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“I mean, I’m not gonna lie. No, that was not what I’d been expecting. But…I’m not really that surprised either.”
Yeah, nobody is surprised that the two have feelings for each other
I think you gotta get outta your head or you’re going to overthink it all and get desperate.”
This is the advice - Maddox has always worked best by going on instinct and following his emotions. It's when he thinks about things that they all start going wrong.
So new that I hadn’t even considered this a part of my sexuality. But if my cock was a compass, it was pointing straight at that fucker.
There is a message here about not overthinking things - he is happiest when he follows good instincts and even his body's cues, but when he tries thinking about things too much, he gets in his head and faces a crisis. This is complicated by Devon a bit - he's afraid of thinking but it doesn't complicate things for him.
And his money problems weren’t our problem. It wasn’t my job to get him out of trouble.
We see again that Devon isn't really about helping people - which is why he can't recognize (or understand) when people want to help him out
I hated when he dismissed us like we were good for nothing and couldn’t take care of ourselves without his help. It was the other way around, but he’d always been good at gaslighting us.
Devon questions authority - in this case the authority of his father; it's almost as if fathers represent authority and the book is telling us to not fall or give in to authoritarianism using the fathers as a symbol - the fathers lie, push people down, and use others to keep people down, specifically Devon and Nate's dad, but we have heard Maddox refer to his father as a gaslighter as well who forces the sons to give him their money - also brings to mind the idea that sometimes a child's first bullies are their parents
He didn’t even apologize or offer any sort of remorse for what he did to me.
But would he have accepted an apology? I can't imagine that an apology would have helped in any way, considering all that his father did to him.
He never wanted me; he wanted his one perfect kid, and that was it.
Interesting - Devon has never felt wanted by anybody. No wonder he has trouble believing that anybody would care for him.
It’s not like I deserved anyone, anyway. I was a piece of shit trailer trash redneck who worked part-time on the rigs and cut grass at a shitty golf course. I had no redeeming qualities, nothing to offer, and a bad attitude on top of all that.
Devon again believes that he is worthless - something drilled into him his entire life - that he doesn't realize this isn't true. Maddox saw all of this about Devon in a previous chapter and admitted that he still wanted him.
Give me a few years and I’d probably have a drug dependency, alcoholism, and a needy kid or two with a chick who hated my guts.
Once again, his self-worth is so low that he can only see himself becoming his father (which none of the other characters think) - this is the worst fate for him.
I’d treated him like shit my whole life, mostly because I was envious of him and my dad told me to, so it’s not like I even deserved his attention.
Too late - he's always had Maddox's attention, but Maddox didn't understand what it meant. He does recognize that Maddox is a good person, and can't see why a good person would want anything to do with him. Obviously he needs therapy but that is unlikely if they can't even afford help for their mom. It's the idea that he's going to become his parents and can't do anything to stop it, versus Maddox actively working to not become like his.
The sight of Maddox just reminded me of all the shit I’d fucked up in my life—the shit I’d always want but would never have, and the reminder that he’d always be better than me.
He's finally admitting that he wants Maddox - but now that he realizes that Maddox might be interested in him, he's begun idolizing him and finding reasons why he'll remain alone.
“I need you to drop your guards and get drunk tonight, bud.”
We see that Nate isn't as emotionally intelligent as Xavi - Nate is just as broken as Devon (differently, obviously), and has a habit of giving Devon bad advice and not taking his thoughts into account.
“Then why did he go to Xavi all confused about his feelings?”
Maddox specifically asked Xavi to avoid going to Nate, but he did it anyway. This is getting into the meddling territory - the brothers are pushing things onto people who aren't ready.
“Forget about what I said before. You wanna go to the pit and shoot skeets?”
So "Strangers With Candy" coded
“I’m sorry, Dev! I love you! Don’t kill each other!”
It's interesting that Maddox and Devon trust their brothers totally, but the brothers have betrayed them and not taking their feelings into account. They feel like they know best, and even if they do, they're forcing their agenda onto their brothers.
I knew Xavi would fuck this up for me. I told him not to talk to Nate about it, but clearly, those fuckwits gossiped enough to plan this colossal dumpster fire of a scheme.
I wonder - will this ruin the relationship between the brothers?
Fighting was our default, but there was a new kind of energy mixed in with our anger now.
Fighting as foreplay
Maybe it was. Maybe I was the only one who couldn’t get that kiss off my mind. Maybe it was normal for him, the same as kissing any other guy, no better than the prick with the name-brand jeans.
It's interesting - Devon clocked him on his jealousy previously, but this is the first time Maddox has really had to question himself - he still thinks Devon is trying to get under his skin and he can't handle that. Obviously they needed to talk, but neither is good at that (for different reasons) without falling back into their old patterns - which is why they default to the physical act of fighting
Why did that hurt so much? Why did it bother me that he could forget about it like it never happened? Like fuck, he was the first and only guy I’d ever kissed. How was I supposed to forget that? Actually, he was the first person I’d ever kissed and…felt all that with.
As always, Maddox acts with his emotions first - Devon uses (flawed) logic - they need to work on their communication styles and both need to learn some qualities from the other one. It's interesting that Maddox can accept his queerness, but still can't rationalize it because he doesn't totally understand it.
I’d been horny enough to let her give me a handie. Sure, my cock got hard once I thought about Devon, but I couldn’t carry on with it because I felt like such a trashy asshole for using her like that.
We see more of Maddox's decency here - he doesn't want to use other people and stops doing it. It goes back to his desire for people to be faithful to him, which is a part of the reason I wonder about the betrayal by the brothers.
A whole pack of wolves howled in my chest.
There's this tie back to nature. Wolves are dangerous, and howling wolves can be both terrifying (if you're not a wolf) or exhilarating (if you are one). He went into the woods and find himself there, but now he's not sure how Devon will react.
“So, now I’m sitting here all confused and angry about it, overthinking the logistics of how things work, feeling like a douchebag because you’ve probably been with all sorts of guys, and I’m just…me.”
We're finally seeing some vulnerability from Maddox - he's never had somebody interested in him (or care about him) and so he's confused. In a way he's similar to Devon, but whereas Devon thinks he's unlovable, Maddox thinks he's loveable so long as he's helping others - it's what's under the surface of all of his behaviour. That's why this thing with Devon is surprising - Devon doesn't want anything from him and he's not used to that.
I was half-ass addicted to him—fucking with him, pissing him off, competing with him.
Yes this has been clear
That’s why I was drinking, but I didn’t spend all my time trying not to turn into my dad like he did.
Ding ding ding - Maddox knows that he's nothing like his parents and will stop before he becomes them. Devon tries but thinks he'll end up like them anyway
Even when we were causing trouble in each other’s lives, we always found a reason to be near one another.
Multiple people have said this. It's known that the two care most about each other.
“But if I had to analyze it or some shit, I’d probably admit that maybe I did it because it felt like…like getting a part of you. In a way.”
It's interesting - they both admit that the other has qualities that they admire and wish they had - Maddox's decency and Devon's confidence - but these are both tied up in their trauma and both know that they want that piece of the other in their lives - that's how they'd be better, to be more like the other one.
You couldn’t cut the awkward tension in here with a knife that shit was so thick.
This sentence makes no sense and is poorly written
He was one of those tall, dark, and dangerous types, but the poor version with added circles under his eyes, cuts and scars, and a general weariness to him that proved there was no rest for the wicked.
He's attracted to Maddox - I get the feeling that wicked is not meant as a character judgment.
it made me respect him for all the extra effort he put into fucking with me over the years. This guy barely had time to take a proper shower, yet he always found the time to rise up to our challenges.
Interesting to note that Devon enjoys being challenged - I get the impression that he likes Maddox's challenges because it affords him a sense of control in life that he doesn't have otherwise
I knew what I wanted; I just didn’t know how to get there.
Spending time with Maddox is good for Devon - he begins wanting things which was not the case beforehand.
Even the kiss at the track had been fuelled by aggression.
Growing up in a violent place, it's not a surprise - violence is some of the only ways they understand interacting with the world
“Stop thinking.”
As before, this is the advice that Maddox needs - for him, overthinking leads to paralysis
the tingles shot a straight path to my dick with an offshoot towards my heart I was trying to ignore.
Devon doesn't think he deserves love - he's okay with the physical but can't handle anything deeper.
What the hell were we doing getting attracted to each other?
In a way they always have been, they just hadn't realized it.
We’re fucking rivals, Sawyer!
They're the only ones who think this. I do wish they'd stop calling each other rivals and enemies so much though - who talks like that?
“I want you,” he admitted, slightly calmer, but not by much. “I fucking want you.” He looked like he wanted to kill me.
The first thing he's really wanted beyond getting out of town - and once again, he's ruining it by overthinking things.
I hate you even more because you’ve done this shit before, and I hate when we aren’t on an equal playing field!
Maddox has always seen them as equals, but now he knows that he has to learn something from Maddox, something that he can't get help from by just hoping it happens.
Maddox was going to trap himself in his head forever if I didn’t do something about it.
I think one of the reasons why Maddox tries not to think is because he's often plagued by overthinking - and that scares him because he can't afford to be that person where they live - he admires Devon because he makes the thinking look easy and Maddox is a nervous wreck. That's part of what's beyond motocross and working 20 hour days - it stops him from being stuck in his head.
I’d never really paid much attention to his signals.
This is clear - Devon has always focused on himself because he needed to make sure that he was safe - that hasn't been true for Maddox who does pay attention to people and works to keep them safe.
His chest was rising and falling with shallow breaths, and his eyes were still on mine as he processed everything.
He continues overthinking everything - but now Maddox is allowing somebody else to do the thinking for him - he needs somebody who is more sure of things to help keep him grounded
So I had to take that as some fucked up version of consent.
I mean we've got to work that in there somehow
The Maddox I knew was here. Primal, aggressive, struggling to submit to this, and so turned on it wasn’t even a question anymore.
It's interesting how much animalistic imagery is associated with Maddox - he needs to give in to this side but at the same time he also needs to overcome it
Because this asshole needed to rid himself of his reservations, stop thinking about things so analytically and learn to get lost in the moment.
This is how it goes - Devon recognizes that he can help Maddox - he's able to see that he has the ability to do things that help others.
I was breaking all sorts of promises I made to myself.
Devon breaking these promises shows that he is willing to step away from the status quo - he needs to do this in order to see what other possibilities await him if he stops living a life that is safe, conventional, and dull
Don’t freak out. Don’t freak out. Don’t freak out.
It's like he accidentally discovered mindfulness and self-care
Make this less awkward and force me to forget to be ashamed.
He thinks too much and needs constant reminders to get out of his head.
It wasn’t like when Julie did it because…because it was Devon, and even though his mouth was wet and warm, the same as hers, he brought a level of volatility and aggression to the experience that had my eyes shutting in bliss.
It's like he's finally realizing that he's always cared for Devon, more than most other people. Now he's realizing what he meant when he said he couldn't imagine his life without Devon. He doesn't just need some body, he needs Devon
I panted like a junkyard dog.
Animalistic nature - but now one who isn't wild, but who has been tamed (and still protective)
how did I not know I was into this before?
I mean fair, homosexuality is great! It also shows that he's never really allowed himself to think about it before because he was worrying about spiraling. I don't like that it reduces everything to a sexual act though as opposed to an identity - does he consider this a new facet of his identity?
The fact that he was being an asshole put me at ease enough to let my true self out.
He needs Devon to act like he's always acted as a way to get out of his head. Devon uses the familiar as a way to wallow in self pity, but Maddox uses it to get out of his own head
