Garron Park (From Nothing, #1)

by Nordika Night

I stood up faster than I should have, swaying on my feet and feeling way too much like my dad. I wasn’t drunk or hungover, I reminded myself. I wasn’t like him.

Neither Maddox nor Devon want to be like their fathers - again with the idea that family isn't everything.

It came out halfhearted, but it felt good to say.

He needs to go through the rituals of normalcy.

Shouldn’t he have been the one handling his own debts?

Another contrast to Maddox. Both give their money to their fathers; Maddox knows he shouldn't, but does anyway to keep the peace. Devon will, but questions it and doesn't think that it's right.

People like me didn’t have the right to make wishes, hope for a better life, or think that I could come in second place and be congratulated for it.

This is Devon's whole perspective crystalized - he thinks his life is small and deserves it. The affects of abuse force him to remain small and to crave normalcy - it's all he knows. Again shows a contrast between him and Maddox - Maddox wants a better life but doesn't think it will happen, but Devon doesn't even think he has the right to hope for a better life.

Between the beating I took last night, Maddox taking care of me, getting hard at the sight of his cock, and now hiding in his room like it was a safe place, I just needed Nate.

Devon is panicking - he feels destabilized because the status quo has changed and he doesn't like it. He needs things to stay normal and he can't handle when things change. Possible theme? Craving normalcy won't make you happy?

He paced along the living room floor of Andrea’s trailer as she checked my wounds and Madd’s job of fixing them.

Who's Andrea?

I wouldn’t let my brother go to prison for me. Not like this.

More and more proof that Devon doesn't believe that he's worth saving - and yet it makes it sound like he's willing to let his brother go to prison for another reason. He doesn't see his father as worth it - once again tying into ideas of Devon's self-worth and also toxicity of father figures.

I couldn’t admit it.

We know Devon is aware of his thoughts, but is unwilling to accept them because of a variety of factors - mostly his unwillingness to accept that he deserves empathy.

“You aren’t him.”

Again, all four brothers want to avoid becoming their fathers

The same thing Maddox had said. Yet, I drank the whiskey he offered me and now I was agreeing to pain pills.

We have had several people (Maddox, Nick, Andrea) let Devon know that he's not his father, but he is unwilling to believe it. He believes that he's like his father - and the whiskey and pain pills (both needed for pain caused by his father) are further proof of this. Eventually all four men will need to defeat their fathers, but at this point this doesn't seem possible. At this point the only way they know how to defeat them is to not become them.

“Devon, please. If I go home right now, I’ll do something I can’t take back. I’ll fuck up our lives.”

Unlike Xavi and Maddox, Devon and Nate have a more codependent relationship. They both need the other to keep them in check - neither seems to care about themselves but care for the other.

One night, and then we’ll figure this out.

This highlights the relationship between the brothers. Maddox and Xavi work together to solve their problems but Devon and Nate put their problems aside to deal with later (at least so far)

Nate would be there to make sure I didn’t overdo it.

Devon doesn't trust himself to be good - once again, showing the codependency between these two - they can only rely on each other (and as we see later, Nate is bad at this)

Xavi laughed like a dipshit, and Nate joined in because the two of them together were fucking pathetic.

Similar to the way he thought about Maddox in the previous chapter. He is dismissive of others when he is unhappy or doesn't get his way. Almost like he's uncomfortable when people care about him?

And if I couldn’t go home, where was I going to live?

Devon craves normalcy and everyday routine - the idea that what he has may be taken away from him sends him into a spiral.

I wasn’t thrown that a guy turned me on; that shit had happened before. But Maddox fucking Kane? Yeah, that was the part that threw me off.

Interesting - Devon is aware of an accepts his sexuality. The issue is that he and Maddox are supposed to be rivals, and the fact that Maddox was kind to him is what's setting him off (this is somewhat similar to "Red, White, and Royal Blue" - at least the movie - because Devon's issue is less his sexuality and more who he is realizing he may have feelings for).

Apart from the few years we were friends during childhood, I’d never felt anything more than hatred, jealousy, competitiveness, rivalry, and frustration toward him.

Friends? What happened to turn the into rivals? Interesting that he feels jealousy - jealousy of what? Not all of these emotions are strictly "bad"

Why did I always go after a chick knowing he’d been with her? Why did the idea of that chick entice me more than actually being with her? Why hadn’t I slept with Julie when she threw herself at me? Why hadn’t I hooked up with anyone in months? Just to fuck with him? Just to show him I could take what he owned? Some other reason my brain didn’t want to allow me to process?

Devon is beginning to think through his feelings for Maddox and knows that he feels more than just hatred towards him - once again, as this challenges his status quo, he wants to reject it. It's possible that his brain won't allow him to process his feelings, and yet the more he thinks about Maddox, the more clear it's becoming that he knows the truth but is unwilling to admit it to himself.

I thought about it all damn day, which only made me resent Maddox even more. He already controlled all my actions, my mind, and my motivations, and I didn’t want him to control my cock on top of all that.

Conclusion of his thoughts - and what others have mentioned already - they both care about each other. We know that Maddox can't picture his life without Devon, and now we're seeing that Devon feels like Maddox controls him - his life is just reacting to Maddox. This makes sense - Maddox is more active and Devon is reactionary (also information we've seen in previous chapters)

Was this what it felt like to be my dad?

Every time he feels bad, he wonders if they are the same. Obviously the father has caused deep scars for him - he needs to finally escape his father but he and his brother are unable to do it on their own - they need additional help.

There was no grand plan for me. This was the life I was destined to live, the path I was meant to follow, and the image looking back at me in the mirror was too similar to my dad. I tried so damn hard not to become him, but I had anyway. A lowlife with no purpose in life. A scumbag with no one and nothing.

Devon continues to drift into self-loathing and self hatred. Becoming his dad is the worst thing that can happen to him, and he already believes that this is true. And yet we already know that his reflection is false - his brother is there for him, and so is Andrea - and also Maddox and Xavi. He just doesn't have a purpose.

“Did no one take care of you today?”

Devon has made it quite clear at this point that he does not care about himself - he sees himself as wicked - and yet Maddox, who has shown that he thinks Devon is dangerous, is still willing to take care of him. Maddox is showing that he's a caretaker, but now he's coming up against somebody who doesn't believe that he deserves care.

“One time, Sawyer. This will never happen again.”

I think this is the first time that somebody has spoken this underlying erotic tension between the two out loud?

It was a question, and I was ready to answer it.

He's finally admitting he knows the answer to what was plaguing him before. Unwilling to answer because it will make him uncomfortable and Devon is all about finding and maintaining safety.

The lukewarm water felt good, even though it stung all my cuts.

"You think you deserve this pain, but you don't." - "Me and You and Everyone We Know" Devon only feels good when he's in pain - because this is what he thinks he deserves.

It felt good, but I refused to acknowledge that, and when he used the shower head to rinse it all out, I closed my eyes so I didn’t have to see him.

We are seeing more symbolism. First of all the water - cleaning away all of Devon's misconceptions. He knows the truth. But also closed eyes - he doesn't want to acknowledge the truth. He is perpetually unable to confront or deal with his feelings.

He wasn’t much of a talker, never had been. He was more the type to level me with a look rather than his words.

It's interesting because this matches Maddox's earlier description of the two of them - so it shows they agree. And yet at this point Devon is only willing to discuss Maddox in terms of how they're different.

“Because if anyone gets to kick your ass, it’s me. Alright? Can we just leave it at that?”

Maddox is treating Devon like family - nobody is allowed to hate Devon but him. It's further evidence that Maddox is imagine his life without Devon, as eluded to in the first chapter.

Why was he tending to me like I was some damsel in distress? He hated me, probably as much or more than my dad did, yet he was here, taking care of me in the middle of the night.

This is highlighting several things - but most importantly, Devon doesn't understand tenderness. Maddox, however, is a caretaker, and this is the second night in a row that he's helped Devon - he feels a need to help people, no matter how he feels about them.

She also asked me what the hell was going on that made the two of us work together.

Most people realize that the two are "rivals" - but they also know they're obsessed with one another.

I didn’t want him dying on my watch, especially if it wasn’t by my hand. I wanted him to live to spite his dad.

Maddox has always cared about Devon - he acts tough but it's starting to feel like Devon is the one who needs to hate Maddox and Maddox just reacts because he's got a quick temper and doesn't think things through as much.

I’d made that same command to a chick a time or two, and it didn’t feel right in this context.

Again, their talk is becoming increasingly sexual. Maddox likely doesn't realize it, and yet he's the one who's doing that. But does Devon realize it? What does he think?

I resented it for changing my image of him. I never knew he was capable of a laugh that wasn’t condescending.

Again - it seems like Devon has been the primary antagonist between the two of them (likely because he's more aware of his feelings?) - Maddox just goes along but figured that because Devon is mean to him, Devon hates him. He doesn't understand himself and he really doesn't understand others.

Oh, fuck him.

Maddox is so distrustful of Devon that he thinks that even in a weakened state, Devon is trying to do something (obviously he also knows this is impossible, but it's almost instinctual at this point)

The sound of my mom’s voice woke me up enough to listen, but not enough to open my eyes.

This is the first we've heard anything from the mom (aside from the fact that she's an addict and rarely sober) - it sounds like even when she's awake, Maddox is used to her antics and so doesn't react - why else would he ignore this? He should be upset people might even think that.

I didn’t know what this would do to our reputation as enemies, but I’d make sure the rumours were squashed and that we very much still hated each other.

More contrast to Devon in that they want things to stay the same. But whereas Devon wants things to stay the same because he is afraid of change, Maddox seems more confused about why things have to change - he's more worried about what others will think vs. Devon being afraid of what he thinks.

Why had I even taken care of someone who started and ended every day by ruining my life?

We know why - Maddox talks a big game but he can't help himself when it comes to helping people, especially people that he cares about

I needed him to get back to despising me so I could go back to hating him.

This may be the first time (or at least the first time in a long time) when Devon hasn't been cruel to him. We know Maddox is reactive (first chapter) and so it seems like he's more reactive and goes along with the flow, especially compared to Devon who needs to lead the charge.

“Nothing has changed. Nothing will change.”

Although this is technically about Devon, it's also about more than Devon - Maddox doesn't really see how his life can change, and it's almost as if he's accepted that.

“Maybe this is the start of something better for once.”

Xavi seems to be the only one who has some wisdom - he's the one who helps Maddox hope for the best and is likely the one who taught Maddox to be who he is, given what Maddox mentioned earlier in the chapter about how Xavi taught him what to expect from their mother. I'm wondering what this is saying about the relationship between brothers? Obviously we know both Maddox and Devon feel like the only person they can rely on is their brothers.

The only constant thing in my life was my feud with Devon, and to be honest, I’d gotten pretty comfortable in it.

Once again, we see that Maddox doesn't really know what he's talking about. He says he hates Devon, but what he's describing isn't hatred.

Devon was the most stable thing in my life, and I didn’t know how to cope with it changing, so I refused to let it.

We're seeing more similarities between Devon and Maddox, but what's different is how they go about it. Devon doesn't want things to change but does little to stop it, but Maddox is about action.

it! If you hated him so much, you wouldn’t have helped him the past two days. Why’d you do it?”

Exactly

You give a fuck, and that’s okay.”

Xavi really clocking Maddox - this is basically Maddox in a nutshell. He cares but he doesn't want to admit it.

And that’s all I’d ever let it be.

Interesting

“You’re wrong, but even if you are right, be the better person.”

Xavi is constantly thinking of others, and Maddox has picked up on that. Nate and Devon, on the other hand, need to focus more on their own survival and can't really afford to be able to do that because of their terrible father.

Why was I always having to be the better person?

Maddox finally questioning what's going on - he cares about people, and yet in this particular community it seems like a sign of weakness, especially as a man. And yet he is being taken advantage of by numerous people, and he doesn't know how to say no.

My dad took advantage of us, and yet I gave him my winnings from motocross. My mom, although unintentionally, used me, abused my care, and never changed her ways. Yet here I was, providing her a safe place to do that in, stepping up to take care of her, cleaning her up and picking her up from places she shouldn’t be. Devon ragged on me about absolutely everything, yet I helped him get a job on the rigs.

Maddox can't but help, and yet he doesn't understand why this is the case. More proof that he doesn't really truly know himself or who he is. Is this a case of denial or just a lack of self awareness?

I’ve been helping! More than anyone else. Has no one noticed?

This is a fair point - Maddox does care for people and does help, but the only person who notices is his brother (who is also a helper, and likely doesn't understand why Maddox may be bothered by helping somebody else).

The one person who I always relied on to be invincible, powerful, and stronger than anyone I knew was crippled and vulnerable. He was my equal match, and to see him like that hadn’t felt good.

This is interesting insight into Maddox's view of Devon - as it has been eluded to earlier, Maddox relies on Devon. He needs him in his life - as was mentioned, Devon is part of his "normal" - he really doesn't hate Devon, even though he thinks he does - he's reacting to Devon's energy. But the truth is that Maddox needs Devon - and that's why he finds Devon dangerous.