More on this book
Community
Kindle Notes & Highlights
Read between
October 8 - October 8, 2018
to discover these patterns, it is helpful to become very aware of your own experiences and feelings. You may need to keep a journal
Following are ten patterns of abuse.
Secrecy is a key to the abuser’s Power Over.
Going “public” is usually a sign of escalation and/or impending physical abuse.
To them the abuser was “a really nice guy.”
is unexpected. The incident occurs when the partner feels everything is fine.
occurs when she is feeling happy, enthusiastic, or successful.
“No matter what I do,” they say, “he treats me as if I were his enemy.”
often communicates disdain for her interests.
her mate does not seem to seek reconciliation or even to be bothered by the incident.
the relationship seems to be functional.
Some partners imagined that their relationship was really better than it was,
growing sense of isolation,
The verbal abuser usually defines the partner, the relationship, himself, and the upsetting interactions in a way that is very different from his partner’s experience.
Many partners, who are constantly blamed and confused by verbal abuse, are surprised to realize that they have never said, nor would they think of saying, what is frequently said to them.
Some partners have become more aware of their own feelings and the state of their relationship through the insight of their dreams.
dreamed that they were being strangled by their mate.)
Part I of this book we began with a broad perspective contrasting two kinds of power, Power Over and Personal Power, and we explored the two realities they generate, that is, Reality I, in which the other, the partner, is seen as the adversary to be dominated and controlled, and Reality II, in which the other, her mate, is thought of as a partner in the co-creation of a mutually satisfying life.
Our sense of power is more vivid when we break a man’s spirit than when we win his heart. — Eric Hoffer
Verbal abuse: Words that attack or injure, that cause one to believe the false, or that speak falsely of one. Verbal abuse constitutes psychological violence.
1. Verbal abuse is hurtful. It is especially hurtful when it is denied.
2. Verbal abuse attacks the nature and abilities of the partner.
3. Verbal abuse may be overt (angry outbursts and name-calling), or covert (very, very subtle, like brainwashing). Overt verbal abuse is usually blaming and accusatory,
4. Verbally abusive disparagement may be voiced in an extremely sincere and concerned way
5. Verbal abuse is manipulative and controlling.
6. Verbal abuse is insidious. Verbal abuse disregards, disrespects or devalues
7. Verbal abuse is unpredictable.
one of the most significant characteristics
8. Verbal abuse is the issue (the problem) in the relationship.
9. Verbal abuse expresses a double message.
For example, he may sound very sincere and honest while he is telling his partner what is wrong with her,
10. Verbal abuse usually escalates, increasing in intensity, frequency, and variety.
a means of maintaining control and Power Over,
she and the abuser may function adequately in their respective roles.
Both walls and distance keep the “enemy” from getting too close.
THE CATEGORIES OF VERBAL ABUSE Withholding Countering Discounting Verbal abuse disguised as jokes Blocking and diverting Accusing and blaming Judging and criticizing Trivializing Undermining Threatening Name calling Forgetting Ordering Denial Abusive anger (this is addressed in Chapter IX)
To hear and understand another’s feelings and experience is empathetic comprehension.
The abuser who refuses to listen to his partner, denies her experience, and refuses to share himself with her is violating the primary agreement of a relationship. He is withholding.
Rebecca
a category of verbal abuse.
she may decide that she cannot expect more than it is within her mate to give.
consistently denies the victim’s reality,
A withholder-counterer is almost unknowable.
A verbal abuser may be so quick to counter his partner, he cannot hear her or allow her to finish her thought and, certainly, he cannot discern her tone of voice.
He simply says that what his partner has said isn’t so.
Countering truly blocks all communication and all possibility of intimacy.
Discounting denies and distorts the partner’s actual perception of the abuse and is, therefore, one of the most insidious forms of verbal abuse.
The brainwashing effects of verbal abuse cannot be overemphasized.
Blocking may be by direct demand or by switching the topic.
usually the partner wants more than anything to assure her mate that she is not his enemy:
Critical “stories” about your mistakes or actual lies about you which embarrass you in front of others are abusive;
