Dwayne’s Comments (group member since Apr 01, 2017)

Dwayne’s comments from the Support for Indie Authors group.

If she doesn’t know which it is, why are you talking about it?

It's the question that leads her to speak to her teacher about it. If she already knew what was going on, she wouldn't need to seek help with it.

Since we don’t know what the “trouble [sic] is—or anything about her, what can “chaos” mean to the reader?

Blurbs need to be short. I don't have room in the blurb to explain the details of the trouble or the chaos. I'm relying on the chance that most readers have a general idea what trouble is and what chaos is and they'll be curious enough to open the book and find out. They won't have to go far to find the answer.

Why does the reader care what the name of the group they know nothing about is?

The name probably isn't super important in the blurb, other than I thought the silly name might catch some attention. The reader should know it's a paranormal investigation group. It says so in the blurb.

If you could meaningfully condense the plot of a novel into a 150 word synopsis it couldn’t be a very complex story. It is a complex story. I didn't condense the whole thing into one hundred fifty words. This is only skimming the first quarter of the book.

A blurb is not a synopsis. It has one, and only one purpose: To make the reader turn to page one and begin reading.

I have a young girl being haunted, a creepy old theme park, abducted children, a supernatural wolf... That probably won't catch the eye of all readers. Such a thing would be impossible. I think it will catch the attention of a good number, though.

So, instead of talking about plot-points, make the reader know why only the protagonist can save the world, why it must be saved, and what happens if the protagonist fails.

But... the protagonists aren't out to save the world, therefore they aren't the only ones who could do it. It's not that kind of story. If that's what a potential reader is looking for, it would be stupid to lure them into thinking this is another "chosen one" kind of story, when it isn't.

G.R. wrote: "How about this? I don't know exactly what direction your story is headed, so the way I ended the blurb may not be exactly what you want.

Fifteen-year-old Hannah Drake believes she's either being b..."

Not bad, but that last line definitely won't work. Heh. Thanks!

Anna Faversham wrote: "A very quick response to your original blurb - it would have hooked the 15 year old me."

Thanks, Anna. I hope it will appeal to adults, too.

B.A. wrote: "Ok, let me know when you get it done. Sounds like a really fun read. Get to work and do the blurb later because I wan't to read the story."

Thanks, B.A. I'm having a good time writing this.

A shorter version:

Fifteen-year-old Hannah Drake believes she's being haunted or blessed by something following her. Whether an angel, a ghost, she's not sure. All she knows is, whenever she's in trouble, something creates chaos around her.

Her English teacher, Solomon Gallo, is interested in the paranormal and leads a team of investigators called Creepis. He's stumped as to whether the thing following her is trying to protect her or do her harm?

Hannah joins Creepis. Her first case involves FairyTale Village, a kiddie theme park which has been closed and is allegedly haunted. It becomes clear there's more to FairyTale Village than a gathering place of ghosts. A number of children who once worked for the park have disappeared shortly after ending employment there.

Soon the paths of mysteries lead beyond Hannah or Solomon's expectations, bringing them directly to an other-worldly entity called Fyrnir, a beast known in our world as The Big Bad Wolf.

Thank you, M.L. I made a few minor changes, based on your recommendations:

Fifteen-year-old Hannah Drake believes she's being haunted or blessed by something following her. Whether its an angel, a ghost, or something else, she's not sure. All she knows is, when she's in trouble, something creates chaos around her and seems to be trying to protect her.

She learns her English teacher, Solomon Gallo, is interested in the paranormal. In fact, Mr. Gallo leads a team of investigators called Creepis. He's stumped as to how to answer Hannah's questions, primarily does whatever is following her truly want to protect her, or is it trying to do her harm? Solomon has a gap to fill in Creepis and feels Hannah would be perfect for the role, that of team scribe.

Hannah's first case involves investigating FairyTale Village, a kiddie theme park which has been closed down for decades and is allegedly haunted. It soon becomes clear that there's more to FairyTale Village than a gathering place of common ghosts. For instance, a number of children who once worked for the park, have disappeared shortly after ending their employment there.

Soon the paths of mysteries lead beyond Hannah or Solomon's expectations, bringing them directly in the path of an other-worldly entity called Fyrnir, a beast known in this world as The Big Bad Wolf.

Tomas wrote: "I admit it's surprising for me to see that writing in coffee shops is not just a weird myth. It feels strange to seek out places with other people, where someone could see that you're writing. Thus..."

When I first took an interest in writing, I was very into Ernest Hemingway and heard that he loved to go to cafes and coffee shops while writing, for the crowds inspired him. I told myself I should try it and I found I really liked it.

I don't know how it is in your part of the world, Tomas, but in America you have people in the coffee shops with their laptops out having business meetings, working on homework, watching videos, catching up on work, etc. It's not unusual to see people with their laptops out here. I'm often disappointed at how many people are there to study or work at some non-writing job and how few writers I see.

A minor problem the Coronavirus is causing me is the novel I'm working on is set here in Cedar Rapids Iowa in the spring and early summer of 2020. If things don't get back to "normal" by mid-April, my book isn't going to make sense. It's not a huge issue. I can set it in 2019 if I need to.

My latest work in progress is still pretty early in the process, but I have an idea for a blurb floating about my head. I wanted to try it out here.

Fifteen-year-old Hannah Drake believes she's being haunted or blessed by something following her. Whether its an angel, a ghost, or something else, she's not sure. All she knows is, when she's in trouble, something creates chaos around her and seems to be trying to protect her.

She learns that her English teacher, Solomon Gallo, is interested in the paranormal. In fact, Mr. Gallo leads a team of investigators he has named Creepis. While initially he's not sure how to answer Hannah's questions, he feels she would make a great member of Creepis and asks her to join.

Hannah's first case involves investigating FairyTale Village, a kiddie theme park that has been closed down for decades and is allegedly haunted. As the mysteries of FairyTale Village unfold, it becomes clear there is something more sinister going on than a common haunting.

My work life has changed, but at least I'm still working. I work for a company that does a multitude of things. I was working in a day hab for dependent adults and driving vans and buses for dependent adults / people with medical needs. Our governor has closed all the adult day habs for the time being and so I lost that part of my job and there's not much going on with transportation due to the governor's changes. However, my company also has a number of group homes for dependent adults and those cannot be closed due to a pandemic. So, I've been sent to work in one of those until the day hab opens again.

My writing life is ... ugh. I work best when I can leave home and work in a coffee shop or library. With those closes, I'm forced to write from home. It can be done and is being done, but I feel my work is inferior to what it normally is and it's harder for me to stay focused at home.

Sumant wrote: "Seriously.. !!! I thought it would be good to offer free books to those who would not like to use their resources on books.

Maybe you think that this is trying to hawk a book ... Which is already selling since last many months.

Every one has an opinion..!! :-)

Perhaps you should see these posts & see what inspires us."

If you would take a moment to actually read over the rules of our community, you'd find out that this is not the place to offer your books, free or otherwise.

It is hawking your book, whether it is free or not and it is against our rules.

It is not an opinion. You are offering books in a community where this is forbidden. I have seen you spamming other communities with similar posts. Please stop.

And I am deleting this post as well, due to the link. I'm not interested in what inspires you. That doesn't make you above the rules.

Sumant wrote: "I thought it would be a good idea..."

You thought it would be a good idea to use the current world wide crisis to hawk your books? And you thought this was the place to do it? Offering your books is not going to help fight the Coronavirus. Go away!

It sounds kind of interesting. I have some issues with it, though.

Whenever she appears in these different worlds, she always goes to a "questing board" and looks for jobs. That doesn't indicate there's much difference between these worlds. It makes me wonder if every story is going to be more or less the same thing over and over. Rin pops in, finds a quest, gets some gold and pops into another world to do it all over again.

And she gets to keep the gold when she crosses to another world? And gold is valuable in every world?

The party has potential of being interesting. I'd like to know more about them.

Rin comes across as cold, cocky, and perhaps a bit too capable. Seems to be a common character in stories like this. What makes her interesting?

Falynne wrote: "Im glad to hear you liked the name Puppet. I may play more with Puppet's character and how he could relate to this scene."

I don't know if Puppet is needed in the scene, other than what you've already done. I assume this scene is a part of a bigger story and Puppet will play a part elsewhere. No? If so, then leave it at that. Focus on the character with the gun and Dominick. It could be a good scene if you can ramp up the tension a bit.

If you write in the "real world" like I do, I simply take a screen shot of Google maps and adjust it as needed.

Some of this will reflect my personal taste and opinions. Feel free to ignore any of this, especially those parts, if you disagree. I know some of what I will say is nit-picking style choices. But, you're asking for a critique, so I'm going to hit everything.

First, I'm not buying that this person wants to commit suicide. They go to some public place and they're using a method they're completely ignorant of, one that will make a lot of noise and one that is easy to screw up if you don't know what you're doing. Perhaps they don't really want to commit suicide. Perhaps they only want attention. If that's the case, good. 'Cause this works. If your character is truly suicidal, then this doesn't work.

I always find the wording in fiction to be strange in first person, present tense. I read it as if the character is telling me the story as it's happening, which completely takes away any realism the story might otherwise have. Someone who is about to shoot him or herself is going to be highly emotional, whether they're really trying to commit suicide or if it's a cry for help or a show for attention. If that gun goes off, it's going to hurt. Yet, the narrator is telling me all this stuff that's going on so calmly and even taking the time to tell me people are on skateboards nearby, there's graffiti on the wall, and there's tape on the grip of the gun.

Who commits suicide by blowing off their chin?

If this person wants to die, why are they worried their heart is going "too fast"? It's going to stop soon, anyway. For that matter, why be concerned about catching one's breath? I believe you've read a few stories in which details like this were tossed in to make a scene seem more intense. It feels fictional. It doesn't feel real.

I'm hoping there is more to the story before this scene. I know nothing about this character other than he or she is sitting either in an alley or a parking lot somewhere getting ready to shoot off their chin. I have a hard time connecting to this character, therefore have a hard time caring about what they're doing. Might be nice to have a clue as to their age, gender, name, and especially why they are about to kill themselves, if that's really what they're doing.

The narrator says he or she is startled, but I'm not feeling it. He or she seems far too calm about all of this.

I like the name Puppet. This is the first time I'm truly interested in whatever is going on here. The "my birth mother is the worst person in the world" cliche kinda threw me back off, though.

How would the narrator know what Dominick is homing in on? How would Dominick know the wounds on the narrator were inflicted by a "bad guy"?

A few thoughts here...

A similar world to Avatar, The Last Airbender. An enjoyable story for The Kingkiller Chronicle fans.

Risky. If your book is picked up by a fan of these three stories, they may be drawn in. It could work against you. I wasn't really into Avatar, never seen The Last Airbender, and have never heard of Kingkiller. Were Avatar and Last Airbender novels? I'm not sure why you'd compare a novel to a movie / TV series / whatever.

The Fire Sword finally engulfed in flames. It had chosen the heir to the throne of the Fireos, Noakhail, a baby. A traitor almost killed him, but he was saved by a soldier who decides to escape to a neighboring queendom with the legitimate heir and the sacred sword.

Every version of your blurb seems to leave my head swimming. This short paragraph has so much info packed into it, it's hard to digest it all in such a short time. You have a fire sword catching fire while picking an heir to a throne of some place I've never heard of. He's almost killed, rescued, and flees to some unnammed place with another heir and a sword. I feel like you're breathlessly trying to chatter the entire book into my ear out of fear that I'll turn away if any word hints that the book might be boring. Instead, it comes across as windy and desperate. Slow down. Give me some context! Remember. I know nothing of this world, this baby, these swords, etc.

Now, Noakhail lives as an outcast in the Aquadom, where he trains to master the art of the sword. He has made a tough decision: to face the world with his fire sword; if he could do that and emerge victorious, the Fireo king should be no match for him.

That's... an amazing baby. Is he really going to slaughter an entire world with a sword? That's some sword.

Meanwhile, the Water Sword has not yet chosen which princess will become the Lacrima, the rightful heiress of the queendom. Everyone expects the honor will fall to the eldest sister, Katienne. After all, she is just like her mother the queen. But will she be the sword’s choice? And more importantly, will the rest of the princesses accept such a decision?

Again, a lot of information dumped in with no context. Example: I don't know anything about the queen, so saying her daughter is just like her means nothing to me. I have no idea how a sword picks an heir, so how would I know what the sword would choose?

Four kingdoms. Four mythic weapons, each emblazoned with the sacred power of one of Earth’s elements—air, water, fire, earth. Weapons forged with the mythic power to choose the heir to its throne.

There's really nothing else mentioned anywhere about the air or the earth swords or their kingdoms or their heirs. Why mention it here? It doesn't seem to be important enough to the story. An example of a detail that could be left out. Let the reader learn about this in the book. Right now you're trying to get them to open the book, not bombard them with side information.

Instead, it was Vienne, a shy girl that couldn’t be more inappropriate for the role, as her mother the queen likes to point out. Vienne will have to prove she is worthy to wear the crown. But her eldest sister knows she would be a better queen, will Katienne accept the sword’s choice

In all this, you have many possible paragraphs hinting that Katienne might be chosen by the sword, now you've erased that and said, "no, wait, it's Vienne." So, Katienne isn't terribly important to the story, I guess. I'd leave her out of the blurb, then. And again, I have no idea who the queen or Katienne are. How could I know what they're going to do about the sword's choice?

A blurb needs to be simple. Your novel can be as complex as it needs to be, yes, but in the blurb you're trying to get someone to open that first page. I'd focus on Noakhail, as he seems to be the main character. Maybe one other major character could get mentioned. What is the main story? What is the main conflict? What are the stakes? As someone who is totally ignorant of your worlds, all I really get is that there's a bunch of swords choosing a bunch of heirs and a bunch of other people aren't super happy about it. I don't get why I should care.

Ella wrote: "Calling the attention of ..."

Calling your attention to the rules. No self promotion, no hijacking threads, and no links.

Comment deleted for failure to respond to Tomas's kind request.