NNEDV’s Comments (group member since Sep 24, 2013)

NNEDV’s comments from the Reader with a Cause group.

Do we have any audiobook aficionados out there?? Aziz Ansari performs the audiobook version - if you listened, do you think his performance enhanced the content in any way?

What did you think of Modern Romance? Was it what you expected from Aziz Ansari on this topic?

It is described as a “hilarious, thoughtful exploration of the rewards and perils of modern romance from one of this generation’s sharpest comedic voices” (book flap). In your opinion, does it live up to this hype?

The University of Montana stipulates that consent “cannot be inferred ‘from silence, past consent, or consent to a different form of sexual activity.’” (89)

Do you think this language sufficiently clarifies what consent is and is not? Do you think an affirmative verbal consent is or should be required prior to engaging in sexual activity?

How did Missoula: Rape and the Justice System in a College Town make you feel about the way that campus administrations respond to, prevent, and address sexual assault in the United States?

**To learn more about campus sexual assault, check out:
 Know Your IX: http://knowyourix.org/
 End Rape On Campus: http://endrapeoncampus.org/

“Kelsey stated she was reluctant about pressing charges at this time because she did not want to get anyone in trouble.” (38)

“Most of the student rapists…were regarded by their peers as nice guys who would never rape anyone, and regarded themselves the same way….They exist in their own world, and in their world there is often a tremendous sense of entitlement.” (119)

No victim should feel the need to preserve the reputations or careers of the rapist, yet feelings like Kelsey’s persist. Do you think this is a result of rape culture and the media’s propensity to report on rapists’ “once-promising” futures, while ignoring or minimizing the harm done to the survivor?

One of the survivors in Missoula: Rape and the Justice System in a College Town explains the precarious position that victims of rape face:

“She was aware that if Beau Donaldson was charged with raping her, she would face scathing criticism from Griz fans. She understood that if the case went to trial, Donaldson’s attorneys would attempt to destroy her reputation. But she also knew that if she didn’t report Donaldson, he might rape other women.” (34)

Do you think it is understandable or fair for this survivor to feel a sense of responsibility toward “protecting” future victims?

Why do you think athletes who commit crimes of violence against women are so strongly defended by their fans, some of whom are women?

In what ways do you think we as a society can help to shift the burden of shame and condemnation from the victim to the perpetrator? What type of measures do you think it would take for rapists to reform their views and behavior toward women?

Violence against women is one of the few crimes that is dismissed or minimized by law enforcement, the media, and others as being a “he said-she said” matter.

“And it’s not easy to just throw people in jail when it’s a ‘he said, she said’ scenario.” (72)

Why do you think it is so easy to dismiss or devalue crimes that involve violence against women?

Jon Krakauer did a great job describing how traumatic rape kit collection often is. Even with comforting nurses, Allison still described it as “incredibly traumatic.” (16)

Rape kits are routinely collected in television shows like Law & Order: SVU and other crime procedurals; however, a much more sanitized version is presented for public consumption. Were you surprised to learn how traumatic rape kits can actually be for survivors?

Does this change your opinion about allegations of victims’ false reports, when it becomes clear how much victims must go through when reporting sexual assaults?

“Rape culture” is a term that was coined to illuminate the ways that our society blames victims for sexual assault and normalizes, encourages, or minimizes sexual violence by men.

Missoula: Rape and the Justice System in a College Town clearly shows the importance of football culture in college towns like Missoula.

In what ways (if any) do you think football culture perpetuates the existence of rape culture?

How can we redefine masculinity in a way that would allow for a healthy sports culture that respects women and does not glorify violence or aggression?

Missoula: Rape and the Justice System in a College Town is sprinkled with statistics and facts:

--"No more than 20% of rapes are reported to the police.” (5)

--“…psychologists and psychiatrists who study sexual assault report that victims frequently react to being raped much the way Kaitlyn Kelly did…when people are raped, the experience is so traumatic that it often causes them to behave in a wide variety of ways that may seem inexplicable.” (70)

--“…the prevalence of false allegations is between 2 percent and 10 percent; that figure was based on eight methodologically rigorous studies.” (109)

--“It is estimated that between 64% and 96% of victims do not report the crimes committed against them….and a major reason for this is [the victim’s] belief that his or her report will be met with suspicion or outright disbelief.” (110)

--“When an individual is raped in this country, more than 90 percent of the time the rapist gets away with the crime.” (110)

--“This suggests that, rather than being the nation’s rape capital, Missoula had an incidence of sexual assault that was in fact slightly less than the national average. That’s the real scandal.” (341)

Did any of these facts or statistics surprise you? Why or why not?

Did they help or hurt the case presented by Jon Krakauer?

In the Author’s Note, Jon Krakauer explains that Missoula: Rape and the Justice System in a College Town is his effort “to understand what deters so many rape victims from going to the police, and to comprehend the repercussions of sexual assault from the perspective of those who have been victimized.” (xiv)

Do you think Krakauer was successful in this? Why or why not?

What did you think of Missoula: Rape and the Justice System in a College Town?

Did you find the book controversial or provocative in any way?

Did it change or challenge your perspective on rape and the criminal justice system?

A movie adaptation - starring Reese Witherspoon - came out in late 2014 and received a 90% score on Rotten Tomatoes.

For those of us who have read the book and seen the movie - how did the two compare for you? What did you think of Witherspoon’s performance?

What scenes do you think translated especially well? Which scenes were you waiting for, but were ultimately left out or altered for the movie release?

For a woman alone, there’s often also the added weight of fear of sexual violence in addition to all of the other fears she has to conquer. Simply because of the world in which we live - where we admonish girls “not to get raped” instead of teaching boys not to rape - a woman alone in the wilderness has all the “normal” things to worry about (e.g., exposure, endurance, food/water, injury, predators, etc.) in addition to maintaining vigilance for sexual predators.

Strayed experienced this uniquely female fear a few times while on her journey (the moment in Frank’s car, when she gets the ride with Lou, and when the sandy-haired man returned to her campsite). As she described it:

“I could hardly hear my own words for what felt like a great clanging in my head, which was the realization that my whole hike on the PCT could come to this. That no matter how tough or brave I’d been, how comfortable I’d come to be with being alone, I’d also been lucky, and that if my luck ran out now, it would be as if nothing before it had ever existed, that this one evening would annihilate all those brave days.” (286)

Did you also feel the fear Strayed describes in these passages? How do you think we can end rape culture and empower women to feel safe at home, on the street, and on the trail?

Grief can be a dark, confusing, seemingly unending, and sometimes surprising experience. Strayed describes it as follows:

“I’d let my mother go and my father go and I’d finally let Eddie go as well. But the table was another thing. It hadn’t occurred to me that I’d have to let that go too.” (211)

Has grief ever surprised you, as it did with Strayed and the table? How did you cope with that? What did it teach you? Have you ever dealt with grief in a way that seemed strange to other people?

“The thing about the PCT...was how few choices I had and how often I had to do the thing I least wanted to do. How there was no escape or denial. No numbing it down with a martini or covering it up with a roll in the hay.” (69)

This isn’t just true on the trail, it’s true in life and in healing. Sometimes, there’s nothing else that we can do except move forward in hard times and keep putting one foot in front of the other, even if they are baby steps.

Has a hard time ever helped you to build strength? Why do you think we build strength during hard times?

Hiking the Pacific Crest Trail alone takes incredible strength and courage. Fear is something that Strayed needed to overcome - and quickly - to make this journey. She describes fear as a choice, a “story we tell ourselves, and so I chose to tell myself a different story from the one women are told. I decided I was safe. I was strong. I was brave. Nothing could vanquish me. Insisting on this story was a form of mind control, but for the most part, it worked.” (51)

Do you believe that repeatedly telling yourself new and empowering mantras, like Strayed did, can work in overcoming limiting beliefs and fears? Why or why not? Have you ever used this tactic?

As we heard at the United State of Women summit, knowing yourself is of paramount importance: First Lady Michelle Obama said, “...our first job in life as women, I think, is to get to know ourselves. And I think a lot of times we don’t do that. We spend our time pleasing, satisfying, looking out into the world to define who we are -- listening to the messages, the images, the limited definitions that people have of who we are.”

In Wild, Strayed describes her decision to hike the Pacific Crest Trail as feeling right: “Something bloomed inside me as I traced its jagged line with my finger on a map.” (4)

It may seem like an extreme decision, but in the end, the trail helped her “both make me into a woman I knew I could be and turn me back into the girl I’d once been.” (4)

How have you undertaken the task of knowing yourself? Has your journey of self-discovery been unique in any way? If so, how has your unique path of self-discovery contributed to your sense of self-worth or empowerment?

What did you think of Wild, overall?

Do you like the memoir format? Why or why not?

“Ifemelu thought about the expression ‘sweet girl.’ Sweet girl meant that, for a long time, Don had molded Ranyinudo into a malleable shape, or that she had allowed him to think he had.” (512)

The “sweet girl” trope that Adichie references here stands in contradiction with the “cool girl” trope used in Gone Girl (see here: https://www.goodreads.com/topic/show/...) – these two examples make it clear that women are expected to be virgins or whores, or embody both of these contradictory roles at once.

What do these roles tell us about gender socialization and expectations of women? How do these expectations of gender stir our emotions towards or against a character’s misfortune (i.e., Why might we be more inclined to feel empathetic towards a character who fits the “sweet girl” trope vs. the “cool girl” trope?)