The Peacemaker

by Ken Sande

“Don’t waste time bothering whether you ‘love’ your neighbor; act as if you did. As soon as we do this we find one of the great secrets. When you are behaving as if you loved someone, you will presently come to love him.”

When people work against each other, they tend to focus on surface issues and neglect underlying desires and needs. As a result, they often reach inadequate solutions.

competitive negotiation can also be quite inefficient. It usually begins with each side stating a specific position, and progress is made by successive compromises and concessions.

competitive negotiating can significantly damage personal relationships. This approach tends to be very self-centered and easily offends others.

Having a loving concern for others does not mean always giving in to their demands. We do have a responsibility to look out for our own interests (Phil. 2:4). Furthermore, Jesus calls us to be “as shrewd as snakes and as innocent as doves”

(Matt. 10:16).

Context?

“prudent, sensible, and practically wise.”1 A wise person does not give in to others unless there...

PAUSE. This acronym stands for the following steps: Prepare Affirm relationships Understand interests Search for creative solutions Evaluate options objectively and reasonably

Preparation

Identify issues and interests (which I will define below). Try to discern the real cause of the disagreement. Carefully list the issues involved. Make a list of your interests as well as the interests of others as you understand them.

Develop options. Do some brainstorming before you talk with your opponent so you can propose a few reasonable solutions to the problem. Be prepared to explain how each option will benefit your opponent.

Anticipate reactions. Put yourself in your opponent’s shoes and try to predict a few likely reactions to your proposals. Develop a response to each of those reactions.

how to set a positive tone

They decided that they had the following interests: a desire for peace and quiet, sufficient rest for their children, and a comfortable relationship with the Smiths and with other neighbors.

They speculated that the Smiths had these interests: an affection for dogs, a need for additional income, and possibly a resentment toward “being told what to do.” (More interests are listed later in this chapter.)

Therefore, they decided that if they could not stop the barking right away, they would simply work harder at cultivating a positive relationship with the Smiths. They would do this by inviting them over for meals, taking time to get to know their children, and looking for opportunities to help them or to be kind to them.

This may seem like a lot of work, and it is. But in this real-life conflict, Jim and Julie wisely realized that they could either put their time into lying awake at night and grumbling throughout the day about the barking dog, or they could put their time into carefully negotiating with their neighbors to find a solution to this problem.

It will not be a question of whether you spend time on the problem; it will be a question of where or how you spend time on the problem.

Obviously, these affirming words must be backed up with comparable actions. If they are not, your opponent will rightfully conclude that you are a flatterer and a hypocrite.

Communicate in a courteous manner.

Ask sincere questions. Discuss their perceptions.

Seek solutions that really satisfy others’ needs and desires.

Don’t back others into a corner. Develop solutions that are consistent with others’ values and with God’s.

As their relationship with the Johnsons was affirmed, they became increasingly willing to talk about the problem that had brought them together.

understand the interests of those involved in the disagreement. Only then can you properly respond to the command to “look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.” In order to identify interests, it is important to understand how they differ from issues and positions.

desire, need, limitation, or something a person values. Interests provide the basis for positions. Some interests are concrete and easy to identify. For example: “I like breeding and training dogs, and I need the extra income,” or “My kids need sleep.” Other interests are abstract, hidden, and difficult to measure. For example: “I don’t want my family to think I can be pushed around,” or “This is the only thing I’ve ever done that made me feel like a success.”

Abigail focused on David’s primary interest in this situation. She had probably heard about King Saul’s recent massacre of an entire town of people who had innocently given

Abigail must have seen that David’s clean record and honorable reputation was of great value to him, especially when compared to Saul’s bloody record. She realized that if David stained his hands with innocent blood, he would lose God’s blessing as well as the love and respect of the people of Israel. David’s rage had blinded him to his own interests,

Before you attempt to understand the interests of other people, it is wise to make a written list of your own interests.

Remembering the three opportunities provided by conflict, you might begin by listing interests related to glorifying God, serving others, and growing to be like Christ. This part of your list is primarily for your own benefit, and it may not be appropriate to reveal these interests to your opponent, especially at the outset of negotiations.

Once this list is fairly complete, it often helps to note which interests have the greatest priority. This will help you make wise decisions if you later have to choose between several interests.

It is often helpful to get each side’s interests out in the open. One way to do this is to take out a sheet of paper and write down all the interests that have already come to the surface. Explain to your opponent what you are doing, and read the items you are listing. Then ask what other concerns, goals, or interests your opponent has.

As much as possible, acknowledge them as being reasonable and significant. Ask questions to clarify your understanding. Set a positive tone by drawing attention to similar interests and areas of agreement.

Everyone should be encouraged to mention any idea that comes to mind. Imagination and creativity should be encouraged, while evaluating and deciding should be postponed.

Instead of focusing exclusively on his own interests, Daniel searched for a solution that would meet their interests as well as his own. Then, rather than offering his personal opinions, he suggested a way that the guard could evaluate his proposal objectively. When the test results showed that Daniel’s proposed solution was valid and reasonable, a permanent agreement was quickly reached.

If you are unable to reach an agreement, don’t give up too quickly. It may be that you need to return to one of the earlier steps to identify overlooked interests or to invent new options. On the other hand, it may be wise to summarize what you have accomplished and what remains to be done, and then take a few hours or days to think about the matter.

Negotiation does not have to be a painful tug-of-war. If approached properly, many people will respond favorably to cooperative negotiation, which can allow you to find mutually beneficial solutions to common problems. Sometimes all it takes is a willingness to “look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.”2

Paul realized that a true peacemaker is guided, motivated, and empowered by his or her identity in Christ. This identity is based on faith in the most amazing promise we could ever hear: God has forgiven all our sins and made peace with us through the death and resurrection of his Son.

unnatural work of dying to self, confessing sin, addressing others’ wrongs graciously, laying down rights, and forgiving deep hurts—even with people who persist in opposing or mistreating us.

To many people, these resources and qualities seem feeble and useless when dealing with “real” problems. Yet these are the very weapons Jesus used to defeat Satan and to conquer the world (e.g., Matt. 4:1–11; 11:28–30; John 14:15–17).

five basic principles that contribute to a victorious offensive.

Control Your Tongue The more intense a dispute becomes, the more important it is to control your tongue (Rom. 12:14).

Instead, make every effort to breathe grace by saying only what is both true and helpful, speaking well of your opponent whenever possible, and using kind and gracious language.

controlling your tongue can help you to maintain a loving attitude and an accurate perspective of your situation (see chapters 4 and 8). As a result, you are likely to think and behave more wisely and constructively than you would if you indulged in all kinds of critical talk.

Good for my own heart not just because it's the right thing to do!

Seek Godly Advisors

These friends should also be willing to correct and admonish you when they see that you are in the wrong (Prov. 27:5–6).

Keep Doing What Is Right

When Paul says, “Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody,” he does not mean that we should be slaves to the opinions of others.

Therefore, what Paul is saying is that you should plan and act so carefully and so properly that any reasonable person who is watching you will eventually acknowledge that what you did was right.

refused to criticize Karen, especially in front of their children.