The Peacemaker

by Ken Sande

Keep Ephesians 4:29 in mind. Don’t quote the Bible to tear others down, but only to build them up in the Lord.

If you can show a person a reasonable way out of a predicament, he or she may be more inclined to listen to you. Hope is a key ingredient in promoting repentance and change. At the same time, try not to give the impression that you have all the answers. Make it clear that your suggestions are just a starting point and offer to discuss any ideas the other person has.

God calls us to be concerned with faithfulness, not with results. If you prayerfully prepare, speak the truth in love, and do all you can to effectively communicate your concerns to the other person, you will have succeeded in God’s eyes

Since prolonged conflict usually involves sin (James 4:1), this passage is directly applicable to peacemaking.

we should try to keep the circle of people involved in a conflict as small as possible for as long as possible.

To begin with, evaluate how you can use the situation as an opportunity to glorify God, serve others, and grow to be like Christ (see chapters 1–3). Then seriously consider resolving the dispute unilaterally by overlooking minor offenses and giving up certain personal rights (see chapter 4).

By mutual agreement. If you and your opponent cannot resolve a dispute in private, you can suggest that the two of you ask one or more unbiased individuals to meet with you in an effort to facilitate more productive dialogue. These

But if you are dealing with spiritually mature reconcilers, this potential for bias should be more than offset by their commitment before God to do what is just and right.

someone who knows you well will have greater freedom to be honest and frank, and that is exactly what you need in a reconciler.

While mutual agreement is always preferable, it is not actually required if your opponent professes to be a Christian.

make every effort not to give them unnecessary details about the conflict. Simply explain that you and the other person are at odds and need their help.

This does not mean standing up in a worship service and broadcasting the conflict to church members and visitors alike, since unwarranted publicity is totally inconsistent with the intent of Matthew 18.

inform the leadership of the other person’s church (and probably yours as well) of the problem and request their assistance in promoting justice and peace by holding both of you accountable to God’s Word and to your commitments.4

As Dietrich Bonhoeffer writes, “Nothing is so cruel as the tenderness that consigns another to his sin. Nothing can be more compassionate than the severe rebuke that calls a brother back from the path of sin.”7

After he got over his initial shock, the husband said, “You mean I’ll be kicked out of the church for divorcing my wife?” “Under these circumstances,” the pastor replied, “yes.” Hearing this, the husband lost his temper and ordered the pastor out of his home.

Ten years later, they are still raising their family together and thanking God for a pastor who cared enough to get involved the way Jesus commanded.

Forgiveness is not a feeling. It is an act of the will. Forgiveness involves a series of decisions, the first of which is to call on God to change our hearts.

forgiveness is not forgetting.

Forgiving is an active process; it involves a conscious choice and a deliberate course of action. To put it another way, when God says that he “remembers your sins no more” (Isa. 43:25), he is not saying that he cannot remember our sins. Rather, he is promising that he will not remember them. When

Finally, forgiveness is not excusing. Excusing says, “That’s okay,” and implies, “What you did wasn’t really wrong,” or “You couldn’t help it.” Forgiveness

Having never learned the true meaning of forgiveness, many people keep a record of the wrongs of others and bring them up again and again.

Aphiemi, a Greek word that is often translated as “forgive,” means to let go, release, or remit. It often refers to debts that have been paid or canceled in full

Charizomai, another word for “forgive,” means to bestow favor freely or unconditionally. This word shows that forgiveness is undeserved and cannot be earned

but they exact a high price from you in the long run. As someone once said, “Unforgiveness is the poison we drink, hoping others will die.”

You may need to bear certain effects of the other person’s sin over a long period of time. This may involve fighting against painful memories, speaking gracious words when you really want to say something hurtful, working to tear down walls and be vulnerable when you still feel little trust, or even enduring the consequences of a material or physical injury that the other person is unable or unwilling to repair.

Forgiveness can be extremely costly, but if you believe in Jesus, you have more than enough to make these payments.

Therefore, forgiveness may be described as a decision to make four promises: “I will not dwell on this incident.” “I will not bring up this incident again and use it against you.” “I will not talk to others about this incident.” “I will not let this incident stand between us or hinder our personal relationship.”

The first stage requires having an attitude of forgiveness, and the second, granting forgiveness.

Instead, you pray for the other person and stand ready at any moment to pursue complete reconciliation as soon as he or she repents.

Granting forgiveness is conditional on the repentance of the offender and takes place between you and that person

Until then, you may need to talk with the offender about his sin or seek the involvement of others to resolve the matter

The four promises are a human attempt to summarize the key elements of God’s marvelous forgiveness for us. As a human device, they are limited and imperfect and should not be used in a rigid or mechanical fashion.

In doing so, you are not breaking the second promise, because you are not bringing up his past wrong to use it against him. Rather, you are bringing it up for his good, to use it for his benefit.

When someone has confessed a wrong and you have forgiven him, you should not bring it up again unless there is a very compelling reason to do so.

This is not to say that God is unmerciful; he is quick to remove the penalty of separation (2 Sam. 12:13) and often spares us from many of the consequences of our sins. When he does allow certain consequences to remain, it is always to teach us and others not to sin again.

The important thing to remember is that once a person has expressed repentance, God calls you to truly forgive and to remove the penalty of personal separation.

“I’m having a hard time forgiving you; could we talk about this some more?”

She helped me see where my confession was deficient

In doing so, she actually did me a service while removing a major hurdle to forgiveness.

For example, either consciously or unconsciously, many of us withhold forgiveness because we believe the offender must earn or deserve our forgiveness or because we want to punish others or make them suffer.

Of course, if someone has expressed repentance but continues to behave in a hurtful manner, it may be appropriate to talk with the offender about present conduct. A pattern of sinful behavior may need to be addressed repeatedly before it is successfully overcome. Even so, we have no right to demand guarantees and withhold forgiveness from a repentant person.

time to note how God may be using the offense for good. Is this an unusual opportunity to glorify God? How can you serve others and help them grow in their faith? What sins and weaknesses of yours are being exposed for the sake of your growth?

focus your attention on how much God has forgiven you.

“We are not called to forgive others in order to earn God’s love; rather, having experienced his love, we have the basis and motive to forgive others.”2

true forgiveness depends on God’s grace. If you try to forgive others on your own, you are in for a long and frustrating battle.

So I discovered that it is not on our forgiveness any more than on our goodness that the world’s healing hinges, but on him. When he tells us to love our enemies, he gives, along with the command, the love itself.3

Being reconciled does not mean that the person who offended you must now become your closest friend. What it means is that your relationship will be at least as good as it was before the offense occurred.

Reconciliation requires that you give a repentant person an opportunity to demonstrate repentance and regain your trust.

This was how I learned the replacement principle. It is very difficult simply to stop thinking about an unpleasant experience. Instead, we must replace negative thoughts and memories with positive ones.

easily. If you cannot think of a single good thing about the person you are trying to forgive, then use thankful thoughts about God and his work in this situation to replace unpleasant memories (see Phil. 4:4–7).