Paula’s Comments (group member since Oct 28, 2015)

Paula’s comments from the Science Fiction Microstory Contest group.

Thanks, Carrie, for the critique though I'd not asked for any. Appreciated.
Delighted you liked the hawk-beak.
The phrases like "all innumerables" and "in indubitable clarity" were written as part of "voice"; perfectly sensible of Joe Reader to skip words.
Glad you like Dena Soba; I like her too. And she "sees" what the others can't, which was fun.
Thanks.

In fact, Jon and Heather, since this contest/group began, 3 or 4 years ago, folks have sometimes edited their piece/s during the voting month; obviously, not everyone will have read the final most well-edited presumably (though not always) best version, that way, but hey . . .
Then, the critique thread was originally intended, I believe, so that critiques re the current month's pieces would not act as spoilers (or potential biasers) for, at least, those not reading the critiques thread (but wanting to read other types of comments), and those not wanting critiques of their pieces can opt out of such critiques.
This seems sufficiently complex and, one would hope, sufficient, yes? lol.

Thank you very much, C.---and Justin and Heather. Very much appreciated.
Jon, yes---in fact, that was a main impetus for people developing the critiques thread.

Sorry for the delayed reply, Heather. Yes, good changes; these work well.Heather wrote: "Paula, I changed the first paragraph and the one starting with "As a mechanic I had of course been hovering protectively ..." as well as the second last paragraph in order to make it a bit clearer ..."

Nice tale, Jon. Old-fashioned shivers. Well done.

Justin, how thoughtful and kind of you! And remember that many of us very much respect your abilities with those wonderful "traditional" stories you write. . .

Posted mine and edited it.

Dem Bones
Copyright 2016 by Paula Friedman

“Oh yes, my hands have always been considered particularly beautiful.” The leader of Dem Bones articulated her words with utmost clarity.

“And in these lands of Nada . . . ”

“Indeed. In OURLAND,” she amended, truly elegantly. So elegantly I, though of Earth, easily "got" her message.

*
So went Dena Soba’s report. 19:35 earth3Sol =\2205wnc_alpha(senddate) DenatoSol-art.

*
I shrugged, glanced at Willi. Didn’t matter what ol' Dena Soba claimed.

Willi--Third-Major Wilpert--swinging his metaphoric ball and (all-too-actual) chain while spinning through Fleet Tri-X-16’s cabin, shouted, “Listen up, guys, listen, hear what that there Soba’s fuckin’ sayin’. . . ,” all that crap, but, dodging artfully and grabbing past the chain to pull old Wilpert to a fast stop, “Damnya, Willi boy," I cried, "there no BONES out there, certainly not Dem talkin’ bones. There can't be BONES in empty space. Get off it.”

“Get off what, Sergeant?” I heard Willi snap.

I shrugged again. “Whatever. Can't be nothing. 'Countta it's empty. Empty--space is empty. Just get real, Sir. Look, we’ve got a something out there, Sir. We don’t know what. Whistles and jingles, metaphorically speaking, in the—meta-phor-ic, get it?—space winds. That’s all, Major, Sir. Now don’t be takin’ me for disrespectful, and I ain’t undis-ci-plined, Sir, Major, but . . . “

Well, Willie’d come in close now, swayin' before me—got me backed up, hard, against the control panel now—his big face with its hawk-beak stuck out practically into my eye, saying, “Fuckin’ Dena Soba, and that’s General Soba to you, son—knows her stuff. 'N what she’s sayin’”— he slams me one—“there be BONES out there, so you better believe it. Better believe it, Boy. Dem bones, y’hear?”

“Yes. SIR.” And I shoved off, hard, from that panel. Shoved hard right into Wil the Pill, so he pitched backward, started rolling cartywheels round round round the cabin.

“Dig /dem bones,” I was singing. “Damn /dem bones /in DIS land.” And added, “I ain’t dissing any races, either now, Sir, Major. No Sir, and no Ail-yens neither.”

Staff sergeant Roe and Adjunct Doe and Privates Dough and Mo were standing in the stairwell watching—watching hard, as you can imagine.

“At ease, men.” Thus pontificated Wilbert.

*
Now approaching earth3sol. 19:59 earth3Sol =\2205xnd_alpha(senddate)Sol-art to Dena. ALERT, ALERT. SHOW BONES. Come off it, Dena-babe. You know fuckin’ well no fuckin’ alien (let alone alien-ated!) bones out there. Don't go getting hysterical-woman on us, D-honey.
p.s. You spaced, babe? Want some, uh, “grounding”, like maybe this evenin’?

*
[copy unavailable/blanked. No reason known.]

*
20:19 earth3Sol =\2205xnd_alpha(senddate)Sol-art to earth1. ALPHA! ALPHA-OMEGA! ZERO—REPEAT: ZERO! REPEAT: ZERO. ZERO, ZERO, ZERO. OMG. ALL FORCES TO BATTLE STATIONS. DEFENSIVE. REPEAT: ZERO. ZERO, ZERO, ZERO. OMG. ALL FORCES TO BATTLE STATIONS. DEFENSIVE—ALL FORCES SOL-SYS ALERT. REPEAT: ZERO. ZERO. . . .

*
“Oh yes, my hands have always been considered especially effective.” The leader of Dem Bones articulated her words with utmost clarity. “All innumerables of them.”

“But why did they dare invade Our Quadrant of De Nada, trespassing upon our Dead, Great Skull?” The speaker rode our very best (most effective) "earthshaker" prancing meteorite.

The leader of Dem Bones here in Dese Lands, "voice" tragic, nodded in indubitable clarity. “Indeed. Answer unknown, my dear ones.” Shaking her empty Skull in cosmic comprehension, starlight shimmering from her fingers' bones translucent in good N6 space-time seeming-emptiness. A clink, a clang, as if a ringing in our N9 wilderness—our (asseen by 3-D Earthers) Quadrant.

“Knowest we not, dear Skull?”

She shook her N-6 emptiness. “Beats me, Horatio. Lord knows, they're terribly limited-percep entities, but we had no bone to pick with them.”

[NOTE: Written for my own pleasure. No critiques solicited.]

Interesting changes, Heather--definitely good ones.
Sorry I've not more time this week for critiquing.
This is a story worth working on, for sure!

Heather,
truly nice work. A bit hard getting into the first paragraph or so of the story, but only because you are, from the get-go, introducing the alien language usage, which carries through excellently through the story. Very well done. My only problem is with the final 2 paragraphs and ending line, where the "ordinary reader/human's point of view" appears, in grammatical structure, vocabulary, and attitudes, more clearly and lengthily than would be ideal.
Carrie,
I actually liked your first version better--in a way, you went too far the other direction, perhaps. The power of having her attacked and eaten at the end, finito! was fine in the original; the switch to the more human/author pov there at the end was the only problem. The problem now is more an overlong continuance of an ending . . .

Fine. In fact, I shall delete here and move it over there.Heather wrote: "Thanks Paula. Actually - and sorry if this seems to be me being too pedantic - but would you mind if I give my response to your critique over on the Critique thread ... just for consistency (I know..."

Carrie, in reworking it, think of Poe's dictum--everything toward a single emotional effect (this is not how Poe phrased it, though).
Justin--no, I was referring only to Carri's settings. I didn't actually check yours; sorry if that misled.
Heather, there are more than two attitudes toward critiquing; some may be quite happy to get critiques from people whose literary knowledge they admire.

I prefer generally to send critiques directly and privately to the author, but one of these two authors does not take messages, so here are two "critiques of endings."

Carrie--
Your story is solidly written and well paced. I have trouble getting into tales that begin with the protagonist in a spaceship cabin, lone brave pilot, etc., but I recognize this is my opinion rather than a story issue. Still, we could feel the protagonist better if we're given some interesting detail about her--e.g., she keeps petting her pet talking cat, who's constantly winding around the dash controls, or whatever. The story picks up intensity with the increasing pacing/action, until the jump in point of view near the end shows us the *something* eating her, is genuinely horrifying--a jump/scene extremely well done. However, the actual ending doesn't quite work: who is speaking there? whose pov is this (rather corny) dismissal of humans, and with such a generalized statement? Why jerk us out of the story that way? (Ah--now I see that C. has brought up this issue, too. I'm glad your answer is that you will change the ending. It could become the very strong story that, until the ending, it is.)

Justin--
Another well-written, well-paced tale, and a frightening one, but it is the ending that . . . I doubt if there is any writer anywhere who would not be very pleased to have written that last sentence. Brilliant, Justin--so just exactly right it's a mind-blower. Nice work.

Richard wrote: "Between you, critics, you're destroying this group. Whenever we get into this bitter/sweet cross fertilization crap we lose writers. It always gets heavy, breaking down into a mixture of arse licki..."
Ah, but keep in mind J.J.'s good line.
By the way, Richard, agreed entirely that "the vote is absolutely ruined by having people dissecting each other's work before we vote." But, again, of course the critiquers are judged as well.

So, Jot,
1. Then how do we opt out from the "critiquing", if we wish:
a. for our own stories
b. to avoid being ambushed b2y critiques that have spoilers and/or judgments about current stories during a given month before the voting on them?
2. How do you see the threads as different, if follow-ups to the one-critique ff by one-reply per criquer-author dyad are to go into the "comments" thread rather than the "critiques" thread?
Just askin'.

I believe the critiques, including any extra critiques beyond the one-per-critiquer-per-story, go in the Critiques thread. That's what it's for. If the one-per-one-per-one presents a problem, anyone affected needs to contact Jot, as this would be a very good question.

Carrie wrote: "ahhhhh! damn it it went right over my head LOL"
Actually, Carrie, I thought your post was very intelligent.

Carrie wrote: "Paula, Jot posted them, I posted my story afterwards." ---was just joking, Carrie.

Ah! Of the June contest, of course. Yes. Must've forgot that.

Your August posts are up, Jack.
C., you "placed in the top three again in July"? I don't believe Jot has posted the votes yet (10:15pm EDT).