Change Is In The Air . . . And a Bit of Manure Too

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The definition of change is to make or become different. My definition of change is an event that you know is coming and you resist it although it is inevitable and can scare the hell outta you sometimes.

All through my life, there have been changes, big ones and small ones.

One of the first major ones was when my grandfather died at only 55 years old. That was one of the toughest changes for me because he was very young, I adored this man, and he taught me how to fish along with my father. I remember being at his funeral and after I had gone up to see him in that weird box looking nothing like himself, my 8-year-old self lost it as I wept for the man that I loved floating up to heaven away from me.

The next change was watching my beloved dog get run over by a dude that was driving down our brick-paved street entirely too fast. That one hurt bad, y’all.

Our move to the South from the Midwest was probably the most difficult change I had ever experienced in my 13 years on the planet but in the end, it was the best change for my whole family with loads of opportunity heaped into it, but Lord not at first. I cried for 3 months and I didn’t know what on earth these Southern folks were saying with some of those thick Southern drawls. I love the South and I’m not going anywhere now, its my home.

Some of the changes along the way were easy but damn if some of them didn’t suck the life right outta ya, like moving away to college, living with a roommate that tried to kill you, trying to get into OT school, being involved in 3 drive-by shooting, and 2 stalkers. Life was a bit scary at college but again, in the end, the change got me a degree and now I have the job of my dreams and a company that I actually own to boot.

The change that I had to endure for 16 years, I literally was not myself for 16 years y’all because I had to behave, but it gifted me my two lovely children and although I’d not do it again because it was a living hell, I’d certainly knock the ex down and steal his sperm to get those two again, I really would.

One of the scariest but most exhilarating changes happened when I bought a whole house and a whole car all by myself when the kids and I were finally free of the beast. That house brought much-needed healing and tranquility to our fragile little lives and it took us a good year to get all the pieces put back into place, they weren’t glued yet, but they were at least in place.

Another change in the wind . . .

God granted me the best change since having the kids by putting the Professor into my life. For the first time in 17 years at this point, I was allowed to be me. At first, I didn’t know who “me” was because I had lost me so long ago but the Professor knew how to get me out and he did a damn good job of it. I am happier than I have ever been in my existence on the planet thanks to him.

Then the telogen effluvium attacked me after all of the stress had passed on and I was happily married, moved, and settled. Yes, I had the most severe case and found my entire body with no hair whatsoever after it fell out in chunks for 3 months until there was nothing left. That was one of the scariest changes in my life because not only was I bald, I had just married the Professor 6 months prior, and I feared he’d be disgusted by my ‘naked’ body that he would up and leave. Silly me, that’s not what unconditional true love does and that made me love him even more if that was at all possible. That man is my soulmate and I thank God he loves me, I feel so unworthy of his gentle kind nature. He bravely supported me through that horrid time and made me strong and believe that love can conquer all, even hair loss.

So here we are . . .

My eldest left for college last year and two weeks later, his daughter decided to move back in with her mother. These changes nearly crippled the Professor and I have never seen him as low as he became. It scared the shit outta me, y’all. Two kids gone within 2 weeks of each other is a lot to take into your heart and his is very tender y’all, it really is.

Change is in the air again . . .

I now have 2 Senior’s in high school, I don’t feel old enough for this as I feel like I’m still 22 years old. I also have 2 Sophomore’s in high school and a Sophomore in college. This is not possible if I’m 22 so when did this happen exactly?

My son and daughter both have significant others and the first time I saw each of them kiss their person, I was thrown all the way back to when they popped outta “my” person and now they were playing suck face with “their” person of significance. Wait a minute! I’m only 22 years old, this is not possible is it? Did I hold a blink for 17 years or something? Crap!

Now change doesn’t have to be just with your children or yourself, it can be in your surroundings as well.

For example, if the inspection goes well, I may have sold my Healing House after trying for 4 years. Just today, my daughter asked if she could walk back through it and while we were there, I was flooded with the memories that still live there. The memories of me and my two kids healing in that house together and facing our demons together and battling together. As my guest blogger, Dee wrote just yesterday, it was a fight all the way to regain peace, calm, and ourselves. To not be afraid anymore and not be abused. It was very freeing.

I also dated the Professor in that house and the memories I have are WOW!

Okay, so that manure smell in the title is the inevitable change that is happening behind our house as we speak. You see if you look at any past picture of any of us or the kids taken on the back porch, it looks as if we live in the country as we have several acres behind us that a little old lady lived on all her life probably and when she died, her children swooped in, removed her house, and stuck a for sale sign on the property. We were devastated at what could possibly go up behind our house and what all the wildlife would do or where they would live.

The property sold after sitting there while we enjoyed it for a year or so maybe longer, I lose time in situations like this, obviously, I still think I’m 22.

Cue the obnoxious front end loaders, dump trucks, and a ton of other tractor things I don’t know what they are called . . .

I couldn’t bear hearing them tearing down the trees, not cutting down so other folks could use them for wood, no they tore down those trees that have probably been there 100 years or more, it broke my heart and I couldn’t be outside in the backyard when it happened because that tearing sounded like the poor trees were screaming. This is like murder for a tree hugger like me, it really is.

Well, this was a farm for years and years and when the tractors started digging and moving shit around, 100 years and 100 layers of cow manure was unearthed and one could not go outside for a long length of time or this smell would envelop you and you’d nearly vomit or pass the hell out. I even had an OT mom that had dropped her daughter off for OT and then was going to push her baby around the neighborhood in the stroller while I saw her daughter for her session. Well, that lasted about 30 seconds as I witnessed her fleeing for her car and her stroller was on 2 wheels rounding the sidewalk corner as she moved faster than a Ninja getting her child and herself into the safety of her car. Bless her!

I feel bad because I have been glaring at the tree murdering, manure unearthing workers who are just doing their job but I hate them and what they are doing to my wildlife kingdom. I haven’t seen any of the red-tailed hawks, I’ll bet Mr. Pickles is pissed and has skipped town with his family, which makes me very sad, gone are the foxes, the rabbits, the deer, the owls, etc. I DO NOT LIKE THIS CHANGE AT ALL!

But this change pales to the one that will hit my heart with such force, I only hope I can bear it . . .

My son will be going off to college and again I think, “Um with me being only 22, how is this possible? Again, did I stay blinking my eyes closed for 17 years?”

Change is inevitable because we live in a dynamic, alive, breathing, goal setting, and getting ahead world so change is going to happen and is necessary. My kids both know there will me no failure to launch, that is not an option. If that happens, then I have failed as a mother. I believe that with all my soul.

I know I’m not alone with all the upcoming changes. I read my friend’s posts on Facebook and there are many of us sending kids off to high school, college, getting married, having babies, dying, etc. I am also not alone with my neighbors as we watch the “massacre” out our windows each day. Oh, my heart for all the changes.

Change will happen, it will, but the best way to deal with change is to attempt to find the good in it, and no, not good in it for you necessarily, I mean the good for all. For example, although I am bracing myself for the launching of my son to college next year, I am eager to see how he does. Has all my hard work with him paid off? Will he make it through successfully? What kind of mechanical engineer will he be? What kind of husband? Will he make the same mistakes I did or did he learn from me? What will his kids be like? I’m excited to see these questions answered but sad all at once.

Embrace change for it is inevitable, y’all, it really is.

Love y’all!!♥