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ongoing hostility can destroy you from the inside and alienate you from God
Some people resist overlooking offenses and settling disputes by arguing, “I have my rights—and it wouldn’t be just to let him off so easily.”
God may even call you to give up a right that would be morally and legally justified.
On the other hand, the Bible teaches that it is sometimes appropriate to exercise our rights, to talk with others about their wrongs, and to hold them fully accountable for their responsibilities.
How can you know when to do which?
Here again the concept of stewardship serves as a helpful guiding principle. Rights are not something you deserve and possess for your own benefit. Rather, they are privileges given to you by God, and he wants you to use them for his glory and to benefit others, especially by helping them know Christ.
Transcending all these examples, Jesus’ decision to lay down this rights at Calvary allowed him to carry out his salvation mission and save all of those who put their faith in him
Although Joan’s response wasn’t quite what Ted had hoped for, he walked out of her office knowing that God had forgiven him and that he had at least given Joan a glimpse of that forgiveness.
As the man walked away, Ted heard him say to a bystander, “Well, that’s the first time I’ve ever seen a Christian’s faith cost him anything.”
Check your attitude:
What am I preoccupied with? What is the first thing on my mind in the morning and the last thing on my mind at night? How would I answer the question: “If only ______, then I would be happy, fulfilled, and secure”? What do I want to preserve or to avoid at all costs? Where do I put my trust? What do I fear? When a certain desire is not met, do I feel frustration, anxiety, resentment, bitterness, anger, or depression? Is there something I desire so much that I am willing to disappoint or hurt others in order to have it?
Idols always demand sacrifices. When someone fails to satisfy our demands and expectations, our idol demands that he should suffer. Whether deliberately or unconsciously, we will find ways to hurt or punish people so that they will give in to our desires.
When you find yourself in conflict, work backwards through the progression of an idol to identify the desires that are controlling your heart. Ask yourself these questions: How am I punishing others? How am I judging others? What am I demanding to have? What is the root desire of that demand? Prayerfully ask yourself the X-ray questions provided earlier in this chapter. They will help you discern any excessive desires that have become ruling idols in your heart. Keep track of your discoveries in a journal so that you can identify patterns and steadily go after specific idols. Pray daily that
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Describe your idols to your spouse or an accountability partner and ask him or her to pray for you and to lovingly approach you when there are signs that the idol is still controlling you. Realize that idols are masters of change and disguise. As soon as you gain a victory over a particular demand or form of punishment, your idol can reappear in a related form, with a new justification and more subtle means of judging and punishment. If you are dealing with an idol that is difficult to identify or conquer, go to your pastor or some other spiritually mature advisor and seek his or her counsel
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Proverbs 28:13
“coming to our senses” (see Luke 15:17; 2 Tim. 2:25–26). It involves a waking up to the fact that we have been deceiving ourselves and that our ideas, attitudes, values, or goals have been wrong. If
This kind of limited remorse leads only to further grief. In contrast, godly sorrow means feeling bad because you have offended God.
When Paul said that repentance leads to salvation, he was referring not only to eternal salvation, but also to the fact that the penitent would be delivered from sinful habit patterns (2 Cor. 7:10).
Because most of us do not like to admit that we have sinned, we tend to conceal, deny, or rationalize our wrongs.
Of course, we are only kidding ourselves when we try to cover up our sins.
If it is difficult for you to identify and confess your wrongs, there are two things you can do. First, ask God to help you see your sin clearly and repent of it, regardless of what others may do (Ps. 139:23–24). Then prayerfully study his Word and ask him to show you where your ways have not lined up with his ways (Heb. 4:12).
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Second, ask a spiritually mature friend to counsel and correct you (Prov. 12:15; 19:20).
Using Your Tongue as a Weapon
Reckless words, spoken hastily and without thinking, inflame many conflicts.
Grumbling and complaining irritates and discourages other people.
Falsehood includes any form of misrepresentation or deceit (Prov. 24:28; 2 Cor. 4:2), including lying, exaggeration, telling only part of the truth, or distorting the truth by emphasizing favorable facts while minimizing those that are against us.
To gossip means to betray a confidence or to discuss unfavorable personal facts about another person with someone who is not part of the problem or its solution. Even if the information you discuss is true, gossip is always sinful and a sign of spiritual immaturity (2 Cor. 12:20; cf. Prov. 11:13; 20:19; 1 Tim. 5:13). Slander involves speaking false and malicious words about another person.
Worthless talk can also contribute to conflict, even if you intend no harm. It violates God’s high standard for talking to or about others: “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen” (Eph. 4:29).
If you indulge in reckless talk, falsehood, gossip, slander, or worthless talk, you will not only stir up conflict, but also erode your own character and relationship with God. Therefore, for the sake of peace and spiritual growth, renounce all such talk and seek God’s help in overcoming it.
Controlling Others
Breaking Your Word
Failing to Respect Authority
When a person in authority instructs you to do something that you believe is unwise, unfair, or sinful, it is appropriate to make an appeal and respectfully try to persuade that person to do what is right and
“So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.” To see whether you have violated this teaching, ask yourself questions like these:
Would I want someone else to treat me the way I have been treating him? How would I feel if I found out people were saying about me what I’ve said about her? If our positions were reversed, how would I feel if he did what I have done? If someone broke a contract for the same reasons I am using, would I feel that was right? If I was an employee, how would I feel if I was treated the way I have treated her? If I owned this business, would I want my employees to behave the way I am behaving?
Improper desires for physical pleasure,
Pride and the desire to always be right
Love of money or other material possessions,
6:24; Luke 12:16–21; 27–31; Acts 5:1–3). Fear of man may involve an actual fear of what others can do to us (Prov. 29:25; Luke 12:4–5) or an excessive concern about what others think about us, which can lead to a preoccupation with acceptance, approval,
Good things that we want too much. As discussed in the previous chapter, some of the most difficult idols to deal with are good desires that we elevate to demands, such as a longing for love, respect, comfort, convenience, or success.
The more detailed and specific you are when making a confession, the more likely you are to receive a positive response. Specific admissions help convince others that you are honestly facing up to what you have done, which makes it easier for them to forgive you. In addition, being specific will help you identify the behavior you need to change.
A written plan for change has several benefits. It shows you take the matter seriously and are willing to spend substantial time planning how to change.
In the process, I heaped greater burdens on the person I had already wronged. (Since I had “fulfilled my duty,” the other person felt coerced to forgive me, even though he sensed that my confession was mechanical and insincere.) Ask God to keep you from this sin.
growing to be more like Christ.
Jesus said to be reconciled if your brother has something against you, implying that the obligation exists whether or not you believe his complaint is legitimate.
Is It Damaging Your Relationship?
Even minor wrongdoing can damage a relationship if it is repeated. Although something minor may be easily forgiven the first few times, frustration and resentment can eventually build up. When this happens, it may be necessary to bring the matter to the other person’s attention so that the offensive pattern can be changed.
In other words, rather than dwelling on what people should do or have failed to do, I am learning to focus primarily on what God has done and is doing for them through Christ.
Instead of hammering away at her sinful lifestyle, Jesus spent most of his time engaging her in a conversation about salvation, eternal life, true worship, and the coming of the Messiah (John 4:7–26).
always
