Garron Park (From Nothing, #1)

by Nordika Night

“Tension isn’t all about hate, Madd.”

Xavi is wise

Things went somewhat back to normal.

This is such an interesting opening to the chapter, especially because he follows this up by listing how things have changed completely. That "somewhat" is doing a lot of heavy lifting here.

I wasn’t going to kill my own dad, but I needed a way to get him out of our lives for good.

Yeah this is the whole thing - father/son relationships (not totally sure what it's saying about them) but also something specifically about Devon's dad. But we see the difference between Devon and his father (which of course Devon doesn't realize) - Devon is unwilling to kill his father - but Devon's father literally just tried to kill him and get away with it and didn't even feel bad. THEY ARE NOT THE SAME

Would we even leave Garron, or could we find a way to flip the power switch and take control of our lives if we stayed here?

Saying his life is like a power switch is an interesting metaphor - we know Devon doesn't think his life is worth anything, but this phrasing suggests that he thinks that one day his life may change for the better. But still this is very passive of him - a power switch can't turn itself on. In waiting for someone (or something) to help kick-start his life, Devon is continuing to avoid responsibility - he needs to take control of his life, and yet he doesn't know how.

Why would Maddox break his hand for me?

This is sloppy writing - we shouldn't hear about this through dialogue. This chapter is starting to feel like it's a recap of previous chapters.

Was he even doing it for me, or was my dad just there while he was having a shitty day?

Interesting use of indirect dramatic irony, as it were - we know that Maddox cares about Devon and hates Devon's father (this goes back to the father/son theme topic as well) but we also know that Devon can't comprehend that anybody might care about him, which is why he tries to keep out the world. We know that Maddox cares for Devon and needs him as an equal, but Devon doesn't think he deserves something like that and so believes that Maddox may have just been having a bad day.

“No. I don’t want to fucking think about it.”

In chapter 4 Devon admitted to himself that he was in denial. Here he's opening up to Nate (though opening up needs a boatload of context) - but it's the first time we saw where he's acknowledged (through denial) that he feels something for Maddox.

Everything you do is about one-upping him, pissing him off, or competing with him.

We've already heard this in previous chapters - but it's all about domination.

“You’re always finding ways to be around each other. You claim to hate one another, you piss each other off, and everyone sees it and knows about it, but it’s like you two are addicted to each other. You have to be around him, even if you’re just fucking with him, or you get all moody and twatty.”

Nate's speech recontextualizes what we know about the relationship between Devon and Maddox (though obviously it was obvious in other chapters as well). But in the past, we've heard other people saying that they were rivals who were too focused on one another - but going back after this speech, it actually sounds like most people realize that the two need one another. Nobody (Maddox's mom, Nate and Xavi, even Andrea and possibly even Julie) seems to be surprised that Maddox is helping Devon, and Nate is trying to make Devon realize this.

Because maybe fighting with Maddox was the one thing in life that gave me any confidence. We were good at it, and even if it was an angry thing, it still felt good to be good at something.

This is HUGE - it's the first time Devon has mentioned that he's good at something. He views his conflict with Maddox as a way to feel successful - and this is the only thing that he thinks that he can do right.

“Did you ever stop to think that you’re using this fucked up competitiveness as an excuse? That you feel shit so strongly for him that you don’t know how to cope with it, so you turn it into hate?”

What's interesting is that Devon actually does know this - he's just in denial. Interesting that Nate is almost comparing him to a schoolboy with a schoolyard crush. He's the first person to acknowledge Devon's (somewhat stunted) feelings for Maddox and let him know that it's okay. Devon needs to hear this, and hear that somebody accepts him unconditionally.

“I’m saying that you’ve got a fucking thing for Maddox, and since you don’t know how to process it, you find all these other ways to handle it.”

I mean Nate's not wrong and Devon knows that Nate's not wrong. Interesting that Devon's sexuality is treated really so matter-of-factly.

“Maybe, instead of fucking with him, you should be fucking him!”

Interesting that Devon's sexuality is treated really so matter-of-factly.

It was impossible. There was no reality where my dislike got mixed up with arousal, and there sure as shit wasn’t a chance he’d think the same.

Devon is still in denial, but less denial than before - talking with Nate has helped him admit that he does have feelings for Maddox, but he still doesn't think anything will come of it and he's still unwilling to disrupt the status quo.

He wasn’t even into guys.

To be fair this is actually accurate, based on what we know so far.

Fuck him. Fu...

So first of all this is funny, but second of all I wonder if this is Devon finally accepting his feelings for Maddox? (It could happen!)

It was just another Saturday night at the track.

just another night - drinking to forget

I came in second place today, which felt pretty damn good, but there was still a part of me that was pissed off with myself.

I'm getting the impression that if not for outside pressures, he'd be totally fine with Devon winning - Maddox just wants to compete and have fun - similar to what he says in the opening line of the book.

I bet he didn’t even want her; he just wanted to show me he could do it like the asshole he was.

Maddox doesn't know what he wants, but he knows all about Devon - understands him better than Devon understands Maddox at least

Devon was here somewhere, but I’d been avoiding him like he was a death sentence.

Views Devon as dangerous, but things are shifting - in calling Devon a death sentence he's hinting that Devon can end him - obviously he knows that he won't literally die, but it will end what he knows about himself and that's a problem (because, again, Maddox doesn't understand himself and likely won't know what to do with himself without at least this understanding)

It was different than before. I used to avoid him just because I didn’t want to deal with him, but if we ran into each other, I’d have no problem stepping up. Now, I was avoiding him because I was trying but failing to get back to that mentality.

there's confusion here - he doesn't know how to focus when Devon treats him decently. he knows they're supposed to hate each other and he's struggling to deal with the change in their relationship.

I used to only associate him with anger and hatred, maybe a bit of jealousy and envy, but never this. Never confusion.

With the shifting dynamic, he doesn't understand what's going on - yeah, he feels adrift, but there's more than that - his whole world has been upended by Devon's shift in understanding and subsequent denial

Our dads pitted us against one another, brought us into their bullshit, drew the lines in the sand, and that was that. We fell into that hatred pretty easily and without much coercion.

So their fathers are the ones who caused their falling out - again, more evidence for the father/son relationship piece, but what is this saying about falling under the influence of others? There's a lot of outside pressure from external forces - the fathers pit them against each other and destroyed the relationship, but the brothers are pushing them to repair the relationship and become friends (Nate is even suggesting more to Devon) There's something there, but what is it? Letting others meddle in your relationship isn't all bad, but it's not all good, either. Does it have to do with blindly following others, as with their dads? Obviously they're wary about listening to their brothers... something about listening to advice and making your own decision vs blind obedience?

Now, after one fucked up situation, seeing him all vulnerable and afraid, sharing a bed with him, and seeing his boner, I was…what? Thinking about it? Thinking about his body? Thinking about why he never actually hooked up with the girls he stole from me?

We know that Maddox isn't necessarily a deep thinker, but when he does stew in his thoughts, he's able at least start making some astute observations - can he put it together though? Or is all of this thinking making him question himself and not just Devon?

I wasn’t drinking for fun—I was drinking to settle the whirlwind of thoughts in my head, and as much as I hated to admit it, I was one wrong move from joining my mom in her wine dependency.

Devon is afraid that he's like his dad, but Maddox recognizes and tries to correct the bad decisions that could turn him into his mom - there's more awareness there. Maddox isn't in denial, he's just not sure who he is, but there's no issues with his self esteem. A clear distinction between the two characters.

I didn’t know what I was doing or why, but some tether inside me snapped.

We know Maddox is quick to anger - now he's angry finding out about Devon and takes it out on the other guy - homophobia?

I closed the distance between me and them and punched this guy right in his smug fucking face.

Nothing the guy said was smug - Maddox just didn't like what he heard

“He’s gay bashing!”

hahahahaha Maddox was not listening. He heard the word gay and assumed the worst? This is one of the weakest excuses ever

No idea what he said, but I hadn’t liked the vibe of it, so I acted first and planned to ask questions after.

Yeah, Maddox acts without thinking, as always. He didn't like the vibe and found an excuse to act. It's almost like he relies on his fists to keep him from having to think.

I recognized him, which made me hate him even more.

Recognized how? Who is he?

Probably because I was fishing for confirmation that Devon was…bi or something.

This is a different kind of anger than before - more out of confusion than obligation. He thought he knew all there was to know about Devon but now he's finding out there's more to him.

My blood tasted bitter in my mouth, but it had nothing on the bitterness in my heart.

This is the first time we're seeing Maddox feel shame - he knows he stuffed up and he also can't handle this new information. It's changed his world view almost.

My body got hot, my head was more confused than ever, and Devon’s damn chest panted with laboured breaths against mine. I leaned in, trying to hypnotize him into taking that bait. Tell me! Tell me if you’re gay!

More of that homoeroticism that is part of the underlying foundation of all of their interactions, but suddenly Maddox is realizing it - he never has before

I wanted it to be my business.

Maddox has always seen Devon as part of his life, but he's only now realizing it - and that comes with admitting to himself how he wants Devon to be in his life.

Devon’s eyes widened in shock. “Oh,” he half-laughed like a cocky idiot. “So, you’re jealous of that guy?”

We know Devon never thought this could happen, so he likely is in shock. But Maddox always assumes the worst because of history, and thinks Devon is mocking him. There's definitely a lesson in there - don't antagonize people that you're into - they won't believe you (or trust you) when you finally want to be honest

Honestly, it felt good. I knocked him down and pinned him beneath me, hitting him in the side where I knew he was still healing. When he bucked his hips, he threw me off and gained top position. He hooked his legs around mine, pinning me down with his body, and locking me in place.

This whole fight is sexual - it's almost like fighting has allowed them to become physically close in a socially acceptable way, but really it's been foreplay all along (and not that far under the hood, seeing as how most people recognize this)

I just confessed a roundabout secret to him, and he threw it in my face like the asshole he’s always been.

Humiliation - Maddox acts on emotion and getting violent allows him to not have to think and live in his emotions where he's more comfortable

I wanted to pause time and never leave this fucked up moment.

If nothing else, he's not afraid of change, and he finds this exciting - he's just confused

“I don’t know what I want,” I admitted.

Finally some self awareness!

I looked at his eyes, his lips, his eyes, his mouth again.

This is so similar to the first chapter, where he notices Devon's physical characteristics - only now he's noticing completely different parts.

“Your body is allowed to feel something your heart doesn’t,” he said like some bullshit philosopher.

Yeah this is bullshit, but the body keeps score.

For the third time, he grabbed my throat, slammed my back into the tree, and crushed his mouth to mine.

Three times - a powerful number. There's something interesting about this taking place outside in nature - away from society they can begin to accept themselves and their true feelings. Go into the woods and find out what you need, not necessarily what you want. As always, the forest shows us things that we don't always want to admit to ourselves.

It was this life-altering experience because, not only did it feel incredible, but it was entirely foreign and new.

Maddox has always been seeking out new things - so of course he's willing to accept new things. This isn't quite true for Devon, who avoids new things.

I’d always known there’d been tension between us, but I never knew how fierce it was until he called my bluff and kissed me, creating the explosion that opened the portal to this new world.

Maddox needs people to point things out to him - he won't realize the truth on his own because he doesn't really reflect. Yet once he's aware he's able to easily accept new parts and facets of himself.

I knew this new world was going to eat me alive; Devon was going to swallow me and trap me, and I wasn’t sure I was ready for that.

He still sees Devon as dangerous, but in a new way - he's not worried about "dying" but about being trapped within Devon - it's more danger that Maddox's feelings could get hurt than physical danger (and humiliation) as it has always been before.

I’d never been with a guy before, and the logistics of it were overwhelming my sense of pleasure.

Haha, he finally starts thinking and he suddenly starts panicking.

Especially when it came out of nowhere.

It never came out of nowhere, Maddox just never realized it.

He got my drift.

They've always understood each other, but now they know that they understand each other.

I’d never had to think about it before.

Maddox has been able to drift through life without thinking - now that he's started, and begun realizing things about himself, and he's starting to panic/overthink.

It wasn’t even about Devon being a guy. It was about him being my rival, my enemy, and the source of most of the bad shit in my life.

None of this is true - Maddox has gotten very good at lying to himself