Pam’s Comments (group member since Dec 29, 2016)

Pam’s comments from the Our Shared Shelf group.

High powered abusers are being fired.

Recently: Bill O'Reilly. And now Harvey Weinstein from Miramax/ Weinstein company.

https://www.newyorker.com/news/news-d...

In another article, Gwenth Paltrow who was also confronted by Weinstein, adds “We’re at a point in time when women need to send a clear message that this is over,” Ms. Paltrow said. “This way of treating women ends now.”

Nurullah Enes wrote: "My order has arrived today. I look forward to reading this book that Emma suggested. This is two photos from me"

Awww. Another reader in the family! Congratulations!

http://www.cnn.com/2017/10/05/health/...

Equality?

The Diary of a Rapist: A Novel
Inexcusable

1 in 6 women have experienced rape or sexual abuse in their life times. Given the nature of Roxane Gay's book, we can see how important it is to seek additional resources while moving from surviving to thriving.

Does anyone have any books they have read that have been helpful, motivating, or especially considerate? Any resources that we can pool for others?

Finish Line Feeling Liz Ferro has created a US wide non profit to help inspire young girls who were victims of sexual violence to take back control of their bodies by introducing and training them in running.

Roxane, thank you. Thank you for putting into words some of the coping mechanisms a victim/survivor juggles. It's a hard enough secret to share, but another one completely to try to explain why things are this way. Any fanciful descriptions I can come up with that spares loved ones the pain of reality also falls short of how ingrained and addicting these habits can be. I read your memoir crying but nodding along, that I wasn't crazy for doing these exact things. Thank you for forgiving yourself, thank you for offering space to also forgive myself.

You mention flash backs, panic attacks, hyperawareness, etc. but I don't recall you actively stating that you had or didn't have PTSD or C-PTSD. As this is normally reserved for our service men and women, I'm curious if you have received external push back or have internal reservations about claiming this diagnosis?

Also, what is your favorite Barefoot Contessa recipe to cook?

Thank you very, very much. See you around Goodreads!

So it seems to me that as more of rape culture is exposed in our real lives the more it is glorified by our entertainment, too. That if you have a female with a POV in a drama, it is a rule that she must be raped or endure some form of abuse at some point in her narrative (Mad Men, Private Practice, Game of Thrones, Girl on a Train, Me Before You) (though this is not to say at all that rape only happens to women) Equally though, is that if these women survive their attack, then they are either given latitudes to seek vengeance which leads to a “case closed” or the repercussions are glossed over. In both instances, the trauma ends before the epilogue or next episode.* (Save for Jessica Jones, if you have not watched it, please do, it hits all the right notes).

But for the statistically 1 in 6 women who are raped in real life (or the even higher rate of 1 in 3 if you are a woman of color) the narrative does not end. For every minute you live, you will remember and be marked by that violence.

I am appreciative that Roxane has shared her truth. All of it. The pain, the anger, the stubbornness, the fool hardy, the effects, the mind games, the shame, the fears, the societal currency. How her family reacted, how she coped with it - limping along for so long. How desired security can also become a prison. How trying to fade into the background meant also sticking out. How rape can be covered up with baggy clothing, but obesity is a public shame - compounding the pre existing pain. The contradictory logic. The weight of family. All of how this act of violence has shaped her life and body.

I'm also umm.. thankful?.. that she has also dived into life as a woman, as a black woman, and as a queer woman. My heart goes out to Roxane, but also to her partners; at least the ones who treated her well. I'm curious how the lesbian population swelled (or still does) from female victims escaping male rapists.

That's really cool everyone.

Meelie wrote: "Both my books (BF and Hunger) have finally come through, I'll try and plow through both now at the same time, haha!

Yay!

The first woman appointed to be a law lord, in 2004, Hale had to wait until this week for a second woman to join her on the UK’s highest court.

“It’s a particular pleasure for me,” Hale declared, “to welcome at long last another woman member the court. I hope it won’t take another 13 years before we have a third, fourth and fifth member of this court.

Excellent news!

https://www.nbcnews.com/storyline/las...

Thoughts and prayers for those harmed in this senseless act of violence.

Does it need to be a dictomoy? This OR that?

https://www.google.com/amp/www.theroo...

Did any OSS members go to yesterday's March for Black Women march or any of the sister marches?

According to the HRC, 22 transgender murders were reported in all of 2016. Twenty one deaths in September means the number this year will probably surpass last year's count. The biggest number of murders are coming out of the trans women of color community.

That poor boy and his family. And to all those who follow

:) I appreciate all of your kind words.

However you are all years late. I have family members who haven't spoken to me bc I have chosen a different path and have been less than tactful with calling things out. Because I voiced my truth against their truth.

I am still a feminist. I still am a prolific protestor. I'm still in an all male industry working to help show the women can do it to. And more.

But that doesn't mean it doesn't tear at my soul to watch my mother cry because of fights I've picked. That doesn't mean it doesn't kill me to have to hear things about my nieces second hand bc of the consequences of those choices.

We can call things out to our hearts content. But go in creating a dialogue seeking clarity. Not a debate that has a winner and a loser.

Agree to disagree then.

My family means more to me.

Another:
Patricia Wredes:
Dealing with Dragons
The princess doesn't conform to current standards. She loves to learn, loves to fence, loves to bake, and loves to read. So instead of being wedded off to knights or princes, she runs away from home and becomes a librarian.

@Stella: That's awesome. Great idea!

Benarji wrote: "It just breaks my heart to learn that she had to undergo the traumatic experience on her own.."

So that is something of the crux of the issue.

Victims tend not to report their abuse to family, friends, or authority members.
1) Commonly, the abuser or rapist is someone the victim knows. This is a violation of trust and safety so severe that victims often do not know who else or what else will hurt them. It becomes logical to the victim that if 1 person who was trusted could do this, than anyone who was trusted could as well. This does not mean they think everyone will rape them, but rather, that anyone could hurt them.

2) Commonly the abuse or rapist is someone the victim knows. (Emphasis) And therefore the victim had history with them. History which means that either someone told them that they don't like them or something was off, which the victim would have defended. History which means that someone could have said how amazing the pre-abuser is. To which the victim would be proud to be with them. Somehow, someway, the pre-victim is emotionally connected to them in a complex myraid way. After the abuse or rape then comes the mind trying to understand how it could happen. This is normally guilt. The victim undergoes mental gymnastics trying to understand what happened and to assign fault. And more times than not the fault resides with themselves. Guilt for not seeing it earlier. Guilt for defending the perp earlier. How could they be so stupid? Guilt for being with them after being warned. Guilt for not being good enough that forced the abuser to do this. Guilt for not doing it correctly. Guilt for feeling guilty. Etc.

3) Commonly the abuse or rapist is someone the victim knows. (More emphasis) Which means, that after the act, they still are around them. In the case of Gray, she had to go to school with her attackers. And that leaves more power with the abuser. They can lord it over the person. Making the victim feel that much more powerless. Or they can ignore it completely, disregarding all of the emotional trauma that the victim is undergoing making it 10x more painful as there is no outlet - no one to blame, to hate, as the abuser is not emotionally invested themselves. The power resides wholly with the attacker - they control the narrative.

So you have someone who is isolated, hurt, untrusting. And all they want to do is get back to normal. So are they going to reveal themselves to expose a weakness? Are they going to allow people to stare at them in sympathy or worse - accusation? No. Instead, most tend to keep their heads down and try so desperately to pretend it never happened while consciously/unconsciously avoiding anything that puts them back into that unsafe place again.

If you don't talk to that person again, you're safe
If you don't walk through that area, you're safe
If you shun skimpy clothes, you're safe
If you eat and become less desirable, you're safe.

Because the victim still refuses to believe they didn't do anything wrong. Something went wrong. But they can make sure that a repeat doesn't occur again by changing everything they can control - which is themselves and their actions. Control was taken, therefore victims do everything they can to gain control back.

Ross wrote: "Pam where behavior needs correcting maybe a little blame is required, sexism is not a faux pas it is a social injustice."

Maybe if you don't have anything to lose.

Because in the end Alyssa or anyone who confronts family members will be faced with that relationship being strained. It's easy to confront anonymous people on the internet or strangers on the street. But quite a different feeling when you have to see that person regularly.

So be cautious when discussing this with family members. If you come in with blame on your lips how are your loved ones likely to respond? Will they thank you for pointing it out or will they become affronted? Will they think about their actions or will they blow you off as being a feminazi? Will your actions correct their behavior or help them become even more ingrained in the opposite?

This is why it is so difficult for me to offer specific advice to Alyssa or anyone. We don't know the tone of the conversation.
We don't know the history of these situations. We don't know the relationship between father and daughter - is it secure or is it already tense? Does she still live with her parents and thus have to see them day in a day out?