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When my hips started moving on their own, following that pattern, I breathed harder.
He's giving up control and listening to his body - and it's bringing him greater pleasure
I looked down at him, so close to losing control. His eyes were clear and open, not at all ashamed. “I’m not afraid of this. Stop being afraid for me.”
He so easily slips back into caretaker mode - he needs to know that he doesn't have to be in that mindset to relax
Pleasure wasn’t just running through me, it was being forced into every dark nook and cranny of my soul, damn near rendering me stupid.
By letting go he's able to feel true pleasure - and not just physically, but emotionally and almost spiritually as well
The kiss started out exploratory, but as soon as I got a taste of him mixed with the taste of me, I got amped. Energy rushed back into my body, and I lifted onto my knees, pushing my chest against his, licking his lips like it’d get me drunker than the whiskey.
"They eat life. Sperm!" - Crossing this line and accepting himself has got him feeling more alive and energetic than most anything else
I needed more of him, us mixed together, the taste of desperation and the burst of flavour that came with something new and exciting—something different from mundane and normal.
Yeah, he craves newness! Devon is afraid of it - future complication?
this hum of life it gave me buzzed in my blood, replacing my usual anger.
Semen as life - can replace anger with... joy? If it works on a symbolic level that's hilarious.
Even though the type of tension had changed for tonight, it was still a competition, and I was already amped to eleven.
We see that the two of them need to be challenged at this point. It's a good starting point, but what happens next? They need to figure out who they are to one another when they're not at odds.
“So that I can be better at it than you.”
Using competition as a way to mask vulnerability.
After a minute, it was easy to tell what he liked and didn’t like based on how he breathed against my lips, held his breath, or let out sounds that were trying not to be moans.
Because Maddox is so in tune with Devon and good at paying attention to people, he's able to quickly ascertain what Devon needs - Devon is not aware of others and needed additional time to figure it out
Never had him beg me before, and I could definitely get used to it.
feels like he's winning
High-tension situations seemed to be our forte, but these bullshit chill moments weren’t really our strong suit. Maybe it just took practice.
Next place the book goes - can they learn to enjoy being together when not in constant competition? They're more alike than they think so it should be possible, but there will be complications - because of the flaws that they can recognize in reach other but not in themselves
But holy shit! I got my dick sucked by Devon Sawyer and came in his mouth! Won’t ever forget that, no matter how this thing turned out.
Joy, gratitude, elation... getting something he didn't know he wanted. The relationship is changing and he's excited, but who knows where it goes next? For him, that's the fun part.
I found myself looking back at the cabin fondly.
The woods, an isolated and abandoned cabin - they will need to go forth into the light or this will die.
I could hate him and want to fuck him in unison.
These are complicated feelings, and again - more passionate than not. Thin line between love and hate.
“Talking ain’t our strong suit,”
They're so used to actions - but a lot of misunderstanding and happened because they avoided the difficult work of talking. Kind of a trite message though.
Mary had set her up with some art supplies, which was kind as hell because Mom loved to draw.
We see a lot of small kindnesses here - obviously Maddox, but also Andrea and now Mary - this place isn't all bad, but it's down to a lot of systemic poverty and also a comment on the failures of the father figures in their life - for both Maddox and Devon, their primary motivation for leaving is to escape their fathers.
You can’t pressure someone to act on an impulse that’s completely new to them.
That's a good point - forcing him before he's ready is like pulling the caterpillar out of the cocoon before it's a butterfly and instead it's just like a worm with flippers
“At least I’m used to the fact that I’m attracted to guys. Madd isn’t.”
This is a stunningly carefree way to discuss queer sexualities, especially when there's a bunch of other prejudices floating around. It doesn't feel totally real
“Do you like him, Devon, or are you just thinking with your dick?”
Showing some of Nate's selfishness.
“And you know what?” he went on. “He looks at you like that, too.”
if there's one thing that they are, it's obvious
I thought I’d be able to sleep and shut off my head, but here we were, on the damn path to the beach.
his motivation is to stop overthinking - he goes to an anxious place, so he does whatever he can to avoid it - but if he wants to make this thing work with Devon he's going to need to learn how to think without spiraling
It’s not like I had any sort of claim on him, but shit, why did it hurt that he was already with someone else? My mind had been on him all day, but it seemed he didn’t suffer the same thoughts. He moved on like none of it had ever happened.
Communication is good actually. Still trite.
Devon got what he wanted from me, which was a victory he’d forever hold over me.
His default is to think that Devon was using him in order to declare victory - this is his default assumption and again, it comes from being over analytical.
Internally, I panicked, but outwardly, I stood there like I had a backbone.
He is learning to project that confident air - but he's able to do so because he doesn't see Jeans Guy as an equal - he dislikes him because of how close he is to Devon and so it's not so much a backbone as it is pettiness and anger.
The muffled silence of being underwater was freeing. My mind stopped spinning, the confusion that filled my body gave me a break, and the flushed feeling I’d had all day finally cooled.
Water as a way to wash away the bad things - every time they swim (or the one time that Maddox helped Devon shower) there is a new understanding of themselves that comes with it.
I took my time swimming out to the floating platform someone had put there when we were kids.
It is probably not a coincidence that their big talk will come on an isolated platform in the dark surrounded by water - they're away from society, they have to go through water to get there, and they are literally in the dark - but this time it's not because their eyes are closed. This is a symbolic scene; I hope it lives up to what needs to happen.
It occurred to me that I’d always needed to prepare for Devon.
One of Maddox's new understandings of himself (while swimming)
his bare chest glistened under the moonlight,
so there is light - moonlight. the moon is a symbol of change. I hope for big things from this conversation, because everything here foreshadows a change (and a cleansing) coming.
I submerged underwater to tune him out.
using the water to avoid falling into the same traps as before
“This changes nothing, Madd. I’m not easing off for you, and you better not ease up for me.”
Coming to an understanding - and even though Devon says things aren't changing... they clearly are. This is the most they've talked about life ever and it's not even totally angry the whole time.
“Yeah, but…are you ashamed of this?”
This is the talk that they needed. They have opened up and been vulnerable and now they are coming to a deeper understanding than before.
“Do you do the fucking or you get fucked?” I looked right at him, unwilling to shy away.
Maybe not the deepest, but again, this is a concern that has been plaguing Maddox for a few chapters now. He needs to know and come to peace with the thing that has been most overwhelming for him.
“I thought you were struggling with the gay thing. Or bi, whatever you are. I’ve at least had years to come to terms with that part.” He looked at me, a bit shyly for the first time. “I was trying to give you time to process it.”
Misunderstandings are washed away. We also see Devon being caring about another person, which again is new.
He dove into the water and left me in the moonlight.
So this was more or less what I wanted and also what made most sense at this point in the book. They've come to this place and developed a new understanding. Things have changed, not completely, but they're able to talk about important things and clear up misunderstandings. Maddox is shown to be more open to change throughout, which is symbolized by him remaining, alone, in the moonlight at the end of the chapter.Devon leaving the moonlight is also not a surprise - he's the one who is afraid of change, which is also why he was the one to be least willing to embrace change and he even briefly reverted to who he was before. But again, there's at least a respect and caring for Maddox that he hadn't been willing to voice before. In order for this to be successful, they'll need to leave isolated places behind and go into the light, Devon will need to embrace change, and Maddox will need to learn to stop being so over analytical. There's also the thread of fathers and the need for escape to deal with as well.
My dad was going to kill me at the entrance to Garron Park over the thirty-six dollars I had to my name.
Fathers take and take and take - especially his.
My life was going to end without any kind of hope or future, and everything that I’d lived through would be for nothing. I’d never get free. I’d never get what I wanted, what I strived for, what I wanted to believe I deserved. None of it was going to come true. I’d never see the rest of the country, the world, or the other ocean. I wouldn’t get to do something that made me proud, and I’d never get to feel hope for a measly future that might have happened with Maddox.
As he's dying, Devon is suddenly getting a lot of clarity about what he wants in life - it's almost like once he knows he'll never be his dad, he can suddenly stop worrying (obviously he'll relapse once this is over, but it's good to know that there are things he wants, even if he doesn't think that he'll ever get them)
the death that had been coming for me since the moment I started breathing.
This says a lot - about his esteem, yes, but also the deeper thematic messages regarding fathers and sons, abuse, and the continuing violence.
The tone of his voice was ice cold, demonic, dangerous, and etched with something that told me he wasn’t making idle threats.
Maddox is the caretaker, yes, but that doesn't mean he's nice - caring for Devon means taking care of Devon's father (potentially)
“What is this shit?” Dad asked, crazed. “You work together now?”
He's the first person not to have an understanding of their relationship - like Devon said, he sees his sons as his own personal piggy bank, not as humans, and so of course he only has a surface level understanding of them
Maddox literally growled.
Maddox as a guard dog - fiercely loyal to the one he protects
Truthfully, the worst outcome would be Maddox going to prison, not my dad dying.
If Maddox goes to prison they won't be able to see each other, and even before the shift in their relationship, they spent time looking for one another
That wasn’t the kind of love we’d have.
What kind of love will they have? I get that he doesn't want a protector, but what exactly does he want?
Maddox looked one wrong move away from losing himself entirely.
The first time we're seeing this happen from somebody else's perspective.
He went dark. Completely shut off. No humanity, morals, and no fucking shame about it.
The wildness is coming through - he's been pushed too far to protect others. He needs somebody to care for him
“The same shit as always happened.”
They grew up around violence, so violence has become normal.
“I won’t let you fuck up your life because of me, Kane. He’s my problem. My dad. I’ll handle him.”
Devon once again feels like he's holding people back
“Just…don’t try to take him on by yourself, okay? I know you’re a tough bastard, but don’t.”
Maddox realizing that they're stronger together - they've both been so used to being isolated with no real support but they're realizing they need one another and have the whole time.
Devon got into me. He flashed before my goddamn eyes and made me realize I hadn’t gotten the chance to even really get to know him yet. Not the way I wanted to.
after the dock, Maddox's perspectives and focuses have changed. he wants more and losing Devon now hits a lot harder than it did before
This was weirdly comfortable. We were just sitting in my bed, touching and trying to flirt with our bodies, talking about shit without fighting about it.
It does come back to the physical - that's been a constant thread from the beginning. Even the first real conversation they had was with their eyes. Now they're adding actual words, but they still need that physical anchor of one another's bodies. the body keeps score - it's like the body knows more than it should. always listen to your body?
Yeah, he was Devon’s dad, but he didn’t have to take him on alone. I’d warned him not to go at it alone a few times now, so he better be smart enough to listen.
Acknowledging that if they're coming together, they need to support one another. One of the reasons they've felt so untethered and undeserving is because they had nobody to help pull them out of their funks. It's not a surprise that Maddox is the one who realizes they need to come together through collective action (going back to the authoritarian metaphor, they need to stand up for one another and support each other - by sticking up for the most vulnerable, they'll finally escape the tyranny of their fathers)
