Thanks for the Feedback: The Science and Art of Receiving Feedback Well

by Douglas Stone

When we give feedback, we notice that the receiver isn’t good at receiving it.

When we receive feedback, we notice that the giver isn’t good at giving it.

we soon realized that the key player is not the giver, but the receiver.

Feedback includes any information you get about yourself. In the broadest sense, it’s how we learn about ourselves from our experiences and from other people—how we learn from life.

The term “feed-back” was coined in the 1860s during the Industrial Revolution to describe the way that outputs of energy, momentum, or signals are returned to their point of origin in a mechanical system.

When feedback meets resistance or is rejected outright, feedback givers are encouraged to be persistent. They are taught how to push harder.

the receivers are in control of what they do and don’t let in, how they make sense of what they’re hearing, and whether they choose to change.

Creating pull is about mastering the skills required to drive our own learning;

Learning about ourselves can be painful—sometimes brutally so—and the feedback is often delivered with a forehead-slapping lack of awareness for what makes people tick.

Receiving feedback sits at the intersection of these two needs—our drive to learn and our longing for acceptance.

We call them “Truth Triggers,” “Relationship Triggers,” and “Identity Triggers.”

Truth Triggers are set off by the substance of the feedback itself—it’s somehow off, unhelpful, or simply untrue.

Relationship Triggers are tripped by the particular person who is giving us this gift of feedback.

Identity Triggers focus neither on the feedback nor on the person offering it.

The very first task in assessing feedback is figuring out what kind of feedback we are dealing with. Broadly, feedback comes in three forms: appreciation (thanks), coaching (here’s a better way to do it), and evaluation (here’s where you stand).

And sometimes, it’s just feedback in our blind spot.

So Kip and Nancy have each learned something from their conversation.

Managing truth triggers is not about pretending there’s something to learn, or saying you think it’s right if you think it’s wrong.

working hard to first understand.

RELATIONSHIP TRIGGERS: I CAN’T HEAR THIS FEEDBACK FROM YOU

relationship triggers can get tripped even when we have only twenty seconds of relationship history at this red light.

We call this dynamic Switchtracking.

but she is effectively changing the topic from Sam’s feedback

But they are two different topics, and should be two different conversations.

Identify the Relationship System

When they blame you, and it feels unfair, blaming them back is not the answer.

two very different ways people tell their identity story and the effect that can have on how we experience criticism, challenge, and failure.

One identity story assumes our traits are “fixed”:

Those who handle feedback more fruitfully have an identity story with a different assumption at its core.

They have what is called a “growth” identity.

And we can help each other to stay balanced along the way.

Truth Triggers (and the challenge

In the second kind of coaching feedback, the feedback giver is not responding to your need to develop certain skills.

The “problem” the coaching is aimed at fixing is how the giver is feeling, or a perceived imbalance in the relationship.

But they’re not doing so in a way that matters.

First, it has to be specific. This is tricky; most of us offer both appreciation and positive evaluation in grand strokes like “Good work!” or “You were fabulous!” or “Thanks for everything!”

Mutual Appreciation Deficit Disorder (MADD),

Second, appreciation has to come in a form the receiver values and hears clearly.

Third, meaningful appreciation has to be authentic.

appreciation inflation sets in, and the currency becomes worthless.

Using appreciation as a currency for what?

Coaching shortfalls mean that learning, productivity, morale, and relationships all suffer.

First, I might want a different type of feedback from the type you gave me—for

Second, you may have intended to give me one kind of feedback, but I interpreted it incorrectly—for

Once crossed, these wires are tough...

(1) What’s my purpose in giving/receiving this feedback? (2) Is it the right purpose from my point of view? (3) Is it the right purpose from the other person’s point of view?

The bugle blast of evaluation can drown out the quieter melodies of coaching and appreciation.

Evaluation is the loudest and can drown out the other two. (And all coaching includes a bit of evaluation.)

The most common advice about feedback is this: Be specific.

There’s a looking-back component (“here’s what I noticed”), and a looking-forward component

So to clarify the feedback under the label we need to “be specific” about two things: (1) where the feedback is coming from, and (2) where the feedback is going.