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October 8 - October 8, 2018
Trivializing says, in so many words, that what you have done or expressed is insignificant. When trivializing is done in a frank and sincere tone of voice, it can be difficult to detect.
she believes she somehow hasn’t been able to explain to her mate
Undermining not only withholds emotional support, but also erodes confidence and determination.
disruption and interruption. For example, the abuser may sabotage his partner’s conversations
imply to the partner that she is inadequate.
Threatening manipulates the partner by bringing up her greatest fears. Verbally abusive threats usually involve the threat of loss or pain.
All name calling is verbally abusive.
Forgetting involves both denial and covert manipulation.
Often, after the partner collects herself after being yelled at or put down, she may try to talk to her mate about it. He will have conveniently “forgotten” the incident, saying, for example, “I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m not going to listen to this.”
consistently forget the promises
“I don’t know where you got that” or “I never agreed to anything” are common forms of denial.
Ordering denies the equality and autonomy of the partner. When the abuser gives orders instead of asking respectfully for what he wants, he is treating his partner as if she were the glove on his hand, automatically available to fulfill his wishes.
denial is one of the most insidious categories of verbal abuse because it denies the reality of the partner.
underlies, motivates, and perpetuates verbally abusive behavior.
since she is not responsible in any way for the abuse, she need in no way defend herself by explaining herself.
explaining what they really said, meant, or did has never brought an apology
not have to give up the hope that this time he will understand.
The abuser’s anger arises out of his general sense of Personal Powerlessness.
either covertly through subtle manipulation or overtly in unexpected outbursts
blame the p...
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are filled
if the partner calmly endures the abuser’s behavior, he will feel thwarted. He expects a reaction. He needs his fix of both the release of tension and a sense of Power Over
are consistently shocked to realize that their mates feel good when they feel so hurt. Cora’s
Abusive anger diminishes the partner’s desire for sexual intimacy.
partners of verbal abusers, I realized that they had made every effort to express themselves clearly and respectfully.
“Sarcasm is the tip of the iceberg which conceals a mountain of anger.”
an easily irritated person is an angry person.
The anger itself is irrational,
The belief that her mate is behaving logically is one of the primary causes of the partner’s confusion. He may hold the door for her at one moment, then scream at her when she answers a question
When something is unnamed, and is seen by no one else, it has an aura of unreality about it.
become conditioned to accept more and more abuse while experiencing more and more self-doubt. This conditioning is like brainwashing.
“His bark is worse than his bite.”
“Judge not, lest you be judged.” The partner may fail to discriminate between acceptable and unacceptable behavior,
she may find her mate’s motivations nearly incomprehensible: it is hard to believe that he has treated her as he has in order to dominate and control her,
continue in the relationship for years hoping that her mate will understand what hurts her and that when he understands, it won’t happen any more.
The great tragedy in a verbally abusive relationship is that the partner’s efforts to bring reconciliation, mutual understanding and intimacy are rejected out of hand by the abuser because to him they are adversarial.
if he isn’t feeling Power Over his partner, he is feeling that she must be trying to overpower him.
If her mate trivializes her work, the partner may believe that he really does want to support her and that he is only talking about it as unimportant because he doesn’t realize how important it is to her, and as soon as he understands that it is important to her he will stop trivializing
If he yells at her, she may believe that it is because he feels in some way hurt by something she said or did. She may also believe that he wants to know what she really said or did, so he’ll know she really loves him and his hurt will be gone. In this way the partner fits what she is hearing into her reality of empathetic concern.
If he says he doesn’t know what she’s talking about, she may believe he wants very much to catch her meaning and to understand what she is talking about, so she must try harder to explain it more clearly.
If he criticizes her words out of context, she may fit this criticism into her reality of mutuality by assuming that he is upset because he is trying very hard to follow her thinking but he can’t unless she speaks with more accuracy or learns to understand how he thinks.
“He said that to put me down so he can feel powerful. I will not accept this abuse.”
she “knows” he is striving to understand her. Consequently, she may think that she’s just not good at explaining herself or getting across to her mate what she really means. Otherwise, he wouldn’t get angry. Consequently, she doesn’t see the disrespect for what it is. Her ability to discriminate is impaired. To discriminate means to “see the difference.”
the abuse is not only painful, but now may also be more frightening to the partner because she realizes that it is irrational.
One of the reasons that it is important to recognize verbal abuse is that it is a warning sign that physical abuse may eventually erupt.
if there is respect and goodwill in a relationship, other issues can be addressed.
you can decide what you will and what you will not accept from your mate and you can inform him of your decisions.
Asking for change is important, however, for only by doing so will you discover whether or not the possibility of a healthful relationship exists with your mate. If your mate is a confirmed verbal abuser, when you start setting limits and asking for change, he may increase the intensity of the abuse in an attempt to increase his control over you.
he will need to work through all that has engendered within him his deep feelings of Personal Powerlessness.
OR, he is a sadistic psychopath!
some steps you can take:
