Crucial Conversations Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High

by Kerry Patterson

Any set of facts can be used to tell an infinite number of stories.

long. You’ll die of analysis paralysis.

The first step to regaining emotional control is to challenge the illusion that what you’re feeling is the only right emotion under the circumstances.

Don’t confuse stories with facts.

Separate fact from story by focusing on behavior.

Test your ideas against a simple criterion: Can you

see or hear this thing you’re calling a fact? Was it a...

Conclusions are subjective.

Spot the story by watching for “hot” words.

In Victim Stories we exaggerate our own innocence. In Villain Stories we overemphasize the other person’s guilt or stupidity.

Finally come Helpless Stories. In these fabrications we make ourselves out to be powerless to do anything healthy or helpful.

While Villain and Victim Stories look back to explain why we’re in the situation we’re in, Helpless Stories look forward to explain why we can’t do anything to change our situation.

Sellouts are often not big events. In fact, they can be so small that they’re easy for us to overlook when we’re crafting our clever stories. Here are some common ones: • You believe you should help someone, but don’t.

• You believe you should apologize, but don’t. • You believe you should stay late to finish up on a commitment, but go home instead. • You say yes when you know you should say no, then hope no one follows up to see if you keep your commitment. • You believe you should talk to someone about concerns you have with him or her, but don’t. • You do less than your share and think you should acknowledge it, but say nothing knowing no one else will bring it up either. • You believe you should listen respectfully to feedback, but become defensive instead. • You see problems with a plan someone presents and think you should speak up, but don’t. • You fail to complete an assignment on time and believe you should let others know, but don’t. • You know you have information a coworker could use, but keep it to yourself.

Turn victims into actors. If you notice that you’re talking about yourself as an innocent victim (and you weren’t held up at gunpoint), ask:

• Am I pretending not to notice my role in the problem?

Turn villains into humans. When you find yourself labeling or otherwise vilifying others, stop and ask:

• Why would a reasonable, rational, and decent person do what this person is doing?

Turn the helpless into the able. Finally, when you catch yourself bemoaning your own helplessness, you can tell the complete story by returning to your original motive. To do so, stop and ask: • What do I really want? For me? For others? For the relationship?

• What would I do right now if I really wanted these results?

SUMMARY—MASTER MY STORIES If strong emotions are keeping you stuck in silence or violence, try this. Retrace Your Path Notice your behavior. If you find yourself moving away from dialogue, ask yourself what you’re really doing. • Am I in some form of silence or violence? Get in touch with your feelings. Learn to accurately identify the emotions behind your story.

• What emotions are encouraging me to act this way? Analyze your stories. Question your conclusions and look for other possible explanations behind your story. • What story is creating these emotions? Get back to the facts. Abandon your absolute certainty by distinguishing between hard facts and your invented story. • What evidence do I have to support this story? Watch for clever stories. Victim, Villain, and Helpless Stories sit at the top of the list. Tell the Rest of the Story Ask: • Am I pretending not to notice my role in the problem? • Why would a reasonable, rational, and decent person do this? • What do I really want? • What would I do right now if I really wanted these results?

Once you’ve worked on yourself to create the right conditions for dialogue, you can then draw upon five distinct skills that can help you talk about even the most sensitive topics. These five tools can be easily remembered with the acronym STATE. It stands for: • Share your facts • Tell your story • Ask for others’ paths • Talk tentatively • Encourage testing The first three skills describe what to do. The last two tell how to do it.

Since we’ve given them no facts to support our conclusion, they make up reasons we’re saying these things. They’re likely to believe we’re either stupid or evil.

And if you aren’t sure what your facts are (your story is absolutely filling your brain), take the time to think them through before you enter the crucial conversation. Take the time to sort out facts from conclusions. Gathering the facts is the homework required for crucial conversations.

In order to talk about your stories, you need to lead the others involved down your Path to Action. Let them experience your path from the beginning to the end, and not from the end to—well, to wherever it takes you. Let others see your experience from your point of view—starting with your facts. This way, when you do talk about what you’re starting to conclude, they’ll understand why. First the facts, then the story—and then make sure that as you explain your story, you tell it as a possible story, not as concrete fact.

To find out others’ views on the matter, encourage them to express their facts, stories, and feelings. Then carefully listen to what they have to say. Equally important, be willing to abandon or reshape your story as more information pours into the Pool of Shared Meaning.

Why soften the message? Because we’re trying to add meaning to the pool, not force it down other people’s throats. If we’re too forceful, the information won’t make it into the pool. One of the ironies of dialogue is that, when talking with those holding opposing opinions, the more convinced and forceful you act, the more resistant others become.

perfect. You should never pretend to be less confident than you are. But likewise, you should not pretend to be more confident than your limited capacity allows. Our observations could be faulty.

Not only should you invite others to talk, but you have to do so in a way that makes it clear that no matter how controversial their ideas might be, you want to hear them.

When you ask people to open up, be prepared to listen.

This means that at the very moment when most people become furious, we need to become curious.

Every sentence has a history.

When others are in either silence or violence, we’re actually joining their Path to Action already in progress.

Break the cycle.

We call the four skills power listening tools because they are best remembered with the acronym AMPP—Ask, Mirror, Paraphrase, and Prime.

Common invitations include:

“What’s going on?” “I’d really like to hear your opinion on this.” “Please let me know if you see it differently.” “Don’t worry about hurting my feelings. I really want to hear your thoughts.”

Don’t push too hard.

When it comes to power listening, sometimes you have to offer your best guess at what the other person is thinking or feeling before you can expect him or her to do the same.

Priming is an act of good faith, taking risks, becoming vulnerable, and building safety in hopes that others will share their meaning.

If you agree with what has been said but the information is incomplete, build. Point out areas of agreement, and then add elements that were left out of the discussion.

Finally, if you do disagree, compare your path with the other person’s. That is, rather than suggesting that he or she is wrong, suggest that you differ.

“I think I see things differently. Let me describe how.”

SUMMARY—EXPLORE OTHERS’ PATHS To encourage the free flow of meaning and help others leave silence or violence behind, explore their Paths to Action. Start with an attitude of curiosity and patience. This helps restore safety. Then, use four powerful listening skills to retrace the other person’s Path to Action to its origins. • Ask. Start by simply expressing interest in the other person’s views. • Mirror. Increase safety by respectfully acknowledging the emotions people appear to be feeling. • Paraphrase. As others begin to share part of their story, restate what you’ve heard to show not just that you understand, but also that it’s safe for them to share what they’re thinking. • Prime. If others continue to hold back, prime. Take your best guess at what they may be thinking and feeling. As you begin to share your views, remember: • Agree. Agree when you share views. • Build. If others leave something out, agree where you share views, then build.

• Compare. When you do differ significantly, don’t suggest others are wrong. Compare your two views.

To do nothing is in every man’s power. —SAMUEL JOHNSON

Having more meaning in the pool, even jointly owning it, doesn’t guarantee that we all agree on what we’re going to do with the meaning.

they often fail to convert the ideas into action for two reasons:

• They have unclear expectations about how decisions will be made. • They do a poor job of acting o...