Paula’s Comments (group member since Oct 28, 2015)

Paula’s comments from the Science Fiction Microstory Contest group.

This one was . . . very moving to read, too.
Greg wrote: "Thanks for the feedback.

The telepathy/empathy was a quick way to give the dragons a voice without using up too many words.

This one was fun to write. I didn't know where it was going until it w..."

Thanks, John. Yes, that's the sort of thing I had in mind; thanks for catching it. And yes, I've a bad habit of not describing my lead character(s) enough. Nice critique!
John wrote: "Critiques for Fade on Waltz and Drums: A Revisioned History of Bkat'kins' End by Paula Friedman

Your idea is interesting and original. I thought of a futuristic Broadway or Hollywood pitch story. ..."

Interesting, Tom! (Sorry--I hadn't seen this post until now; thanks for clarifying.)
Tom wrote: "Paula wrote: "Tom Olbert wrote,, re Carrie's story, ". . . why human civilization failed, or at least why the ship's crew ended up coming full circle back to a dead Earth. I recall something like t..."

And yours was superb, too, Kalifer!
Kalifer wrote: "Finally suck my head up out of my hole-in-the-ground. I see Greg save the best for last before the bell rang. Good story! Congratulations."

Good story, Greg--a winner anywhere. Well written and involving.

Fine and moving story, Greg. The telepathic/empathetic connection's a stand-out!
Briefly, I was confused by the paragraph beginning "The choices were stark: If the scientists did nothing the entire population would be extinct within a few years. They could not keep the two isolated for long. . . ," but this cleared up once I was sure the tale took place on the dragons' planet rather than on Earth; I mention this since you might put a clearer indication of location at the story's beginning--in particular, hint at where the observer is.
Really a super tale.

I did a couple of tiny edits to my story, hoping it now is clear that the speakers are planning a vid about a legend from Corteix III (and V) history. Those of you who've been in this group awhile may remember I've set a few stories on (or with characters from) the planets of the Ar-Corteix system.

And nicely done it is, Kalifer. Very cool, succinct, and effective
Kalifer wrote: "I wrote my story two weeks ago but then forgot to post. It's now finally up, "I Hate Dragons."

When Cris specified that the story had to contain dragons, my first thought was 'I hate dragons. How ..."

Didn't think I'd have time, this month, to post a story, but this one came while doing keyboard exercises and started writing itself for awhile.
Made a few edits so should be clear.

Fade on Waltz and Drums: A Revisioned History of Bkat'kins' End
Copyright © 2016 by Paula Friedman

--Well, there you have it, Freddie. Consider what’s the screenplay, then—

--She’s out on the plains?

--Well yeah of course, red plains of Corteix V—Corteix Five, y’know, whose techno-pirate caste of slavers ravaged Corteiz III’s Earth colonists for years to—

--Yeah yeah, Bob, we’ve all heard that. Know it, heart and soul.

--Well, so there you have it. What a vid-plan, d’you see? Gonna go over terrific. Think what audiences out on--

--Yeah? But if you’re gonna vid it, you gotta BE her. Gotta have been terrified—what was gonna happen to her? Slavers gonna kill her? Corteix V primi-tribes gonna rape her? Feed her to their dragons? Gotta fill in that, Bob.

--Oh, it’s there. But in the music mostly, her background song—memories from before her capture by the Corteiz V Techno-pirates. Played as single notes, waltz-time, something a little corny and nostalgic, with the right hand—so we see her, flashbacked, at her mama’s piano, there in their Earth-descendents' home on Corteix III, a lawn outside. And, played with the left hand, in staggered discord, the Bkat’bins’ drumming dance.

--The Bkat’bins?

--All around her in vid realtime, Freddie. Camped on a reddish rocky plain of Corteix V where she sits shucking the Bkat-bins' wide-seed food-grain, chatting with their females, ‘cause by now, you see, she’s one of them. There under V’s three moons--red, yellow, green. And they’re drumming their songs, and she’s at home there now, been Earth-years since her Techno-captors brought her from III to sell to Bkat'bins, and she's long at home in this captive life yet yearning also for that earlier home. The music sings her conflict, okay?

--Yeah, 'k.

--But, see, she’s lived out on the plains of V so long it’s normal to help “Auntie” Jinna with the shucking of the grain, aid the young male Edli with the laving of the Feed-Beasts’ wool, and every morning morning lead the tribe’s dragonettes the three-mile trek up Tower Mountain to the flaming cone to feed them, playing with these dragon younglings so they learn, young, to trust their Bkat’bin masters (to them she seems a Bkat’bin).

---Wait. Wait a minute. A captive, Bob, trusted with their baby dragons?

--Well, yes. You’ve read all the “Captured by Bkat’bins on Corteix V!” “Raped by Beasties in Human Shape!”, all that, but guess what? Bkat’bins treated child-captives just fine. Loved them, actually. “Feisty like wee dragonettes,” as famed Bkat’bin lyricist Barta wrote. But skip this, Freddie, okay? Lemme just tell you what happens, see if you think it’ll fly?

--‘k.

--Well, so, here goes. Remember Edli? The young male Bkat’bin laving the Feed-Beasts? Well, Edli keeps watching this pretty, delicate Corteix III chick and he’s, like, wow! that’s for me, my wife! And—waltz nostalgia music or no, Melinnissa’s growing up on those plains and when those moons shine in the sky and dance-drum music throbs, well! Well! So yeah.

---Yeah? Yeah, that didn’t take long, did it? I just wonder—

---Freddie, the audience’ll love it. Just imagine brave young Bkat’kin and Melinnissa silhouetted by a bluff, dawn all around them, dragons drifting in the middle distance over the plain . . . Nostalgic as fuck, y’know?

---Yeah. Yeah, I see that. You carrying it the whole way?

---You mean to where M sees the ship come, carrying Earth folk new to the Corteix system? And runs to greet them? Her bare feet racing, in the music of her memory. And meets Deneen, “most beautiful a being as I’d ever seen.” Yeah. Yeah, I show it all and then when she goes back to the Bkat’bin--her people now. And the dragonettes she loves, as Bkat’bin do. And Edli.

--You show . . . ?

--Yeah. All of it. Her joyful return to Edli, unknowingly carrying the plague--Hronin-B's lethal N2 plague--brought by the Earthship folk to seed the Bkat’bins’ dragonettes, dragons, and through them the Bkat’bin themselves. The ship’s crew self-congratulating on how Deneen “sucked her in.”

---Bob! it’ll sell!

-- Audiences won’t like seeing Deneen walk away, though, stumbling across the emptied plain, trekking for years to find the grieving Melinissa.

---Yeah, a bit much.

---But wait, Freddie. “I was no part of it,” Deneen says. “I did not know. I loved you.”

--Yeah? And she says? “I loved you too”? For the ambiguity?

---A world is dead; their love must be, too. Fade on waltz and drums.

[749 words]

Thanks, Tom. Yes, I guess there were many of these. In fact. :)

Ah! Yes, J.F.. I like the characters very much--can see a novella or long story from it, actually. And if those microbes' conditions are what you seem to imply, one can imagine a "recovery" scenerio, even, etc.
And, on rereading, I see more clearly the metaphorical use of Wigham, in fact.J.F. wrote: "Paula,
Thank you very much for the review. It is much appreciated. Regarding Wigham's role, I'm afraid it's metaphorical. The requirements that Chris laid out inspired a musing on the distinction b..."

J.F., an excellently written story, as ever. I'm afraid I'm lost--perhaps didn't read carefully enough, but. . .--as to what good moving north/to Canada was thought to do; perhaps we need to know a tiny bit more of how . . .purificans worked, or what conditions it would need? Also, Wighem is quite cute, but his role in the tale is a bit unclear to me.
But it's terrifying, even so. I'm reminded a bit of "The Watchbird."

Tom Olbert wrote,, re Carrie's story, ". . . why human civilization failed, or at least why the ship's crew ended up coming full circle back to a dead Earth. I recall something like that being done in a sci-fi short story in the 1950's, and the "aha" at the end"---well, don't stop there, Tom! What was the name of the story? Where/who/what magazine?!

Also the very old (1950s?) SF story, which I read years ago in comicbook form, about the people exploring an E2 type planet, being rushed upon by green-moldy-looking humanoids, whom they shoot and kill, then going back into the rocket to warn Earth but finding their electronics/communications wiring has all been attacked by green mold--so they can't lift-off either--and, not long after, seeing the first green mold on one of them--and then . . . . Heavy comics for a child to read, but a fine plot for inclusion. Very solid job, Carrie.

Tom--tales that start in a spaceship cabin in battle aren't my favorite sort of story usually, but you've created an exception. The tale of the war-weary commander longing for peace, his empathy toward the frightened, alien-to-him young woman--a care for her that we feel with him--and his sacrifice, even as he longs to save the "enemy" entities, is enuinely moving. It is a story that could become a classic. Wonderful characters-building and admirable work, Tom.

Congratulations, Chris.
And to Jon, too, for a fine story.

Jot--re your last sentence in responding to Tom's critique--what sometimes works is to show a character doing something empathetic or caring toward another character. And, re your story generally, nicely paced tale.
Jack--what can I say? I usually like your work a great deal. This one. . . the humor didn't quite work well for me. Not sure why, maybe too much revealed too soon?
Greg--what an excellently written story! I wish it hadn't followed the HG Wells and Bradbury so much, though.

John--Response to your critique of my story Dem Bones.
I am intrigued. "A little choppy" in what sense/how? An example or two? Not asking this snidely; I'm interested to explore what you meant, and in what way "that might limit you with certain stories"? Thanks.
Dean--I'm glad folks like your story. It's a good one. Basically. I don't have time tonight/today to go over it to find examples but I recall noting, especially (if I recall correctly) toward the end, that it definitely needs some minor edits--for copy errors or minor points of pacing or the like. You may want to do that before the contest ends.

Tom, your critiquing is fine, refreshing.