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June 9 - June 14, 2020
The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place. —GEORGE BERNARD SHAW
opinions vary.
stakes are high.
emotions run strong.
The key to real change lies not in implementing a new process, but in getting people to hold one another accountable to the process.
The path to high productivity passes not through a static system, but through face-to-face conversations.
Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter. —MARTIN LUTHER KING JR.
The mistake most of us make in our crucial conversations is we believe that we have to choose between telling the truth and keeping a friend.
When it comes to risky, controversial, and emotional conversations, skilled people find a way to get all relevant information (from themselves and others) out into the open.
People who are skilled at dialogue do their best to make it safe for everyone to add their meaning to the shared pool—even ideas that at first glance appear controversial, wrong, or at odds with their own beliefs. Now, obviously, they don’t agree with every idea; they simply do their best to ensure that all ideas find their way into the open.
In every instance where bosses are smart, highly paid, confident, and outspoken (i.e., most of the world), people tend to hold back their opinions rather than risk angering someone in a position of power.
The Pool of Shared Meaning is the birthplace of synergy.
when people aren’t involved, when they sit back quietly during touchy conversations, they’re rarely committed to the final decision. Since their ideas remain in their heads and their opinions never make it into the pool, they end up quietly criticizing and passively resisting.
“He that complies against his will is of his own opinion still.”
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. —AMBROSE BIERCE
first principle of dialogue—Start with Heart.
Skilled people Start with Heart. That is, they begin high-risk discussions with the right motives, and they stay focused no matter what happens.
When under attack, our heart can take a similarly sudden and unconscious turn. When faced with pressure and strong opinions, we often stop worrying about the goal of adding to the pool of meaning and start looking for ways to win, punish, or keep the peace.
as we grow older, most of us don’t realize that this desire to win is continually driving us away from healthy dialogue.
We’re so uncomfortable with the immediate conflict that we accept the certainty of bad results to avoid the possibility of uncomfortable conversation.
Here are some great ones: What do I really want for myself? What do I really want for others? What do I really want for the relationship? Once you’ve asked yourself what you want, add one more equally telling question: How would I behave if I really wanted these results?
Find your bearings.
Take charge of your body.
Asking questions about what we really want serves two important purposes. First, it reminds us of our goal. Second, it juices up our brain in a way that helps us keep focused.
Work on Me First, Us Second • Remember that the only person you can directly control is yourself. Focus on What You Really Want • When you find yourself moving toward silence or violence, stop and pay attention to your motives. • Ask yourself: “What does my behavior tell me about what my motives are?” • Then, clarify what you really want. Ask yourself: “What do I want for myself? For others? For the relationship?” • And finally, ask: “How would I behave if this were what I really wanted?”
Refuse the Fool’s Choice • As you consider what you want, notice when you start talking yourself into a Fool’s Choice. • Watch to see if you’re telling yourself that you must choose between peace and honesty, between winning and losing, and so on. • Break free of these Fool’s Choices by searching for the and. • Clarify what you don’t want, add it to what you do want, and ask your brain to start searching for healthy options to bring you to dialogue.
I have known a thousand scamps; but I never met one who considered himself so. Self-knowledge isn’t so common. —OUIDA
Actually, it helps to watch for three different conditions: the moment a conversation turns crucial, signs that people don’t feel safe (silence or violence), and your own Style Under Stress.
When it’s unsafe, you start to go blind.
Don’t let safety problems lead you astray.
The three most common forms of silence are masking, avoiding, and withdrawing.
Masking consists of understating or selectively showing our true opinions. Sarcasm, sugarcoating, and couching are some of the more popular forms.
• Avoiding involves steering completely away from sensitive subjects. We talk, but without addressing the real issues.
Withdrawing means pulling out of a conversation altogether. We either exit the conversation or exit the room.
threats. The three most common forms are controlling, labeling, and attacking.
Learn to Look To break from this insidious cycle, Learn to Look. • Learn to look at content and conditions.
• Look for when things become crucial. • Learn to watch for safety problems. • Look to see if others are moving toward silence or violence. • Look for outbreaks of your Style Under Stress.
Mutual Respect is the continuance condition of dialogue. As people perceive that others don’t respect them, the conversation immediately becomes unsafe and dialogue comes to a screeching halt.
we can stay in dialogue by finding a way to honor and regard another person’s basic humanity.
In essence, feelings of disrespect often come when we dwell on how others are different from ourselves.
When we recognize that we all have weaknesses, it’s easier to find a way to respect others.
Commit to seek Mutual Purpose. Make a unilateral public commitment to stay in the conversation until you come up with something that serves everyone.
Recognize the purpose behind the strategy. Ask people why they want what they’re pushing for. Separate what they’re demanding from the purpose it serves.
Invent a Mutual Purpose. If after clarifying everyone’s purposes you are still at odds, see if you can invent a higher or longer-term purpose that is more motivating than the ones that keep you in conflict.
Brainstorm new strategies. With a clear Mutual Purpose, you can join forces in searching for a solution that serves everyone.
SUMMARY—MAKE IT SAFE Step Out When others move to silence or violence, step out of the conversation and Make It Safe. When safety is restored, go back to the issue at hand and continue the dialogue. Decide Which Condition of Safety Is at Risk • Mutual Purpose. Do others believe you care about their goals in this conversation? Do they trust your motives? • Mutual Respect. Do others believe you respect them?
Apologize When Appropriate • When you’ve clearly violated respect, apologize. Contrast to Fix Misunderstanding • When others misunderstand either your purpose or your intent, use Contrasting. Start with what you don’t intend or mean. Then explain what you do intend or mean. Create a Mutual Purpose • When you are at cross-purposes, use four skills to get back to Mutual Purpose: • Commit to seek Mutual Purpose. • Recognize the purpose behind the strategy. • Invent a Mutual Purpose. • Brainstorm new strategies.
It’s not how you play the game, it’s how the game plays you.
Nothing in this world is good or bad, but thinking makes it so. —WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE
Even if you don’t realize it, you are telling yourself stories.
