More on this book
Community
Kindle Notes & Highlights
Read between
October 8 - October 8, 2018
the first edition of this book, which introduced the term
verbally abusive relationship to the world,
support on the www.verbalabuse.com
blows things out of proportion,” they immediately separate the couple to begin one-on-one counseling.
many couples counselors have been trained to see any problem in a relationship as belonging equally to both persons.
verbal abuse precedes domestic violence
more information on teen dating violence, visit www.EndAbuse.org.)
making statements that attempt to define their partners’ inner world for them. That is, characterizing their partner’s motives, needs, feelings, and even very natures in their own terms.
“You just want to be right.” (want) “You don’t feel that way.” (feeling) “You’re too sensitive.” (nature) Abusers make these statements as if they were gods, as if they lived within their partner’s body/mind/soul, and actually knew these things to be true!
www.verbalabuse.com, with a new video interview, a free 6,000-plus-member bulletin board and a free e-mail newsletter with more than 7,000 subscribers.
Verbal abuse is a kind of battering which doesn’t leave evidence comparable to the bruises of physical battering. It can be just as painful, and recovery can take much longer.
My 40 years of it - plus the violence and rapes - has left struggling with complex PTSD. Any trigger puts me back there and I can't think straight. I'm learning to self-manage and see them coming before I get out of control.
Subtle diminishing or angry outbursts, cool indifference or one-upmanship, witty sarcasm or silent withholding, manipulative coercion or unreasonable demands are common occurrences. They are, however, cloaked in a “what’s wrong with you, making a big thing out of nothing” attitude,
you have been told in subtle and not-so-subtle ways that your perception of reality is wrong and that your feelings are wrong. Consequently, you may doubt your own experience
My intention is to reveal the nuances and reality of verbal abuse
I suggest that when you recognize what you are encountering, you respond to what you are recognizing in a specific way — a way that requests change. By doing so, you may encounter your fear of “loss of love.” By not doing so, you may encounter your fear of “loss of self.”
The underlying premise of this book is that verbal abuse is an issue of control,
My primary purpose is to enable you, the reader, to recognize verbal abuse.
Generally, in a verbally abusive relationship the abuser denies the abuse. Verbal abuse most often takes place behind closed doors. Physical abuse is always preceded by verbal abuse.
Sticks and stones may break our bones, but words will break our hearts …
When these power plays are enacted in a relationship and denied by the perpetrator, confusion results.
what he thinks you said and what you heard him say.
Covert verbal abuse is subversive because of its indirect quality. It is a covert attack or coercion. This kind of abuse has been described as “crazymaking.” It is “a form of interpersonal interaction that results from the repression of intense aggression and which seriously impairs its victim’s capacity to recognize and deal with the interpersonal reality.” (Bach and Goldberg, 1974, p. 251)
There are two kinds of power. One kills the spirit. The other nourishes the spirit. The first is Power Over. The other is Personal Power.
the partner learns to tolerate abuse without realizing it and to lose self-esteem without realizing it. She is blamed
What is the origin of the Power Over model? It is the result of, and the perpetuator of, “poisonous pedagogy”
a method which controls the behavior of the child by the misuse of Power Over the child. This misuse of power causes the child extreme pain.
Personal Power works by mutuality and co-creation
the verbal abuser and the partner seemed to be living in two different realities.
She feels some disempowerment and some confusion about what he expected and why he didn’t tell her that he wanted some help picking the fruit. She doesn’t realize that this whole interaction wasn’t about picking the fruit. She doesn’t perceive Zee’s reality at all, because he often tells her how much he loves her, and to her, love means mutual empowerment, not Power Over.
the frustration of wondering why she can’t get him to understand. She
Power Over is stolen power. In Reality I, if you don’t have someone to have Power Over, you don’t have any power at all.
Zee is either overpowering or believing he is being overpowered, because in this reality there is no mutuality.
Power Over is hostile.
mutually supportive and empathetic.
Personal Power is the ability to know, to choose and to create from the ground of one’s being — from where one’s feelings originate.
Life naturally supports life.
we can neither accept nor tolerate the devaluation of another person. For by such acceptance we devalue ourselves.
Both parties bring themselves to the relationship as whole and separate people. They are secure in their relationship to themselves. Because of this security, neither has a need to exert Power Over
If the words or attitude disempower, disrespect, or devalue the other, then they are abusive.
In order to recognize when one is devalued, one must have extraordinary self-esteem
self-esteem knows that in her relationship she has the right to: Respect Shared sentiments Acknowledgment Kind words Dignity Accurate information Esteem Open communication Appreciation Attentiveness Warmth Caring Empathy Equality
The abuser is determined not to admit to his manipulation and control. If he did, he would come face to face with his own feelings.
vulnerability is tantamount to death.
In a verbally abusive relationship, only the illusion of an authentic relationship exists.
Since the verbal abuser needs to have Power Over his partner, he cannot accept her as an equal.
The partners of verbal abusers often spend a great deal of time trying to understand interactions
Verbal abusers block discussions because they are not willing to talk with their mates on an equal basis.
The abuser’s worth is derived from a sense of one-upmanship and winning
When the partner does not recognize that her mate is angry because of his competitive approach to the relationship, she may believe, as Dora did, that she has said or done something to give him an erroneous and hurtful impression.
Since the verbal abuser derives his sense of power from Power Over, he feels powerless within. Feeling powerless, he may get what he wants through indirect and devious means. This is manipulation.
