Elaine N. Aron's Blog, page 7

What Happens When You Make a Herd of Highly Sensitive Horses and People?

I did not want to write about the HSP and Horses Workshops until I experienced a few of them. Now there have been three. The first two were one-day workshops, and the last one, in June, was two days, which we decided worked better for HSPs. At the bottom are some eloquent words from the participants. However, I would like to say something about the workshops, too.

Introductions

Here’s my memory of the June weekend. At 9:15 or so, when the participants arrive, the morning is cool. The corrals are sunny and quiet with six waiting horses. Inside the circle of Douglas fir and Bay trees, where we will talk and have lunch, it is still chilly. But hot tea and sweet rolls (including something gluten free) are waiting.

Our HS Extravert, Monica Zimmerman, Equine Specialist with EAGALA (Equine Assisted Growth and Learning, the foundation of our basic approach) drives up with the participants. She has put at ease the nervous HSPs in her van. (The facility is quite isolated, up a narrow road that does not allow much parking.) And we start to get to know each other during registration.

Alane Freund (certified EAGALA Therapist) and I are the introverts, but not with a small group of HSPs. We are passionate about these workshops. We are both therapists, but as I have said before, this is not therapy. Still it is about personal growth, which HSPs love to be involved in, and introverted HSPs can relish. Further, this is a chance for me to be with other HSPs in an intimate, casual way where I can be myself totally, even while answering any and all questions about high sensitivity in the course of two days.

The Herd: Horses, Participants, and Maybe Someday You

Naturally our first participants were mostly horse lovers, whether they had had any experience with equines or not. That was great. But I want to say something about why I think the workshops might be good for HSPs who have never been very interested in horses.

First, the horses. As a participant in these workshops, you’re never riding the horses, which means they are not, at least for the weekend, being dominated by humans. These particular horses are also not kept in stalls, when in fact they need to walk or run for miles every day, and not tortured in the various ways most horses are, including harsh bits and horseshoes that are hard on their feet. These EAGALA horses, even more than most, have been cared for “holistically.” They have large pastures where they can behave like horses, and are never struck. Above all, they have been doing EAGALA work for years, working face to face with humans who want or need to connect with them, all of which means they have been free to develop their own personalities and reactions.

Second, the participants. Just as the horses’ personalities have been free to become quite diverse, our human participants are of course very diverse, too. All HSPs are NOT the same. The herd of animals and people are highly respectful of that. Indeed, often workshop participants identify with a particular horse. Many of them have been rescued from difficult circumstances and during part of the last half of the second day we have sometimes told their histories. On occasion a horse has a history much like that of the person who felt some kinship with it.

The Entire Herd Is Highly Sensitive

Whatever their personality, all horses and all of these people are all highly sensitive (although some are even more so than others). For horses, sensitivity is required for survival. As you watch them, you begin to see how much it is an advantage for you, too. They show all four of DOES (the four aspects of being highly sensitive): Depth of processing and being easily Overstimulated, more Emotionally responsive, and sensitive to Subtle stimuli.

How do they show these? Although they can react quickly due to a subtle cue of threat or opportunity, as HSPs can, you can often see them processing the situation before they make a move. They can be very slow to decide what they want to do next, like we can be.

That they are easily overstimulated becomes obvious during the course of the workshop. We humans, with our feelings and actions, do bring them to a point when they clearly need (and get) down time.

Their emotional responsiveness and empathy means they can react quickly when one of them senses danger or an opportunity. But this responsiveness also gets applied in a more subtle way all the time, for example in these workshops.

Their sensitivity to subtle stimuli is even more intense than ours. Their sight, hearing, sense of touch, and no doubt their sense of taste and smell, are all finely tuned for their life in the wild (and some of these horses grew to adulthood in the wild).

Horses as Teachers

Of all of their traits, their emotional responsiveness and true empathy is what impresses us all the most. They sense what you’re feeling, whether you want them to or not, and respond with pure authenticity. Sometimes they mirror you, so that if you are confused, they are as well. If you’re relaxed, they are as well. Sometimes they are annoyed when you are not your authentic yourself, just as we can be by others who are faking it, and you can tell they are annoyed. They do not really know human politeness or shame. Yet they forgive and forget quickly if they sense you have changed.

They particularly do not like us when we are doing one thing and feeling another. To feel safe, horses need a clear leader. If we try to direct them but are ambiguous, they get nervous or might even drive us off. When we know what we want and are honest about it, they often choose to let us lead. And they show great empathy, especially when we are distressed. They are uncanny in knowing what the issue is. It makes you think they are operating on another dimension.

Sometimes we have a discussion right in the corral. One or more horses might join us, coming into our circle, provided our conversation is lively and honest. If we start intellectualizing, I have seen them turn their back ends to us!

A funny example happened when a group got tangled up while doing an activity. They just could not figure out how to accomplish it, which is always okay because we emphasize that there is no right way to do anything in the workshop, including getting it done in a certain amount of time or even doing it at all. But the humans were tense, having difficulty deciding whose suggestion to follow. We had put two other horses in a separate corral and as the workshop members struggled, all the time being super nice and polite yet clearly also miffed, these other two horses became more and more agitated (something we had never seen before), sensing the confused state of the humans.

Since many HSPs have taught ourselves to hide our feelings, it is good for us to have them brought to the surface by these creatures who miss nothing and hide nothing themselves.

Horses as Healers

In one workshop we had someone very afraid of horses. When we invited people to go into the corral with the horses (but getting close to them is not obligatory), she went in very tentatively and stood near the fence. One of the mares came up to her and very gently touched her. No one doubted that she’d come to reassure this woman.

In another case, someone had come to the workshop to “make up with” horses after years of avoiding them because someone very dear to her was permanently paralyzed in a riding accident. When she entered the corral, one of the horses came to her immediately and just stood gently in front of her. I feel fresh tears in my eyes, remembering that moment.

Finally, we are always experimenting with activities, and in one I had us stand in a circle and think about what for us was a sanctuary when overstimulated, and then we reflected on that, or imagined it vividly, or meditated on it. I wanted to see what the horses would do. Well, the horses meditated themselves. Alane and Monica, who have been at many EAGALA training workshops as well as knowing their herd well, had never seen horses standing so still. Furthermore there were six horses, and each one mirrored another horse, so that pairs were standing in exactly the same way. Not only were they demonstrating the profound relaxation of the entire herd, horses and humans, but I felt they were adding to it.

What Do We Actually Do?

I don’t want to reveal all of that, especially because we are still tinkering with the agenda. In fact, I think it will always be changing, according to the herd of horses and people on that day. But participants do work on observing carefully and sensing who, when, and how to approach any horse they wish to meet close up. They learn to recognize when any of the herd is overstimulated, and practice setting boundaries, the need for which becomes clear when you are around thousand-pound animals, even when they are being friendly. We focus on the horses’ sensitivity to nature and use that to develop ours even further. Sometimes we do activities bringing the entire herd together, horses and people, but other times participants are more on their own with a particular horse.

There is also time for journaling and reflecting, sometimes with particular experiences to reconsider. We found that the two-day workshop was especially useful for providing time to reflect overnight. Why so much reflection? Because it often takes time to realize what happened in you and a horse. It is simply remarkable to me how much one learns from interacting with these animals. I do not wish to raise expectations too high, however, because we three don’t feel very much in charge, except to set up situations for interaction and then to observe, while also looking out for anything that might become unsafe. The horses really decide what happens, all in response to you.

Comments from the participants:

“A huge therapeutic value, and it was a peaceful escape.”

“The horse mirrored for me that I needed to feel safe and reciprocated before I will enter a relationship.

It was very validating to have the horse wait for me until I was ready.”

“I loved the opportunity to be with Elaine in such a comfortable small setting… a highlight for me.”

“I love how you focus on the horses as our teachers.”

“Powerful and touching…especially with calm horses always supporting us… A profound learning experience.”

I can’t resist this one, too:

“I have spent many hours reflecting on my experiences and I have come to the conclusion that the collaborative effort of all three of you and all seven of the amazing horses is what made the weekend so memorable. You are like a dream team! I feel blessed to have experienced your magical workshop!”

If you’re interested in possibly attending a workshop, you can learn more here: www.equineassistedleadership.com

Emotional Regulation and HSPs

If we HSPs have a problem, we all agree it is overstimulation. But I realize that emotion and empathy, the E in DOES (Depth of Processing, Overstimulation, Emotionally responsive/Empathy, and Sensitive to Subtle), while not at all an inherent problem, can be an even bigger issue for HSPs, “for better and for worse.”

I have written often about emotion, but perhaps not enough. We feel so intensely. It is part of why we process everything very deeply—we are more motivated to think about things by our stronger feelings of curiosity, fear, joy, anger, or whatever. But this intensity can be overwhelming, especially when we have negative feelings. That’s why we need to learn emotional regulation skills.

What is emotional regulation? It is a fancy term for something simple that we all do, which is to consciously or unconsciously influence what emotions we have, when we have them, and how we experience and express them. Feel in a bad mood? Go for a walk. Feel silly but it’s not appropriate to laugh? Silence that chuckle.

Can we be more skillful at it? As with almost any skill, always. But note that the definition of emotional regulation is that a great deal of it is unconscious. That means it was usually learned in childhood or under duress. For example, when we are upset we may feel it is intolerable without knowing why, but maybe it is because as a small child we were left without help when we were having overwhelming emotions. Or we saw the adults around us being overwhelmed by their emotions, unable to control themselves at all, so why would we think we could do it?

On the other hand, many HSPs learned wonderful emotional regulation as children from their parents. These, too, are unconscious skills. Their skill may drive those having trouble to envy these others for their good moods and lack of anxiety. But whichever kind you are, you are you. You have to play the cards you were dealt, not those of someone else with better luck, so far. Likewise, if you have good cards, it is not fair to say to those with bad ones that they aren’t very good at the game. Luck is a huge component. But we can all do better.

HSPs Tend to Fail to Use Certain Strategies

As it happens, a research paper was just published in the Australian Journal of Psychology on “Is the relationship between sensory-processing sensitivity and negative affect mediated by emotional regulation?” (It is by Brindle, Moulding, Bakker, and Nedeljkovic, and you can read the abstract here.)

First, consistent with other research, these researchers found that HSPs are more aware of and have more negative emotions–depression, anxiety, feeling very stressed–than other people. Second, the answer to the title of their article and the important finding for you was that among many strategies that help everyone regulate and thus reduce their negative emotions, HSPs tend to do certain ones less. So, if you want to boost your emotional regulation, increase these five:

Accept your feelings.
Do not be ashamed of them.
Believe you can cope as well as others do.
Trust that your bad feelings will not last long.
Assume there’s hope–you can do something about your bad feelings eventually.

Why We Might Have Trouble with these Five

A huge factor causing HSPs to have trouble with these five, as the researchers found, is that we simply are more aware of negative feelings (of all feelings, but they did not measure positive ones). Perhaps some of us have had so many bad experiences that the typical strategies do not work. Maybe our negative feelings do last a longer time, darn it, and we cannot change them! Maybe these “attitudes” are just how it is for some of us, especially those who did not learn regulation strategies while young. The researchers did not look at the effect of the history of past negative experiences, especially in childhood, or the work one has done to heal these. If that had been taken into account, there might have been little association between negative effect, especially depression, and being an HSP.

On the other hand, HSPs tend to be higher on most measures of anxiety and being stressed, given the nature of the questions. Whatever our past, we worry (and rejoice and feel gratitude) more than others, and many of us are stressed by trying to manage in a non-HSP world. Still, we can apply the above five very well to anxiety and feeling stressed.

This is Not Your Fault, but There Are Things You Can Do

Very often the failure to use those five is, again, at least at first unconscious. So you may have to recognize these first—for example that you are ashamed of your negative feelings or it seems to you that they will go on forever. So perhaps just reading this will help to make these attitudes more conscious and available for you to change. In particular, clearly it helps to replace a sense of defeat with a little hope and confidence when looking for and applying new strategies. Perhaps the best place to begin is talking specifically to other HSPs who have truly struggled yet found answers. Hence our other blog post today, by a friend and colleague, one of the first HS men I ever knew well, who has found his own terribly important path through his lifelong depression and anxiety.

The bottom line is that emotional regulation can be learned. You can begin with self-help, unless you are having suicidal thoughts. Then you need help right away. Starting there, at the extreme, one way to regulate emotions that we often forget is through medications—it’s really okay if you need to and tolerate them. Just find a psychiatrist who is kind and understands high sensitivity, at least as soon as you explain it. Another way to begin is to see a good psychotherapist familiar with HSPs, who will help you find the best strategy for regulating your emotions, and if the first ones do not work, help you explore why and find new ones.

If you begin with self-help, you could learn meditation, which can dramatically help with depression. Here’s a recent testimony on Transcendental Meditation (TM) helping depression.

Continuing with “on your own,” you can search the internet for emotional regulation strategies (this one from the U.K. is not bad). You can read. I’ve been told that a good book for HSPs on anxiety is Dancing with Fear by Foxman.  But there are so many books and websites on reducing anxiety, depression, stress, and being happy that I cannot begin to review them here. Just explore. But do consider credentials and read reviews and comments. And remember that emotional regulation is actually a very individual matter. Try a variety of methods, ignore the heavy sales pitches, and watch for actual results. Do not feel hopeless or ashamed if something does not work for you. You are different; you are an HSP and unique as well.

Emotion Regulation for Me and You

I suppose I am writing about emotion also because, for reasons I will not dwell on here, I have been truly inundated by intense emotions since last April. Naturally I have some methods for coping that I will share, as I shared Alanis’s last month.  I want you to see that we are all individuals in the tools we have at hand.

One method of emotional reaction that scientists praise is distracting yourself through thinking about other things, especially turning to your work. I am not always so sure about this method. Yes, my emotions fade away when I start writing, researching an idea, or just reading research (I have to admit I love Scientific American). However, I’ve learned it’s not a great method in the long run because I tire out my brain, and the brain uses a great deal of bodily energy. Once I am tired, I have less tolerance of my negative emotions. So watch out for the kinds of distractions you use. Choose ones that are not highly depleting. Maybe funny TV or movies are not so bad. If you are an introvert, once you are tired, spending time with friends can also be depleting, although quiet time with an empathic friend can also help.

Rest, Rest, Rest

The point is, our emotions come through our bodies, for better and worse. Often we can change our emotions through changing our bodies, and our bodies are changed by our emotions. That’s why, again, I recommend a very restful type of meditation such as TM (transcendental meditation), downtime in general, time in nature, time in or near water, and plenty of sleep. These can change the body quickly. I have a friend who told me that recently he felt grumpy and just terrible, took a half-hour nap, and woke up feeling great! Rest is the basis of activity. Everything we think and do is determined by our state of consciousness, from tired and terrible to fully aware and just plain brilliant. These states change according to how we treat our bodies.

Indeed I like Rilke’s line, “no feeling is final.” In a moment, you are going to read his powerful poetical teaching, emotional regulation (I am pretty sure he was an HSP). But for now, the lesson is that usually a good night’s sleep improves things. If not, at least with a fresh mind you are better able to understand the reason for extreme negative emotions. Some feelings are inevitable, such as grief over a loss or fear of a truly threatening event, and only time will help. But many times we must look deeply into our complexes in order to bring our emotions under control or at least to tolerate them. I’ve written about complexes mostly in my books, the Workbook, The Highly Sensitive Person in Love, and especially The Undervalued Self, as “emotional schemas.” A clear mind helps in this.

Above all, after a rest we can often step back and see the big picture. Maybe the big picture comes from going out and looking at the stars, or seeing what troubles you now will not be important a year from now. If it is a problem in our world, remember that others are working on this too; or even that you can’t do much about it, given human nature. If it is about another’s need, maybe you just can’t help, but someone else can. If someone has hurt your feelings, maybe the person meant well but does not have the bigger picture of you.

Rest does not always work, of course. Nothing always works. But the more ideas you have for emotional regulation that works for you, the better off you are. I will continue this in a future post. Now to the poetic solution:

“Go to the Limits of Your Longing” by Rainer Maria Rilke

translation by Joanna Macy + Anita Barrows

God speaks to each of us as he makes us,

then walks with us silently out of the night.

These are the words we dimly hear:

You, sent out beyond your recall,

go to the limits of your longing.

Embody me.

Flare up like a flame

and make big shadows I can move in.

Let everything happen to you: beauty and terror.

Just keep going. No feeling is final.

Don’t let yourself lose me.

Nearby is the country they call life.

You will know it by its seriousness.

Give me your hand.

Book of Hours, I 59

4 Allies and Too Anxious Beat 1 Shade of Gray

This is a guest post by Spencer  Koffman, who is currently writing The Weaving Web (a book about Big History).

I grew up a highly sensitive boy in a loud, chaotic family. I was flooded with anxiety and depression. I coped by retreating into my room and shutting the door. By the time I was a teenager, I had already quit little league, guitar lessons, and many other social activities. If I ventured outside my bedroom, my danger alarms would shriek, so I took solace in the quietude of my safe space. My imagination roamed free, while my social life was under house arrest.

This was the beginning of the dictatorship in my psyche. Anxiety and depression paired into a formidable coalition, who ruled by making sure nothing even came up for a vote. It seemed like I didn’t have choices, the twin dictators were calling all the shots.

Anxiety and depression were a menacing duo. I experienced depression as a force at the back of my head that pushed my face towards the ground. Like bowing before a superior power, I surrendered and it disarmed me by sapping my life energy. Depression colored life one shade of gray. Like the Death Eaters in Harry Potter, depression sucked all hope out of me. On those rare occasions that I willed myself to step out in spite of depression’s grip, anxiety took over and tyrannized. Anxiety agitated my stomach in a jittery, acidic witches brew. After encountering anxiety a few times, “I’m out of here” became my way of life.

The twin powers of anxiety and depression had won. I didn’t make choices, they decided for me. Their biggest victory was to cut me off from my desires. My desires weren’t being fulfilled. Rather than suffer continual disappointment, after many times of not getting my needs met, I shut off desiring. I no longer was in touch with what I wanted. This was not some enlightened Buddhist state of non-attachment. This was a defensive suppression of my life energy.

I gave up, but even that wasn’t a choice. “Giving up happened” is a more apt description. In the political arena of desire, I never had a chance. Anxiety and depression were too powerful.

Many years have passed. I’ve learned a few things I’d like to share with you. Even if the specifics of what helped me don’t work for you, maybe something about my struggle will touch you or plant a few seeds of hope.

Like any good story about battling an evil villain, I encountered a few allies along the way. My first ally was Fairness. I had a fierce sense that life should be fair. All my life I’d heard “Life isn’t fair”, but deep down, I’d had an inner Martin Luther King, who clearly saw the power imbalance, was offended by injustice, and stood with the oppressed against the oppressor. This was true for oppressed peoples, and it was also true for my internal struggle against the tyranny of anxiety and depression.

Anxiety and depression were powerful bullies. My Fairness ally wasn’t strong enough to overcome them by itself, so I continued along the path.

The next ally I met was Curiosity. Because the twin dictators confined me to quarters, I had quite a bit of time to reflect. My boundless curiosity wandered into forbidden territory. I imagined a more fulfilling life, fantasized about ways to defeat the enemy and wondered why my enemy existed.

Curiosity introduced me to my third ally, The Big Picture. The Big Picture gave me an expansive view of anxiety and depression’s role in this archetypal drama. Suddenly, I wasn’t on the hero’s journey battling an evil monster—my shadow was trying to help me.

Anxiety and depression weren’t trying to harm me, they were only trying to keep me safe. I had survived quite a few childhood traumatic wounds. I had learned early on that the world is an extremely dangerous place. Anxiety and depression dutifully responded by doing what they could to protect me from harm, even though their over-protectiveness turned me into the bubble boy.

Unfortunately, insights from my allies did little to change my life. Anxiety and depression had become part of the architecture of my psyche. It was not easy to change. Lacking flexibility, anxiety and depression were unresponsive to my realizations, and therefore unwilling to abdicate their throne of power.

So, Curiosity started working overtime. Reflection showed me that my anxiety was a danger alarm set to go off at the slightest provocation. The alarm sounded when there was danger, but it is also went off when there really wasn’t danger. I wished I could readjust the setting to only signal when there’s actually a dangerous situation, but it was hard-wired. I didn’t have access to the thermostat to change the setting.

I had a miscalibrated alarm making major life decisions for me. I wanted some say in my life choices. I wanted my life back! And, still that wasn’t enough to change the status quo.

Enter my last ally—Death. Death is the great teacher and is a close relative of The Big Picture, only in more shocking garb. Death puts life in perspective. Death makes time real. Death is like staying at a hotel that doesn’t post the check out time. You know it’s going to end, you just don’t know exactly when.

Death came to me in the form of dear friends dying. As I write this some are gone and some will soon be gone. And, I too, someday will be gone—and that woke me up. I foolishly believed I had plenty of time, and I don’t. (Even if this is one incarnation of many, this is the only life I have being Spencer). If I am here for something—to love, to express, to help—then now is the time.

It never felt like I had a choice. It seemed as if depression and anxiety were in charge. But, I do have a choice. I can choose anxiety instead of depression.

Depression is the default setting. Depression is a mini-death, it keeps me safe by depriving me of energy and hope. But, I can act in spite of depression. Venturing outside the casket of depression opens the floodgates of anxiety.

Over time, I have found that I am able to tolerate more anxiety than I previously believed possible. Usually, anxiety is a false alarm. It is a screeching siren that makes me instinctually want to retreat back into the numb slumber of depression. But, I choose anxiety over depression. I choose to live my life and tolerate the discomfort of anxiety.

For example, there was a lecture I wanted to attend. I was having anxiety leading up to going. A lot of anxiety. I knew if I went, I could just sit in the back and listen. Nothing was required of me (no socializing). There was no real danger, but I was extremely nervous. Rather than sit home and regret missing it, I applied what I’d learned. I decided to go and tolerate my anxiety. I knew I’d have a lot of anxiety and it would be painful, but I also knew (from experience) that I can be with the anxiety and tolerate it. I did go, and I had a lot of anxiety. It subsided at times, but it didn’t go away. What was important was that I didn’t run away. I claimed a small victory. The lecture was disappointing, but I acted courageously.

This is an ongoing process, but the fact that it is a process has been a major life transition. Before, I was stuck in a rigid structure. Now, there’s movement, something alive can happen.

It isn’t easy, and I’m not free of the anxiety. (By the way, I’m not against medication, it’s just that it hasn’t worked for me). I’ve been more successful in choosing anxiety to make life changes having to do with friendships, socializing and career, than I have in finding love. My life is a work in progress.

What I have shared is so real, it is raw. I think that’s why (sometimes) it works. I wrestle with my shadow. That’s why it might not work for you. It is my life struggle, it’s not a self-help formula to cure everyone. But I am hopeful that it inspires you to take a step on the journey. After all, you never know what ally you might meet when you step on the path.

Spencer Koffman is currently writing The Weaving Web (a book about Big History). He is a retired Marriage Family Therapist, entrepreneur, and co-founder of Planetary Philosophy at http://www.planetaryphilosophy.com. You can email him at spencer202122@gmail.com

Let the Market Decide–and You, the “Consumer,” Be Well-informed

As the trait of high sensitivity becomes better known, naturally there are many people talking about it on the Internet, often with websites and YouTube dedicated to your sensitivity or your child’s. Many people and entire institutes now offer services, courses, or books, often with new ways of thinking about or working with high sensitivity.

To avoid any question of infringement or to help them look different, they also may create a new name for the trait but still use a description or questionnaire that is basically the HSP Self-test in new guise. We seem to be in a new, expansion phase with this trait, which is quite good news, really. We are now visible. But it comes with some risks to the public.

I agree with much of what I see and hear about, but frankly, some of it makes me a little worried or even angry. However, just as I refused to trademark “highly sensitive” because I wanted the idea to belong to everyone, especially researchers, I have not wanted to “police” those who now use it. One good reason that I don’t is that there could be things out there that I don’t like very much, yet are very helpful to some of you. Nor can I know enough about all these people and websites to approve or disapprove in an informed way. I know only of a few well, and of those, the ones that I do happen to know and both like and trust, I do let you know about on this website. But it is hardly a complete list. Above all, I do not post a “beware” or “not approved” list, even though, truthfully, from the beginning there have been cases in which I wanted to.

Instead my policy has been to follow the advice of a trusted friend, who early on said, “Let the market decide. People will start to follow some directions and began to avoid others quite naturally without your having to be involved.” I like this approach, but I realize that this policy leaves HSPs free to get involved with people, ideas, or treatments that are not ideal for them. Especially with social media and the Internet, those with social media savvy, good technical skills, or polished writing can present misinformation in a way that looks impressive, yet is not based on any solid research on sensory processing sensitivity, the research term for high sensitivity, or the related concepts of differential susceptibility (Jay Belsky, Michael Pluess) or reactivity in children (Thomas Boyce and collaborators, who also speak of “orchid children,” but not “indigo children”).

Of course, HSPs sharing personal experiences and wisdom can be very nurturing, but more care must be taken when money is being made. The market place. So, I worry about this. Is there anything I can do at all to help? Perhaps I can make you a more informed consumer!

Credentials? Psychotherapy, Counseling, Coaching

Let’s begin with credentials. Credentials are no guarantee, of course, but someone who is trying to look qualified when they are not is a sure red flag. If someone wants to offer you help, what kind of help are they qualified to give? Please look closely and ask questions. Counseling or psychotherapy should only be offered by those who are licensed in their state, province, or country. Counseling can be a gray area in some places, so it may be okay to practice without a license. In that case you can at least ask where the person received their graduate degree in counseling. If they did not study through an accredited program that seems to be generally recognized as solid, they lack credentials.

Counseling is oriented a bit more to the present issues, including vocational, marital, or temperament counseling (not every counselor can do all of these–find out his or her specialty). Psychotherapy is intended to go deeply into problems or symptoms that have been with you for a while, and probably have their roots in your childhood. The approach may be present oriented, such as cognitive behavior therapy, but it is applied to deep obstacles, including depression or anxiety. These are sometimes best treated with a combination of therapy and medication.

Those who are prepared to do psychotherapy are clinical psychologists, who will have a doctorate degree, plus licensed clinical social workers, licensed marriage and family therapists, and some licensed professional counselors. They will have a graduate degree, usually a master’s degree, and all of the above will have received further training in an internship, usually thousands of hours. Watch for that license.

Some psychiatrists (that is MDs specializing in the treatment of mental illness) also offer psychotherapy. But since their main training is in knowing the right medications to prescribe, some are actually not very well trained in psychotherapy. Some are. The point is, be well-informed. Ask questions of anyone you plan to see, about what they will do, how they were trained to do it, and if they are licensed.

There are several types of psychotherapy, each quite different, although some therapists use all the methods according to the needs of the client. I wrote about these in the Highly Sensitive Person, but there are a few new ones. If a therapist mentions one of these, you can search it up on the internet. Especially be sure to ask how, and if, they might work with the particular concerns you are bringing to therapy. Equally important, you want to choose someone who is a good match and well recommended by people you trust, preferably those who have actually been their clients (some call them patients). This person will have a major effect on your life if you stay with him or her for a while. I’ve written about choosing a therapist in an appendix to The Undervalued Self, which was posted on Huffington Post.

Coaching is Unregulated

There are also more and more coaches offering to help HSPs. Coaches receive much less training than those who are licensed to do psychotherapy, but that is all right as long as they at least limit their practice to what they know. They are trying to do something different. They are trying to help you to formulate personal or professional goals that are the right ones for you and to develop the behaviors that will allow you to reach your goals. It’s best if the coach you choose is a certified by a well recognized organization (you can find out more about a coach’s certification through the internet).

Be very careful. Unlike licensed professions, coaching is not government regulated anywhere, as far as I know. Perhaps in Europe. I found one website where you could become a coach and be certified for $69. The online life coach course would supposedly provide all the knowledge you will need for the profession, as well a certificate to display on your website and letterhead and in your office. In short, after the online course you can call yourself a certified life coach. Hmmm. Maybe ask for some references from satisfied clients at least.

If you discover that you are not making progress through being coached, or even in therapy, it is important to discuss this with the person you are working with. Even with great coaches, sometimes a client is not making progress. Usually this is because there are deeper or unconscious obstacles (actually, defenses) that are preventing you. Do not try to work on those with coaches, as that is not what they are trained for and you will be wasting your money trying to change behaviors that cannot be changed or at least not in this way. Most coaches are very aware of the difference between psychotherapy and coaching and are happy to refer you to a good therapist. Allow them to.

HSP Knowledgeable?

Whether coach or therapist, you hope that your professional will be aware of what it means to be highly sensitive. If they are not, it’s up to you to inform them. If they doubt you are interested in something valid and don’t wish to be informed, move on. If they do want more knowledge, you can try to explain, but also ask them to read Psychotherapy and the Highly Sensitive Person (Routledge, 2012) or watch the DVD for professionals, A Live Seminar On Psychotherapy and The Highly Sensitive Person. If they do that, encourage them to add themselves to the list of therapists and coaches who are “HSP knowledgeable” on this website.

Indeed, this list could be a good place for you to begin your search if there is someone in your area. But there are, of course, some good coaches and therapists who are HSP knowledgeable and do not happen to be on this list. On the other hand, even people on the list may not be good coaches and therapists in other ways. I do not know most of them so I cannot vouch for them in that sense ways. People who wish to help other people are almost always empathic, kind, and have good social skills. You may like them right away. But you still have to look under the hood to know if they are really good at what they do, and good for you, with the issues you are facing.

All the Rest

Another new trend is that more people are offering their insights about high sensitivity on commercial websites (those with ads), in books, or in magazines. (Free advice is another matter, usually more easily taken or left because the person is not trying hard to persuade you.) It’s important to consider whether their claims are backed by research, and if there’s no research on this point yet, do their ideas fit with what is already known? Above all, when the ideas stray from what you have heard from me, most of which is based on research or a great deal of experience, I would then ask myself, “What do they stand to gain by making these points?” Do they want to sell a book by making it sound different from what is already out there? Do they need to say something for the publication they write for that sounds very sensational? Do they want to treat you for something or sell you something for your health? Is this just a good way for them to pull in new customers for their service or produce? If being an HSP drew them to help other HSPs, how much training have they acquired before setting out to sell their services? And looking closer, can you see if they just have some vested interest that is more personal, in that they want or need the world to agree with them on this point of view?

In particular, be careful when people suggest that high sensitivity is a disorder or related to disorders such as autism, Asperger’s syndrome, or Sensory Integration Disorder. Certainly a person who is highly sensitive could have some behaviors that look like these disorders or even also have such a disorder. They might even be mislabeled as highly sensitive when something else is the real issue. But people with any disorder or any other condition, such as Down syndrome, still will have temperament traits, such as being or not being highly sensitive. But a highly sensitive person should evidence all four characteristics: depth of processing, being easily overstimulated, emotionality that includes a high level of empathy, and being sensitive to subtle stimuli. In particular there are several disorders in which being easily overstimulated is common. But without the other three, it is by definition and by research not the innate trait we are talking about.

Those who claim high sensitivity is not something you are born with but arises in certain environments are talking about something else, whatever they call it. (Although Thomas Boyce and Bruce Ellis have a theory on how the trait arises that is still being tested and still holds that it is partially innate and decided in the first few days after birth.) Solid research by respected individuals, published in “peer reviewed” scientific journals, are difficult to read, but I will try to keep you informed as it unfolds.

Bottom Line: Because high sensitivity is a new and growing field, of interest to many, quite a few wish to expand their professional practice as helpers, writers, or workshop leaders. Because many people who want to work in these professions are highly sensitive themselves, it is understandable that people are rushing to fill an opening that has appeared in their professions and on the Internet. Again, that’s potentially wonderful. But this marketplace is not regulated. So I want you to be informed when you go shopping, or when you encounter someone who thinks you ought to be.

Alanis Morissette, Love, Emotions, You, and Me

Some of you are probably curious about how Alanis Morissette is taking part in the documentary being made on HSPs. Or, if this is news to you, how she came to be in the film. Alanis reached out to Will and Diana Harper, the Director and Producer (my email address being notoriously difficult to find, intentionally). This delighted us, as she is an important figure to many people, for many reasons. We interviewed her in December at her Malibu Beach home. Okay, so maybe you are curious about how that went.

It went fine. Actually, I am not prone to just write about someone. I want to respect a person’s privacy. If I’m going to write about Alanis, at least I want this to have some substance and be something that she would like. (Since I wrote that, she has read this and, very sweetly and thoughtfully, expressed to me how moved she was by it–she wanted that last part in here!) The substance here may be the effect of Valentine’s Day (or of all the attention my husband’s research has been getting in the news lately, because I decided to write about Alanis and love, and then expanded it to emotion in general because it is such a huge topic for HSPs, who feel so deeply about everything. Indeed, it expanded so much that it now is in two parts, with the second coming in February and focused on “emotional regulation” and new research on that and HSPs.

Love as Three Scoops

What is love? There are many kinds of love–love of things, love of humankind or of all beings, love of God, game-playing “love,” etcetera. But the kind of love I mean here is for one other person, although there may be many towards whom you feel this of love. You want to be around the person (there is an attraction, a “vibe”); you want to know all about the person; and you want to help the person as much as possible. “As possible” is crucial, because you must take into account your own needs as well. But increasingly the other’s needs are also your own needs because you have “included the other in yourself” (one finding of the research my husband and I have done on love). If you just like a person, the three are still true, but not as strong.

I have developed this three-part definition of love and liking because I find some people are confused by other people in their lives who say they love or like them but do not show these three behaviors.

Of course the three are not rigid ideas. We might like or love a person so much that we would choose not to be around him or her, as when a child is ready to leave home or a student ready to graduate and we encourage that out of love. We might give up wanting to know all about a person if the person does not want to be known, at least not yet. We often are not in a position to help someone we like or even love. But when we start out being attracted to or wanting to become friends with someone, we usually mean to have these three and hope the other will towards us.

Love as a Source of Strong Emotions

Sometimes love is thought of as an emotion. “Wow, I love him so much!” But love is actually a motivation (to do the three things above), so that it can give rise to many emotions, such as joy, yearning, fear, anger, the excitement of discovery, grief, shame, curiosity, guilt, and pride. In fact, love and liking are probably the biggest cause of all our emotions. It plays a large role in our evolution and survival, in that love causes us to raise children rather than simply leave them as eggs to take care of themselves, and both fathers and mothers contribute to raising a family because they love each other–they want to be around each other, to know about each other, and to help all they can.

Personally I think more and more love is where we are headed as a species, at least I hope so. We are one of the most loving of all species already. We not only raise our young together, but cooperate in many ways with each other because we love or like each other. Love is in competition with some other human qualities, of course, that are not so lovely. But I hope “love will triumph.”

How Alanis Regulates Strong Emotions

A simplified definition of emotional regulation is to feel the right emotion for your long-term wellbeing, at the right time, and in the right intensity for you. HSPs, having so many strong and subtle emotions, must develop emotional regulation, especially early in life, but throughout life. We can learn some of the fine points of emotional regulation from lyricists and poets like Alanis, and artists of all types, who need to be aware of their emotions because so much of art is about the expression of a basic emotion in a new way. In the case of Alanis, she told me that she usually writes a song in less than an hour, because it is the expression of her emotions at the time. Often expressing emotions leads to the artist seeing more deeply into the nuances and origins of the feeling, another part of emotional regulation. This can work for you, too. Indeed the growing field of art therapy depends greatly on this principle.

Because emotions are their tool, artists do not feel negative about negative emotions, another important part of emotional regulation. HSPs also need to accept whatever they feel rather than feel additional shame, fear, or anger about having the emotion. And if there IS shame about the feelings they feel, that they have the capacity to fly in the face of that shame and express their feelings anyway. This could be why many artists are often credited as “being so brave”. Finally, often artists have learned they can tolerate strong emotions, also essential to emotional regulation. HSPs need to learn that confidence as well. We will survive this wave of feeling.

Since artists are often expressing emotions stirred up by love, they help us regulate the emotions specific to love as well, vicariously. In our first HSP study (published in 1997), we asked and found it to be true that HSPs report feeling love more intensely than others. When we have fallen “head over heels” or lost someone we love, or been rejected or betrayed, poems and songs about the resulting feelings make us aware of how we feel, make us feel okay about feeling so intensely because we are not alone, and help us tolerate these tidal waves of emotion by finding out others also have them. (Although sometimes poems and songs also stir things up, so we need to know when to stop listening, too.)

Lessons from Alanis on Handling Criticism

However, artists are troubled by other sources of intense emotion besides the ones they sing about. One is familiar to HSPs–handling criticism. Like love, criticism can lead to many emotions, but especially shame, guilt, anger, fear, and depression. Even the kindest criticism can still be difficult for an HSP to receive because, by nature, take it so seriously. We are designed to take every opportunity to improve our “cognitive maps” through feedback from the environment. We evolved to pay particular attention to negative feedback (“so you say that didn’t work”) because it is often the quickest and most important way to correct a mistake. (Although, in many work or social situations, HSPs usually learn even better from positive feedback, as it is keeps us within our optimal level of arousal, which means we learn better).

Anyone in the public eye is a target for constant criticism, but Alanis gets it from both barrels: she is a famous artist and an HSP. Sometimes critiques of one’s work, such as art work or a performance, are valid, at least from the critic’s viewpoint, as an expression of the person’s own reaction or in comparing one person’s work to another’s. Sometimes criticism is even constructive, helping improve the communication of emotions or ideas.

Sometimes, however, criticism can be hostile and actually violent. These critics are perhaps envious, thoughtless, seeking public attention, or worse, perhaps a psychopath enjoying the power he or she has over others, especially through the internet, as we have seen with cyber-bullying. This type of intentionally harmful criticism is becoming much more common, according to Alanis.

HSPs take note: Alanis has learned to avoid all types of public criticism as much as she can, and often has her friends and colleagues vet articles, etcetera, before they send them to her, in order to separate the feedback that is helpful and validating from the more derisive or cruel bullying. Even public opinion about her music she does not take too much to heart, because she wishes her music to express what she wants to express, which are her own emotions and perspectives, not what other people want her to express. She is aware that what she expresses will often bring up a lot for the people listening, and is okay with that, as she sees artists as default activists…inviting people to define themselves in accordance to the art. That’s a pretty good lesson for all of us when we as HSPs wish to express our deep feelings and insights to the wider world.

What about useful criticism? She has friends and family who can tell her when she is missing something, of course, and fellow artists and producers she collaborates with to provide feedback about her art. But when criticism of her music, behavior, or values comes from people who can hardly know her or her goals, she does not look at it. She lets others show her the articles that accurately capture the essence of what she was expressing (as a way to mirror and support her) and report anything else truly useful to her.

Love as the Antidote to the Ill Effects of Fame

Another social emotion that Alanis has to deal with is the pride and egotism that comes with fame, as well as the overstimulation. I don’t think any well-known person can escape these feelings without active effort. After all, we are designed to take in all kinds of feedback. And we naturally rank ourselves among others. If someone tells us we are the best, what do we do with that? The trouble is that this feedback is largely the projections of others, also quite natural: “You have saved my life” (rarely the case), “I can’t live without your art” (not likely), “You are the best ever” (until someone else comes along). We all know so many public figures, especially entertainers, who have let fame destroy their personal lives or their bodies, to the point of actual death. The intense energy leads to overstimulation, requiring drugs for sleep or stress-relief, and then the drugged sleep and general exhaustion requires stimulants to “get it on” and perform as expected. It seems to be a huge risk for many successful performers, and of those, many are HSPs, from my own observation and also Alanis’.

For Alanis, fame as a very popular singer began when she was still in high school, but she was wise enough not to release her music outside of Canada, her homeland. By the time she was 21, however, she had moved to Hollywood to develop collaborations that would help her mature as an artist, and her album Jagged Little Pill was released internationally.  It sold more than 16 million copies in the U.S. and 33 million. Back in Canada the album was certified “twelve times platinum.” She moved to Los Angeles and all the rest of the story of her art, some of it highly controversial, unfolded.  If you read her history, you will be amazed that she survived as an HSP.

This is where love comes in for Alanis. If you truly love other people, again, you want to be around them, to have time for them; you want to know as much about them, which means more time away from the limelight and more of the spotlight on them; and you want to help them if you can, which might mean using your fame to help others, but also sacrificing time for your art to do things for others. This is all the opposite of egotism. Basically, assuming you respect the person you love, you can’t also feel overbearing personal pride around that person for very long. That’s ranking, and the other is love or linking.  Both ranking and linking are natural instincts, and doing better than others (fame) naturally pulls us into ranking mode. If, however, you list the people who make you feel good and those who make you feel not so good, the first list is almost always of people with whom you link, the second list is usually of those in which ranking predominates in the relationship, even if you are on top. Hence love again triumphs.

Alanis told me, and probably many others, that as she has matured she has learned that love and relationships are the most important thing to her. Even when she is performing, her relationship to the audience has become paramount. Interestingly, she feels she’s mostly singing to HSPs now, who are often choosing to risk overstimulation by sitting in the front row. And she loves connecting with them. Indeed she says now that the concerts in which she ends with a dialogue with the audience are the most satisfying for her.

Love especially protects her because she makes her husband and parenting her child (including home schooling or “unschooling”) such high priorities. After giving birth, Alanis (who is self-admittedly “obsessed with the stages of development”) noticed her natural style of motherhood fell into the category of attachment parenting, wanting to give her child the best possible start in life. I don’t think she means the extreme of attachment parenting, which would be having the child’s body in contact with yours 24 hours a day–we also talked a great deal about highly sensitive parents and how much they need down time. What is meant by attachment parenting is making certain that an infant or young child always has a dedicated, loving caregiver close at hand. Alanis has made sure that her son has been surrounded by a committed and loving community, on top of her and her husband being consistently present.

All this love really takes time away from what it takes to stay famous. It seems, though, that successful entertainers who can maintain a good, private family life make it through.

Wisely, Alanis also spreads her love out into the world rather than putting all her love “in one basket.” For example, she promotes both the scientific side and the practical side of attachment parenting. And she is now also choosing to help empower highly sensitive people, like herself! You will like her response to our question, “What is your one message to non-HSPs?” She came right back with “Have Mercy!” Two simple, well-chosen words from a true poet.

What else does Alanis do to regulate her intense emotions? She meditates and takes other quick snatches of alone time. When she arrives wherever she will perform, she immediately searches out where she will be able to be absolutely alone when she needs to be. She has made use of high quality psychotherapy when she needed to, and is very knowledgeable about Jungian psychology and her “parts,” including her own shadow. She eats with care, after overcoming an eating disorder. These are all too typical among women performers. And sometimes she just gets into a warm bath, lights candles, and talks kindly to herself! Try it.

On Having an Invisible yet Definitive Part of Yourself

Have you ever felt invisible as an HSP? Of course you have. You are.

I have sometimes said that high sensitivity affects all aspects of life, social and otherwise, as much as one’s gender affects one’s life, but gender is visible and sensitivity is invisible. Other examples of fairly permanent characteristics that are largely invisible are high I.Q., being wealthy, being color blind, or having a prosthetic limb or breast reconstruction. These can give the people possessing the invisible characteristic the feeling that they carry a secret that eventually must be disclosed to intimates, but when? And what about the reaction?

Of course now and then we who are highly sensitive ourselves can tell when someone else is. However, people who are not highly sensitive have often asked me, “So how do I know if someone is highly sensitive?” They are finding us to be invisible.

I find that difficult to answer, since we really are not visible in the ordinary sense; but I try because I guess I do not want us to be so totally invisible any longer, at least to those who are interested in finding us. So I say that as you get to know someone better and better, the signs are clear. Highly sensitive people are typically good listeners, need more down time, are bothered by noisy or crowded places, may want to do novel things all day (they can be high sensation seekers) but then want to go rest in the evening, notice things that others miss, cry easily, are upset more than others by injustices, feel more joy and compassion, are conscientious and loyal, fussy too, tolerate caffeine poorly, feel pain more, are slow to make decisions, and see the larger consequences of plans and actions. None of this can be seen right on the surface, but it does not take long to find these qualities if you are looking.

Often, at least in the past, we have preferred to be invisible. Many parents have asked me if they should tell their highly sensitive child or his or her teachers or relatives that this child is highly sensitive. Others ask me if they should tell the person they are dating or even engaged to about their trait. Some people have read The Highly Sensitive Person with a brown paper bag book cover so that no one would know. Clearly we have felt we needed to be invisible.

Our invisibility may have some good evolutionary reasons. If highly sensitive animals, including humans, were always the ones to spot the good stuff, such as the most nutritious food, our going off to enjoy our cache required that we be invisible in the sense that the others did not notice us leaving. A mating strategy for sensitive males in some species is to mate with the choicest female while the other males are off fighting or recovering from fighting. That works better if the tough guys have hardly noticed you. Sensitive animals may generally feed in more hidden places, yielding the best dining spots to the pushy ones in order to avoid a fight and possible injury. However, during a food shortage these sensitive animals are the only ones who know the hidden spots where food can still be found. At those times it’s best to be invisible as you sneak off to eat.

Or there’s my favorite. We often know shortcuts to get around traffic jams, but those are not short cuts if everyone knows them. If your car had a red flag on it, signaling HSP Driver, you would have every car following you as soon as you made a turn off the main highway. In short, if all HSPs were taller, shorter, fatter, thinner, or had redder hair than others—or had any other sign of our trait—it would be less of an advantage.

Now, however, using all sorts of media, including the documentary under production that is appropriately titled Sensitive: The Untold Story, and in our day-to-day lives as well, we HSPs are choosing to tell the non-sensitive 80% of the world’s population that we exist, so that they actually can now follow our lead to the better things in life that we have noticed and they have not so far. The problem is that they cannot find us unless we continue telling them that we exist and who we are. We still have the choice, however, as to when and where to say we are highly sensitive and what good stuff we will tell about, and what we will keep our little secret!

 

Director and Producer of Sensitive: The Untold Story

Guest blog post by Will and Diana Harper

On Sept 19, 2014, our Kickstarter supporters and a few private donors made it possible for us to start what has become the first feature documentary on HSPs. Two months later and thousands of miles; 15 cities; probably 50 planes, trains, and automobiles; and close to 40 interviews with scientists, experts, and real people from all walks of life, we are approaching our last production phase. Filming will take place between San Francisco Bay area and Los Angeles and will include reenactments, signature stylized cinematography, and an interview with 7-time Grammy award winning singer Alanis Morissette. What a way to wrap up the production and 2014!

The network of researchers and scientists who study HSPs stretches across continents and cultures. For example, we were in Denmark with Paula Bohr, the granddaughter of Nobel Prize winner for atomic physics Niels Bohr; in Switzerland with Dr. Maya Braem, a highly sensitive researcher of veterinary medicine at Bern University; in Germany with Prof. Maike Andresen of Bamberg University, who incorporates the principals of high sensitivity in her business training; in NYC with Dr. Michael Pluess, who is known (along with Jay Belsky, one of our next interviews) for his breakthrough discovery of differential susceptibility; and in Washington DC with the world renowned Dr. Stephen Suomi, of the National Institute of Health, whose revolutionary study of highly sensitive rhesus monkeys significantly shaped the way we understand the trait. This is just the tip of the iceberg of the high quality material with which we will be able to work in making the film.

Will and Diana