NNEDV’s Comments (group member since Sep 24, 2013)

NNEDV’s comments from the Reader with a Cause group.

In “What We Hunger For,” Roxane Gay talks about the Hunger Games and the importance of that series to her personally and to our cultural landscape overall.

“I identify with Katniss because throughout the trilogy, the people around Katniss expect her to be strong and she does her best to meet those expectations, even when it costs her a great deal…Just because you survive something does not mean you are strong.” (141-4)

Labels like “victim” and “survivor” come with a lot of connotations. People who have experienced domestic & sexual violence must have the freedom to heal in their own way, without having to live up to our expectations of what a victim or survivor “should” be.

“At times, I thought, This is too much, but I know something of the world now, and there are rarely limits to suffering. In this trilogy, suffering has few limits, and suffering has consequences that, all too often, we forget when narratives neatly imply that everything turns out okay, when narratives imply that it gets better without demonstrating what it takes to get better. In the Hunger Games, it takes everything.” (146)

What do you think about the way that the Hunger Games series characterized survival? How do you understand survival, healing, and moving forward?

In “The Careless Language of Sexual Violence,” Roxane Gay writes about the ways that the media fail victims and survivors of domestic and sexual violence: by sympathizing with perpetrators and blaming the victim for the crime in first place.

“The right stories are not being told, or we’re not writing enough about the topic of rape in the right ways. Perhaps we too casually use the term ‘rape culture’ to address the very specific problems that rise from a culture mired in sexual violence. Should we, instead, focus on ‘rapist culture’ because decades of addressing ‘rape culture’ has accomplished so little?” (133)

Have you seen examples of this (outside of the examples she provided)? What do you think we can do to hold the media accountable and support survivors?

Did this essay inspire you to examine your own language? Why or why not?

In “To Scratch, Claw, or Grope Clumsily or Frantically,” Roxane Gay describes her experiences as a competitive Scrabble player and her “nemesis” Henry. In their first encounter, he acted in an unsportsmanlike manner - refusing to shake Gay’s hand, rolling his eyes, all with anger rolling off him. Gay describes her reaction:

“Male anger makes me intensely uncomfortable, so I tried to sit very still and hoped the uncomfortable moment would pass quickly.” (39)

She describes a situation that likely resonates with most or all women: being in a situation with a man whose anger is disconcerting - and not knowing if this behavior will escalate.

Did this passage resonate with you? Why or why not?

“Over the years, I have seen trigger warnings for eating disorders, poverty, self-injury, bullying, heteronormativity, suicide, sizeism, genocide, slavery, mental illness, explicit fiction, explicit discussions of sexuality, homosexuality, homophobia, addiction, alcoholism, racism, the Holocaust, ableism, and Dan Savage. Life, apparently, requires a trigger warning.” (150)

In “The Illusion of Safety / The Safety of Illusion,” Roxane Gay takes on trigger warnings...and comes out against them:

“When I see trigger warnings, I think, How dare you presume what I need to be protected from? Trigger warnings also, when used in excess, start to feel like censorship. They suggest that there are experiences or perspectives too inappropriate, too explicit, too bare to be voiced publicly.” (151)

“That said, there is value in learning, where possible, how to deal with and respond to the triggers that cut you open, the triggers that put you back in terrible places, that remind you of painful history...This is the truth of my trouble with trigger warnings: there is nothing words on the screen can do that has not already been done. A visceral reaction to a trigger is nothing compared to the actual experience that created the trigger.” (152)

What do you think about trigger warnings? Did your opinion change after reading this essay? Why or why not?

“Time and again, people of color are supposed to be grateful for scraps from the table. There’s this strange implication that we should enjoy certain movies or television shows simply because they exist.” (250)

In “When Less is More,” Roxane Gay takes the opposing viewpoint on Internet sensation, Orange is the New Black. While it has been celebrated for its diversity and for sharing women’s stories that aren’t often heard in the mainstream, it only does so because it centers on the experiences of a white woman. Gay argues this isn’t something to celebrate.

“OITNB is a lovingly crafted monument to White Girl Problems...And still, we cannot ignore how the show’s diverse characters are planets orbiting Piper’s sun. The women of color don’t have the privilege of inhabiting their own solar systems. This is what we consider diversity these days.” (252)

Orange Is the New Black was also a previous RWAC pick - did you watch the show after reading the book it was based on? What do you think: should we celebrate OITNB for making strides in the right direction or should we demand more?

“The thing about fairy tales is that the princess finds her prince, but there’s usually a price to pay. A compromise is required for happily ever after. The woman in the fairy tale is generally the one who pays the price.” (193)

In “The Trouble with Prince Charming, or He Who Trespasses Against Us,” Roxane Gay looks at two modern-day fairy tales, the The Twilight Saga and the Fifty Shades of Grey series, reminding us that, once again, it is the woman in these stories who is required to sacrifice in order to find what we’re led to believe is her happy ending.

“The books are, essentially, a detailed primer for how to successfully engage in a controlling abusive relationship. The trilogy represents the darkest kind of fairy tale, one where controlling, obsessive, and borderline abusive tendencies are made to seem intensely desirable.” (201)

“When considering the overwhelming popularity of this trilogy, we cannot simply dismiss the flaws because the books are fun and the sex is hot. The damaging tone has too broad a reach. That tone reinforces pervasive cultural messages women are already swallowing about what they should tolerate in romantic relationships, about what they should tolerate to be loved by their Prince Charming.” (204)

If you’ve read the Twilight and/or Fifty Shades series, what do you think about Gay’s characterization of these stories? Are they damaging or just in good fun?

What other popular or well-known stories do you think fall into this category?

In “Bad Feminist: Take One,” Roxane Gay returns to the concept of bad feminism, this time in reference to other public figures, including Sheryl Sandberg and her book Lean In (also a previous RWAC pick). She says:

“The critical response to Lean In is not entirely misplaced, but it is emblematic of the dangers of public womanhood. Public women, and feminists in particular, have to be everything to everyone; when they aren’t, they are excoriated for their failure... Perhaps we can consider Lean In for what it is--just one more reminder that the rules are different for girls, no matter who they are and no matter what they do.” (313)

If you read Lean In: Women, Work, and the Will to Lead, and if you’re familiar with the pushback Sandberg received as a result of it, do you agree with Gay’s characterization? Why or why not?

In “Peculiar Benefits,” Roxane Gay addresses privilege (“a right or immunity granted as a peculiar benefit, advantage, or favor”): her own, others’, and what to do about it.

“One of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do is accept and acknowledge my privilege. It’s an ongoing project...My life has been far from perfect, but it’s somewhat embarrassing for me to accept just how much privilege I have.” (16)

“We tend to believe that accusations of privilege imply we have it easy, which we resent because life is hard for nearly everyone….To have privilege in one or more areas does not mean you are wholly privileged.” (17)

“You don’t necessarily have to do anything once you acknowledge your privilege. You don’t have to apologize for it. You need to understand the extent of your privilege, the consequences of your privilege, and remain aware that people who are different from you move through and experience the world in ways you might never know anything about. They might endure situations you can never know anything about. You could, however, use that privilege for the greater good -- to try to level the playing field for everyone, to work for social justice, to bring attention to how those without certain privileges are disenfranchised.” (17)

Did this essay influence the ways that you think about your own privilege or about privilege as a larger concept? How?

Do you think we have a further responsibility regarding privilege, beyond just acknowledging it?

Roxane Gay ascribes to what she calls “bad” feminism, wherein people are allowed to be people and make mistakes, learn, and evolve.

“I openly embrace the label of bad feminist. I do so because I am flawed and human...I cannot tell you how freeing it has been to accept this about myself. I embrace the label of bad feminist because I am human. I am messy. I’m not trying to be an example. I am not trying to be perfect. I am not trying to say that I have all the answers. I am not trying to say that I’m right. I am just trying--trying to support what I believe in, trying to do some good in this world...” (x-xi)

“We don’t all have to believe in the same feminism...I hear many young women say they can’t find well-known feminists with whom they identify. That can be disheartening, but I say, let us (try to) become the feminists we would like to see moving through the world.” (xiii-xiv)

What does feminism mean to you? What do you think about the concept of “bad” feminism?

The wives talked a lot about how they were expected to keep their family troubles private, even while Life photographers & journalists documented their each & every move. They all believed that "airing their dirty laundry" could cost their husbands his job.

"They all knew fear was contagious. Even though most of the ladies harbored the exact same dark thoughts, they couldn't risk sharing them." (206)

How did NASA help perpetuate this climate of silence?

Do you think this mentality continues today for couples in and out of NASA? Do you think this applies in your community, workplace, etc.?

How can this code of silence be harmful for victims of domestic violence & sexual assault in particular? What can we do to mitigate this social norm?

The Astronaut Wives Club clearly portrays the discrepancy between the hypothetical-perfect-family of yore and the actual reality that each wife lived. The myth of the "Perfect Family" was thrust upon each Astro-family and each wife had to deal with this myth in her own way.

"The seven wives hosted their ghostwriters at their homes and let them tag along as they went about their daily routines. The girls found their real selves disappearing behind Life's depiction of what it meant to be not only the perfect 50s housewife, but the perfect astronaut's wife, molded like the popular Barbie doll that had first appeared on store shelves that spring. The wives felt keenly the pressure to do everything just so, now that the whole country was watching them." (30)

"Whatever eccentricities the wives displayed, Life was complicit with NASA in erasing quirks, such as 31-year-old Betty referring to herself, because of all she'd been through, as 'Ole Betty.'" (36)

What effect do you think this pressure had on each family?

Do you think that we are continuing to grapple with a myth of the "Perfect Family" today, or have we moved beyond these expectations? Why do you think so? In what ways do you see this in your own life?

How does this myth affect survivors and victims of domestic violence and sexual assault?

The Astronaut Wives Club is being made into a TV show! (Allegedly premiering sometime this year on ABC...)

Will you watch the show? Who would you cast for these roles & why?

The wives' network of support - both official and unofficial - demonstrates the importance of non-intimate relationships.

"Ultimately the wives' story is about female friendships & American identity. While their husbands were launched into space, they were being launched as modern American women. If not for the wives, the strong women in the background who provided essential support to their husbands, man might never have walked on the moon." (xvi)

Why do you think this network of support played such a large role for the AWC?

What are some important friendships & relationships in your life? How have they impacted you?

What did you think about The Astronaut Wives Club by Lily Koppel?? Overall thoughts about the book, the author, the topic, the writing style, etc. welcome here!

When Kambili moves in with Aunty Ifeoma, she begins to see an alternative family life that doesn’t involve abuse. How do our external environments help shape our worldview and serve to either empower or silence us? Have you been in a situation where a move or change of environment has impacted your perspective, either positively or negatively?

There was a significant discrepancy between the Kambili’s father’s public image and the abuse that he perpetuated at home. How does Kambili’s family cope with this discrepancy?

“Had Jaja forgotten that we never told, that there was so much that we never told? When people asked, he always said his finger was ‘something’ that had happened at home. That way, it was not a lie and it let them imagine some accident, perhaps involving a heavy door.” (154)

What advice would you give someone coping with a similar situation? How can we as community members break down the barriers around domestic violence to reduce the stigma and encourage healthy dialogue and the creation of a supportive community response?

Religion was used as a mask for Kambili's family to hide behind (e.g., “her father is such a good man, well-loved, pious; he couldn’t possibly be an abuser”). Over the course of the book, Kambili’s relationship with her family and religion changes due to her interactions with other characters and change in her experiences. What did you think of this change?

Did this resonate with you? That is, have there been any experiences and people in your own life that have significantly changed how you feel about something important to you? (It doesn’t have to be religion, but it can be.)

Have you read anything else (besides Purple Hibiscus) by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie? If so, how does this one compare?

We're currently reading another book by Adichie - Americanah, what about this book are you looking forward to (or enjoying)?

What were your overall impressions of Purple Hibiscus by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie? How did you feel about the ending?

Has anyone started reading Wild by Cheryl Strayed?