Elaine N. Aron's Blog, page 4

Notes from a Highly Sensitive Person of Color – By Will Harper

I was born a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) and a Person of Color (POC) in the good ole’ USA. My mother was a beautiful and caring ethnically mixed HSP, Josephine Valorie (French, Native American, and Caribbean) and my father was, unfortunately, a confused, Black, non –HSP, whom I will call Mr. Man. My Mom is 91 and living alone, but not lonely, in San Jose, California, near my caring and loving HSP sister and brother-in-law (Barb and Keith). Mr. Man is dancing with the devil six feet under.

When I was five years old, Mr. Man was abusive towards my Mom. After one of his binge drinking sessions, we caught him cheating on my Mom, and I was the snitch. As a result, a quarrel broke out.  As he was on top of my Mom and beating her with his bare knuckles, I, not knowing what I was doing, tried to stab Mr. Man with a pair of my round-nose, arts and crafts scissors.  I was unsuccessful! Soon after that episode, my Mom got him moved out of our home, thank God! Years later he finally got his–his HEART gave out! Physically for him and both physically and metaphorically for me.

Ok, eeeeeeeeenough! I will STOP the rant. I am just saying, so you know that I am a little broken from that episode in my life. As I matured, my Sensitive mechanism, D.O.E.S (Deep thinker, Overstimulated easily, Empathetic and Sensitive to subtleties) kicked in, and I tried to forgive him.  However, it has been painfully hard.  The aftershock is still nagging me. Even when I look in the mirror, I would sometimes see glimpses of his face agonizing. I am sure some of you can relate.

Guided by Martin Luthur King Jr.

Fortunately, I grew up under the voice and indirect tutelage of Martin Luther King Jr. His spoken words touched me deeply and must have awakened me to some extent. However, I searched for some truth to free me from the shackles of the Mr. Man prison I was still living in. I was also facing the RACE card that I was dealing with during my development. I began to understand that Mr. Man may have been livng in his own baggage of systemic racism from growing up in the good ole’ USA too. This may have caused him to be living in a manic state, Hmmm!!!!

I was raised in Monterey, California’s small seaside village, so I mostly saw the evil of racism on TV and felt the tension at my high school. My Mom never spoke poorly about other races; she never called names nor put others down. She always made my sister and I feel that we had BOUNDLESS potential.  But I was still impacted! I was labeled many things, Colored, Coon, Negro, Ni**er, Boy, African American, Black and today, well, I am not sure what we are called today, don’t really care either.

Ok, moving along, the riots came and went, and we (POCs) thought maybe a change was finally in the making. Over the years Hank Aaron had knocked it out of the park, Mohammed Ali floated in like a butterfly and stung like a bee, South African leader Nelson Mandela became a global influence, Tiger Woods was a hole in one, the Williams sisters were doubling down in the tennis world, and then Barack Obama! For a while, “Yes, we can” became the new norm. He made me so PROUD, and like a healthy HSP, I cried for joy and thought to myself that Martin Luther King’s ‘I Have a Dream’ had finally come to fruition.

Learning from Elaine Aron

Then things changed again in the good ole’ USA four years ago.  Clearly it will not be permanent. Another thing that changed that really is permanent is that I learned I was highly sensitive.  And my high sensitivity has really helped during these times.  Sometimes being an HSP can be awkward until you grasp the beauty of this powerful trait. Then you can unleash the positive and take control of your life, making a difference for many, as I hope I have done with our movies.  Today and always, I am marching to the beat of a different drummer and proud of it. I am a registered HSP-POC and loving life. I have metamorphosized FOR THE BETTER. FANTASTIC! You will see what I mean below.

All this because I met an angel who truly understands the seat of consciousness. My cherished friend and creative collaborator in many film productions, she is the author of The Highly Sensitive Person, Elaine Aron, Ph.D., researcher, psychologist, best-selling author, loving wife, mother, grandmother, and the godmother of us Highly Sensitive People. She orchestrated our movement (although she hates that term for it!) in concert with her NON-HIGHLY SENSITIVE and loving husband, Dr. Arthur Aron, the voice of intimate relations and love.

OKAY, now for the POINT OF NO RETURN – 2020, two significant crises have simultaneously touched down on Planet Earth amid the Climate Crisis. It seems it has taken one disaster, the CORONA VIRUS 19 pandemic, to keep the global community away from each other (social distancing). And another one, social injustice, to bring us together.  What a total paradox, yet it is ‘Supercalifragilistic’ and beyond me. The oddity is now we have the world’s attention. First, you get their attention, then you educate!

My Goal—Educating the Public about HSPs, Especially HS POCs!

My goal is to become an advocate for educating the public with what I have learned from embracing my Highly Sensitive gift.  I have already done that with three films, beginning with Sensitive, the Untold Story  and there will be more.  Now I will also do it with short films on YouTube@WillHarperG2G_HSM.

Again my inspiration is MLK. He was known by many as a sensitive soul. His friends and family told me he was a deep, deep thinker, empathetic towards all, and cried easily. He lived in an overstimulated state, yet he was a real visionary, feeling and reading the state of affairs–affairs that needed immediate attention, not a blind eye. He witnessed systemic racism first hand in the USA. MLK said, “True education doesn’t result in the simple ability to spit out memorized facts and score well on standardized tests. Education should enable the student to learn how to reason, how to determine the false from fact. The function of education is to teach one to think intensively and to think critically. Intelligence plus character is the goal of true education.”

Through my new YouTube vlog and my association with the Arons and all my collaborators, HSP and not, we will engage, embrace, and educate. I like to call it edutainment, utilizing mass communication through music, film, and digital applications. I will introduce you to my sensitive and non-sensitive friends of color and share their unique stories about the innate trait of high sensitivity. Don’t forget that 1.4 billion people (20%) of the world population are HSPs and represent various genders, races, and nationalities. We have so much enlightenment to share as we continue on this trajectory of repairing our broken country and our world.

It is the time to stay on the highway to success as we are currently on a roll. It is an exciting time; electrifying is what I would call it. I have come a long way since Mr. Man kicked me and my mom’s spirit around. I have forgiven my father for the most part. Thank you, Elaine Aron, for the bailout, I will take it from here. ☺

I am a highly sensitive person. I am a highly sensitive person of color. I am proud to be who I am and what I am, and I am looking forward because the future is now. Hopefully, we can one day say these words, “Free at Last, Free at Last, thank God almighty we’re free at last.” Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. August 28, 1963

Will Harper

A Highly Sensitive Person of Color – By Will Harper

I was born in the USA, to a beautiful and caring ethnically MIXED Mother, Josephine (French and Caribbean) and, unfortunately to a wicked, violent and confused straight up type casted Black Father, whom I simply call Mr. Man. My Mom is now 91 and living alone, but not lonely, in San Jose, California near my caring and loving sister and brother-in-law (Barb and Keith). Mr. Man is dancing with the devil 6 ft under. When I was 5 years old he was beating Mom, after one of his binge drinking sessions, because he was caught cheating on her (by me). As he was on top of her beating her with his bare knuckles, I not knowing what I was doing tried to kill Mr. Man with a pair of scissors, I was unsuccessful! However, years later he finally got his, His HEART gave out! Physically for him and both physically and metaphorically for me. Ok, eeeeeeeeenough! I will STOP the rant; I am just saying so you know that I am a little broken from that episode in my life.

Fortunately, I grew up under the voice and indirect tutelage of Martin Luther King Jr. His spoken words touched me deeply and must have awakened me to some extent. However, I was searching for some kind of truth to free me from the shackles of the Mr. Man prison I was still living in. And, also being forthcoming with my understanding of the bigger RACE picture. I realized Mr. Man was living in his own baggage of systemic racism in the good ole’ USA this may have caused him to be living in a distorted state. Hmmmm, even though we lived in the small seaside village of Monterey California, I mostly saw the evil of racism on TV, felt it in the streets and heard in the muddled multimedia background. My Mom never really talked about how to behave with other races, she never called names, put others down nor made me feel less than GREAT. But I was still impacted! I was labeled many things, Colored, Coon, Negro, Ni**er, Boy, African American, Black and today, well I am not sure what we are called today, don’t really care either. Ok, moving along, the riots came and went and we (people of color) thought maybe change had finally come, NOT! Hank Aaron, knocked it out of the park, Mohammed Ali float like a butterfly and stung like a bee, Malcolm X became an ‘A’ list influencer, Tiger Woods was a hole in one, the Williams sisters were doubling down in the tennis world and then ‘YES WE CAN’ became the new norm (for a while). Barack Obama made me so PROUD I cried for joy and I thought to myself Martin Luther King’s ‘I Have a Dream’ had become a REALITY, again NOT!

Today, I am forever changed, FOR THE BETTER. I am a registered HSP ☺ i.e., a Highly Sensitive Person of color. FANTASTIC!

All this because I met an angel who truly understands the seat of consciousness. My cherished friend and creative collaborator in many film productions, she is the author of  The Highly Sensitive Person, Elaine Aron, Ph.D, Researcher, Phycologist, best-selling author,  loving wife,  Mother, Grandmother and the Godmother of us Highly Sensitive People. A movement she orchestrated in concert with her NON-HIGHLY SENSITIVE and loving husband Dr Arthur Aron the voice of intimate relations and love.

OKAY, now for the POINT OF NO RETURN – 2020 two major crisis have simultaneously touched down on Planet Earth amid the Climate Crisis. This is a MAJOR WHOA DUDE MOMENT! It seems it has taken one crisis, the CORONA VIRUS 19 pandemic to keep the global community away from each other (social distancing). And another one social injustice to bring us together this is a total paradox, yet it is ‘Supercalifragilistic’ beyond fantastic because we now have the world’s attention. First you get their attention then you educate!

So, all of this said, my goal is to be an advocate of educating the public with what I have learned from embracing my Highly Sensitive Gift. I will do so with shorts films and writing on YouTube @ WillHarperG2G_HSM. MLK was a sensitive soul, I was told by many of his friends and family he was a deep, deep thinker, empathy towards all, cried easily, he lived in an overstimulated state, yet he was a true visionary feeling and reading the state of affairs, affairs that needed immediate attention, not a blind eye. He witnessed the pain and systemic racism in the USA.  MLK said, “True education doesn’t result in the simple ability to spit out memorized facts and score well on standardized tests. Education should enable the student to learn how to reason, how to determine the false from fact. The function of education is to teach one to think intensively and to think critically. Intelligence plus character that is the goal of true education.”

Through my new YouTube vlog and my association with the Aron’s and all my collaborators HSP and NON, we will engage, embrace and educate. I like to call it edutainment via what I do best, mass communicate utilizing film, music and digital applications.  I promise to expose all people, especially people of color about the innate trait of Highly Sensitivity.  1.4 billion people that’s over 20% of the world population are HSP. We have so much wisdom to bring to the table to continue this trajectory of repairing our broken country and our world.

We are currently on a roll. This is the time to stay on track. It is an exciting time; electrifying is what I would call it.  I have come a long way since Mr. Man kicked me and my Mom’s spirit around. Thank you, Dr. Elaine Aron, for the bail out, I will take it from here ☺

I am a highly sensitive person. I am a highly sensitive person of color. I am proud to be who I am and what I am, and I am looking forward, because the future is now. Hopefully, we can one day say these words, “Free at Last, Free at Last, thank God almighty we’re free at last.” Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. August 28, 1963

Will Harper

Why Can’t I Just be Normal?

By John Hughes

Why can’t I just be normal?
That question resonated with me. Deeply.

It came from one of the men attending the first highly sensitive men’s conference this past March in Scotts Valley, California. I wrote it down. And I’ve thought about it since then. A lot.

It truly describes how I feel about lugging around this thing called high sensitivity.

Those of us drowning in HSP-ness experience life so very differently from everyone else. It shows in how we come across to others, and it shows in our career and relationship struggles.

I’ve had a hard time finding my way and place in this world. Some may say that I’ve succeeded, but inside the struggles linger. It just doesn’t feel like success.

I no longer want this burden. I no longer want the weight of soaking in everything I hear and see and feel. And then having to process all of that input without any say in the matter.

But it gets worse. That dreaded sense of responsibility soon arrives telling me that I have to do something about all of those thoughts spinning around inside my head. It’s a mental and emotional burden that wears me out and, quite frankly, makes me mad at times.

The trait is tiring.

I just want to be normal.

(Yes, Dr. Aron reminds us that the trait is normal, that we’re normal, and I’m certainly not in a position to disagree with her, but I don’t feel normal.)

A Zombie Apocalypse

What would happen if I woke up one day and discovered that I’d been “healed?” That I was now, finally, “normal?”

And not just me, but you too would be free of your own burden of always over-thinking and over-feeling and soaking in every subtle (and not-so-subtle) stimuli to the point of being so over-whelmed that you just want to run screaming out the door and down the street and off a cliff.

What would happen if we were in fact healed en masse, as if a zombie apocalypse swept the earth and sucked the high sensitivity right out of us?

Ahhh… Now wouldn’t that be nice?

I already feel the stress and burden falling away…

We could then just sit back, relax, and let the winds of life blow hard against us, against the world, and, like the in cognizant around us, those without the trait, not care one whit about it. We could leave it to others to feel deeply the responsibility to ponder and wonder and worry and care and serve and innovate and create. We’ll be in our beds eating ice cream and watching reality TV.

Who’s with me?!

No.

Of course it wouldn’t be nice.

Well, maybe it would be nice, but it wouldn’t be fair. Not fair to the world and those who inhabit it, both now and tomorrow. And it especially wouldn’t be fair to those closest to us.

We certainly wouldn’t be laughed at anymore, or given odd looks as if we’re a couple characters short of a full tweet, or asked thirty times a day if everything’s okay. But our contributions would be missed.

So, surrender the idea of being “healed.” Let go the thought of ever feeling normal.

I honestly don’t think we’d like the result anyway. The world certainly wouldn’t. It would miss us. It would miss our uniqueness. Our contributions to all that is good.

Yeah, I get it. We’re taken for granted. It sure would be nice if the multitude of those around us who do not have this trait would look past our peculiar natures and truly see our value and talents and care and heart. Unfortunately, though, our oddities shine, not our hearts, as if the oddities defined us, as if we are the beast to the rest of the world’s beauty.

This sucks, I know. But that’s just another burden that we carry.

A Higher Calling

I really believe that we have a higher calling. And with any higher calling comes a related call to set our own selves aside and use the gift that’s been wonderfully woven into us, even if on the outside we look like a Picasso in the flesh—an oddly angled and contorted being that incontrovertibly justifies the need for a permanent six-foot social distancing rule.

Yes, we are different.

But let’s accept this as a higher calling. Welcome it. Embrace it. Pursue it as if it’s part of who we are. As if we wouldn’t be able to breathe if we denied the fact and purpose of our high sensitivity.

The world needs us. Even if it can’t utter those words.

The world needs you.

It needs your unique way of thinking. Your heartfelt emotionality. Your creativity. Your ability to connect deeply with others. Your ability to care beyond what even seems humanly possible.

And it needs you to continually show up, to actually risk becoming overwhelmed—which strangely produces the raw material of our creativity—the creativity that moves the world to new, unique, and more worthy heights.

No, you’re not normal. So stop trying to be.

Be you.

And let the gift of you flood the world.

Sheltering in Place for HSPs who are Parents or Part of a Couple

“Hope is not a matter of waiting for things outside of us to get better.
It is about getting better inside about what is going on outside.”
-Joan Chittister

I know there is now a great deal of advice out there for managing during this time, but I thought I would add some especially for HSPs in my last blog, and this time especially for couples and parents, perhaps because they are on my mind due to the new book on HS parents and the very new documentary on couples (both are announced via email here).  I will write in List-ese, a favorite style these days. I start with couples, as I believe they generally come before parenthood:

 Research is very clear that stress can destroy even the best relationship. We know the divorce rate rose in China after couples were in quarantine. Dare each other not to allow your relationship to be another victim of the virus! Under stress we are not at our best and we are easily irritated or maybe disappointed by how the other is handling it all. Remember the big picture—all the reasons you are with this person, and just how well are YOU handling it? Try to think through your criticism and shelf it. If there is a conflict, watch the new documentary, which provides the rules for safe arguing it out.Start a conversation with your partner about the stress you are both under, beginning with vulnerable feelings or a caring question. Try just listening to each other expressing anxiety and irritations without trying to fix it. Listening without interruption can be the greatest gift. But be responsive to the emotions.Feeling irritable?  It’s time to get away from each other.  If your local regulations allow you to go out, go out by yourself sometimes. Can’t go out?  Sit alone by a window. Or go to another room. No separate room? Agree to be in silence for a while.  Always be clear how long you want to be apart or silent and that it is not about them. As an HSP, you just sometimes need to be alone.  Assure them that you will be better company afterwards. Your partner will see it’s true.If one of you can work from home and the other cannot, do not let all of the drudgery or childcare fall onto the one not “working.”  Even if that person is always at home, there is more drudgery work to do with more people around the house. Remember, work comes in three categories:  drudgery (torture, especially for HSPs); craft (which gives the pleasure of feeling effective); and calling (the pleasure of doing what you were meant to do).  Divide drudgery fairly. Maybe the one not making the dough can practice the “craft” of looking online for new resources or entertainment for the evening.Research is clear that doing something “novel and exciting” together makes two people feel more in love, as long as both agree on that activity. Even shut in, you can try watching an opera for the first time or a sport new to you (do a search for “watch great sporting events from past”), watch travel shows about exotic places, take online art classes, or cook up something crazy with the ingredients on hand.  Brain storm your crazy list, then cut it down to what you both would enjoy trying.Research shows that time connecting with another couple you are close to also enhances your own relationship, so use Zoom to make it happen.When it’s time for romance, do some role playing.  Each of you takes on a new personality, dressing in something that fits it and that the other has not seen often.  Maybe play out the other’s fantasy. (Finally your partner has that cowboy or cowgirl! A swaggering rock star! A real prince or princess with tons of money!)  Use an accent if you can. One of you knocks at the door and right then the gradual seduction begins. If you really like doing this, order some wigs on line.Keep conversations interesting.  Spend time learning about something the other doesn’t know about yet, so you can talk about it over dinner or whenever. Or each of you reads a novel, one chapter a day, and tells the other what happened in the chapter you just read, so you both get to enjoy the story.

Now for HS Parents:

Lower your standards!  Don’t judge yourself. Don’t feel guilty about your slip ups, depression, or shouting.  You are doing the best you can. Of course you are. Even if the best doesn’t seem very good, you are still doing all that you can under these strange circumstances.  And if you feel you need help, get some. Two suggestions are on my website, Alice Shannon and Alane Freund.Reduce stimulating input.  Too noisy? Get some earplugs.  Work on everyone lowering their voices.  Consider headsets for kids when they watch TV.  Reduce or eliminate your intake of media and news.You must get downtime.  If you are alone with kids, explain that to them.  If nothing else, close your eyes for a few moments.  You will still hear what you need to hear. Perhaps grandparents or someone else close to your kids can keep them occupied for a half hour via Zoom or Facetime, maybe at a regular time daily.  You can suggest activities. And see Alice Shannon’s blog on HS parent self-care.Meditate if you can find the time. Even 5 minutes. Information about types of meditation is this blog on my website.Mostly let your housekeeping go unless it makes you feel much better to have everything clean.  Do put away enough stuff to reduce clutter. Just a few cleaned off surfaces or one room kept neat will reduce over-stimulation and help everyone.To get some peace, do not be afraid of being more liberal about TV and devices.  There are high-quality shows designed for children that can even be good for them. Parent involvement–watching a show with them now and then or sitting beside them and watching while they play an okay video game–is considered good parenting and less stimulating for you than other things they may want from you. Once you get to know the characters or the game, you can do something else but ask now and then about what happened to a certain character or their level at a game.Consider having daily and weekly schedules if you don’t already. It does not have to be rigid, but it will help you as much as your child.  Put it up so everyone can see, something like this: Get up, dress, breakfast, school work or learning games while parent does laundry or cleaning, lunch, time outdoors if allowed, afternoon rest time etc.  Something fun before bedtime, like reading with the less available parent, but gradual slowing down. Some final going-to-sleep routine. On the weekly schedule, vary events that occur during the week (e.g. different things to be learned, different sports), showing when they will happen. But of course it is all flexible.Have something fun planned ahead for each day and a big one each week—a craft project; a board game; a party for the pets, dolls, stuffed toys, or others in the house (maybe requiring a menu and making cookies or decorations the day before). Design a city that might exist in 300 years. If you have Legos, each person scoops up one cup at random, and from only these creates a modern-art sculpture. Then arrange them in a Lego sculpture garden. Create a new board game or game of trivia that fits your family. Take out new art supplies or projects now and then and put away some games to bring out later. Don’t have everything available all the time.It’s fine for kids to be bored. Explain to them that creativity and boredom are like the ups and downs of waves, as any creative person will tell you. “I can’t think of anything to paint!” Then comes the masterpiece.Boredom or fussiness or any emotion that seems oddly timed may be expressing deeper feelings of anger, sadness, or anxiety that your child is not aware of.  Be sure to sit down and talk often with your kids about their feelings. Teenagers may balk, so with them you may have to slide under their radar. “How are your friends doing with all this?”Take into account your child’s temperament. If you are not sure of all of its aspects, go to Preventiveoz.org. Perhaps figure out everyone’s temperament and have a fun conversation about your similarities and differences.  Especially for active children: Order exercise equipment like a balance board, exercise ball, or swings that hang from a doorway.  Have them run around a course in the house, or outside if you can, with every lap earning some small fixed amount of money that will go to a favorite charity. Post at the end of the day the laps run.You might want to spend some time separately with each child if you have more than one. Everyone equal time. It’s less stimulating for an HS parent.Use your HS creativity. Older kids can learn yoga watching TV or Youtubes, or a new dance step, or a brainy, ambitious child might take advanced algebra and surprise everyone at school by testing out of it next year. Thank goodness for our endless online resources. But do monitor what they are looking at.Get in contact with other parents, get ideas, but do not compare yourself in a way that makes you feel “less then.” People are probably not exposing their worst moments.On that note, don’t be surprised by very negative feelings, even murderous feelings! Research shows they are very common in parents. Feelings and thoughts are not actions. Go to your room, lie on your bed, and cry, scream into a pillow, or just space out.  Big picture: If your children know at some level that you love them, they will grow up fine. You all will look back on this as a special time in your lives that you survived together. Children may even be improved by a little hardship (“What, no orange juice, again?”) if they feel supported through it. Listen to their complaints, but do not let them get to you.

Hey, you’re doing great by just doing as well as you can at this time. Don’t judge.

Big Picture Living During a Time of Global Crisis

Lately, I have been speaking about a super solution to anxiety (a normal feeling for HSPs):  Look at the big picture. I advise it now more than ever: Maintain the big picture. How?

What are your real risks?  

What will things be like a year from now? Even two months from now?

Hey, what amazing times these are. How will we all look back on them?  

What would this look if you were on Mars? Could see it as a robin?

I promise you, this will not last forever.  Things always change. You can count on that, said the Buddha.  If things seem to be changing for the worse, you can count on them also changing for the better.  

Think of all the ways that things may end up better someday because of this event. Do it now, as an exercise in Big Reality.

How else do you keep the big picture? Partly, you do other things. If you are staying home more, as most of us are, use this time to go inward.  What a great opportunity.  The research finds that most HSPs agree that they have a “rich, complex inner life.” Feed it. Spend extra time, for example, meditating, journaling, attending to your dreams.

Your Intense Feelings

If your emotions are sometimes intense, accept that this is who you are. Do not be ashamed of it. The reality of your trait is part of the big picture. But as part of your turning inward, see if you can identify what parts of the situation trigger you most.  That people are behaving so strangely? (That gets me—the scenes of panic buying in grocery stores.) That you feel so unsafe out in the world? Being shut in? You may learn something about yourself as you examine these specific parts of your feelings and where they may come from in your past.  

At the same time, if the emotions are too much for you, do what you can to regulate them.  A great way to regulate emotion is to turn your attention to other things. That, too, is the bigger picture:  There’s more to life than this “pandemic” (what a scary word).  If you haven’t yet watched Sensitive and in Love, do it. Or watch Sensitive the Untold Story again.  Both are free this week (learn more here).  Refresh your inner HSP.  

Once you are on a roll, watch other super positive movies, such as It’s a Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood. I just watched it and am still quoting it:  Mrs. Rogers on her husband’s “sainthood.” “Don’t call him a saint, because that implies what he does is unattainable. We all can do it with some effort.” And Mr. Rogers on death: “It’s only human. If you can mention it, you can manage it.”

You Are Still a Highly Sensitive Social Animal

If you are home alone, remember you need some social interaction on a regular basis.  It’s like food—we all need some every day, even or maybe especially introverts.  At least connect with someone briefly, even about business. Better, spend some extra time doing video or phone chats with friends and family.  If that’s a short list, try quarantinechat.com. You can talk to anyone shut in by the virus, anywhere in the world, whether you yourself are actually quarantined or not.  It’s free. Visit it at: https://quarantinechat.com/

If you are home with your family, maybe more than usual with schools closed, enjoy this time of special connection as much as you can. But remember you need downtime on a regular basis.

Please, stay away from excessive media coverage and social media. Ask someone less sensitive, someone you trust, to monitor the news for you, someone who is addicted to it (and get off the stuff yourself).  Ask them to let you know if there is any solid information you really should know. 

Always Back to the Big Picture

Remember you are an animal, not just a social one.  You need to go outside in nature. Maybe sometimes it will just be for a moment, on a balcony, on your front step, or through a window.  Look into the sky or at a tree. But try to get out for walks too (if you are allowed). Every day. Time in nature is another kind of necessary food, especially for HSPs.  

Finally, remember the big picture. Did I say that? When you think in a more expansive way, you will feel calmer.  And when you feel calmer–through meditation, nature, or whatever–you will have a bigger picture.  Then, be the emotional leader you were born to be and radiate that calm to others.  “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.” (These were FDR’s words to the U.S. when he announced entering WW II, and even that ended eventually, didn’t it?)  Calm and kindness. Calm is as contagious as fear. Maybe when others are grabbing things off the shelves, you could start asking people what they are short of and share some of yours.  (I am sure as an HSP, with all your creativity, you can think of ways to do without toilet paper!) 

Your new mantra:  BIG PICTURE!!!!

Hey, we can look forward to another HS men’s weekend in 2021.  The 16 at this one have already asked for another so they can come back.  It’s in the big picture. 

May peace, calm, and kindness be with you,

Elaine

Sensitivephobic—Could this Describe You?

When The Highly Sensitive Person was first published, someone told me that when they read it in public they kept a plain paper book cover on it so that no one would see the title.  How much do you hide your sensitivity?  Sometimes it is wise to consider when, why, and with whom you will discuss your sensitivity, but do you ever just think it would be better if no one knew?  Maybe especially that you didn’t know?

In those early days, I did many interviews with male TV and radio hosts, and quite often they attacked or ridiculed the whole idea of high sensitivity. Finally, I learned to tease them about it. “Oh well, you’re just like all the other male interviewers—you get all tense at the very idea of sensitivity.” Often I uncovered the fact that they were actually HSPs and also high sensation seekers, the perfect combo for media workers.

These days, some people have asked me to stop using the term “sensitive” for the trait because it is too negative or has the wrong connotation.  Interestingly, sensitive is one of the few adjectives in English that has both a very positive and I guess very negative meaning, making it potentially neutral.  Usually there are opposite words for the same trait (stubborn/persistent, impulsive/spontaneous, thrifty/stingy, humorous/silly ), not a single word.

Through all of this, I guess I have been discovering what we could call sensitivephobia.

Sensitivephobia

As you can guess from the meaning of homophobia or xenophobia (the dislike of foreigners), sensitivephobia is the dislike or prejudice against highly sensitive people.  All of these “phobias” are products of culture–starting in the family and going on through school, friends, doctors, therapists, the media. Some of you may live in the relatively rare culture with little or no sensitivephobia.  But most of us do experience a subtle prejudice around sensitivity unless we hide our trait (which we usually can because it is invisible) or we bring it up very carefully.

The effects of prejudice are always bad for those it is directed towards–and even worse for those affected by more than one prejudice, such as sensitive African-Americans. Perhaps the worst effect is that prejudice is almost always internalized.  Internalized homophobia is a good example, being a well-researched phenomenon. It causes gay men and lesbians to experience self-doubt and self-hatred. Can you relate? Surely many HSPs have internalized sensitivephobia, a feeling that something is wrong with them because of their sensitivity, so that they don’t like themselves because of it.

The phenomenon of self-doubt is often unconscious, and found in all who have experienced prejudice.  For example, women, Latinos, and African Americans in the United States perform worse on math exams if they are even just very subtly reminded of their sex or ethnicity by filling in that information at the top of the exam. With just that reminder, they are primed to think they can’t do as well as others on the test—and they don’t. Social psychologists call this “stereotype threat.”

This internalized self-doubt and self-hatred is not innate of course, but baggage you need to discard.  How is it done?  Those who have experienced it will tell it is best done through solidarity with others having this trait.  We have to validate each other.

Specifically about Highly Sensitive Men

Highly sensitive women seem to know the importance of solidarity, perhaps through their experience of sexism and sexual harassment.  HS women are the majority of those who come to lectures and weekends for HSPs.  Although the numbers vary, men are generally about a tenth to a quarter of the audience.  Sometimes there is only one. So far there are 35 men enrolled in the upcoming weekend designed for them.  Just 35 who are ready to trade in their internalized sensitivephobia for something empowered and strong?

What’s stopping them?

Many HS men have complained about the cost.

My response:  Surely more than 35 HSMs can afford something so potentially life changing.  About 10 times as many HS women spend the money for various events for HSPs, and often do tell us the weekend was life changing. What’s the matter?

Are HS men afraid that they will dislike their trait and themselves even more when they meet other men with the trait?

My response:  That would certainly be internalized sensitivephobia. As I have watched groups of HSMs start to talk, it seems that they find so much to admire in each other—the courage, accomplishments, honesty, or quiet, attentive reserve that creates the feeling of instantly understanding each other.

Do they fear that they WILL like the trait more after the weekend, and therefore have to accept it more, including things about themselves they have been working on changing, but now they know it can’t be done (thankfully)?  Do they fear being inconvenienced by understanding that to be their best they will need to adjust their lifestyle and accept that they can be easily overstimulated and need more downtime than others?

My response:  The more downtime, the more effective you will be in the long run. (Look up “incubation creativity” in Google Scholar.)

Do they fear they will become over-identified with their sensitivity, as some others seem to be?

My response:  Most people, after they learn about their sensitivity, have it on their mind a great deal for a few months, and then it settles in as a factor sometimes to be considered when making a decision or interpreting an event.

Do they fear that during a weekend of self-exploration they might discover things about themselves, not directly related to their sensitivity, that they don’t like–the fear of social judgment, being easily manipulated, or their role in a failing relationship?

My response: Accepting where you are is the essential first step for self-improvement.  Often full acceptance means you are halfway home.

Culture and Complexes

Another way to think about sensitivephobia is to treat it as a complex.  I have often written about complexes. They are the building blocks of any personality. We all have them.  Some examples are complexes about Mother, Father, money, food, authority, independence vs. dependence, God.  A complex predisposes us to think in a certain, less objective way when it is activated.

Most complexes contain some fears, learned somewhere.  These are dangers you have learned to avoid, but that can mean thinking you see some sign of these dangers where they don’t exist. For HSPs with a complex about sensitivity, the fear is surely about being different and therefore rejected.  For sensitive men in particular, there is the fear, often learned unconsciously from their culture, of being seen as less competent than other men, weak, or less attractive.  Or there are the well learned fears that come from actually having been bullied, teased, or humiliated, often by parents. Of course HS women can have very similar fears.

The way out of a complex?  You never totally escape it, but the more time you work on understanding where it comes from and how it distorts your thinking, the less time you will spend in it.  We all know that the culture, and therefore life itself, has been harder on highly sensitive men. Much harder. But persistent focus and time with other HSPs is going to help. Sensitivephobia is not going to go away by ignoring it.

To Highly Sensitive Men

Although this is mainly from me to highly sensitive men, I encourage all HSPs to read it, to help the men make their way to Scotts Valley (between Santa Cruz and Silicon Valley) for the first annual (I hope) Highly Sensitive Men’s Weekend, March 13-15, in this the Year of the Highly Sensitive Man–partly in honor of Ted Zeff, the first to write for sensitive men and boys, who died last year.

Okay.  Let’s get real.  Registrations as of today—15!  Are you kidding me?

I have dreamed of seeing this weekend happen for years, as I have met and often talked at length with many highly sensitive men.  Maybe from the start I have been, well, fond of them.  Most have struggled because of their sensitivity in a world that largely disregards sensitivity in men, so I especially appreciate their heroics.  In my dream of this weekend, there were 100 men there at least.  Dream on, Elaine!

No, I am going to take action. I decided to write this blog as a dialogue with one of you. Here goes.

ME: So I understand that you have not yet planned to go to the weekend in Santa Cruz.

HS MAN:  That’s right.  Too expensive.

ME: It’s true 1440 Multiversity is not cheap, but they really try to keep it reasonable, and it is a beautiful place with good food and kind people.  Still, you have travel expenses and maybe you must lose time at work.

HS MAN:  Exactly.

ME:  But let me ask you this—if this would change your life, would it still be too expensive for your budget?

HS MAN:  If it changed my life. How do I know I would like the speakers?

ME:  You are the real speaker, you and the other men. The goal is for you to see and be seen by other highly sensitive men, so that collectively you feel validated and empowered.  There will be break out groups, pairs, and plenty of free time to socialize.

HS MAN:  It sounds just terrible. I’m an introvert.

ME: Really? For just one weekend, to be just with other HS men?  Even introverts need validation.  And introverts like deep one-on-one conversations.  Actually, all HSPs prefer their conversations to be deep, meaningful.  You can’t miss with only HSPs to talk with.

HS MAN:  It’s still going to be way too overstimulating.

ME:  Yes, probably so. You will have to practice self-care and admit when you need to miss out on something in order to get some downtime.  Try to plan some time before and after the weekend for that, time to reflect.  But I’m sure there are times you have chosen to be overstimulated in order to do something important to you.

HS MAN:  Yeah.  But a weekend is a lot about the leaders. Who are these guys?

ME:  I’m just one of the guys. I will give a keynote address sort of, the only woman who will be there.  About the others, look for yourself.  Search for Tracy Cooper Ph.D. and John Hughes Gnu Talent.  You will be impressed.  If you haven’t heard of them, it’s because they’ve not had a chance before to do what they will be doing this weekend, validating HS men.  Why not help Tracy and John become better known?

HS MAN:  Hmm.  On my dime.

ME:  Can you relate to this?  Here’s some of Tracy Cooper’s thoughts about the weekend.  “The overarching theme, in my view, is allowing, not accepting high sensitivity.  The concept of allowing is spacious and denotes an openness to possibilities, while acceptance suggests a begrudging acquiescence.  The underlying connective thread is that all HS men at the workshop will be seen and heard.  That has great value and concurs with my experience working with HSPs and non-HSPs (yes, they want to be heard too).”  Nice, yes?

HS MAN:  And this John Hughes guy?

ME:  He’s a corporate guy, where team work is a key concept, and he speaks from years of experience about HSPs and teams. “This emotional sensitivity, deep contentedness, and rich inner life feed an HSP’s ability to lead teams in a way that others simply can’t.”  Read his whole spiel on Linkedin here.  Are you feeling validated yet?  Wouldn’t you like to spend a weekend around John?  There will be others like him.

HS MAN:  So we’re empowering a bunch of sensitive white guys.  Do they really need more power?

ME:  Will Harper, the director of the two movies on sensitivity will be there.  He’s African-American.  Jose Rosete, who played the HS male lead in Sensitive and in Love is Latino.  He will be there.  Gay, transgender?  Also coming.  What else is on your mind?

HS MAN:  Okay. Well. Okay.  I’m a little nervous about it, that’s all.

ME:  Of course you are. I would be too. But here’s something else John Hughes said: “I do believe this will be a special weekend, the start of something big and eventually global.  Nobody likes missing out on something special.”

HS MAN.  Hmm.

ME:  One solution would be to find another HS man to come with, maybe a friend, relative, or someone you work with.  A teenage boy would be great.  Bringing someone would help both you and the numbers.

HS MAN:  Don’t know any.

ME:  Seriously?  They are all around you, hiding just like you.  Take a risk.  The world needs you, all of you.  Please, please, take a chance and come.

Learn more and sign up for The First Highly Sensitive Men’s Conference on March 13-15, 2020 at 1440 University near Santa Cruz, CA. For more info and for registration visit here.

The Ethics of Self-Care

When my son (a writer for TV) read over the script for Sensitive and in Love, he said it surprised him that it emphasized the need for downtime.  It seemed so self-centered.  He thought HSPs were more into helping others.  They are, I assured him, and I adjusted the script accordingly. But it brings up something crucial.

When I and others are advising you to attend to self-care and your boundaries, we just assume that you spend most of your time helping others. Why? Because HSPs need their work and their lives in general to be meaningful, even more than others do. For most humans, meaningful boils down to helping others (parenting, teaching, building, farming, lawyering, healing, etc) or contributing to knowledge or culture (as scientists, musicians, artists, etc.).  While others may settle for just decent pay, your work must have meaning.  Your problem is not to overdo your meaningful activities.

Geez, I feel like a broken record, repeating all this about self-care over and over, but I know you need to hear it again, often.  What solves over-stimulation and holds burnout at bay?  Downtime, by yourself.  Sleep, time in nature, meditation, prayer, music, a warm bath or a swim…  Whatever works for you.

Self-Care for All

It does not help that the new buzz word among the other 80% is “self-care,” and it can seem, in some cases, to be more about narcissism or consuming extra stuff. On the other hand, what’s good for HSPs often turns out to be good for everyone. Worldwide, people are having to push themselves more to get ahead or just not fall behind.  In the U.S. it seems that 30% are sleep deprived; worldwide, 50%.  Let’s not even get into worldwide diet, exercise, medical care, and all the rest that determines self-care. We ALL need more self-care, and maybe HSPs helped that new buzz word surface.

Over half of the people I most love are not HSPs.  Their lives are dedicated to the same kinds of meaningful things as yours or mine.  And they also are at risk for burnout if they do not take care of themselves. But there’s a difference. My husband, not an HSP, managed better than I did when we used to pull all-nighters to help each other with dissertation deadlines. He is not so easily overstimulated, does not get crazy when he is very hungry, and is not as bothered by crowds. Above all, he is not noticing and processing so much. You and I feel a greater, more rapid decline when our gas tank of neurotransmitters is empty.  We get cranky or feel awful, so that the people around us get us at our worst, not our best. That’s why self-care is part of our ethics regarding how we treat others.

Self-Care for the Sake of Those with whom you Work

First I should say that by “work” I mean your calling.  Some of you may need to work “just for the money,” but do what matters to you on the side.  Thus I will call “work” the things you work at that give your life meaning.

I should not have to go on and on about the ethical reasons for making self-care a high priority. You know about putting the oxygen mask on yourself first, before helping others with theirs.  You know you work better and are more helpful when your mind is rested.  You know that allowing the mundane things to drain your energy is therefore wrong, because it means the most important things do not get you at your best.

Why do you slip up and what can you do about it?  I will let you answer that for yourself, or read some of things I have written about boundaries.  Boundaries are crucial to self-care, including boundaries with the smart, creative, caring parts of yourself that can think up so many better ways to do things, the people you could help or network with, the good ideas to test.  Often it feels like you are the only one who can do these things properly.  (There’s the risk of narcissism for HSPs.)

Are you morally right, however, to take on everything you can conceive of?  I know I am not. When I slip up and don’t take a break, I am a bit ashamed of myself.  I do it all the time, but at least I know now that it is wrong.

Self-Care out of Consideration for Those You Love

I know that love and work can overlap in many ways, as when you are a parent or a full time caregiver, or simply love your clients or love all beings, including those you may help with your scientific discoveries.  But when you come back from work mode, how do you behave around the people you live with and supposedly love.  Or if you are at home all day with children, how have you behaved with the kids and with those who come home in the evening? What happens when you have not taken good care of yourself?  You are irritable, yes? Fussy. Impatient. Prone to angry outbursts.  Or sullen silence. Not able to listen fully.  Getting sick or chronically run down so that in the end you need their help instead of the other way around.  When you can avoid this (and I know you cannot always), you are morally wrong to let it happen.  For some of us downtime and self-care can seem to be the real moral wrong just because they feel good, but that has nothing to do with it at all.

So the only ethical thing, really, is to turn your back on others until you have returned to being your best self. Think of a mother cat.  We put her in a box so that she can step out of but the kittens can’t—so she can get some food and escape being sucked, crawled on, and mewed at.  Familiar?  Step out of the box and feel your body relax. If this is a new behavior for you, others may not like it and you may not be very good at it—saying why you are going off alone (it isn’t about them), where you are going, and when you will be back.  But get better at it.  Ethically, you have no choice.

A Gift to Add Sparkle to the Gifts You Already Have

I have a gift for you.  I found it while reading and listening to Ken Wilber, a brilliant philosopher-psychologist-spiritual-teacher guy who has developed something called “integral psychology,” a theory that summarizes years of research by others on human development.  I like a lot of it—not all of course.  But central to integral theory is that there are “stages” through which we develop as children (having only our own perspective, then the ability to see another’s, then a group’s, and then “objectively”).  Further stages are possible for adults.  Cultures go through them too.

I know—what gift is this? Think of these first paragraphs as the gift wrapping.

Wilber calls moving through these stages “growing up,” and sees the ones you may or may not develop in adulthood as especially valuable.  He describes two other dimensions on which humans can develop.  There’s “waking up,” the hierarchy of states of consciousness found in every “mystical” tradition.  And there’s a third necessity for higher human development, “cleaning up” (the “shadow,” complexes, the effect of traumas, etc.).  Wilber really is interesting, I think especially to an HSP, but oh so wordy!  One way to get his ideas is to listen to a Sounds True recording called “The Future of Spirituality”. I listened to it while driving. Or you can watch an interview with him on Buddha at the Gas Pump.

The Simple Gift

Anyway, while my 13-year-old grandson and I were listening to Wilber and discussing his stages, my grandson wanted to know how we could move faster through these stages.  After later listening for several hours more on my own, I finally heard the interviewer ask Wilber our question and he tossed out the simple, brilliant answer:  “See things from the other’s perspective.”

I instantly saw how valuable this could be.  He means that this is how you expand your mind, your consciousness, your understanding, your morals.  It’s also key to maintaining close relationships, being successful at whatever your work, raising children, and just learning.  All of it.

The interviewer did not follow up.  (I know the interviewer, who has told me she is not an HSP.)  I’m sure my recognition of its potential came from my high sensitivity, so I hope it will come as a gift to you too.

Taking the other’s perspective does not require feeling compassion, although it can lead to it.  I suppose you could use it to devise the ideal revenge or crime!  I don’t think you will, but if someone has angered you or hurt you in some way, you do not have to decide they are right, but taking their perspective can take the sting out of it.  “That’s just one person’s view.”

Looking At the Nice Details

Perspective starts literally with trying to see through the other’s eyes.  What are they perceiving—seeing, hearing, smelling even.  What are they doing? I did this at a Christmas concert the other night, hearing religious music from the Middle Ages and Renaissance, exquisitely sung by a professional chorus. First, I realized I was near the front and they were seeing me, my face expressionless, so I started smiling.  I really appreciated their effort and skill, even letting their work flow through my heart.  But it was not a spiritual experience, as I had expected.  It did not seem to be for them either.

Given the bit of what I knew about them, I suspected that most of them were probably somewhat spiritual, but given their education levels, also probably did not take scripture completely literally.  That is, maybe they did not totally believe Jesus was born of a virgin or angels sang to the shepherds, as the composers of those songs had. The chorus was singing in a church, but the audience was not a congregation or necessarily even Christian.  The chorus saw people here for their performance, almost like an event in a museum.  Hence something was there more than in most churches—an incredible performance–but something was missing too.  And then I understood my own response.  (No more beating myself up for my lack of whatever.)

YOU CAN BE WRONG. I see this as a combination of your imagination and your awareness as an HSP of subtle signs in the person (or group, or even a country) and, if the person is actually there, in your shared environment.  Then with that depth of processing you find yourself forming further impressions—hypothesis you continue to check if you are further interested.  Again, you can be wrong.  Slave owners sometimes thought their slaves were happy.  But almost certainly you will know more of the other’s perspective than if you don’t try it.

Toying With Your Gift 

Perspective taking can be fun, too.  I was hiking down a steep road on a brisk morning and a young woman was coming towards me on a bright yellow mountain bike.  She smiles and says an exuberant hello.  Okay, what’s her perspective?  A lot of uphill ahead. Ruts and rocks to watch for. A blue sky above that.  An older couple hiking.  Riding an expensive bike in a wealthy area.  A cheerful type, in a very good mood, and seeing us, she overflowed in this cheerful hello.  At least today, life is good for her.  That’s all.  I hike on.  But it added a little to my day.  I don’t mountain bike, but I enjoyed it through her sparkling experience.

How can you as an HSP make use of this gift?  Well, it really is fun to do when you are bored, puzzled, or getting tired on a hike!  It’s useful in almost any interpersonal situation.  But I like Wilber’s reason for perspective taking.  It can speed up your growth through the advanced stages he sees as so critical to human survival. You already have this innate ability through your depth of processing. But why not exercise it more as a daily practice of taking another’s perspective?  And did I say this yet?  You will also make a huge contribution to the world. All these divisions and dislikes—you can see both sides.  Imagine 20% of the population “growing up” by doing that and leading the rest?

Enjoy your gift.

Why Differential Susceptibility is so Important for You

I am not sure that I have written enough about differential susceptibility, which is a key to understanding HSPs and for HSPs to understand themselves. Differential susceptibility is the well-researched idea that HSPs are deeply affected by their environments, “for better and for worse.”  With poor childhoods they are more likely than others to be depressed, anxious, or shy, and with good childhoods they can do not just as well but even better than those who are not so sensitive—more confident and less likely to be depressed or highly anxious.

Why exactly is differential susceptibility so important for you?  I could list many reasons, for example how it changes the way sensitivity is viewed by science, but I limit myself to three.

First, most of the research shows that HSPs receive more benefit from interventions, so especially if you are one of those HSPs with a childhood that weighs in more negative than positive overall, you should also heal better. This might be through psychotherapy, but probably extends to reading the right self-help books or just having kind people around you.  This is because, overall, HSPs are very sensitive to positive stimuli.  Every human has to notice threats, but HSPs add to this an awareness of opportunities and positive feedback. Indeed, even one or two kind people in your childhood probably made a noticeable difference.

Second, differential susceptibility explains why HSPs can be associated in the public’s mind with people who are worriers, pessimists, “too sensitive” to criticism, complainers, and so forth. Those showing these problems are the ones with a troubled past.  Those with good-enough childhoods adapt and almost disappear unless you know them well—for example, know their need for downtime and preference for low stimulation.  Otherwise they are only noticed for their creativity, empathy, conscientiousness, and so forth.  We can all work to explain differential susceptibility and these less visible, very effective and endearing HSPs. Perhaps you are one of them.

Third, understanding differential susceptibility can help in relationships.  I will discuss that more below.

Differential Susceptibility and the film Sensitive and in Love

We are about to unveil this film Sensitive and in Love about HSPs in relationships, and I am all too aware that after watching it some of you may say, “These were not typical HSPs.”  My answer is that you are right–the main characters are not typical HSPs.  There really are none, of course.  The question was, what message did we want to give through the HS characters we wrote about?  We decided we had to deliver the message of differential susceptibility, including of course a happy ending due to some good interventions.

Our HS characters, a brother and sister, have experienced serious trauma and early attachment insecurity which deeply affect their relationships.  (One is dating; the other is married.)  We realized the risk that these two characters could give the impression that all HSPs are distressed. Indeed, there will be one or two scenes that are very, very intense.  (I am sure some HSPs will see them as too much, but if there is one thing I have learned, it is that no book or film will please everyone.  Also, as I have joked, two HSPs just being happy in their relationships could quickly have an audience yawning!)  The reason for these bits of high drama was to really get across differential susceptibility.  We were able to express the idea itself through a therapist, also an HSP, who explains to our two characters that they were more affected than others would have been by the kind of upbringing and trauma they have experienced, and also that as adults they can heal, perhaps better than before and better than others would have.

How Good is Good Enough? And What about Relationships?

While many HSPs had good-enough childhoods—no serious trauma, abuse, neglect, bullying, or the like—most of you had parents and teachers who had no idea about high sensitivity.  They may have tried to ignore it or even to eliminate it from you.  (This also happens to the main characters in the film—we loaded it on!)  This failure to be understood makes it easy to grow up feeling there is something wrong with you.  When you live that feeling, even if you hide it, it is easy for others to think something is a little off or odd about you.  Even in an otherwise good relationship, it might be easy for a partner to accept that sense of you also.

The research shows that, in general, one of the biggest reasons for relationship failure is the poor mental health of one or both partners.  That may be obvious, but we wanted this film to speak especially to those touched by this issue–to speak to you if this is you.  It seems crucial that those interested in HSPs and in their relationships realize that many of the problems that can occur may be due to the HSP being more affected by a difficult past than others.  It may seem like the HSP’s family or school life was not that terrible, so why are they are so troubled by it or in need of therapy?  Differential susceptibility.

What can be done with differential susceptibility?  Quite a bit, beginning with those around the HSP understanding how any trauma or early childhood problem may still be affecting the HSP and the present relationship.  If both partners have these sorts of issues (even if one is not at HSP), help is even more urgent.  Both people in the relationship should be aware of what to watch for—for example, seemingly irrational emotions or behaviors triggered by things resembling something in the past.  Both should be on board about getting help for the HSP and the relationship.   Attachment issues, by the way, are the specialty of Emotion-Focused Couples Therapy.  As the interventions work and the relationship becomes more positive, I predict that the HSP will soak up any resulting positive experiences and be more positive toward his or her partner, creating a positive feedback loop.  All positive!

In short, we hope many partners of HSPs, especially those who are not highly sensitive themselves, will gain from this film a gut-level understanding of high sensitivity, but especially this theme of differential susceptibility, and through that better grasp any problem their partners may have, even if it is “only” not being understood better in childhood.  And of course we hope the HSPs who watch it are touched by this story and healed a little more just by watching it.