A Guest Post From Sweet Dee

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Well y’all, just when I think I can’t be so honored anymore, my sweet friend approaches me to be a guest blogger on my site and post her heart y’all. This is good, go get your tissues, you are gonna need them. And to you my sweet Dee, you are one tough ass cookie and I’m honored to know ya!♥

Running from the Devil, Discovering Angels, and Finding Hope on the Other Side

Date: June 30th, 2017
LBL

Introduction:

To my absolute awesome friends,  immediate family, extended family, co-workers, and acquaintances, whom I have had the undeniable irrefutable pleasure of communicating with some of you on a daily basis while others not as frequent, however, most of you “think you know me”, but do you?…

I have contemplated for weeks if this would be a sound idea to unbar the passage gateway to my heart and life to write about such a deep personal experience due to such undue criticism that exists within people’s evil souls that will in return harshly judge my existence.  However, if it will help just one person, just one, it is worth writing, sharing and reading.  The desire is for an open mind and positive response with a realization that each one of us is, or has, gone through our own hell and there is hope, yes, there is hope, your own salvation and the warmest brilliant light at the end of the tunnel.

I dedicate this article to the love of my life, my son, and to my Lord and Savior, which has made it attainable for me to discover my path back as a survivor, stronger, resilient and more benevolent with a greater understanding.

I was raised in a small town with an indestructible Christian background (Presbyterian…then later in life Lutheran) and an even more indisputable work ethic (some call it stubbornness). I was saved when I was thirteen years old. I had always struggled with myself, depression, weight, self-image or fear of never being good enough. My parents were strict, however, gave me an excellent foundation.  Fast forwarding to 2012.  THE DIVORCE. THE MADNESS. The inevitable irreconcilable differences that had given me the worst beat down, how could anyone have survived the brutality nature of subjects? I did not, and do not believe in divorce and after seventeen years, one child it was happening…to me…. The reasons for the divorce are not even relevant at this point…How could this be happening I thought to myself?  Be strong and don’t look back I told myself. Move forward. One step at a time. Easy enough, right? Well no, it wasn’t. I went on an uncontrollable downward spiral each day becoming progressively worse, a self-sustaining vicious circle through my runaway thoughts. Was I sleeping in the Devils den? It sure felt like it.  The Devil had a stranglehold on me so tight I couldn’t feel my heart or breath, shear panic anxiety was taking permanent residency within me. Whether it is best for the divorce or not, it is never easy. My son was twelve years old at the time and was heartbroken. He is my miracle child after believing I could not have children then losing my first child and later after having a child, the choice to have any future children was medically taking from me. I was devastated.   I retained sole custody with his father having visitation rights. On the day his dad would pick him up from my house, I would fall to pieces on the floor for an entire weekend, crying and sleeping, not eating nor moving. All contact was reduced greatly on my part towards my family and friends. Resound screaming with no sound. Nebulous and depression had taken over my soul.  I prayed every night for God to just “end it” and take my life. I did not have the “guts” to do it myself. I truly believed the world would be a better place without me. Feelings of worthlessness, great pain and despair had set deep inside me.  Get your shit together just in time for your son to come home, don’t let him see you weak, I would tell myself. So to all my righteous friends and family, unless you have ever been to the bottom of hell with the devil, you don’t have any right to judge anyone that has been there, tried, or thoughts of suicide.  Suicide is not selfish in the mind of the victim; in the victim’s thoughts they wonder whether the world would be a better place without their wretched existence. Each day was a daunting task to make it through without incident. Missed meals, no strength, did I really want to die? Or did I just want the excruciating pain to subside…. I think we all just want the pain to go away and to know that we are truly loved. Our worth. Our value. Someone that won’t give up on us….. Don’t give up on yourself. Don’t keep putting yourself last. Honey, no one else is going to put you first but yourself and that by no means is selfish. Walk away for whatever isn’t healthy for you, even if that means particular friendships or situations. Surround yourself with support. I kept telling myself over and over again that even if no one else ever loved me again, that I know God loves me and that is sufficient for me. Every day, I said those exact words. I believed it and it helped me to regain perspective.

 Reality is, the world is not a better place without you, and it’s a better place with honest, caring, loving people like you. Yes, I said you.  Let’s think clearly now….how the hell did I ever find my way back without dying? One foggy day at a time, day after day, and I don’t mean without struggles along the pathway back to a normal existence. God carried me through my darkest, lowest days and I didn’t even realize it at the time it was happening.  One brick at a time, one day at a time. He brought friendships into my life and made existing friendships closer to help watch over me. My angels. My son. My reason for existence. He became closer to my heart, day by day; I began to get back to my foundation and beliefs.  I started going to a local “book meet” and we started the book “The Purpose Driven Life” “What On Earth Am I Here For” By Rick Warren.  I couldn’t get enough, chapter by chapter, was like my life was being renewed with a second chance.  After many obstacles and five years later I can finally talk and write about it because I am no longer anywhere near that dark hole and I am not ashamed.  I know my worth and value and I have learned to love myself and the woman I have become. I busted my ass to get to this place and no one will ever take this from me.  Love and happiness comes from within. Know that the only perfect love is Gods love. Understand people will be a disappointment to you at some point, no one is perfect. Forgive, love and always be kind to everyone. Most importantly, forgive and love yourself first and foremost. You see a happy person smiling all the time? Well maybe she isn’t always happy; maybe she is making the choice to be appreciative, positive and accept the grace and joy that God has given her despite the problems or situations that may arise in her life.  Don’t take friendships for granted and don’t assume or judge others when you clearly haven’t walked in their shoes. Make a difference. Make the world a better place and start with yourself.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 24/7 1-800-273-8255. Crisis and distress does not discriminate. You are either an asset to society or a nuisance… be an asset.  Build awareness. Have character. Show the mercy and kindness you would want shown to you. Every struggle is different, every story is different but the devastating feelings are the same.  Learn about prevention and the signs. Understand. Be an advocate.