Models: Attract Women Through Honesty

by Mark Manson

To give an example, if a non-needy man meets a woman who rejects him or is not interested in him, he will assume that it was either an incompatibility or that it was just not the right situation. Either way, he will see it as the right thing to have happened. His life will go on.

I always tell men, if every girl you date is unstable and crazy, that’s a reflection of your emotional maturity level. It’s a reflection of your confidence or lack of confidence. It’s a reflection of your neediness. Non-needy people don’t date needy people and vice-versa. They can’t because there’s no attraction to begin with.

The key to non-neediness is to have both: respect for both oneself and for women.

The only permanent way to attract and date more women and more attractive women is to become more attractive yourself. And the way a man becomes more attractive himself is by investing in himself, in becoming less needy.

Chapter 2: Power in Vulnerability

Men have a lot of negative assumptions about the idea of being more vulnerable and opening up to their emotions.

For instance, making yourself vulnerable doesn’t just mean being willing to share your fears or insecurities. It can mean putting yourself in a position where you can be rejected, saying a joke that may not be funny, asserting an opinion that may offend others, introducing yourself to a group of people you don’t know, telling a woman that you like her and want to date her. All of these things require you to stick your neck out on the line emotionally in some way. You’re making yourself vulnerable when you do them.

A man who’s able to make himself vulnerable is saying to the world, “Screw the repercussions; this is who I am, and I refuse to be anyone else.” He’s saying he is non-needy and high status.

you’re bad with women because you don’t express your true feelings and intentions very well.

Connecting with women in this way, by being vulnerable — as opposed to performance or narcissism — will result in some of the best interactions and relationships of your life.

Vulnerability is the path of true human connection and becoming a truly attractive person. As psychologist Robert Glover once said, “Humans are attracted to each other’s rough edges.”

Show your rough edges. Stop trying to be perfect. Expose yourself and share yourself without inhibition. Take the rejections and lumps and move on because you’re a bigger and stronger man.

The Pain Period

Whether it’s bodybuilding, learning a new language or starting a new job, there’s going to be an awkward and difficult period where you’re going to struggle, fail at times, and most of all, feel vulnerable.

Practicing vulnerability often means that you will have to “get worse before you get better.”

“The less you talk about your shame, the more of it you have.”

Maybe you’ve already spent months or years avoiding taking action because you’re afraid of the consequences.

Maybe you’ve missed opportunities with women who liked you because you were too afraid to make a move.

A non-needy man is comfortable showing his flaws because he’s more comfortable with how he feels about himself than how others feel about him.

They’ll like you for your ability to be OK with being rejected, to make mistakes, and to say something stupid. The man who always has the perfect line to say to her is a man she will not trust because he shows no vulnerability and his words are inauthentic and, therefore, needy.

Become comfortable with being imperfect. It’s your rough edges she’ll be attracted to.

Ultimately, what women want — what we all really want — is a strong, independent, non-needy partner who fulfills us, who we can share ourselves with and receive them in return.

I’ll say this again because this often gets lost: vulnerability is not a technique or tactic. It is a way of being. It’s not something you learn, it’s a mindset you practice.

But communicate with honest appreciation and you’ll be amazed how she lights up in front of you.

The more nervous it makes you, the better, because it means you’re being authentic and making yourself vulnerable.

How attractive you are is based on your lack of neediness. Your non-neediness is based on how vulnerable you’re able to make yourself. And how vulnerable you’re able to make yourself is based on how honest you are to yourself and others.

Chapter 3: The Gift of Truth

But what I learned is that regardless of what you say to a woman, the intention and implications of why you are saying it are far more powerful than the words themselves.

You can say the lamest and grossest (or funniest, depending on your perspective) thing to women, and if the sub-communication is, “I really don’t care if you laugh or run away horrified, but here’s who I am, take it or leave it,” this sub-communicates a rock-bottom level of investment and an incredibly high level of vulnerability.

After all, why learn how to fake being cool, when you can just learn to become cool yourself?

Remember: what you actually say doesn’t matter; why you say it matters.

I could sell you the best 100 things I’ve ever said to women, but I can’t ever sell you my intentions or my confidence in myself. You must develop those on your own. And once you do, the actual lines you say will be personal and congruent to you and nobody else.

The Truth Is Always Shining Through

Women are generally quite intuitive to emotions, motivations, and social cues.

Vulnerability requires honesty, and honesty only works if it’s given unconditionally, with no strings attached. That means everything you say and do must be done without any ulterior motive. You are simply expressing your thoughts and feelings as they come to you, without inhibition, without shame.

your intentions will always shine through, eventually, and they will say more about you than any word ever could.

Ironically, it’s these high standards and self-regard that women pick up on and find incredibly sexy. And it’s these same standards and self-regard that most men spend a lot of time trying to fake.

Everything he gives to her, he is giving with the expectation to receive something in return.

Again, being a “nice guy” is never much different than being a narcissist. One only gives. The other only takes. But both are the same in their desperation for approval.

When I tell a girl that she is beautiful, I say it not expecting anything in return. Whether she rejects me or falls in love with me isn’t important in that moment. What’s important is that I’m expressing my feelings to her in that moment.

When a compliment comes from a man seeking nothing in return, it’s a gift of truth, a piece of his vulnerability and infinitely more powerful as a result.

Women are people too (radical idea, I know). And as people, we all value those who genuinely value us, not expecting something in return.

It’s impossible to be perfectly non-needy all the time.

Because the more you invest in yourself, the freer you will become to care for others around you without looking for anything in response.

But it is always possible to invest and care about yourself more.

Setting Boundaries

Again, it’s not about what’s being said, it’s about the intention and sub-communication behind it.

A non-needy man does not seek to impose himself on the boundaries of others, he’s merely interested in maintaining his own boundaries while respecting the boundaries of others.

Oddly enough, my honesty and complete willingness to be rejected (or to reject them) demonstrates my non-neediness and often it causes them to become more attracted to me.

And a couple times, they’ve said, “You’re right. I don’t want to date you,” in so many words. And that’s OK. Yeah, it hurt to hear that. But a lot of shit in life hurts. Get over it. It’s for the better. She just saved us both a lot of time and effort.