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October 8 - October 8, 2018
1. Get professional counseling support
2. Ask your mate to go to this counselor with you
3. Start setting limits
Threats are often idle forms of manipulation. Threats are stated in the form “If you … I’ll …” Setting a limit is stating a fact: “I will not accept …”
you speak from your own Personal Power,
4. Stay in the present, trying to dwell neither on the past nor on your concerns for the future.
call the abuser on every offense.
a firm, authoritative “Stop it!” is effective.
5. Be aware that you can leave any abusive situation
6. Ask for changes that you want in your relationship.
completely accept your own perceptions and your own feelings. When you can define your own reality as separate and different from your mate’s, you gain clarity, self-esteem, and autonomy.
turn each accusatory statement around into an “I know that I am not” statement.
In order to change, he would have to break though his denial, admit to the abuse, and work through the issues which left him with such a great need for dominance
the loss of illusion
there is nothing you can say or do to change another person.
The other person must want to change
All verbal abuse violates your boundaries
boundary violation is the experience of abuse.
boundaries: If you are called names, your boundaries are violated. You are being defined by the abuser in his terms, not yours. It is as if your boundaries which establish and define your individuality do not exist.
When you are ordered to do something, you are being treated as if you are not a separate individual to be consulted
You are being treated as if you had no boundary — nothing to separate you from the abuser — as if you were his extension — an instrument of his will.
well said!
Denial is also a violation of your boundaries. If your experience is denied or discounted,
the importance of responding to verbal abuse in a way that reestablishes and reconfirms your boundaries.
If we describe verbal abuse from the standpoint of boundary violation, we would describe it as an intrusion upon, or disregard of, one’s self by a person who disregards boundaries in a sometimes relentless pursuit of Power Over, superiority, and dominance by covert or overt means.
some questions which may help you to evaluate the quality of your relationship: Does your mate enrich your life? Does he bring you joy? Do you feel a real connection to him? Do you think in the same way and share the same dreams? Does he show goodwill? Good will in a relationship is a warmth and honesty which comes from one’s deepest sense of truth. It is a concern for the other’s well-being
Although you may experience some verbal abuse, if your mate shows goodwill and you can answer “yes” to the above questions, there is a good chance he fits into the category of “having some misbehaviors” which he may give up when you enforce your limits.
gain awareness and self-esteem in the process.
These responses are designed to awaken your mate to the fact that his behavior is inappropriate and is unacceptable to you. Some people change their behavior when they experience the impact of a strong response. Others are very resistant to change.
partners sometimes respond to childish outbursts such as temper tantrums and “nasty” name calling as if they were coming from a rational adult.
To the four-year-old, his view is the only view. The child wants the world to be fixed and sure. The mature adult recognizes that it isn’t — that there are as many points of view as there are people.
For the most part, we take after our own parents in the expression of anger. Knowingly
By the time we reach adulthood we have learned how to express anger appropriately. The abuser has missed this crucial learning. And this, by the way, is exactly why he is angry and abusive.
Abuse is used in the wrong way here. Abuse is intentional with the goal of controlling.
If you are feeling stunned, shocked, or in too much pain to speak, if your mate seems to go out of control with anger; if you are feeling fearful of him, if he has threatened you with any harm, if he has hit you or threatened to hit or hurt you, you should not be dealing with his abusive behavior alone and you must question the health of staying around him.
You are not involved in word games when you are living with abuse. You are fighting for your spirit, your sanity, your soul.
yes! People in normal relationships find this hard to understand.
your “heart is open” to your mate and he has, therefore, the power to reject you.
Abuse is rejection.
you will know within a month or two whether he is changing because he will either have stopped abusing you or he will be continuing to abuse you.
There may be as many views of something as there are people on the planet. Each one’s view fits with her or his perspective, experience, beliefs, and so forth. When you are told that your view is wrong, it is as though someone has stepped into your body and mind and then negated your experience. Clearly, countering is a violation of your boundaries.
Respond with natural outrage if for no other reason than that you don’t like it, period.
Any time you are put down, disparaged, denigrated, or ridiculed, or just don’t like what you’re hearing try responding emphatically with, “I’m wondering. Now that you have said that (put me down) (interrupted me) (laughed at me), do you feel more important? I’d like you to think about this.” Then disengage. Leave the room
Stay aware and alert to your feelings.
Since you have a right to manage your affairs, if you are being blocked and diverted from gaining the information you need, then your boundaries are being violated. You are being thwarted in a sneaky, covert way, as if you did not have basic rights.
Responding with awareness to accusation and blame is crucial if the partner is to live free from abuse.
Abusive statements are lies about you which are told to you. They violate your boundaries. The abuser in effect invades your mind, makes up a “story” about your motives, and then tells it to you. No human being has the right to do that to another.
accusing and blaming involve lies about the partner’s intentions, attitudes, and motives.
feel that if you could explain things he’d understand, remember this: If someone started throwing rocks through your windows, you would be more inclined to tell him to stop than you would be to explain to him why he shouldn’t throw rocks. Verbal abuse is like a rock thrown through your window.
No one has the right to judge and criticize your personal qualities and performance. Defining you violates your boundaries. The presumption is an invasion.
“I don’t accept that.”
Then disengage, leave the area
Trivializing is abusive behavior which makes light of your work, your efforts, your interests, or your concerns. It is done very covertly, often with feigned innocence.
