Models: Attract Women Through Honesty

by Mark Manson

“What book do I wish I would have read when I was single and struggling in my dating life? If I had only read one book, what do I wish it had told me?”

memorized, I wanted to move the reader, since after all, the whole point of the book is that dating and romance is about just that: allowing yourself to be moved, both emotionally and physically.

Introduction: Movement

I had to back up and evaluate myself, to question why I was sacrificing so much time and effort for superficial pleasures.

what I had previously assumed about men and women was merely cultural and not universal.

Your failures with women aren’t caused because you say the wrong thing or look like the wrong guy. Words and appearances are merely a symptom of a greater internal problem. Your failures happen because you grew up emotionally ill equipped to deal with women, and more specifically, intimacy. The words you say and looks you have are merely a side effect of that internal lack of ability.

Men are expected to initiate in all phases of courtship (the reasons why are explained in Part I) and, therefore, a man who is hesitant, anxious or afraid of initiating will not get very far with most women.

Until you learn to trust your own actions and learn to pursue women with your own unique style and personality, you have learned absolutely nothing.

And what I discovered over the next week was how unnecessary words actually are when it comes to seduction.

Emerson once wrote, “What you do speaks so loudly I cannot hear what you say.” Seduction is the interplay of emotions. Your movement, or lack of movement, reflects and alters emotions, not the words. Words are the side effect. Sex is the side effect. The game is emotions, emotions through movement. If you learn anything from this book, let that be it.

Slowly, your looks will change, your words will change, and your actions will change. And hopefully, maybe something amazing will happen. Your emotions will shift and move and vibrate with them, and the women of the world will feel your resonance and come calling.

Part I: Reality Chapter 1: Non-Neediness

A man's attractiveness is inversely proportional to how needy he is. The less needy he is, the more attractive he will be to women on average. The needier he is, the less attractive he will be to women on average.

Neediness is when a man places a higher priority on others’ perceptions of him than his perception of himself. A needy man’s actions and words will therefore be primarily motivated by impressing and winning approval from others. Non-neediness is when a man places a higher priority on his own perception of himself than the perceptions of others. A non-needy man’s actions and words will therefore be primarily motivated by embodying his own values and desires.

to be non-needy is to be more attractive, in every way.

Paradoxically, a man’s lack of need for attention and admiration is itself a magnet for attention and admiration.

A non-needy man will be more invested in himself than the woman he’s with.

Or would it be the man who controls his own destiny, is unfazed by the threats others may pose to him and who shrugs it off if he pursues a woman and she has no interest in him?

The high-status man displays non-neediness. The low-status man displays neediness.

To most women, a man with no neediness is like a woman with perfect tits and a gorgeously sculpted ass. To a woman, a man with a lot of neediness is like having the worst breath and missing teeth.

Whenever he dates a woman, he will rearrange his entire schedule at her whim. He will buy her gifts and spend most of his paycheck on the nicest dinners for her. He’ll forgo plans with his guy friends and if the woman he dates gets angry, he’ll sit patiently and listen to her vent all of her frustrations to him, agreeing with her constantly in a futile desperation that she may feel better. Even when he feels that she’s being irrational or treating him unfairly, he won’t say anything because he doesn’t want her to be upset with him.

Jeff enjoys going out with his friends and pays no attention to whether the women around him approve of him or not. At times, he says something weird or gets rejected, but it doesn’t bother him.

He figures that he wouldn’t have been happy with her anyway, so why change himself to please her?

His phone is constantly ringing with texts from them, but he only answers them when he has time or feels like it.

Jeff has a low level of investment. He’s content with his life and proud of who he is. He is confident and non-needy. If a woman doesn’t appreciate that, then he figures he’s better off without her.

The Seduction Process

Whether it’s biological or cultural or some mixture of both, the fact is that female sexual attraction is based largely in feeling comfortable and secure with a man she meets. Women have evolved a sexuality that is more psychological than physical, and that psychological need is rooted in the need for security and connection.

Because men value sex more than women at the beginning of a relationship, and sexual opportunities are scarcer for men than women, women tend to be less invested and more confident early in on the interaction. When a man approaches her and induces her to become as invested in him as he is in her, this is the process of seduction. Sex occurs as a natural side effect of this process. Seduction is the process by which a man induces a woman to become as invested in him as he is in her.

There are two ways for seduction to happen: 1) a man creates the perception that he is far less invested in her than he actually is (neediness disguised as non-neediness), and 2) a man actually is less invested in her (genuine non-neediness).

You or one of your friends or family members have probably gone through the same process as Ryan: meet girl in a situation of low emotional investment and low neediness, entered relationship with said girl, gradually invested more and more while letting the rest of your personal life slip away, until girl leaves you and dates some other guy who is less invested than she is again.

Guy meets girl. Guy shows less investment in girl than himself, sex and/or relationship occurs, guy becomes more invested in girl than himself, sex stops and/or relationship falls apart.

The first story is an example of why it’s important to continue to invest in oneself even as life changes occur and the relationship goes on. It’s the only long-term solution to keep long-term relationships stable and happy.

As he got cornered into a job he hated and lost his social circle, he began leaning on her more and more to define his identity for himself. He invested less in himself and more and more in her.

Overcoming neediness is not about learning what to say or new things to do. Overcoming your neediness comes through a change in your mindset, your self-perception, and your self-respect. It's as simple as just changing your mind about women.

…That before meeting a woman, instead of worrying whether or not she will like you, you could wonder if you will like her.

…That instead of feeling the need to impress her, you could wonder if she impresses you.

…That instead of sitting there silently wondering what to say next to make her like you, you could sit there silently wondering what she will say to make you like her.

…That instead of waiting around for her to call, you could find something else to do while she waits for your call.

…That instead of worrying if you’re tall enough or good-looking enough or skinny enough, you could decide whether they’re too superficial to recognize your great qualities.

…That instead of trying to come up with the perfect date, you could decide that a woman who really likes you for you doesn’t need a perfect date.

…That instead of looking for a conversation she’ll enjoy, you could talk about something you enjoy and see if she takes interest.

…That instead of looking for her approval, you could decide whether or not to give yours.

…That instead of getting upset about why she doesn’t want to be with you, you could decide that it means you probably wouldn’t want to be with her.

Only making time for people who make time for you. Only being interested in dating people who are interested in dating you. Worrying about what will make you happy instead of what will make someone else happy. Looking for a person who meets your needs instead of trying to always meet theirs. Changing yourself to become who you want to be, not what you think women want you to be.

Women are attracted to a man they can respect, to a man they can trust. If you’re constantly looking for approval for what to say and how to feel, how could anyone respect or trust you?

If you aren’t happy with the results you get, then it’s time to improve you.

The only real dating advice is self-improvement. Work on yourself. Conquer your anxieties. Resolve your shame. Take care of yourself and those who are important to you. Love yourself. Otherwise no, one else will.

Narcissism and Overcompensation

To become non-needy, a man must develop self-respect, a healthy sense of boundaries, social competence, and healthy life habits. It’s often a painful long-term process that entails quite a bit of introspection, questioning, doubt, anger, frustration, lifestyle changes, and so on.

Non-needy men look for that intersection where they can get both their own needs and their partner’s needs met.