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October 8 - October 8, 2018
she would be shocked to realize that her mate is actually hostile towards her. She may have assumed all along that there is goodwill
There is no feeling of closure.
Verbal abuse used to control the partner without the partner’s knowledge is called “crazymaking.”
Intimacy in a relationship requires mutuality. Mutuality requires goodwill, openness, and a willingness to share oneself. The abuser cannot control his partner and be intimate with her at the same time.
of his partner. Consequently, the partner may not even know what it is like to feel supported and validated
constant invalidation of the partner’s reality.
One of our greatest needs is to understand and to be understood.
her belief that her mate is rational and that understanding can be reached keeps her in the relationship.
she is blamed for the battering of her own spirit.
Following is a list of the primary consequences
A distrust of her spontaneity. A loss of enthusiasm. A prepared, on-guard state. An uncertainty about how she is coming across. A concern that something is wrong with her. An inclination to soul-searching and reviewing incidents with the hope of determining what went wrong. A loss of self-confidence. A growing self-doubt.
An internalized “critical voice.” A concern that she isn’t happier and ought to be. An anxiety or fear of being crazy. A sense that time is passing and she’s missing something. A desire not to be the way she is — ”too sensitive,” etc. A hesitancy to accept her perceptions. A reluctance to come to conclusions. A desire to escape or run away. A belief that what she does best may be what she does worst.
A tendency to live in the future — ”Everything will be great when/after … .” A distrus...
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It takes the joy and vitality out of life. It distorts reality because the abuser’s response does not correlate w...
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Since the partner does not understand her mate’s motives, she “lives on hope.”
If Cora had known that this interaction was about Power Over, she would have said, “Stop interrupting me!” However, Cora believed that Curt misunderstood her and was trying to understand what she was saying, so she attempted to explain what she meant.
The partner who does not recognize her mate’s hostility may simply assume that he just sees things very differently from her.
a general sense of inadequacy derived from countless accusations.
almost universally optimistic, looking for the best — seeing everything in the best possible light.
Many partners try to improve communication.
all attempts the partner makes to grow, to be whole, and to improve the relationship bring her pain and confusion.
he is defining her reality. If she believes him, she will experience ever-increasing confusion.
To honor our feelings is to give such regard to our feelings that we are able to act consciously and creatively in accordance with them to care for and protect ourselves and the spirit of life at our center.
Let us imagine that there is a state of being in which one experiences clarity, serenity, integrity, and autonomy. This state of being provides one with a sense of inner security, purpose, and meaning. This state of being is called “The State of Personal Power,” and the knowledge of being in that state is called the knowledge of being centered.
Feelings, therefore, are indicators. These indicators bring forth awareness, enabling us to recognize the condition, the needs and the activities of the spirit of life at our center.
She may believe that she is responsible for her communications and for how they are taken. If the abuser seems irritated, she will try to discover what kinds of things upset him and will try to avoid them.
... with all her concentration. = walking on egg-shells.
so easily “hooked” into accepting responsibility by apologizing for being berated.
so many of us do accept responsibility for another person’s anger, especially when it is unexpected and completely unjustified.
“I was just …,” may be a way of saying, “I hope no one will find a problem with this and berate me for it or vent their rage on me, or devise a negligent or malevolent motive for my actions.”
she must go along with what he wants to prove her love.
When the partner recognizes that she is being verbally abused, she no longer accepts responsibility for her mate’s behavior. Then, by asking for changes and choosing freely the kind of life she desires, by taking responsibility for herself, and by acting in her own best interests she relieves her feelings of inadequacy and regains her natural State of Personal Power.
The feeling of frustration calls forth the awareness of having been kept from reaching the desirable state.
each time she explains what she is really thinking, doing, or saying, what she means or intends, the abuser negates her in some way. The partner is left with a deep sense of frustration.
When the partner recognizes that her mate has no determination to understand her, she has begun to understand him. And, although she may be angry, she is no longer frustrated.
The feeling of affection calls forth the awareness of an inclination to share the desirable state. The spirit is nourished. The feeling of rejection calls forth the awareness of having been refused
sharing her joys and pleasures with her mate.
the abuser may actually be angered when his partner thinks he would be pleased.
The feeling of hope calls forth the awareness that being in the desirable state is possible. The spirit is nourished. The feeling of disappointment calls forth the awareness that the desirable state has not been realized
abuser’s inability to accept her, his indifference, or his erratic temper swing her back from hope to disappointment.
The feeling of happiness calls forth the awareness that the desirable state is accessible. The spirit is nourished. The feeling of sadness calls forth the awareness that the desirable state is lost
deep emotional pain.
sadness indicate deep harm to the spirit within.
realizes where her own happiness lies — at her own center where her own spirit seeks nourishing,
The feeling of security calls forth the awareness that the desirable state is not threatened. The spirit is nourished. The feeling of fear calls forth the awareness that the desirable state is threatened.
recognize some problems but may believe that they can be worked out.
she may grow to fear his anger and his unpredictability. At the same time she may fear the loss of love and the security she believed she had
Since verbal abuse is, in essence, unexpected and unpredictable, the partner is often relaxed, serene, happy, or enthusiastic about something when she is suddenly thrown off balance, or shocked
knowing that one person “out there” understands can make all the difference.
In summary, the partner does not realize that an abusive personality — one that seeks Power Over another — is not capable of the empathetic comprehension that love and relationship require.
you may begin to recognize the abuse by becoming
