NNEDV’s Comments (group member since Sep 24, 2013)

NNEDV’s comments from the Reader with a Cause group.

Access to financial assets can have a significant impact on a survivor’s ability to access safety. Financial abuse, which occurs in 99% of domestic violence cases, has the power to keep victims trapped.

Celeste, however, is able to purchase and furnish an apartment while deciding if, when, and how to leave Perry - all without his knowledge. What impact did this financial freedom have on Celeste and her ability to plan for safety? How would you imagine this lack of financial freedom might impact a victim of domestic violence planning for safety?

Celeste and Perry’s economic status is also, heartbreakingly, mentioned as justification for the abuse:

Perhaps it was even fair. A little violence was a bargain price for a life that would otherwise be just too sickeningly, lavishly, moonlit perfect.
So then what the hell was she doing here, secretly planning her escape route like a prisoner? (259)

What role did their wealth have in facilitating his abuse?

There are so many ways to cope with trauma and there is no ‘right’ way. How did the different characters in Big Little Lies cope with their own trauma?

Jane?

Celeste?

Bonnie?

It seems that Gwen, Celeste and Perry’s babysitter, may have been the only one who suspected the abuse at first:

“That’s a nasty bruise!” said Gwen. “What have you done to yourself?”
Celeste pulled the sleeve of her silk shirt further down her wrist.
“Tennis injury,” she said. “My doubles partner and I both went for the same shot.”
“Ow!” said Gwen. She looked up at Celeste steadily. There was silence for a moment.
“Well,” said Celeste. “As I said, the boys shouldn’t wake --”
“It might be time to find another tennis partner,” said Gwen. There was a no-nonsense edge to her voice. The one Celeste had heard her use to astonishing effect when the boys were fighting.
“Well, it was my fault too,” said Celeste.
“I bet it wasn’t.” (273)

Why do you think Gwen noticed this? What impact do you think this conversation had on Celeste, if any?

We later find out that Bonnie, who recognized the domestic violence between Perry and Celeste, experienced domestic violence in her home growing up. Do you think people that have experienced abuse are most often the ones to recognize it in others?

Secrets have a lot of power in Big Little Lies. Jane keeps her assault a secret, trying to make it mean nothing:

She’d always known that her reaction to that night had been too big, or perhaps too small. She hadn’t ever cried. She hadn’t told anyone. She’d swallowed it whole and pretended it meant nothing, and therefore it had come to mean everything. (232)

Do you think that secrecy gives things more power? Why would a survivor choose to keep their experiences secret?

Spoilers below!

Big Little Lies ends with a death. Did you know who was going to be killed before it happened?

Maybe it was actually an unspoken instant agreement between the four women on the balcony: No woman should pay for the accidental death of that particular man. Maybe it was an involuntary, atavistic response to thousands of years of violence against women. Maybe it was for every rape, every brutal backhanded slap, every other Perry that had come before this one. (456)

What did you think about the “unspoken instant agreement” that Bonnie, Celeste, Renata, and Madeline entered into? Do you agree that Perry’s death and this scene is about something bigger than just him and that it’s about women coming together as a reaction to the long history of violence against women? In what ways do you think historical trauma may have played a role in this scene?

How did your opinion of Bonnie change by the end of the novel?

“Them doctors say her cells is so important and did all this and that to help people. But it didn’t do no good for her, and it don’t do no good for us. If me and my sister need something, we can’t even go see a doctor cause we can’t afford it. Only people that can get any good from my mother cells is the people that got money, and whoever sellin them cells -- they get rich off our mother and we got nothing.” --Zakariyya (146-7)

Zakarriya’s observation is poignant. Rebecca Skloot established the Henrietta Lacks Foundation (http://henriettalacksfoundation.org/) to help address this disparity.

How would you resolve this?

Let’s say you were going in for surgery to remove part of your kidney. What do you think should happen to that leftover tissue? Does it still belong to you or should doctors be able to use it for research? If a major medical breakthrough occurs from your tissue, should you be told about it? Should you benefit from it?

Do you agree that “A patient must have the ultimate power to control what becomes of his or her tissues” as the judges initially wrote in the Moore case? (205) Or do you agree that “When tissues are removed from your body, with or without your consent, any claim you might have had to owning them vanishes” as the Supreme Court in California ultimately ruled? (205)

Would Henrietta Lacks have lived if she had been White? Would she have been asked before her cells were taken for research if she had been White? Rebecca Skloot says “There’s no way of knowing.” (64)

“According to Howard Jones, Henrietta got the same care any white patient would have; the biopsy, the radium treatment, and radiation were all standard for the day.” However, she goes on to say that “…several studies have shown that black patients were treated and hospitalized at later stages of their illnesses than white patients. And once hospitalized, they got fewer pain medications, and had higher mortality rates.” (64)

What do you think?

The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks is being made into an HBO movie (watch the official trailer here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qPDh5...).

How do you think this will translate to film? Will you tune in for it?

What do you think of the casting choices:
• Oprah Winfrey as Deborah Lacks
• Rose Byrne as Rebecca Skloot
• Renée Elise Goldsberry as Henrietta Lacks

When Henrietta Lacks entered the hospital for treatment, she signed a form, “Operation Permit,” that said, “I hereby give consent to the staff of The Johns Hopkins Hospital to perform any operative procedures and under any anaesthetic either local or general that they may deem necessary in the proper surgical care and treatment of: _____” (on which Henrietta printed her name). (31)

Some have argued that by signing this form, Henrietta consented to all services performed on her, including the biopsy that took the cells that eventually became HeLa. However, we would argue that this form does not pass the threshold for informed consent. (Learn more here: https://www.techsafety.org/waivers-at...)

We would also argue, as Rebecca Skloot did, that Henrietta is a product of her time - a time in which patients, particularly people of color, “deferred to anything [their] doctors said.” (63) Even if she had been properly informed, she may not have had the power to consent.

What do you think?

What did you think of The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks?

Overall thoughts about the book, Rebecca Skloot, the topic, the writing style, etc. welcome here!

Has anyone started The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks?

What do you think so far?

In the Conclusion to Modern Romance, Aziz Ansari collects his main findings from all of his research:
1. “Finding someone today is probably more complicated and stressful than it was for previous generations - but you’re also more likely to end up with someone you are really excited about.” (236)
2. “Technology hasn’t just changed how we find romance; it’s also put a new spin on the timeless challenges we face once we’re in a relationship.” (239)
3. “Treat potential partners like actual people, not bubbles on a screen.” (240)
4. “Don’t think of online dating as dating - think of it as an online introduction service.” (245)
5. “With so many romantic options, instead of trying to explore them all, make sure you properly invest in people and give them a fair chance before moving on to the next one.” (246)

Do you agree with his conclusions? Why or why not?

What was your “favorite” conclusion? Why?

In Modern Romance, Aziz Ansari argues that, due to reliance on technology as a primary form of communication, every interaction with someone creates a digital paper trail. In many of the in-person focus groups and sub-reddits for this book, many people discussed how they were secretly viewing their partner’s emails and social media.

“The same technology that affords us the luxury and privacy to share these intimate moments is also, sadly, what allows us to betray our partner’s trust on a massive scale.” (183)

How do you think the increased ease of access to “snooping” on a partner affects relationships? Given its prevalence, how can we combat this broad acceptance of a risky practice? What are the dangers of this invasion of privacy?

Two of our favorite sections were: (1) Chapter 5: International Investigations of Love, where Aziz Ansari covered Modern Romance in Tokyo and Buenos Aires; and (2) Chapter 3: Online Dating, where Ansari covered the relative freedom that online dating afforded some communities in Qatar.

What did you think about the differences between American and Japanese, Argentinian, and Qatari cultures when it comes to modern romance? What was the same? What surprised you?

Aziz Ansari describes the onslaught of online “attention” that women disproportionately receive when engaging in online dating. He agrees that many men are “straight up bozos” (42) and encourages men to be more thoughtful and respectful. Ansari mentions female celebrities’ nude photos being leaked in Chapter 6, and even points out the victim-blaming rhetoric around these incidents. While the prevalence of revenge porn and online harassment toward women is staggering, Ansari doesn’t go as far as condemning this invasion of privacy as harmful.

What do you wish Ansari had included on the topic of technology-facilitated harm that women experience online when it comes to dating or otherwise?

Aziz Ansari goes in-depth about the ways that technology has changed – for better or for worse – and the ways that we seek out romantic partners. From social media to texting to online dating, technology has become inextricably linked with romance for many in this day and age.

In Chapter 2: The Initial Ask, Ansari describes the conflicts that this can bring up - what if you use the wrong mode of communication and forever ruin your chances with a potential mate??

SO...are you a call first or text first person? Why?

In Chapter 1: Searching for Your Soul Mate, Aziz Ansaridescribes a focus group of older women in which every single woman nodded in agreement to the suggestion that they got married to get out of their family homes.

What do you think are some of the dangers of acquiring the basic freedoms of adulthood in this manner?

How do you think increased access to the labor market and the right to divorce have changed the dating experience for women?

In Chapter 1: Searching for Your Soul Mate, Aziz Ansari discusses how looking for love now is “wildly different from what people did even just decades ago” (13). In years past, individuals often married a partner from within the same neighborhood, on the same street, and even the same building! This is not usually the case today.

What are some of the differences between what is seen as nostalgic “old school” romance vs. Modern Romance? Do you think one way is better than the other? Why or why not?

Many of the themes from Modern Romance play out on-screen in Master of None, Aziz Ansari’s wildly popular Netflix show. If you’ve seen the show, did these portrayals change the way you thought about the book’s content?

Are there any themes that didn’t make it into Season 1 that you’re hoping to see in Season 2 (coming out sometime in 2017)?