The Peacemaker

by Ken Sande

have been enriched

in every ...

all

all

you do not lack any spir...

blameless

When he finally got around to addressing errors in the congregation, his readers were already standing on a foundation of hope and encouragement.

!!

He begins both letters by drawing attention to what God has done in each of these churches (Phil. 1:3–11; Col. 1:3–23). Then he continues to refer to the gospel as he moves from issue to issue.

I’ve seen this approach open the door for repentance and peace.

The more hope you give by focusing on what God has done and is doing for us, the more likely others will be to listen to your concerns, acknowledge their wrongs, and move toward reconciliation.

listen carefully to what others are saying.

“My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry” (James 1:19).

Context-- @ God's Word

Waiting patiently while others talk is a key listening skill.

Try not to jump to premature conclusions about what others are thinking; give them time and hear them out. Discipline yourself not to interrupt others while they are speaking. Learn to be comfortable with silence and do not respond the moment there is a pause. And do not offer immediate solutions to every problem others bring to you. Sometimes they already know what they should do, but they need to have someone allow them to talk it through.

The human mind can think at least four times faster than a person can talk.

Moreover, others can usually tell when you are distracted, which discourages them in their efforts to communicate.

“Are you saying . . . ?” “Tell me more about . . .” “Can you give me an example?” “I’m confused about . . .” “Let me see if I understand . .

Reflecting does not require that you agree with what the other person says; it simply reveals whether you comprehend another person’s thoughts and feelings.

This doesn’t mean you abandon your beliefs, but rather that you acknowledge what you know is true before addressing points of disagreement. Agreeing

Agreeing is especially important when you have been in the wrong.

Ask yourself, “Is there any truth in what he or she is saying?” If your answer is “yes,” acknowledge what is true and identify your common ground before moving to your differences. Doing so is a sign of wisdom and spiritual maturity. “Let a righteous man strike me—it is a kindness; let him rebuke me—it is oil on my head. My head will not refuse it” (Ps. 141:5). “He who listens to a life-giving rebuke will be at home among the wise” (Prov. 15:31; cf. 15:5; 17:10; 25:12).

One reason we are sometimes reluctant to admit being wrong on one issue is that we fear it will seem like we are accepting responsibility for the entire problem.

The more quickly you agree with what is true and accept responsibility for your own actions, the more open the other person may be if you later say, “Okay, we’ve agreed on some things I did wrong. How do you think you contributed to this problem?”

clear, constructive, and persuasive

peacemakers are people who breathe grace to others in the midst of conflict. Since we cannot breathe out what we have not breathed in, this process hinges on our moment-to-moment relationship with God.

studying and meditating on his Word, praying to him, thanking him for his mercy and rejoicing in our salvation, worshiping him, partaking of the Lord’s Supper, and enjoying the fellowship of other believers.

your attitude will usually carry more weight than your actual words.

Making a charitable judgment means that out of love for God you strive to believe the best about others until you have facts to prove otherwise.

If you fail to heed this principle, people will often sense that you have already made up your mind about them and that it is pointless to talk with you.

ask God to put a love into your heart that is not naturally there (1 Cor.

gentleness and patience and by showing genuine concern for their well-being and interests (Phil. 2:3–4).

Even so, it is wise to take a gentle approach first and get firmer only as necessary (1 Thess. 5:14–15). Strong words are more likely to evoke defensiveness and antagonism, and once a conversation takes on this tone, it is difficult to move to a friendlier plane.

Instead, talk with them as though you are standing side by side at the foot of the cross.

In fact, unless someone specifically admits to a desire that is patently sinful, you can never know for sure what is going on in their hearts.

The best starting point is to humbly describe the idols you have found in your own heart and confess how they have caused you to sin in this conflict or other similar situations. Refer specifically to passages like James 4:1–3 and Matthew 15:19, and explain how God is helping you recognize and fight against idolatrous desires in your own heart.

If the other person seems generally receptive to this concept, graciously suggest that perhaps he too is being influenced by good desires that have...

Unless it is necessary, do not talk about sensitive matters in front of others.

although letters are often useful, personal conversations are usually superior when it comes to reconciling people and resolving problems.

One of the fastest ways to make people defensive is to abruptly announce what they have done wrong.

Therefore, it is wise to think carefully about how to open a conversation in a way that shows genuine concern for the other person and engages him in listening to your words without being defensive.

your goal should be to describe your concern in a way that captures others’ attention, appeals to their values, and gives hope that the issue can be resolved constructively. The more you engage another’s heart and the less you declare his or her wrongs, the more likely he or she is to listen to you.

whenever you need to communicate important information, think carefully about your words and look for ways that they might be vague, imprecise, or potentially misleading. As you tighten up what you say, you can prevent many of the misunderstandings that fuel conflict.

planning your words

The issues that you believe need to be addressed. (Define the problem as narrowly as possible so you can focus on the central issues and not get distracted by minor details.) Words and topics that do not need to be included in your discussion and should be avoided because they are likely to offend the other person. Analogies or metaphors that the other person will understand and value. Words that describe your feelings (e.g., concerned, frustrated, confused, disappointed). A description of the effect the problem is having on you and others. Your suggestions and preferences for a solution to the problem. The benefits that will be produced by cooperating to find a solution.

make every effort to use words that are gracious, clear, and constructive.

First, they tell the other person how his or her conduct is affecting you.

reduce defensiveness and encourage concern

Second, this kind of statement identifies what the other person has done that ...

By defining the problem specifically and not bringing in unrelated issues, you further reduce the chance of threatening the other person. Third, an “I” statement can explain why this issue is i...

keep your remarks as objective as possible.