powerless.
Arrogant “Hyper” Needy Overly opinionated Impulsive Rigid Nitpicking Passive Indecisive Demanding Hostile Stuffy Oversensitive Sly Untrustworthy Melodramatic Rude Shy
Pessimistic Abrupt Excessively perky Closed minded
By the way, if you’d like to super-charge this feedforward process, read Goldsmith’s book What Got You Here Won’t Get You There. I don’t gratuitously recommend books, but this one is a must for any manager (and I recommend it for any human).
Three of my favorite behaviors from the book are “adding too much value,” “starting with ‘no,’ ‘but,’ or ‘however,’” and “telling the world how smart we are.” I love these because (a) you can just see the mirror neuron gap they create; (b) they are wonderful examples of not listening; and (c) I sometimes suffer from all of them. I’m not exaggerating when I say that if you have counter-productive or toxic behaviors you need to overcome, this book can change your life.
After witnessing this scenario time after time, I developed a procedure called the PEP CEO Challenge to solve the problem. It’s meant for corporate leaders, but you can tweak it to diagnose and repair dissonance in a smaller work group—or even in your own family, if they’re willing. But one warning before you start: This tool is not for the faint of heart or for people who, in the words of Jack Nicholson in A Few Good Men, “can’t handle the truth.”
Passion is about the vision of the company. People want to believe that they’re doing an important job that makes a difference to their customers and clients, and puts a smile on their faces. Enthusiasm is about execution. Even with a great vision, people lose their enthusiasm and fail to accomplish what they’re capable of doing if their leaders are dropping the ball. Pride is about ethics, because few people feel proud if their company is doing something dishonest. It’s also about doing something meaningful, because as people grow older, leaving the world better than they found it
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WHEN YOU CAN’T AVOID DISSONANCE, ANTICIPATE IT
“When you really get where people are coming from—and they get that you get them—they’re more likely to let you take them where you want them to go.”
WHEN ALL SEEMS LOST—BARE YOUR NECK Don’t be afraid of sharing your vulnerabilities. Vulnerability doesn’t make you weak, it makes you accessible. Know that your vulnerability can be your strength. —KEITH FERRAZZI, AUTHOR, WHO’S GOT YOUR BACK
Your own mirror neuron gap widens. You don’t feel understood because you can’t be understood. That’s because nobody has a clue what’s going on with you. You’re on your own, and it’s a self-inflicted wound. The person whose respect you’re worried about losing (a parent, a boss, a child, a partner) can’t mirror your distress and understand it. Instead, the person will mirror the attitude you’re using to mask your distress. If you’re using anger to cover up fear, you’ll get anger in return. If you’re using a “screw you” attitude to hide your feelings of helplessness, you’ll get back
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In other words, assertive vulnerability isn’t weakness—it’s power.
Steer Clear of Toxic People A toxic person robs you of your self-esteem and dignity and poisons the essence of who you are. —LILIAN GLASS, PSYCHOLOGIST
There are three ways to do this. The first is to confront these people directly. The second is to neutralize them. The third is to walk away and make sure they don’t follow you.
There’s mildly needy, which isn’t a big problem, and then there’s drain-your-blood needy. It’s the people in the second category you have to worry about.
“I’m getting close to avoiding you, because almost every time I ask you about something you haven’t done you make an excuse or blame someone else. And almost every time I confront you about ways in which you need to improve, you either act hurt, start to cry, or get angry. All of us feel disappointed, hurt, or upset from time to time, but if you get angry or emotional each time, it’s too exhausting to be around. You have the right to react in any way you choose, but I have the right to excuse myself or avoid you—which is what I will do And that’s not going to help our relationship. So I hope
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They demand more than they whine. They desperately fear abandonment. They cycle between idealizing you (“You’re my reason for living”) and devaluing you (“You’re selfish, just like everybody else”). They have no core personality. They seem empty because they are empty, and to fill that hole they parasitically latch on to whoever is closest. They act impulsively. For instance, they seek out unsafe sex or drive far too fast. They have extreme mood swings, often have angry outbursts, and may threaten suicide. They may act paranoid (“You act like you care but you’re just out
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When a bully tries to intimidate you by verbally attacking you, do this. Make eye contact. Act perfectly polite but ever-so-slightly bored, as if your mind is elsewhere. Let your body language transmit the same message: Stand up straight, be relaxed, and cock your head as if you’re listening but not very hard. Let your arms hang casually, instead of folding them defensively across your chest. Often, this response makes bullies feel uncomfortable or even foolish and causes them to back down. If you’re in a position where you can take some risks, you have additional options when it comes to
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They’re the ones who hit you up every day for a favor (“Could you cover the phones for me?” “Take my kids to soccer practice?” “Pick up the lunch tab?”). Strangely, however, they never seem to have time or energy to help you in return.
Also, identify takers ahead of time and always have a request ready to ask of them.
A narcissist’s motto is, “So … enough about you.” (And that’s true even if you haven’t opened your mouth yet!) Narcissists are always on center stage, expecting you to sit in the wings and clap for them. They’ll interrupt your stories, ignore your successes while trumpeting theirs, and expect you to treat their problems as vastly more serious than what they see as your own petty issues.
For instance, if your business partner is a narcissist, manage your expectations by never expecting the person to do something that is not in his or her best interest. That way you won’t feel blindsided when the person acts narcissistically, and you’ll be able to keep your wits about you.
rating the person on a 1-to-3 scale (1 = rarely; 2 = sometimes; 3 = frequently): How often does the person need to be right at all costs? How often does the person act impatient with you for no good reason? How often does the person interrupt you in the middle of what you’re saying, and yet take offense if you interrupt? How often does the person expect you to drop whatever you’re thinking about and listen to him or her—and does the person take offense when you expect the same in return? How often does the person talk more than he or she listens? How often does the person say
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Nearly all politicians are narcissists (who else would put their families through all that?). So are most actors, and many hard-driving lawyers and CEOs.
If you’re hesitant to say “No,” you may be neurotic. If you’re truly afraid to say “No,” you’re probably dealing with a toxic person. And if nobody ever says “No” to you, that toxic person could be you.
Can I count on this person to provide me with practical assistance? Emotional support? Financial support? Prompt and willing help when I’m in trouble? Wherever you see lots of “no” answers, think about expecting more from that person—or about easing the person out of your life.
THE IMPOSSIBILITY QUESTION Benefit: Move a person from listening to considering—and from “Yes … but” to “Yes!” Most of the things worth doing in the world had been declared impossible before they were done. —LOUIS D. BRANDEIS, 20TH-CENTURY SUPREME COURT JUSTICE
who’s trying to transform a vision into reality—your biggest problem isn’t realizing that your goal is possible. It’s talking other people into seeing that it’s possible.
It’s getting your coworkers, your clients, your employees, your boss, your investors, or your family to go from “we can’t do it” to “maybe we can do it” to “let’s do it.”
The Impossibility Question works with a person who’s somewhere between resisting and listening, but not ready to move to considering.
YOU: What’s something that would be impossible to do, but if you could do it, would dramatically increase your success? OTHER PERSON: If I could just do ____, but that’s impossible. YOU: Okay. What would make it possible?
“What’s something that would be impossible?” and, “What would make it possible?” What’s so powerful about those two questions? They move a person from a defensive, closed position or a selfish, excuse-making stance into an open, thinking attitude.
What would make it possible?”
THE MAGIC PARADOX Benefit: Shift another person from resistance to listening—from “nobody understands” to “you understand.” Do the unexpected. The expected is boring. The expected is tuned out. —STEVE STRAUSS, AUTHOR, THE SMALL BUSINESS BIBLE
Here’s what you don’t do if you’re smart.
You don’t go to Art and say something like, “Look, I know things are tough but you need to get your act together. You know how to do this job, and I know you can pull it off. Just set some targets, and I’m sure you can get caught up in time. All of us are under pressure, and we’re counting on you.”
Empathize with his negative thoughts.
“I’ll bet you feel that nobody knows what it’s like to be scared that you can’t pull this project off. And I’ll bet that you’re upset because you think we’re all feeling let down by you.
What’s more, I’ll bet you feel that nobody can possibly understand how hard it is to deal with all the stuff ...
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Without even thinking, I blurted out, “I never knew it was so bad. And I can’t help you kill yourself, but if you do, I will still think well of you. I’ll miss you, and maybe I’ll understand why you
I’ll bet you feel that there is almost never a time when you aren’t letting someone down. If it’s not your child, it’s the office; if it’s not the office, it’s your child. Isn’t that true?”
“I’ll bet you feel that there is no way you’re going to be able to do what it is that I’m asking you to do, isn’t that true?”
“And I’ll bet you’re hesitant to tell me straight out that you can’t get it done, isn’t that also true?”
“In fact you may be thinking that the only way to get that done would be to do ______.”
THE EMPATHY JOLT Benefit: Transition a person from resisting to “willing to do” in a single step, by changing the dynamics of a relationship. Great anger is more destructive than the sword. —INDIAN PROVERB
