Models: Attract Women Through Honesty

by Mark Manson

You want these relationships to be abundant.

False.

You want to feel confident and empowered around women, both those you know and those you don’t know but want to meet.

True.

“faking it until you make it.”

I despise that phrase.

Until you learn to trust your own actions and learn to pursue women with your own unique style and personality, you have learned absolutely nothing.

Emerson once wrote, “What you do speaks so loudly I cannot hear what you say.”

The game is emotions, emotions through movement.

Non-neediness is when a man places a higher priority on his own perception of himself than the perceptions of others. A non-needy man’s actions and words will therefore be primarily motivated by embodying his own values and desires.

Women unconsciously detect neediness by sensing the intentions behind a man’s behavior and words. It’s why women can often become turned off at the most innocuous moment or by the most unimportant statement. Consciously, the action or statement may seem harmless, but unconsciously, it conveyed everything they need to know about your status and that is this: you base your actions on a constant need for approval.

It’s important to note that non-neediness doesn’t mean you should only care about yourself. This is narcissism, and although it might get you laid, it is not attractive and will result in dysfunctional relationships.

Highly needy men will end up in relationships sometimes, but only with highly needy women. The highly needy man is constantly working to earn a woman’s approval, and a highly needy woman is constantly in need of a man’s approval. So the two conspire together, usually with one creating drama/emotional meltdowns and the other one endlessly fixing it. This relationship is toxic and can harm each person’s self-worth.

Narcissistic men, or men who only care about themselves, will end up in relationships sometimes, but only with narcissistic and shallow women. Both the narcissistic man and woman will view each other merely as ornaments to adorn their self-absorbed lives. These relationships also are toxic. And these relationships also often end poorly.

It would be nice if this sort of karmic ballance existed, but it's been my observation that these people often form parasitic relationships with people better than themselves.

Whenever he dates a woman, he will rearrange his entire schedule at her whim. He will buy her gifts and spend most of his paycheck on the nicest dinners for her. He’ll forgo plans with his guy friends and if the woman he dates gets angry, he’ll sit patiently and listen to her vent all of her frustrations to him, agreeing with her constantly in a futile desperation that she may feel better. Even when he feels that she’s being irrational or treating him unfairly, he won’t say anything because he doesn’t want her to be upset with him.

James is a sterotypical sitcom husband.

Jeff ends up sleeping with a lot of women.

I really feel likes he's pushing this as a good thing.

it’s important to continue to invest in oneself even as life changes occur and the relationship goes on. It’s the only long-term solution to keep long-term relationships stable and happy.

He invested less in himself and more and more in her.

Reminds me of the books of Kings in the Old Testament. Put your faith in other humans and you will always be let down in the end. Live your own life as best you can by your own means, be as self sifficient as possible, take everyone with a grain of salt, never fully rely on anyone else, and reserve your faith for God alone.

a lot of men who follow this type of dating advice don’t even make it that far. They may conjure the impression of status for only an hour or even a few minutes before they falter. Such are the stresses of performance. Learning techniques and pick up lines without doing genuine, identity-level work in order to permanently decrease your neediness ends up only being a band-aid solution. It provides a short, temporary relief from an otherwise permanent problem. It causes more stress. And it ultimately makes us feel worse about ourselves.

You are what attracts (or repels) others — not the words, not the strategies. If you aren’t happy with the results you get, then it’s time to improve you.

The only real dating advice is self-improvement. Work on yourself. Conquer your anxieties. Resolve your shame. Take care of yourself and those who are important to you. Love yourself. Otherwise no, one else will.

Needy men only know how to care about what others want, even if it harms themselves. Non-needy men look for that intersection where they can get both their own needs and their partner’s needs met. Narcissistic men overcompensate and decide to only pursue getting their own needs met.

But low self-esteem women, particularly women with truckloads of emotional problems or a history of abuse, will gladly throw themselves onto the narcissistic man and bring him down with them.

It would be nice if they just paired off and ruined one another rather than attaching to vulnerable but otherwise good people instead.

Narcissism comes in many varieties but usually boils down to this: focusing on your own wants and desires to the point of imposing them onto others. Exaggerate your dominance and boast of your strength. Accept no wrongdoing. Admit no faults. Blame others for your problems. Go out of your way to make others feel smaller so that you appear bigger.

if a non-needy man meets a woman who rejects him or is not interested in him, he will assume that is was either an incompatibility or that it was just not the right situation. Either way, he will see it as the right thing to have happened. His life will go on.

A non-needy man doesn’t try to control what women feel about him. Rather he tries to control what he feels about certain women. He understands that the world isn’t about him and that all he can control is himself and his own actions.

Narcissistic men are often serial players, guys who obsessively seek out casual sex and not only regard the women they sleep with poorly, but treat them poorly as well.

So he does acknowlege that the obsession with casual sex is unhealthy. He does not seem to disapprove of it generally, and I suspect he actually approves of it in some form or another, but I'll reserve judgement until I understand his perspective better.

Roy’s anger boiled over. He was sick of being walked over and kicked around. He was sick of being ignored and hurt. His entire life, women had never paid attention to him sexually, and the one who finally did wasn’t satisfied. Roy decided he had had enough, that it was time to put himself first. It was time to put his own needs first. He saw how other men had been assholes to his female friends and slept with them, so he decided that he would do the same.

Dis is not de weh, my bruddah.

if every girl you date is unstable and crazy, that’s a reflection of your emotional maturity level. It’s a reflection of your confidence or lack of confidence. It’s a reflection of your neediness.

The key to non-neediness is to have both: respect for both oneself and for women.

Most people think of a man who’s vulnerable as a man who cowers in the corner and begs others to accept him or not hurt him. This is not vulnerability; this is surrender. It’s weakness.

Which one of these two men is more powerful? Which one is more vulnerable?

While I agree with what they mean, the word "vulnerability" is being used when the author means "openness." Being vulnerable means you are exposed to harm; that a weakness is exposed. Openness means you are unguarded. You can be open and be strong enough to be relatively invulnerable if you are aware of and comforable enough with your own shortcomings that they cannot be used against you to any effect. You cannot be truly vulnerable and be in a position of strength, as these terms are almost mutually exclusive. As such, I suggest mentally replacing each instance of the word "vulnerable" or "vulnerability" with "open" or "openness" in order to make the chapter more palatable.

Vulnerability is the path of true human connection and becoming a truly attractive person. As psychologist Robert Glover once said, “Humans are attracted to each other’s rough edges.” Show your rough edges. Stop trying to be perfect. Expose yourself and share yourself without inhibition. Take the rejections and lumps and move on because you’re a bigger and stronger man. And when you find a woman who loves who you are (and you will), revel in her affection.

at first, that vulnerability is going to hurt. You can’t skip it. The only way out of it is through it.

This initial "pain period" he speaks of can be accurately described as vulnerability. You are vulnerable to pain at first, though that pain, looking back, was a bee sting - greatly feared before it is felt, but laughable afterward. Once felt, you have an oportunity to learn an important lesson: Fear of pain is often more debilitating than the pain itself. Pain can often be endured, ignored, and pushed past; but in the face of a fear one refuses to face, the only option you leave yourself is to run away.

I could see her attraction for me spiral away.

I know this exact look, unfortunately.

all performance is neediness.

Might go a ways in explaining why hollywood is so fucked up.

pay attention to the emotions and motivations behind everything that you do and say. That's where all of the meaning is.

Think about it, if a guy wasn’t comfortable with the prospect of a woman rejecting him, he wouldn’t have been honest in the first place. In fact, he would have pretended that he wasn’t actually interested in her!

I have done this. In fact, it was my go-to move when I was younger.

You cannot fake non-neediness for more than a moment. The only women you will manage to fake are women who are drunk or who are extremely needy themselves.

honesty only works if it’s given unconditionally, with no strings attached. That means everything you say and do must be done without any ulterior motive.

human nature is such that we don’t trust people who like us if we don’t feel as though we earned it somehow.

These are not gifts or compliments at all. These are deals he’s brokering. The terms may be implied or unspoken, but they’re transactions all the same. Everything he gives to her, he is giving with the expectation to receive something in return. The drinks are not unconditional. They’re bought with the provision that she stays and talks to him. The compliments are spoken with the provision that she shows him affection in return. And when the women don’t show appreciation or don’t reciprocate interest, he becomes furious, blaming the women for being gold-digging, lying whores and bitches. Again, being a “nice guy” is never much different than being a narcissist. One only gives. The other only takes. But both are the same in their desperation for approval.

the only women who will go for a man like this are women who are superficial and willing to trade their affection for material and superficial gain — these women are soulless and suppress their emotions as much, if not more than the men who buy things for them.

Beautiful women are complimented on their looks often, and 99% of these compliments are given out of neediness, out of some idealization of who she is or what she can do for him. Beautiful women have been conditioned for most of their lives to know when a man is being genuine or not, whether the compliment is a gift or a bartering tool. And when it is a gift, when it is honest, she recognizes and appreciates a man who genuinely appreciates her. These men are rare.

I should add that these aren’t all-or-nothing propositions either. Look, we all want people to like us, and we all like to impress others. We all need some validation sometimes. We all do these things to certain degrees. It’s impossible to be perfectly non-needy all the time. But neediness is relative. That’s why I say it’s about being less invested in others’ perceptions instead of NOT invested in others’ perceptions. It’s an important difference.

Non-neediness means you respect yourself AND others. Narcissism means you only respect yourself. Neediness means you only respect others.

a lot of shit in life hurts. Get over it. It’s for the better.

Men will often have to spend a lot of time seeking truth within themselves first before they’re able to express it to others.

the book is divided up into three core areas: building a congruent and attractive lifestyle for yourself, overcoming your fears and anxieties, and becoming socially adept at expressing your emotions and sexuality without shame or hesitation.

There are two main reasons that prevent attracted women from being with you, and they are both quite common: I call them friction and projection.

Friction is when a woman finds you to be an attractive man, but there are value differences or external circumstances that prevent her from acting on that attraction or being interested in you.

Men often used to ask me how to get a woman to cheat on her boyfriend or husband. My answer has two parts. The first part is: you don’t, they decide. The second part of the answer is: don’t fucking do it, what’s wrong with you? It contributes to the fucking of people’s lives and even if it didn’t, it’s never worth the headache it causes.

If the author had given anything less than this sort of response I would have stopped reading here.

There are a lot of women who, for whatever reason, are afraid of their own sexuality and/or openly sexual men. They harbor trust issues and resentment with men. Usually, this is because they have a history of some sort of emotional/sexual abuse and/or they’ve experienced a long string of disappointments with the men in their life. When confronted with a non-needy man — a man without these similar emotional hang-ups and distrust — these women will usually be untrusting and lash out in response. They are not lashing out for lack of attraction, but they are lashing out because they are attracted and that strong sexual attraction scares them, particularly if you’re a man who feels threatening to them. Their view of male sexuality is negative and when they are confronted with an honest and attractive man they’ll often attack you and try to tear you down for it.