Getting Roasted

"YOU WILL ROTH!"

“But Dad, I’m only 10.”

“Evan, it is never too early to start saving. Besides, this gives you 70-plus years of compounding.”

“Yes, Dad, but didn’t you tell me last week that I need a job and earned income to contribute to a Roth?”

“We can arrange to get you a paycheck. I’ll get a friend or neighbor to hire you. What would you like to do?”

“I like to play soccer.”

“Evan, I meant what kind of job are you interested in? You know, engineers have among the best long-term employment prospects.”

“Dad, stop! Shouldn’t I be thinking about today’s soccer game?”

“The game is still an hour’s drive away, so we have lots more time to talk about starting your Roth account.”

“You already told my two teammates and me all about Roth accounts when you drove us to last week’s game. Remember, you held me in that headlock to make sure I was listening.”

“Okay, enough about Roths. Have you opened your health savings account yet?”

My 24-year-old son performed the above soliloquy at our family’s Thanksgiving dinner last year. The performance included animated theatrics to imitate me driving, lecturing seriously, and holding him in a headlock. The family was in hysterics.

Evan continued his tirade about my supposed transgression of providing too much parental guidance on financial issues. “You will become an engineer,” he declared. As he started to run low on material, my 29-year-old daughter, Megan, joined the fray.

“And remember, it’s not just about Roths, but also asset allocation. You should be 100% in stocks when you’re young,” she said, using a deeper voice to imitate me, while wagging her finger in a parental-like scolding manner.

“But Dad, I thought you always advised to first set aside six months of emergency expenses.”

“Megan, you’re only 15 and don’t have emergency expenses.”

“Yes, I do. I need more Taylor Swift merch.”

“Okay, but don’t lose sight of your tax rate in each investment bucket. Capital gains are only taxed at 15%, but your income-tax rate could jump to 24% or even 32% by the time you start RMDs,” she said, while pantomiming a bunch of buckets.

“Dad, aren’t I too young to worry about RMDs?”

“Megan, have I ever told you about the inheritance step-up in basis?”

I was roasted more than the turkey. They also left me no opening to rebut my alleged over-parenting. On the other hand, the fact that my Gen Z and millennial children could so ably parody their retired father with his own financial diatribe provided me with a deep-down feeling of “thanks-giving.”

In the end, the only response I could muster was to stay completely in-character: “I presume you all have made your annual Roth contributions and already captured much of this year’s strong stock-market bounce?”

They had not.

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