Crucial Conversations Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High

by Kerry Patterson

There are four common ways of making decisions: command, consult, vote, and consensus.

Four Important Questions When choosing among the four methods of decision making,

2. Who knows?

3. Who must agree?

4. How many people is it worth involving?

To avoid common traps, make sure you consider the following four elements: • Who? • Does what? • By when? • How will you follow up?

“One dull pencil is worth six sharp minds.”

SUMMARY—MOVE TO ACTION Turn your successful crucial conversations into great decisions and united action by avoiding the two traps of violated expectations and inaction. Decide How to Decide • Command. Decisions are made without involving others. • Consult. Input is gathered from the group and then a subset decides. • Vote. An agreed-upon percentage swings the decision. • Consensus. Everyone comes to an agreement and then supports the final decision. Finish Clearly Determine who does what by when. Make the deliverables crystal clear. Set a follow-up time. Record the commitments and then follow up. Finally, hold people accountable to their promises.

Good words are worth much and cost little. —GEORGE HERBERT

When it comes to regaining trust in others, don’t set the bar too high. Just try to trust them in the moment, not across all issues.

If people simply bother you at some abstract level, maybe what they’re doing isn’t worthy of a conversation. Perhaps the problem is not their behavior but your tolerance.

Choose your targets very carefully. Consider two dimensions: (1) What bothers you the most? “He or she is constantly assuming the worst and telling horrible stories.” (2) What might be the easiest to work on? “He or she rarely shows any appreciation.”

I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don’t even invite me. —DAVE BARRY

Learn to Look. The first lever for positive change is Learn to Look. That is, people who improve their dialogue skills continually ask themselves whether they’re in or out of dialogue.

Make It Safe. The second lever is Make It Safe. We’ve suggested that dialogue consists of the free flow of meaning and that the number one flow stopper is a lack of safety.