Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man, Expanded Edition: What Men Really Think About Love, Relationships, Intimacy, and Commitment

by Steve Harvey

I firmly believe women need to step back every once in a while and let the man show you what he’s made of—you know, prove that he’s worthy of your time.

biggest mistakes women make early on in the relationship is laying out in full detail all the things you love a man to do for you, without giving him a chance to show you what he’s willing to do for you.

He did everything you like because you told him what you like.

Then, as your relationship progresses, watch his actions.

requirements, and I’ve left space for you to document your list: 1. What specific kind of man are you looking for? (For example, funny? Hardworking? Generous?) 2. How do you expect to be pursued? (Do you want regular phone calls? Text messages? Dates at least three times a week? Do you want him to always pick up the tab?) 3. What level of commitment do you expect? (Do you want an open relationship? Or to date exclusively? Should it be up for

What kind of financial security do you expect this man to have? (Do you want him to be rich? Do you want him to make more money than you? Are you okay with a blue-collar worker?) 5. Do you want a man who wants kids and is family oriented? 6. Does he have to be religious/spiritual? 7. Do you mind if he’s a divorcé or has kids?

8. Can you help a man build his dream? Can you adapt to his plan? 9. What do you expect of his family? (Should you get along with his mother? Do you care if he doesn’t get along with her? Or if his father was never around?) 10. What should he be willing to do to woo you? (Should he pursue you? Give you expensive gifts?)

Start by making the man be really clear up front about what he wants out of his life and his relationship with you. You do this by asking him these key five questions—

They’re great questions, too—the answers will tell you everything you need to know about this guy in your life or the guy you hope to have in your life.

WHAT ARE YOUR SHORT-TERM GOALS?

These three things, as I’ve already told you, are extremely important to any mature, grown man, and you have every right to know what he’s doing right now, and what he’s planning over the next three to five years, to be the real,

WHAT ARE YOUR LONG-TERM GOALS?

Trust me on this: a man who really has a vision for where he wants to see himself in ten years has looked into his future and seriously considered what it’ll take for him to get there. It means he has foresight, and he’s plotting out the

WHAT ARE YOUR VIEWS ON RELATIONSHIPS? Now this one is a multiple-part question that sizes up how a man feels about a gamut of relationships—from how he feels about his parents and kids to

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT ME? Now, this one you’ll have to ask after a few dates, because he’s going to need time to get to know you. But his answer will be critical because it will reveal to you what his plans for you are. If you’ve been out on a couple of dates and you’ve had lots of conversation, you know something about him, but what’s more important, you want to know what he is thinking about you. You have a right to know. Oh, trust me, he thought

HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT ME? Now this is not to be confused with what do you “think” about me—“think” and “feel” are two wholly different things. And if a man cannot tell you how he feels about you after a month of dating, it’s because he doesn’t feel anything for you—he just wants something. Ask a man how he feels about you, and he’s going to get confused and nervous: “I told you before—I think you’re . . .” he begins.

We men are fully aware that we have to answer these questions, and any real man is going to answer them.

A directive like that signals to a man that you are not a plaything—someone to be used and discarded. It tells him that what you have—your benefits—are special, and that you need time to get to know him and his ways to decide if he deserves them.

Hold on, I know what you’re thinking: you’re thinking that if he doesn’t get sex from you, he’ll go and get it somewhere else, and you will have lost out on that one chance to get him to be your man—or he’ll think you’re playing games if you make him wait, and he’ll move on to

Don’t give up that power. Keep it. You only give up that power when the man has earned it, and he is going to respect it and do something with it.

How does he react when you tell him you’ve got some problems?

How does your man react under pressure?

How does he react to bad news?

How does he react when he’s told “no”? Let’s just get right to the crux of this whole chapter:

1. Go on dates that help you find out each other’s interests: if he’s into photography, hit up a photography exhibit at the local museum; if you’re into cooking, take a cooking class together.

Host a barbecue at your house and invite him to meet your friends and family; a good guy should be comfortable meeting the people you love. 3. Go to church together; know that he’s interested. 4. Sign up for a sexy Latin dance class so you can learn some new moves—it’ll show you if he’s into trying new things, and you can tell if the man has, um, rhythm. 5. Go out for a picnic in the park with the kids; see if he’s comfortable with them. 6. Find out each other’s favorite artists and attend a concert together. 7. Release your inner kid and spend an evening playing games at an arcade.

Have a few “firsts” together—go horseback riding together, or hit up a batting cage, or fall all over each other at the ice skating rink. 9. Volunteer together—help out at a local soup kitchen or read books to kids at a local foster home; you can tell a lot about a man who’s willing to help others. 10. Rent a convertible and get lost cruising in your city; you’ll have plenty of time to talk on a long drive. 11. Find a quiet place where you can watch the sunset together. 12. Play a board game. 13. Go for a long walk under a starlit sky.

Send each other naughty e-mails, so he can be sure that when he does get it, it’s going to be good. (And you can make sure he’s literate while you’re at it.) 15. Read a passage out of each other’s favorite books. 16. Have a movie night in which you both bring your favorite DVDs. 17. Go to a record store and listen to each other’s favorite artists. 18. Challenge each other to do something silly, like build a sandcastle at the beach or a game of jacks or marbles. 19. Hit up a comedy show; you can learn a lot about a person by what they find funny and what they think is offensive.

YOU KNOW HE’LL MAKE A GOOD FATHER IF. . . 1. He tells you he likes kids, and actually would like to have one someday. 2. He expresses interest in meeting your children. 3. He shows up to the house with gifts—for the kids. (Of course, if he brings an Xbox for Mikey and disappears for a few hours, then that might be a problem.) 4. He lets the children see that he sincerely respects and likes (and even loves) their mother.

He makes a kid-friendly date with you and invites your children along. 6. He takes you and the kids to church. 7. He has a good job and a solid work history. 8. He’s kind to his mother and checks in with her often (but mama’s boys need not apply). 9. His nieces and nephews spend considerable time with him. 10. He has younger siblings he helped care for when he was younger—and they made it through, unscathed. 11. He has a pet, and it actually gets fed and taken care of. 12. He keeps his house clean and knows how to cook a few decent meals.

He’s financially prepared to care for you and your children, or he has the desire to. 14. He can and is willing to comfort your child when she hurts herself. (If he starts hyperventilating at the sight of blood, this might be a situation—especially if he’s already told you he’s a doctor.) 15. He doesn’t faint at the sight of diapers. 16. He can get down and dirty with your children—squirting them with a water hose, shooting hoops at the park, getting buried in the sand at the beach—and like it. (Though you don’t want him to get too excited about playing “Tea Party” with the dolls.) 17. He doesn’t lose his mind when someone spills food and drinks in his car, or puts

footprint on the back of his seat—it shows he’s not so fussy about messy kids (because nothing wrecks your car quicker than having kids; his seats will see the inside of a Happy Meal). 18. He can make it through a one-on-one game with your child and maybe even let him win once (Note: dunking on an eight-year-old and yelling, “In your face!” is not something a good potential father would do). 19. He’s willing and able to teach you how to play a sport—which shows he has the patience of Job. 20. He’s willing to go to family functions with you and the kids—even after hearing the stories about your crazy aunt Thelma and how she likes to get a little tipsy and call out your new boyfriends in front of company.

He’s actually interested in how your child is doing in school, and not only encourages him to do well, but gives suggestions on how he can excel. 22. He can be gentle with your kids, but he’s capable of being firm with them, too (though you don’t want to see him start taking off his belt within the first half hour of meeting the children; I know kids can be bad, but that’s a little much). 23. He’s capable of forgiveness, and shows that, even when your kid does the seemingly unforgivable—or at least the highly questionable.

Appreciating a man, not undermining his confidence, is the best way to get the best out of your guy.

and especially letting him be a man. Now, I’m convinced that being a

Don’t tell him where you’d like to go—

Don’t tell him you’ll drive—

Don’t tell him you want to go dutch—

Don’t invite him up for a nightcap—kiss him good night and let him figure out what

Don’t try to fix the sink, the car, the toilet, or anything else—

Don’t take out the garbage, paint, or mow the lawn—

Don’t do any of the heavy

lifting—he was born with

Don’t be afraid to make a meal or two—

Don’t wear a T-shirt to bed every night—a little lingerie never hurt anybody.

the ultimate commitment—The Ring.

men are pretty clear that marriage is what women want—that despite your independence, despite the statistics that say half the marriages in America end in divorce, despite the amount of time,

Don’t be afraid to lose him,

because if a man truly loves you, he’s not going anywhere.

Be Cool.