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October 8 - October 8, 2018
the threat of “pending disaster” shatters the partner’s serenity as well as her boundaries.
if he wants something of you, he must make a courteous request. You
Do not believe the abuser’s denial, or you may be caught in the endless cycle of trying to explain to him how he hurts or frightens you
If you become stuck in this cycle of needing to explain, it may be because you believe that there is some way to gain your mate’s understanding.
The more she explains, the madder he gets, so the more she tries.
She may assume that when she can get him to understand what she meant, he’ll stop raging and at last be happier with her.
She might become stuck trying to overcome or transcend her hurt,
forgetting is a form of denial that shifts all responsibility from the abuser
In order not to be confused by denial, keep your attention focused upon your own feelings
If you feel the hurt, pain, or confusion of abuse, don’t spend time trying to understand your mate or how he could be saying what he’s saying. If you don’t like it, respond in a way that lets him know you want him to stop right now.
petulant, screaming, tantrum-throwing, recalcitrant, or argumentative child. If you can bring one of these images to mind the next time he yells at you, you might respond with, “You may not raise your voice to me” or “I don’t like that tone of voice.” Or you might be quick enough to say, “Stop! Take a deep breath and please talk nicely.” An angry man may abuse you around friends in a way which has meaning only to you. In this situation, if you speak up, you may appear to be “out of line” or “making something up.” Try responding with, “Although no one here knows what this is about, I am very
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moment you see the rigid, tense, ready-to-explode appearance of his face and body, respond with, “Hold it!” or leave.
You were not meant to live your life being on guard,
The recognition of abuse,
brings both pain and shock.
The spirit is wrenched from its foundations as mind and body confro...
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A support group which can give you honest feedback and a sense of community and can validate your feelings
Focus on living in the present,
Double messages, such as when the abuser says, “I’m not mad! I don’t know what you’re talking about!” while he sounds mad and does know what he’s talking about, are always confusing. Now, by giving your feelings and perceptions priority, double messages will not betray you. For example, if you hear his anger even when he says he’s not angry, your perception of his anger takes priority over his words. You know he is angry because you hear his anger.
If you had experienced abuse that shocked you and left you feeling confused and off balance, you may now experience flashbacks. These occur because the initial experience was traumatizing.
If you were repeatedly told that you do not know what you are talking about, or if all your views and perceptions were countered, you will need time to experience the correspondence between your perceptions and the reality around you without interference.
If I do meet that kind of person, I’m gone. Like it doesn’t take two minutes to spot it.
as if I were wrong to feel hurt,
“Now that it’s over I realize that I liked to be near trees and plants because I felt safe with them. They didn’t hurt me.”
In childhood the typical partner lived in Reality I where the power adults have over children was misused,
indifferent, absent, uninvolved, or angry father.
in childhood she did have some sympathetic witness to her experience
From childhood, she is conditioned not to understand her feelings and so not to recognize the truth.
This is what requiring 100% cheerful and immediate obedience does. And spanking the child if even a look of frustration crosses his face when he's commanded to stop what he's doing immediately and do something you've commanded.
The absence or presence of a helping witness in childhood determines whether a mistreated child will become a despot who turns his repressed feelings of helplessness against others or an artist who can tell about his or her suffering.
Abusers seek Power Over because they feel helpless. The helpless, painful feelings of childhood that “must not exist” and “must not be felt” do exist and, if not felt, are acted out.
this statement is too general and unproven.
Personal Power is felt as the ability to know, to choose, and to create from the ground of one’s being, that is, from the awareness of one’s true feelings.
he cannot, by abuse, bring his stifled feeling self to life. Since he mistakes excitement for aliveness and triumph for strength, he remains in constant need of bolstering his ideal image.
compare the abuser to the Wizard of Oz.
To the abuser, his partner is an extension of himself. When he sees her, he is reminded of his own dark feelings, his own vulnerability — the feelings that “must not exist,” the feelings that must be controlled.
Many partners said that when they told their mates that they felt hurt, their mates reacted with accusations such as, “Now you’re saying I’m an awful person” or “Now you’re attacking me.” This is projection.
whose entire psychological orientation is based upon venting the rage of his feeling self, establishing a sense of power through Power Over, bolstering his ideal image — his mental construction of who he is — and defending himself from all knowledge of what he is doing by projecting his feelings onto his partner.
every abuse is an attempt by the abuser to defend himself from his inner child’s feelings of anger, fear and helplessness, and to protect himself from the knowledge of what he is doing.
Without a stance of superiority for protection, the abuser’s feelings of powerlessness that must not be felt might be felt.
if the partner has a different view from him, he is no longer in control.
Accusing and blaming are defenses and significant symptoms of projection.
By declaring his superiority and “rightness” he reinforces both his ideal image and his entire defense system.
By forgetting, the abuser denies responsibility for his behavior while acting out his hostility.
Unless he is willing to look into himself, he will not perceive his lack. If he does look into himself, he will confront his own “beast in the jungle” — a life spent, not in living, but in keeping his feelings at bay.
spouses have been angrier, colder, more accusatory, and more blaming when faced with a failure or even just the potential of one.
perceive their partners as separate people, but rather as all-needs-meeting-extensions of themselves.
If a verbal abuser talked to his partner as if she were a true equal in the relationship, he would be acknowledging her personhood, her separateness, her self. This would feel like suicide to the abuser because he is projected into her — she is the “rest of him.”
But I felt I had to do it to support him. Isn’t that what wives do?
He will say everything his partner ever wanted to hear and be utterly convincing.
yelling at me for every little perceived infraction of his rules. He was always angry and always criticizing.
Everything you have to do with them is a struggle.
