Mono What?

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Have I mentioned that growing older can really suck sometimes, not that I’m old, as I feel I am still 22 years old, however, my eyes, I think, ran the marathon to my ripe ole age of 45 without the rest of me because apparently, they didn’t get the memo that I am only 22, not 45 in body and mind. I’m writing my damn eyes up, damn it, and I’m this close to firing them!

I wrote a blog awhile back about becoming enraged that one, my up close vision sucks and two, if I can’t find my reading glasses when I need them, I literally flip out and go for sharp objects to carry around with me on the hunt for who the hell has them or where on Earth did me or someone put them now.

I have 3,256 pairs of reading glasses because my family scattered in fear when they would hear, “WHERE THE HELL ARE MY READING GLASSES,” as I made my way to the sharp object holder in the kitchen. Well, that isn’t really healthy for anyone now is it so I bought a shit ton and they are everywhere now, however . . .

I HATE glasses. They hurt my nose, hurt my ears, squash my rather wide head, my ears are slightly crooked I think because they are never straight sitting on my nose, and sometimes if I push them too close to my eyes, my false eyelashes smash up against them and break loose and then I end up double fisted with sharp objects.

Well, while at the beach before Cindy decided to drop in, I was sitting next to my awesome sister in law on the beach talking about girl crap when vision came up because she had her phone out and wanted me to see a picture, which I couldn’t make out because I didn’t have my damn readers, and yes, as soon as I said the words, the Professor yells to the rest of the innocent family, “FLEE, RUN FOR YOU LIFE I KNOW HER, SHE WILL YANK THAT UMBRELLA RIGHT OUTTA THE EARTH AND STAB SOMEONE!”

My sweet sister in law looked perplexed and I like her so I didn’t want her to see me have one of my “episodes.” I squinted and strained to see the picture but it just looked like a colored blob. So, she launches into blah blah blah monovision blah blah blah bifocal contacts blah blah blah. I said, “Wait, I wouldn’t have to get stabby and I could ditch those stinkin’ glasses?” I could have kissed her sloppy-like on the mouth, well, we were drinking afternoon cocktails and were on our 3rd so anything was possible at this point, thrilled that this could actually be real! (Hey, sis-in-law, I would never have done that, I’m totally kidding, you know that about me.)

I told the Professor that as soon as we managed to get home, I was going to call about this because it was a freaking miracle sent from God and my sister-in-law.

So I did and went in this morning to be fitted for my single contact in my left eye. Um, this is the weirdest thing I have every experienced and my fear that it would kick in my motion sickness because motion sickness is essentially your eyes and vestibular system not communicating properly with each other therefore the output is awful.

I peppered the sweet eye girl about dominant vs non-dominant, vestibular disturbance, depth perception, headaches, and a bunch of other questions. As I sat there thinking, “What the hell have I gotten myself into here? How am I going to drive a whole car around like this? Will I have to close 1 eye at a time to see near and far?”

I felt damn drunk walking out of the office but I was reassured that I would get used to it and 8 out of 10 patients love it and adjust quite grandly. Well, I’m the opposite of a regular person. For example, years ago when that time of the month was coming, I had a big test and my time of the month was being very very mean to me so a friend of mine gave me Midol warning me that it makes people tired. I was in so much pain, I popped the pills not thinking about my irregular human beingness.

Well . . .

My teacher sent me to the office thinking I was high or on some sort of speed as I was literally bouncing off of the walls. It was scary but fun at the same time. I was so hyped up, I couldn’t take my test, that and I got sent to the office for a drug test, just kidding they didn’t do that. Once they established that the Midol must have done it and only after a phone call to my mom verifying my irregular human beingness, I was off the hook. I took the test later and ended up with a C, which is good for me in this particular class.

So, from what I have read the eyes will figure out their jobs and they will do all the work getting there for me . . .

I am sitting here only having been in my monovisionness for only 2.5 hours and I’ll have to tell you, I’m not going to fire my eyes because lo and behold, they have figured it out already and my headache is gone! Fancy that! This is the most “normal” thing to ever happen to me and I’m just so bloody pleased!!!

Thanks to the marvels of modern medicine, growing older doesn’t have to be horribly painful, you just have to try it out and give it a chance I guess. I am so thankful that I had this conversation at the beach with my sis-in-law otherwise I’d continue to grab sharp objects and frighten my poor family. They are thankful too, believe me!

Love y’all!!♥