Elaine N. Aron's Blog, page 5

Types of Meditation

I very often suggest meditation to HSPs for reducing and recovering from over-stimulation.  But I realize that when someone recommends meditation or says they meditate or are going to teach it to you, it sounds as though meditation is just one thing. But really they may as well say, “I recommend pills.” That is, there are many kinds of meditation, just as there are many kinds of pills.

Each form of meditation has its purpose. If you already meditate, great.  (But there’s no harm in trying other methods or doing two.) Since they had to be listed in some order, they are from moderately to most relaxing, given the parts of the brain being used.  This is in keeping with HSPs’ need for effective, “efficient” downtime.  But the list could be ordered differently, according to other benefits. I have also added something about each method’s spiritual goal, another interest of ours.

Guided meditations.  After relaxation instruction, you are guided in how to use your imagination to achieve a goal.  Often inspired by depth psychology (e.g. Carl Jung), practitioners can take you to a deeper, perhaps more spiritual part of yourself (“You are at the edge of a deep forest, there is a path into it, someone is waiting in the forest to guide you through this dark place…”). Done alone it is called “Active Imagination.” Guided meditation can also be used, for example, to help you imagine how a certain animal perceives or to break a habit. But even though your body is relaxed, your brain is still pretty busy.Guided meditations for relaxation.  Someone speaks in a soft voice (in person or audio), instructing you how to relax. There are countless methods. (For example: “Take five deep breaths, in through your nose and out through your mouth, then bring your attention to your center, around your navel, feel the warmth there…”).  Best if you can learn to do the method by yourself, so that your brain is not busy listening. But it is still busy.

Now we go to the forms of meditation studied for the types of brain waves they produce.  (For a summary of this research, see Travis, F., & Shear, J., 2010, “Focused Attention, Open Monitoring and Automatic Self-Transcending: Categories to Organize Meditations from Vedic, Buddhist and Chinese traditions.” Consciousness and Cognition, 19(4), 1110-1118.)

The following three also all share the goal of “Awakening” or “Enlightenment.”

Meditations involving focused attention, concentration, or contemplation.  Example: Zen Buddhist meditation, sometimes on a koan. Or counting breaths, coming back when a thought interrupts your count. Or repeating a phrase, perhaps about loving kindness. Or focusing on a candle, or any object.  If your mind wanders, you bring your attention back. Proper breathing and posture (cross legged on a special pillow, without back support if at all possible) are paramount. The goal is to slip into stillness, satori, “no-mindedness,” without thoughts or feelings, and maintaining this increasingly outside of meditation, until one is enlightened (reached nirvana). The associated brain waves are Beta and Gamma, found during focused attention.Open monitoring or mindfulness-based meditations, usually derived from various forms of Buddhism, involve observing breathing, thoughts, or other content of ongoing experience without an emotional reaction.  Again, ideally sitting in an upright posture without back support. The goal is to become reflectively aware of the contents of your mind without judgment, beginning to see the personal self as impermanent, an illusion, and what is real as pure dynamic emptiness, the “now.”  Perfect calm and objectivity, whatever is going on, would be enlightenment, although instructors separate from Buddhism downplay that goal. The associated brain waves are Theta, found when monitoring internal processes, indicating that the brain is more relaxed than during focused attention.Automatic self-transcending practices. For Transcendental Meditation (TM) and Christian Centering Prayer (CCP) you sit in whatever way is comfortable and lie down if sleepy.  Although you use a word (CCP) or mantra (a meaningless sound, TM), the goal is for it to become fainter, until it disappears. What is left is more or less pure awareness, with minimal or no thoughts or feelings.  Thoughts are not discouraged, however, and even considered a necessary part.  When noticing thinking, one goes gently back to the word or mantra, moving toward deeper quiet. The emphasis is on no effort. Enlightenment occurs when the inner restful silence becomes a permanent background to life.  (You see how similar the goals are of all three.) The associated brain waves are Alpha 1, found when the brain is alert, relaxed, with internalized attention and expectancy.  Although TM instruction has a set course fee, financial aid is available.

Aging, Death, and our Dear Ted

Some of you have requested that I write about aging and death in relation to our trait.  This seems to be the right time: As some of you know, Ted Zeff, our hero in his tireless work for sensitive men and boys as well as all HSPs, left his body on August 18, after a long struggle with cancer.  Even during that period, and throughout his life, Ted had dedicated himself to other highly sensitive people, writing The Highly Sensitive Person’s Survival Guide, The Strong, Sensitive Boy,  and The Power of Sensitivity, along with doing so many helpful videos, blog posts, and media interviews. HSPs will miss him; even if you did not know him, his voice has helped us all.

I was able to visit Ted a few days before he died, at Amma’s San Ramon ashram, which is only about an hour from where I live. San Ramon is a rural part of the San Francisco Bay Area, a perfect place for this large ashram, with its buildings almost hidden by oak and madrone trees.  Tucked among these was the homelike hospice (maybe 10 rooms, mostly unoccupied) where Ted was living and dying. Just outside his open window there was a large garden, a mélange of fruits, vegetables, and flowers, well-tended in a jumbled, mid-summer, rural-California way. Ted loved that his bed was so close to nature.  So much an HSP!

As soon as I entered Ted’s room he told me how at peace he was and surrounded by love.  But he did not need to tell me. I could feel it from him, and see it in those I met who were lovingly caring for him.  Mainly I think these were other Amma devotees who were clearly long standing friends if his. But a beloved niece had just left and would be returning soon to help with his care, and his son was also nearby.  Ted seemed as happy as I had ever seen him.  

People kept visiting, many of them Indians, but he asked them to wait so that we could have some time together.  Clearly he was not just loved but much respected by everyone there. Indeed Amma herself had called him that morning from India, telling him she was with him and that they would be walking in the garden soon. We both knew the garden there was the physical form of that other reality Amma spoke of, just for him.  Ted was very dear to her (his name in the Amma community was Dayalu, meaning compassionate or kind).

We talked about the Highly Sensitive Men’s conference next March.  I was so sorry he would miss it, but he laughed and assured me he would be there.  I said we will put a photo of him on a table by the podium and dedicate the weekend to him.  (Later I and Will Harper, director of Sensitive the Untold Story and Sensitive and in Love, decided to make 2020 the year of the Highly Sensitive Man, partly in his honor.  I was able to convey this message to someone who told Ted at a time when he could hear it.)

We had never spoken much about the importance to each of us of our respective spiritual paths.  But it was sweet to share that now, while we meditated together for about 15 minutes. We knew we had met in that place of unity that is the goal of all spiritual practices.

Aging, Dying, and HSPs

I have been asked a number of times to write something about aging when you are highly sensitive.  I have felt I did not have much to say about it. In my experience, every individual simply becomes more of who they are as they age, less and less “just an HSP.”  Even with dementia, something unique and characteristic remains, at least in those I have watched decline.  

There are a few things to be said in general.  The research says most people, HSPs or not, if they are in reasonable health, are happier in their old age than young people expect they will be.  It helps to have strong social connections, an active mental and physical life, and a sense of some meaning or purpose (perhaps grandchildren, volunteer work, or study).   

While enough resources to be comfortable are important for everyone, I think this is more important for HSPs, since adequate resources allow you to live in a low stimulation environment, perhaps near nature, or wherever you like (without noise through the walls or ceiling!); to buy the food that suits you; and generally be in charge of your self-care.  

Notice I did not say enough money, but enough resources.  Money is one resource, but there other huge ones that you invest in throughout your life or are just lucky to have. One is having a family in which you really like being included, and taken care of by them when necessary, and they want to do that, include you, love you, take care of you.  

Groups of older people are increasing their resources by forming “villages” or cooperatives (in a community but not necessarily living side by side) and pooling their social resources (friendships, book clubs, teaching and taking courses, etc.) and their collective information about helpful local services (doctors, computer technicians, house cleaning, etc.).  There is usually some plan for end-of-life care as well.

Ted had another resource, the result of his years of work for Amma, allowing him to live and die in a loving, caring community.   We know all communities have tensions, but as he put it, working in this one functioned to “polish the stones.” So it also resulted in the growth of his character and his spiritual life.  It is ideal for HSPs when we can do work that we love, our calling, usually serving others, and at the same time grow personally while accruing those resources that are needed later in life.  His devotion to serving HSPs no doubt contributed to his financial and social resources as well.

One more way to age is by “riding the tiger.”  The tiger is the relentless passage of time, planning to devour us.  But if we find a way to use that time so that we grow with every passing day, we are harnessing that hungry tiger for our own purpose.  So what if our body parts age provided our spiritual part is growing? Then maybe when we “drop our body,” perhaps something else picks us up.   This could be the ultimate investment plan.

Graceful Boundaries Part IV: Boundaries in Dating and Close Relationships

As we have seen, boundaries are a huge topic.  So are close relationships.  Thus, I will stick to those in “romantic” relationships, new or long-standing, and not talk about close friends and family members.  Even with these limits, this grew to be very long.  I had to limit myself a bit with dating, but most of this applies well as you gradually grow closer to someone. Some of it applies to first dates.

As for those of you not in a romantic relationship now, I hope you can adapt many of these thoughts and suggestions to other types of close relationships and perhaps gain insight into past relationships we well.

Love and the Expansion of the Self

Art, my husband, has been studying close relationships since graduate school, when we met in Berkeley, California, in about 1967.  I have sometimes been involved as well. There was a hiatus for ten years while he researched meditation.  When he returned to the topic of close relationships, we wrote together an academic, theoretical book on it, Love and the Expansion of the Self:  Understanding Attraction and Satisfaction. It was published in 1986, about the time that I first began my interest in HSPs.  (Don’t try to buy this book on Amazon—the paperback is $400+ and the hardcover $200+!)

This book’s ideas went from being totally obscure, having been written by two almost unknown psychologists and based, no less on a Vedic text, to generating so much discussion and research within the field of the study of close relationships that self-expansion theory and the Inclusion of the Other in the Self (IOS) Scale that emerged from it have generated thousands of papers and conference presentations.

(If you doubt this, go to Google Scholar and look up “self expansion,” “Aron self expansion,” or any of the alternative search items below it.  The IOS Scale has been cited in scholarly research articles at least 3000 times.  The original book, now difficult to find, has been cited, according to Google Scholar, in other research articles 984 times as of today. Some of the extensions of the idea (not ours) are pretty funny:  Self expansion as including a brand in yourself (an extension to the field of marketing), including your cell phone in yourself, or including the person with whom you are sharing a joke.)

Why am I telling you all of this?  Be patient a little longer.  These were the two big ideas in the book:  That we all seek to expand ourselves—what we know, what we can do, what we possess or control, and just our sense of ourselves. This may seem very greedy and self-serving, but one of the main ways we expand ourselves is through loving another person—first when we fall in love, and then when (and if) we continue to self-expand through the relationship.

The IOS Scale, for seeing how much one has included the other in the self, is simply an image of a set of overlapping circles.  Those being studied choose the one that best describes how they experience the relationship they are in. (You can see the measure by search on the web for “IOS Scale Aron” and going to images.)  You might say that the circles represent each person’s personal boundary, and the overlap indicates how much they let each other in, include the other.  Most people choose moderately overlapping circles to indicate their relationship, but some couples indicate very little overlap or almost total overlap.  And of course, the two individuals may choose quite different images to describe their relationship.

Boundaries and the Unbounded

About the Vedic text which started all of this, it is a passage from the Upanishads (Bhrihadaranyaka, 4.V.1), saying something like this:  The love of the wife for the husband is not for the sake of the husband, but for the sake of the Self.  The love of the husband for the wife is not for the sake of the wife but for the sake of the Self.  Same for the love of children, wealth, and every other conceivable aspect of the “relative” world.  Socrates said the same thing, according to Plato, who recorded his ideas.  It all comes down to a not-yet-realized craving for the unmanifest, non-relative world of pure being, pure consciousness, God realization, satori, or whatever you want to call it.  How about, since we are talking about boundaries, the unbounded? Maybe that’s the ultimate graceful boundary.

According to Socrates and the Upanishads (and what is called the Wisdom or perennial tradition) both the self-centered and loving aspects of self expansion are all steps on a path to the big Self.  Maybe when we are young we want a pony.  If we get one, when we are a little older we lose interest in the pony and want a car.  Or a girlfriend or boyfriend.  If we get one, maybe we part and go in search of just the right one.  Then we marry.  But we get used to the person and get married and want kids, a better job, then more money, an even better car, travel all over the world—and we enjoy each for a while, but not forever. Or if we are not so lucky, we get stuck along the way, although some people stop this whole process and take a leap forward.  Because according, again, to this Upanishad, part of what’s called the Wisdom Tradition or Perennial Philosophy, nothing quite satisfies us because anything in the “relative” is finite and we get used to it.

We CAN experience the unbounded, really.  Many have.  And once people realize it is an achievable goal, for many it becomes the only goal.  Not that other things in life become unreal or not enjoyable.  They just lose their overwhelming importance.  For me, it makes it easier to let go of the small stuff, including having to have a relationship or a person be a certain way.  “It’s all relative.”  For a picture of it, here’s your big problem of today:

_______

How Close Do You Want to Be?

First a word about dating.  As you get to know someone, those circles begin to overlap more and more. There is a sense of rapid self expansion, always a wonderful feeling, as you include another in yourself.  But of course there will be hitches, places where you do not overlap, whether it is how far apart you live, your boundaries around sex, your politics, or your diet.  Most HSPs are slow to commit, thinking very carefully before taking each step that increases closeness.  And at least in the area of sex, compared to those women who are not HSPs, HS women report being more careful and also report fewer bad experiences and fears. It seems that our way works.  You still will make mistakes, but try not to let anyone rush you.   It’s best for them, too, that your decision be right.

Obviously people, dating or committed, vary in how close they want to be–how they want those overlapping circles to be overall and in different domains.  There are physical boundaries–some partners sleep in the same bed, some in separate beds, and some have separate homes across town. Emotional boundaries–do you want almost total openness and depth, or prefer a more private depth that you do not share with anyone?  Work boundaries–do you like to do a task alone or with the other?  Some run a business together, some say they could never work with their partner, as if the idea is absurd.   There are obviously boundaries around your time–how much of the time do you want to be together?  And money, since “time is money.”  Do you merge finances or keep them separate?   Some have the same interests and hobbies; some go their own way–one on a fishing trip and one on a pottery-making retreat. This is all true for close friends also.

Here is a big one:  How much do you share or want to have the same attitudes and values? Some have the same attitudes on almost everything; some do not on almost anything, including religion and politics.  Eeks–in the U.S., a red and a blue!  Or different sports teams! (Or sports versus no interest at all in sports.)

Here is an important potential difference—how much of a boundary is there between you as a couple and other people?  Do you like to have other people over? Are you both extraverts?  Or one yes, one no?  Is it okay to flirt or have sexual fantasies about someone outside the relationship, or even have sex with someone else?  Would you do it but not tell your partner?  Or would you never do that, and be upset if your partner did?  (With fantasies, there is a big difference between what goes on in your head and what you tell the other about or do.) What about having your closest friend be someone besides your partner?  Would that be okay for both of you?  Are you careful about talking about your partner to others, such as their parents or yours, or close friends, with the other present or not present?  Or do neither of you care or even expect confidentiality?

At some point differences may lead to lack of respect for the other. To me, love and respect seem almost the same, and sometimes these boundary differences lead to the end of a relationship.  But we can even differ even on how much we can differ before we lose respect for the other.  Often, we learn from our families or our culture where the boundaries should be.  “Of course, partners differ,” or “Of course, you agree with your husband (or wife) if you want to get along and be happy.”  These days we probably learn from trial and error how to handle all these boundaries in a relationship. I don’t think there’s a right or wrong here, as long as you come to an agreement that works for you both.

The main thing is that early in a relationship or when it is time for the relationship to change and grow, it is important for you to be clear about what you want your boundaries with the other to be. This might change.  However, if you do not have some desires, and the other does, it will naturally turn out according to the one who does care.  As an HSP, you may have clear desires, but also feel your desires are a bit odd or that you don’t want to make the other person unhappy if you can possibly avoid it.  If you have not thought about it, maybe do it now:  How would you like your boundaries to be in these areas—physical, emotional, work related, time spent together, money merger, and shared interests, attitudes, and values?

Potential Boundary Problems for HSPs in Close Relationships

Where do we run into problems?  Let’s begin with over-stimulation and downtime. When we are overstimulated, over-aroused, stressed out, overwhelmed, and “about to lose it” or shut down in hostile silence, we need rest.  We need a break from the stimulation.  Downtime.  Sometimes we need it so much that no one else’s boundaries seem to matter.  We hardly feel any love anymore either. “Everybody just get away from me.”  But the fact is that you need your significant other to support and encourage you to take downtime.  You do not want that person resenting your need—although with time they should learn that they are better off for seeing you get downtime.  But in the short run, this is a place to hold on a few minutes more and be graceful.

Some of this can be done beforehand.  Be sure your partner understands that this is not about you not wanting to be around them.  Not at all.  You want to be able to be with them and enjoy your time together, but you can’t until after you get a break. When you are desperate in the moment for that break, hang on long enough to say where you are going and for how long, and ask your partner if this is all right.  If it isn’t okay, pause, take a deep breath, and see if you can negotiate this.  Rest is just a few more minutes away. If your partner consistently does not want you to take downtime, you have a bigger problem.

All that sounds like an HSP with someone who is not.  But what about two HSPs?  Each of you understands the need for downtime, but if anything has to be done, you will have to alternate by seeing whose need is greater at the moment.  Again, you will need flexible boundaries.

What about other boundary issues for HSPs in close relationships?  One is that HSPSs often do capitulate, adjusting their boundaries too often for the needs of others.  Their empathy makes them feel the other’s needs must be greater. But you must consider whose needs are greater around this boundary?  If you do not speak up when your need is greater, the relationship will suffer and you will be forcing your partner into a selfish stance without any chance to do otherwise.

HSPs also may fear conflict or just dislike it, so they would prefer to give in. I find that partners (and children, co-workers, and even pets) sometimes have learned, perhaps unconsciously, that they will get their way if they make such a fuss–use so much volume—that their HSP will find it too overstimulating and back down.  You will have to endure the fuss sometimes and make yours even bigger, for the sake of love prevailing over ranking.

You can exert power in other ways besides raising your volume, by the way. It’s a way to role model that for the others in your life too.  Use your insight:  “I notice you just changed the subject by venting about all sorts of other things.  You often do that to avoid our calmly talking about something, especially when the status quo is suiting you, but this time we are going to keep discussing this until we are both satisfied.”  Use some confrontation: “I know you think you can get your way by making a big fuss until I back down, but it isn’t going to work this time (any longer).”  Or brute fact:  “I hear you that you really don’t feel like taking out the compost tonight but it has to be done by one of us tonight.  It seems that I am more exhausted than you are, given you are about to go for a bike ride with your friends.”  Then there is Nonviolent Communication (very useful for HSPs–see Marshall Rosenberg). “Can you tell me why you don’t want to take out the garbage?” Listen for your partner’s needs behind the refusal.  Often it is a need for autonomy. Not to feel outranked. Nagged.  Shamed.  It may be that just putting more linking, more love, into the request would help. “We both have some plans for tonight—me to go rest and you to take that bike ride. I know the bike ride is important to you and I’d like you to be able to go soon.  The rest is essential to me.  Any ideas for how we solve this? Maybe you do it on the way out?  Or I do it another night, one when it would ordinarily be your turn?”

What about times that you are the one rigidly insisting on your boundaries?  Do you sometimes zealously exert your “HSP rights,” proudly and without compromise?  Mostly this will be to avoid over-stimulation in a situation where your partner would enjoy your company or you have different stimulation boundaries—physical, emotional, or any of the others.  You hate shopping malls, or sporting events, or entertainment with loud music. You do not like parties or even having people over. Can you go ahead, be flexible about these boundaries, and sometimes endure for the other’s sake?  Be sure your partner knows you are doing a favor that will not always happen. But also do it with good will, not complaining.  You made the choice.  As we will discuss below, your act should be out of love, out of linking, not out of ranking, yours in this case.  Those with high rank get to set the boundaries.  You do not want to often or always give in because you have a lower rank, just as you do not want to “rule the roost” by insisting you deserve a higher rank.

Here is another example.  Suppose you as an HSP have found that you would sleep better in your own bed, not sharing one.  You feel you need to.  The other feels that romantic partners naturally sleep together.  To your partner, it is a necessity if the relationship is going to feel right.  The question is, whose need is stronger?  Attachment, including physical expressions of it, can be a strong need in some people. And as you will see below, it could be an issue for you as well in this situation, if you have an “avoidance style.”

The point is, do not drift into always feeling right about having firm boundaries in the name of self-care.  Close relationships require negotiation. (By the way, research finds that on average people sharing a bed sleep less well, but live longer!) The ideal is that you feel you are or you were free to choose what works best for both of you.  That you are not rigidly bound by the experience of past failed relationships, yours or the other’s.  Some people have been so damaged by prior relationships, especially in childhood, that they must push the boundaries to the extreme: Rarely together or always on top of each other.  Never agreeing or always agreeing.  Never revealing their feelings or expressing them uncontrollably. Never overlapping circles, or wishing they were entirely overlapping. Let’s talk about how these extremes develop and revolve around ranking, not loving.

Attachment Styles and HSPs

As some of you know, ranking and linking (think of linking as a matter of degree, of liking or loving) and attachment style are two of my favorite subjects.  Actually, in close relationships they are usually the same subject.  If you have an insecure attachment style, this will make it much harder to have the right boundaries in close relationships.

Now, about attachment styles (patterns, working models)–we learn these in early childhood.  These are the models we use to help us decide the best way to get what we need from our caregivers, which is a lot when we are very young. Infants quickly learn to adopt a pattern based on what they have observed about their parents, their first close relationship.  By sticking to these styles in childhood, we are more likely to make it to adulthood, fed, clothed, and not too mistreated.  We also tend to stick to the same pattern in adulthood when we are in a close relationship.  The mind decides that on important subjects like this, the past is the best predictor of the future.

It is generally agreed that there are three styles.  The first is to have a secure attachment, so that as children we are confident, we are loved, and as adults we expect usually to like people and for them to like us.  In relationships we can be honest, close, freely offer support or turn to the other for support when needed, yet feel independent.

There are two insecure styles. However, the two types are not as rigid as they sound—you might use both styles at different times or with different people.

The anxious model or style results from inconsistent parenting in childhood.  Those with this pattern had to learn to please and cling in order to get what they needed.  Otherwise they could be abandoned or betrayed, another child favored.  As adults, those with the anxious style have that same drive to please, cling, and worry about abandonment. In a close relationship they are actually somewhat ambivalent, wanting closeness but fearing emotional openness.

The avoidant pattern is more often the product of neglect or disinterest on the part of the parent.  Whining, clinging, or acting needy or even asking might mean you get even worse care. The child learns to seem to get along without the caregiver.  “Be tough” is the motto.  But as children or adults, those caught in this pattern are always insecure down under that surface indifference.  As adults they seem preoccupied or self-centered, perhaps focused on comforts (giving themselves what they did not receive as children.)  They may still say they want a “close” relationship.  But as soon as you get close, they back off, and as soon as you give up on them, they act interested again.  It is common for those with anxious and avoidant styles to get together—and make each other miserable, as they expect close others to do. It is probably true that to help someone with the avoidant style, the person must first accept a more openly anxious model.

Do HSPs more often have insecure attachment style?  The research data vary on that, but almost half of the general population had childhoods that left them insecurely attached, and if an HSP does have an insecure attachment style, it may affect them more, especially since it was probably in combination with their high sensitivity not being understood.  So, what I am saying would probably apply to half of you at least, and be the cause of most of your boundary problems.  If you have an anxious attachment style, you probably want to set boundaries that may seem, to a partner or friend, too close, as if you want to merge with them. But do you really get your needs met this way, or does the other just fall into the rank that is left, higher? If your style is avoidant, you probably try not to let those circles overlap, managing to stay distant yet connected.

Attachment, Ranking, and Linking—and What to Do

Now you see the connection between ranking, linking, and attachment?  Those with secure styles are flexible with their boundaries according to the situation, wanting to please others but not having to, and expecting others to be the same way.   When they were children, their parents’ boundaries (limits, rules) were clearly there out of love or along with love.  As adults their boundaries are based on linking as much as possible, without neglecting their own needs.

Those with an anxious style had to accept a lower rank and their inner model tells them to do the same with any adult they want to be close to. They have learned that the one with high rank chooses when to leave, when to say.  So, their behavior says “Whatever you want. I’m doing all I can to keep you happy–please don’t leave me.”

Those with an avoidant style ranked lower than their parents as children, but it did not help them to grovel.  As soon as possible, they wanted a high rank too, to feel in control of their lives.  As adults they still feel safest with a high rank— “I don’t need you—I have everything I want.”  They can seem to be or are narcissists, but not always.  If they are in a close relationship, which they unconsciously crave, they are potentially weakened.  They feel anxious underneath that indifference, so they say in effect, “if you want to be close to me, then you must please me. Do what I say. Admire me. Need me. Preserve my high rank. Prove you are not like all the others.”

Insecures of either type are hard to live with.  Whatever their parents did to make them insecure, ranking predominated in their family of origin. They hardly know what real love is.  Becoming aware of how the attachment style of you and your partner is affecting your boundary setting is a big step.  But if one or both of you have either insecure style, doing something is even bigger and harder. Sometimes it changes slowly with a secure, reassuring partner who understands when you are acting from insecurity, and probably loves you for other reasons and in spite of those times.

Usually the change comes over a long with a psychotherapist who works specifically with attachment issues (this will not be cognitive behavioral therapy, but Emotion Focused Therapy).  There is even a couples’ therapy based on attachment style (Emotion Focused Couples Therapy), perhaps the best way to heal it if you are in a close relationship.

Here ends my discussion of Graceful Boundaries.  I have set a boundary and stopped!  I hope some of it has helped you.  May you overlap just to the amount you desire.

Graceful Boundaries, Part III – Controlling your Boundaries is all about Volume

Being kind yet clear, compassionate yet self-protective, honest yet discreet—it really does require grace.  But to be clear:  There’s nothing graceful about having no control over your boundaries.

We HSPs like to consider the needs of others and the situation before we pursue our own wishes. “I wonder what the rest of you are needing right now.”  Good.  If we have an idea, we start by gracefully making it a very tentative observation.  “I’ve been noticing that…”  “Perhaps we might consider…”  Good.

Sometimes, however, we really need someone to get out of our space, pay attention to our observation, or meet a non-negotiable need.  If we are not heard, it is important to the well-being of ourselves and others that we turn up the volume. By volume I do not just mean loudness, but increasing clarity in our message, bluntness even.  You no longer speak in a roundabout way.  Often clarity is all it takes. “I need you to…”  If clarity is not enough, you use words that begin to hint at real consequences (“You are going to have to, or…”) and a gaze and posture that says you may, or you do, or you definitely do “mean business.”

What I like about the metaphor of volume is that volume can be ever so soft or straight out yelling, and anywhere in between.  As an HSP you by nature start soft.  (But at least remember to look the other person in the eyes rather than looking down or away.)  As an example, you might start with, “Gee, I’m getting a bit chilly.”  HSPs would immediately offer to turn up the heat.  But not everyone hears such words.  Then, “Are you feeling a bit cold too?”  Fine unless they say “No” and go on with what they are doing.  Then you get clear:  “Could you please turn up the heat?”  Now you might hear that the other person has very good reason not to.  However, what if you have someone just being stubborn, maybe your teenager and you hear back, “I don’t feel like getting up.”  Or from the manager of a hotel.  “No one else has complained about the heat.”  (Yeah, sure—this is about saving money of course.)  Now it all depends on the situation, but imagine saying, “Turn up the heat now.  No more excuses.  If you won’t…”  And you have consequences, like “…I’ll check out right now and have my credit card company cancel my payment” (they will do it) “… I look forward to contacting the management.”  And there’s always Yelp. You do not have to be obnoxious.  Just very firm.  You should at least be negotiating at this point, and stand firm in your negotiation too.  Hard?  Let’s look at it with non-humans.

HSPs, Horses, and Volume

When Alane Fruend and I do our HSPs and Horses workshops, we have learned that with HSPs one of our most important jobs is to work on volume.  Horses weigh at least 1000 pounds, so your boundaries have to be clear and you have no choice but to turn up the volume until you get what you need for your own safety.  Your preference for being gentle is not an option, at least not until it is clear you that you will not stop until you have what you want.

This brings us to the fact that humans, horses, and just about all other social animal engages in both ranking and linking.  They have dominance hierarchies, they rank each other; and they link, they have “friends,” which does not involve rank.  Both.

HSPs generally want to “link,” connect in a loving way (good, of course), not “rank,” not pushing to be the one in charge.   But with some individuals, including horses, ranking must come first.  They live in hierarchies (as do we all, whether at work, in a family, or in a social activity such as a sport).  Horses don’t necessarily want to be the leader—which is always the “alpha” mare, by the way.  Women take note.  The stallion, alpha among the bachelors, guards the herd from danger and other stallions, but the lead mare makes the decisions for the group.  Yes, the alpha horse in a pasture gets your apple.  Nobody else.  But the leaders of herds also are the ones in most danger, out there in front when the herd is moving.  In particular, horses feel safer when their human leader is decisive, since the human is generally in charge and one wants a good human leader.   But if the human is indecisive, the horse takes over.  The horse thinks it must do it, to keep you both safe.

Just One Measly Step Back

The HSP’s natural preference for linking is why we have them practice using volume with the horses.  It’s a perfect set up.  Each HSP stands at one end of an eight-foot lead rope facing a horse with the other end of the rope attached to the horse’s halter, and at first the rope sags so that it rest a bit the ground between them.  Then the HSP is shown how to make the horse back up just one step by adjusting volume.  They start with a nice suggestion: “I suggest you back up,” and barely moving the rope with a finger.  If there’s no response, they go to asking: “I’m asking you to back up,” and moving the wrist so the horse feels the movement.  Nothing could be clearer.  If that does not get the horse to step back, they move up to tell: “Back up,” and swinging the rope from the elbow.  Now the rope is flapping right in front of the horse’s nose.  They don’t like that.  It is usually not necessary to go to demand:  Shouting “Back up” and swinging the whole arm, lashing the rope up and down in the horse’s face.  The equine is never struck, but truly annoyed and feeling dominated. They back up fast.

HSPs really struggle with this activity, showing us vividly what HSPs need to learn.  At the start, with a hesitant person and a bored horse, getting the horse to back up may require considerable volume, going past suggest and ask to tell.  (Demanding is rarely required, since these horses know this exercise, know what they are supposed to do, and would prefer not to go there). The horse is willing to obey if their HSP means it.  But they can feel when their HSP is only halfhearted about it.  So the bored horse may be looking around, being clear that it is more interested in what else is going on than attending to this indecisive bother.

Why does it often take a long time for HSPs to get what they want, that single step back by the horse?  They explain that they fear they will hurt the horse, the horse will come not to like them, or they just don’t like being so mean, aggressive, or whatever.  They just don’t like doing it. Maybe they want to pet the horse and ask it sweetly to back up, which never works unless maybe you have already established your higher rank.  Once you do, horses are often immediately cooperative and fond of you as well.  And what is the choice, we point out, when the issue is who is in control?  You are being ignored, and next the horse may come up and get in your space, so that you are at risk of being stepped on by huge feet, or what if you are being charged by a dangerous horse (not the ones we use)?

You can see the parallels in your own life. You can walk yourself through this exercise (although it is hard to substitute doing it physically with a horse). But next time you have to use your volume, consider whether you are worried that you will hurt someone else’s feelings or that the person will not like you anymore, or you just find asserting yourself distasteful.  Impolite.  Okay, but if this person pushes you around as if they weighed a thousand pounds, ignoring you or stepping on you, remember you are connected by the invisible rope of your relationship, and flap that thing!  You may find that you are both more respected and better liked.

Becoming at Expert at Linking and Ranking in your Human “Herd”

Power means influence, and you have seen people influence either a person or a horse by hitting, yelling, or threatening them, or by gently teaching and showing the advantage of their way, or by being a leader by having a  reputation for being wise, kind, usually right, or simply a good and trustworthy person. It pays to earn respect the in this more HSP way, by becoming a skillful listener, negotiator, and persuader, at each level of volume (suggest, ask, tell, demand).  You can earn that respect, or you may already have it, as many HSPs do, and not know it.

Remember, however, that some people are in ranking mode most of the time (not very nice to be around) and can easily hear politeness as weakness or low rank.  They think they can ignore you or talk you into something or push harder and get their way.   How do people indicate rank?  Mainly, the one higher in rank gets to set the boundaries.  They can use your stuff, you can’t use theirs. Tell you what to do but they can’t tell you.  Enter your room without knocking; you are not allowed to enter theirs. Sometimes it is as subtle as sitting down in the more comfortable chair or not being on time and then not apologizing.

Of course we all live in hierarchies and we may have a low rank in some of them.  But usually with humans, underneath the formal rank, and there is an additional sense of informal ranking, the respect or power granted to some more than others.  Why not be among the more influential?  True, the alpha mare is exposed to risk, but she does it for the greater good.  Maybe, like her, your experience and sensitivity means you can see better than others what should be done.   So step up in rank, by being forthright, by simply continuing to raise your volume (suggest, ask, tell…and you rarely need demand), expressing your opinion, standing your ground. Demanding may seem too hard, but if you know that you will go to demand if necessary—exactly what you will say and the consequence you would and could impose—you rarely have to go to that demanding level.  People, like horses, can sense whether you would.

HSPs often underestimate their power.  For example, if you are the best at some difficult task at work, that gives you concrete influence when you ask for something.  Use it. “I’d like to work from home more, and if you give me a month at it, I can prove that I can be even more productive.”  “Please turn off the radio.  Otherwise I cannot solve this problem you just gave me.” If you are low in rank, find a way to move up before you ask for things.  Just the fact you are an HSP is not enough.  It is not a disability so do not give that impression.  As you can, demonstrate that it is a benefit to the organization.

Grace Again

You see graceful boundaries with the best horse trainers.  They make it look easy.  Horse and trainer come to be of one mind.  It is not all about dominance. Horses, like HSPs, can notice things most humans miss.   Good horse people respect this and pay attention to a horse’s natural sensitivity when the animal signals being over stimulated, in pain, hesitant, cautious, anxious, or just that something’s coming (long before the human knows).  Good people generally can learn to pay attention to HSPs when they signal something, whether a warning or an opportunity, that others need to know.  Reaching an easy understanding about each other’s boundaries is not as difficult as it sounds, once you establish yourself as deserving respect for your sensitivity.  A lot of it is feeling you deserve respect, and not messing around with those who cannot see that.  If you are a skilled and sensitive horse trainer, and you have just a plain mean horse to deal with, you don’t take it on. You don’t try to dominate it.  You might watch closely to try to understand the meanness.  Maybe it has to do with past abuse. But if that fails, you just walk away. If it’s the lead mare in a herd, she might even drive off a meanie. If it’s a plain mean human, do the same.

Graceful Boundaries – Part II

To sum up Graceful Boundaries Part I, when needing to say no, of course it is important, especially to us, to be graceful by being polite, but without sounding weak. I also said that we do have innately somewhat thin boundaries, which is part of what gives us our depth of processing and empathy. But like all boundaries in any system, we should aim to let in what we want and keep out what we don’t want, such as stimulation to the point we are overstimulated–perhaps, for example, by tasks or social events we need to exclude by saying no.

Part II contains a bit more about the usefulness of thin boundaries, thanks to a poem I wrote years ago that I discovered coincidentally after writing Part I.  In that first piece, I used the metaphor of windows—windows as boundaries between the world and ourselves. To my surprise, the title of this long-lost poem was “Windows.”

Next, I explore in this part whether we HSPs ever unintentionally violate the boundaries of others.  I was going to then return to “volume” (the overall “amplitude” of our message, not only in sound but in bluntness, etc.).  The sensitive use of volume is the key to graceful boundaries. But this entire subject of boundaries lacks boundaries! So I will discuss volume in Part III and boundaries in close relationships in Part IV.  If there’s a Part V, feel free to delete it!

Now that poem, written in about 1992:

Windows

Flung open at dawn to a subtle sky,

Now they gape black, too wide.

I already smell the wrong smells—

Wet wool, wet wood, wet raffia and silk.

I turn on the light to apologize

To the marred dresser

And take the blame for the blurring of the bold Gujarat rug.

Things inside should not be so exposed

To defend all day, all alone,

Their inferiority (that modesty and shyness

For which I myself have praised them)

With nothing but shuddering lace

Between them and the vagrant storm.

Another Time Thin Boundaries Can Be a Strength

I came upon the poem while trying to sort and mostly toss stuff from way back in my past.  I had completely forgotten writing it, probably on purpose. The poem dated back to a time when I was a patient in depth psychotherapy, being inundated by painful forgotten memories and horrific dreams.  My boundaries between past and present, conscious and unconscious, were super thin. The dream was about just that, the boundary between the stormy process and my tidy ego had been left open.

Yet this is another case where I am convinced that an innate tendency to thin boundaries was helpful.   If the sources of the “presenting problem” run deep, psychotherapy that does not get down to these basic is often only a band-aid. And while the research is not yet clear on the point, I am convinced that HSPs can heal faster just because they can go deeper. So that is another advantage of thin boundaries.  Further, I was functioning fine in the outer world, even when I felt depressed or anxious, so there was a boundary there between the inner work and the outer work that was thick. HSPs can do this (and it is necessary when doing such deep work).

When We Compensate with Overly Thick Boundaries

But do we ever overcompensate by becoming mostly a system with thick boundaries?  Do we temporarily or generally shut out not some but all of the pain in the world, or our own pain, or even new ideas? “No, I will not think about that.” “No, I am not going to feel that.”  Can we end up not saying “yes” enough? Not saying it even in a “thin” sort of way, with uncertainty? “Well, okay, maybe I will try it.” “I’ll considerate it.” “Yes, I will think about it.”

When I showed my son the script for the film Highly Sensitive and in Love, which was emphasizing the need for boundaries and self-care, he commented that it all sounded kind of self-centered.  He thought HSPs were more compassionate and generous than others.

I think we are, and we corrected the movie to show that caring side.  Again, it’s important to be kind, even while we set good boundaries. If we have the energy to help, of course we do. But helping can be harder and less effective when we are exhausted.  That’s why we emphasize boundaries and self-care, to be able to be more helpful, in the way that works best for you.

When it comes to setting boundaries gracefully, I like aiming to “Speak the truth but speak it sweetly.”  We can emphasize what we can do, even if it is less than requested, or why we can’t but value the person or event or the commitment of the person asking you.  Overall, I like the analogy of having a soft front and a firm spine rather than a hard front and a soft spine.

The key is being able to discriminate, and anticipating when to shift from thick to thin and back to thick as needed.  Your friend would like a loan. You’ve loaned money before and he had to be reminded to pay it back. You drifted apart, but still like him, money difficulties or not. He promises to do better this time.  You listen a bit more, then maybe close the money shutters. But if he sounds sincerely changed, thoughtful of you, and understanding of the importance of trust between friends; if he is truly in need and you could afford to lose this sum in the worst case, that’s like a friend serenading you at your window. Whether he sings perfectly or not, you open up.  

Can HSPs Violate the Boundaries of Others without Noticing?

Hmm, that could be very ungraceful.  Someone asked me that and I had never thought about it.  Yes, of course, although rarely intentionally, knowing how much we dislike others doing it, and being so quick to notice the boundaries of others.  You know, the grocery shopping thing. We tend to know where others shoppers are around us and when they want to pass by, and often put our baskets somewhere out of the way to avoid jamming the aisles.  How many others bother? About 20%!

Still, it seems very important to explore how we might violate the boundaries of others.  I can imagine myself asking a question that is deep and interesting to me, invoking personal opinions or experiences, and a less sensitive person finding the subject a trespass, at least at this stage in our relationship or with others around who can hear.  I know I have probably wrongly said, “It sounds like you and your mom don’t get along very well. What happened?”

Or I have assumed communication skills that were not there. “I’m sure you didn’t mean that—the last thing you want to do is shame the other person if you want to make your point.”  

Or. I can imagine myself being bored of chit chat with an acquaintance and conjuring up something from the depths such as, “I wonder, do you think the human race is making progress?”   There’s a conversation stopper—a demand (a push on a boundary) that someone less in the habit of processing deeply ought to conform to my interests, whatever theirs.

Or “Time travel fascinates me.  What’s the evidence that we can travel in time?  The space-time continuum for one. It makes you think, doesn’t it?”  The other’s face says, “No, it never has.”

Ever had anyone bothered by you because you often seem to know what’s the best thing to do?  It’s like you are bubbling over with opinions based on your depth of processing of whatever is up at the moment. “No, that hike will be too hot today.” “No, we’ve already tried that restaurant and you hated the food.” “If you go that way, we’re going to be stuck in traffic.”  And once again you have traipsed through their thoughts and plans, as if jumping right over their causally considered little fences, those feeble boundaries, which they might have preferred you to respect.

Ever had people feel you could almost read their minds, which felt like a violation to them?

What about when we “get in a complex,” about politics or the state of the world or the environment.  Or health. Have you ever had someone, probably another HSP, shower you with advice if you mention a sore back or repeated indigestion, but the advice leaves you anxiously doubting the solutions you are already pursuing?  Have you ever been told about the dangers to your health or to the environment of certain foods (that you happen to love)? Okay, now think, have you ever done this to others? If someone is having trouble at work or with a friendship, have you ever so gently slathered on advice from when “the very same thing happened to me”? We are certain we are being helpful, but have we checked whether our opinions are really wanted or going to be helpful?

If we have so much intuition and empathy, we need to apply it to rein in our depth of processing and strong opinions when it is too far ahead of the person we are with. Be graceful.

Anyway, I have now rethought why one version of the Christian prayer that says, “forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.” It says that our “sins” are all about boundary violations.  It could go, “Forgive us for ignoring others’ boundaries as we forgive those who have ignored ours.”

Okay, in our distress or over-zealousness, we can trespass.  But obviously this is not our main issue. So in Part III we will return to the subject of maintaining our own boundaries.  Boundaries are a metaphor for something invisible most of the time, so we will take up another metaphor, volume (you might say amplitude of response in all its forms) for how boundaries are made at least audible, and sometimes quite visible.  Remember the old cartoons with one person hitting another over the head with a frying pan? Now that’s high volume.

Graceful Boundaries – Part I

While working on the movie Sensitive and in Love, I was looking at the book Highly Sensitive People in Love and noticed I never discussed boundaries directly, although the subject was there often.  Many people now are writing about HSPs and boundaries, so I think I will chime in, first with the basics, then something more.

The Brief Course

If you just want advice about boundaries, most of us agree that the main thing is being able to say “no.”  Here’s the brief course.

Make sure you are clear.  Most HSPs give hints and make suggestions that others do not hear for what they really are.  Don’t say “maybe,” “I’ll try,” or “if I can” when you really mean no.  That’s part of “volume.”  You can be clear yet also polite and caring.You don’t have to give a reason.Only you know if you are overloaded. Probably they would not have asked you if they knew it would be hard on you.  You have to decide when it would be, and give them the chance to be kind to you by not overloading you unknowingly.Delay if you are having trouble deciding what you want to do:  “I’ll get back to you.”Don’t answer face to face if it would be easier to say no by voice mail, text, or email.The person with “higher rank” gets to set the boundaries: takes the best seat, the quieter spot, the bigger office, makes the rules, assigns tasks, and generally gets his or her way.  So you need to feel equally or more important.  If the other does not see you that way, work on that.

The Back Story

What are boundaries?  A well-functioning, open (not isolated) system, as described by systems theory, has the boundaries that are best suited to its needs. Whatever the system, it tries to take in what is good for it and keep out what is not good for it, whether it is your home, your body, or each cell in your body. Everyone tries to keep out flu viruses and take in air.  To keep burglars and dirt out of their house but  take in groceries, electricity, and water.

Most systems also produce something, even if just its own autonomy and internal functions.  But an open system usually produces more.  Even a car, even a coffee maker or a radio, takes in energy and gives out material stuff (radios give out sound waves).

Not all boundaries are visible all the time. Often the boundaries are more psychological or learned than real.  Or only on paper. Think of families—some members might be step parents, step children or adopted. Think of the globe with all those national boundaries.  Just lines on a map–often no fences, just entry points.  But they produce passports, language differences, tariffs, and other very tangible effects.

Systems also have boundaries within the ultimate boundary.  Boundaries among states or provinces within a country, or cells and organs with in a body.  Could an entire system have “thin” boundaries, both the larger system and its parts?  Ernest Hartmann raises this question as it pertains to us.

Thin Boundaries, Another Way to Think about Us

We tend to think of HSPs as having very permeable boundaries in some sense.  A fine book on the subject, really about HSPs, is Boundaries of the Mind by psychiatrist Ernest Hartmann.  It’s about “thin skinned people,” especially those in the mind: Between conscious and unconscious, waking and sleep, dreams and memory of dreams, adult versus child identity, the preference for tidy versus fluid, the feeling of being psychic, and so forth.  And quite a few of them, he thinks, are similar in their thickness or thinness within an individual.  His book was written in 1991, but you can still buy it online.  I recommend it.  It even has a test for boundaries, thick or thin, with over 130 questions.

I was not more enthusiastic about his book at first because the research is sketchy and he is too inclusive.  For example, an HSP introvert might have different social boundaries than an HSP extrovert.  Nor does he fully delineate causes for variations in boundaries–those that are innate versus caused by defenses or traumas.  For example, if someone has been hurt they may have very tight boundaries to keep out pain.  The boundaries might be thick to avoid physical pain (gloves to avoid blisters or germs, being extra careful about knives, fires, etc.).  Or their social boundaries might be thick to avoid psychological pain (avoidant attachment style for example, or self-defenses against shame such as blaming others).

Thin Boundaries are Not Always Innate  

Just as thick boundaries are not always innate, thin boundaries can also be learned as a defense rather than being inborn as is the case with HSPs.  They might be due, for example, to never having been allowed to develop the basic boundary that delineates self from others in childhood, through for example making decisions for one’s self, being allowed some privacy, and simply being permitted to protest injustices or avoid cruelty.  These all tend to be denied to children who are not allowed boundaries. Since the process of discrimination itself is discouraged, this can atrophy the inner boundaries among parts as well.  Really, the boundaries are not just thin but non-existent. Rather than thinking through the complexities of life, such as between reality and the imagined, or among various subtle distinctions, they may oversimplify as adults. That is, there might be a lack of enough boundaries among types of things: “All education is a waste of time.” In fact, maybe some is, some may not be, and some is definitely not.

This lack of personal boundaries can also happen in adults who are enslaved in some way or those with very few rights for any reason.  (“Yes boss, whatever you say boss.”)

In contrast to a lack of boundaries that are due to adapting to domination by others, we think HSPs are generally born with thin boundaries as a strategy for general survival and which are then adjusted by life experience. That is, as a social or physical defense they might even thicken, so to speak.  But that original thinness remains in some ways and allows them to be more sensitive to their environment, good or bad (sometime misperceived as good or bad), and adjust accordingly.

I like that Hartmann, along with most HSPs, tries to be very objective, neither thinking thin nor thick is better.  Not surprisingly, however, in his extensive experience on the subject, he has met many people thinking one or the other really is better.  (How difficult it is for humans see two things as equal). At the extremes they are certainly quite different.

Graceful Boundaries

I think it is easy for us to get stuck on the idea that HSPs have “poor boundaries” and need to thicken them by learning to say no, and that’s it. It requires more than that to make full use of our thin boundaries gracefully.  If you think of a window, it can be wide open, closed but no curtain, covered with a lace curtain, heavily draped, or shuttered and barred.  Personally, I love how the French handle windows:  You can see a charming French woman hanging out of her open window chatting or watering her window box.  When she withdraws, you see her lace curtains swaying in the breeze.  If she wants quiet, she closes the windows but you still see the lace.  When day is done, the shutters are closed over the windows. Discriminating. Graceful.

What about the charm of wide open windows?  Letting things in more easily than others?  We do not want to rule out letting things in for the sake of keeping things out–toss the baby out with the bath water, with the soap, soup, supper, baby blanket, baby powder, or baby sitter. Out the window.  My point there was that thin boundaries among many subtle types or categories we have observed can help us see unusual, interesting connections, so that we can be creative or even just funny or silly.  That is, thin boundaries are another way of understanding DOES.  Our depth of processing is due to letting more in.

For example, many of us have thin boundaries among categories.  Not just what a baby might be thrown out with, but, for example, “good” or “bad” food may be this, this, or this, not simply one category or what the label says it is.  We also have thin boundaries between past, present, and future.  We can think back over all of our experiences, make use of our careful observations in the present, and have better ideas to act on in the future. Depth of processing also flows out of thin boundaries between conscious and what is presently not conscious, but stored in memory.  And what others’ are feeling and what we are feeling.  We let it all into the mix.  Hence we can be more conscientious, more reflective when making decisions or more attuned to others’ subtle cues.

Next time, in Part II, we’ll think how HSPs can unwittingly violate the boundaries of others due to their trait.  We’ll explore more about “volume.” And see what do horses have to do with it.

Graceful Boundaries, Part I

While working on the movie Sensitive and in Love, I was looking at the book Highly Sensitive People in Love and noticed I never discussed boundaries directly, although the subject was there often.  Many people now are writing about HSPs and boundaries, so I think I will chime in, first with the basics, then something more.

The Brief Course

If you just want advice about boundaries, most of us agree that the main thing is being able to say “no.”  Here’s the brief course.

Make sure you are clear.  Most HSPs give hints and make suggestions that others do not hear for what they really are.  Don’t say “maybe,” “I’ll try,” or “if I can” when you really mean no.  That’s part of “volume.”  You can be clear yet also polite and caring.You don’t have to give a reason.Only you know if you are overloaded. Probably they would not have asked you if they knew it would be hard on you.  You have to decide when it would be, and give them the chance to be kind to you by not overloading you unknowingly.Delay if you are having trouble deciding what you want to do:  “I’ll get back to you.”Don’t answer face to face if it would be easier to say no by voice mail, text, or email.The person with “higher rank” gets to set the boundaries: takes the best seat, the quieter spot, the bigger office, makes the rules, assigns tasks, and generally gets his or her way.  So you need to feel equally or more important.  If the other does not see you that way, work on that.

The Back Story

What are boundaries?  A well-functioning, open (not isolated) system, as described by systems theory, has the boundaries that are best suited to its needs. Whatever the system, it tries to try to take in what is good for it and keep out what is not good for it, whether it is your home, your body, or each cell in your body. Everyone tries to keep out flu viruses and take in air.  To keep burglars and dirt out of their house but  take in groceries, electricity, and water.

Most systems also produce something, even if just its own autonomy and internal functions.  But an open system usually produces more.  Even a car, even a coffee maker or a radio, takes in energy and gives out material stuff (radios give out sound waves).

Not all boundaries are visible all the time. Often the boundaries are more psychological or learned than real.  Or only on paper. Think of families—some members might be step parents, step children or adopted. Think of the globe with all those national boundaries.  Just lines on a map–often no fences, just entry points.  But they produce passports, language differences, tariffs, and other very tangible effects.

Systems also have boundaries within the ultimate boundary.  Boundaries among states or provinces within a country, or cells and organs with in a body.  Could they all be permeable or not depending on the larger system?

Thin Boundaries, Another Way to Think about Us

We tend to think of HSPs as having very permeable boundaries in some sense.  A fine book on the subject, really about HSPs, is Boundaries of the Mind by psychiatrist Ernest Hartmann.  It’s about “thin skinned people,” especially those in the mind: Between conscious and unconscious, waking and sleep, dreams and memory of dreams, adult versus child identity, the preference for tidy versus fluid, the feeling of being psychic, and so forth.  And quite a few of them, he thinks, are similar in their thickness or thinness within an individual.  His book was written in 1991, but you can still buy it online.  I recommend it.  It even has a test for boundaries, thick or thin, with over 130 questions.

I was not more enthusiastic about his book at first because the research is sketchy and he is too inclusive.  For example, an HSP introvert might have different social boundaries than an HSP extrovert.  Nor does he fully delineate causes for variations in boundaries–those that are innate versus caused by defenses or traumas.  For example, if someone has been hurt they may have very tight boundaries to keep out pain.  The boundaries might be thick to avoid physical pain (gloves to avoid blisters or germs, being extra careful about knives, fires, etc.).  Or their social boundaries might be thick to avoid psychological pain (avoidant attachment style for example, or self-defenses against shame such as blaming others).

Thin boundaries are also not always innate.  They might be due, for example, to never having been allowed to develop the basic boundary that delineates self from others in childhood:  To make decisions, avoid abuse from someone else, have some private space.  This can affect the inner boundaries as well, as the process of discrimination itself is discouraged. This lack of personal boundaries can also happen in adults who are enslaved in some way or those with very few rights for any reason.  (“Yes boss, whatever you say boss.”)

We think HSPs are generally born with thin boundaries, which are then adjusted by life experience.  That is, as a social or physical defense they might even thicken, so to speak.  But that original thinness remains in some ways and allows them to be more sensitive to their environment, good or bad (sometime misperceived as good or bad), and adjust accordingly.

I like that Hartmann, along with most HSPs, tries to be very objective, neither thinking thin nor thick is better.  Not surprisingly, however, in his extensive experience on the subject, he has met many people thinking one or the other really is better.  (How difficult it is for humans see two things as equal). At the extremes they are certainly quite different.

Graceful Boundaries

I think it is easy for us to get stuck on the idea that HSPs have “poor boundaries” and need to thicken them by learning to say no, and that’s it. It requires more than that to make full use of our thin boundaries gracefully.  If you think of a window, it can be wide open, closed but no curtain, covered with a lace curtain, heavily draped, or shuttered and barred.  Personally, I love how the French handle windows:  You can see a charming French woman hanging out of her open window chatting or watering her window box.  When she withdraws, you see her lace curtains swaying in the breeze.  If she wants quiet, she closes the windows but you still see the lace.  When day is done, the shutters are closed over the windows. Discriminating. Graceful.

What about the charm of wide open windows?  Letting things in more easily than others?  We do not want to rule out letting things in for the sake of keeping things out–toss the baby out with the bath water, with the soap, soup, supper, baby blanket, baby powder, or baby sitter. Out the window.   My point there was that our thin, often indiscriminate boundaries can help us see unusual, interesting connections, so that we can be creative or even just funny or silly.  That is, thin boundaries are another way of understanding DOES.  Our depth of processing is due to letting more in.

For example, many of us have thin boundaries among categories.  Not just what a baby might be thrown out with, but, for example, “good” or “bad” food may be this, this, or this, not simply one category or what the label says it is.  We also have thin boundaries between past, present, and future.  We can think back over all of our experiences, make use of our careful observations in the present, and have better ideas to act on in the future. Depth of processing also flows out of thin boundaries between conscious and what is presently not conscious, but stored in memory.  And what others’ are feeling and what we are feeling.  We let it all into the mix.  Hence we can be more conscientious, more reflective when making decisions or more attuned to others’ subtle cues.

Next time, in Part II, we’ll think how HSPs can unwittingly violate the boundaries of others due to their trait.  We’ll explore more about “volume.” And see what do horses have to do with it.

Time and Transitions

We just completed a weekend workshop for parents, teachers, and counselors of highly sensitive children (HSCs) at 1440 Multiversity in Santa Cruz.  They said it was much needed and appreciated.  (This will repeat at Kripalu on the East Coast September 28-30—please let parents of HSCs know).  A theme was the need to give HSCs time for transitions and in general to try not to rush them.  (Items on that are even on the HSP Self-Test.) But then some parents, mostly the HSPs, chimed in that they, too, have always been seen as slow or late, which frustrates others and makes them feel there’s something wrong with them—that old theme. Let’s look at this.

Life is full of transitions:  Waking up, falling asleep, going from relaxed time to starting to work, or stopping working to take a break, or preparing for a trip or returning from one, or staying on a schedule you like but just don’t always keep to.  I set a timer to get up from the computer every half hour for a break from sitting, but sometimes I let it chime over and over.  I joke that I really need an ejection seat!

A transition often implies a deadline:  Get moving because there’s a deadline, a place you have to be, a decision others are waiting for.  Or a break you planned to take before you do more.  Do you often miss your downtime because you didn’t stop when you should have?

Most HSPs do not wish to be late.  Hence mostly this slowness ends up leading to rushing, or no break.  But sometimes it also leads to procrastination.  What are the causes?  Let’s turn to good old DOES, the four characteristics of HSPs.

Why We May Be Slow

D, depth of processing, causes us to be thinking, maybe planning or imagining, and not noticing the time passing.  Or we are in a creative flow. If we are about to go out, depth of processing also causes us to think of all the things that might happen while we are out and what we might need. (We are usually the person who has the thing others forgot to bring.)  As we add things, we’re slowed down. Thinking of all of this seems to speed up at the end as the final moment comes.

The result of D is O, over-stimulation, which makes our thinking less efficient, which we can sense, and therefore, we need or wish for even more time to be sure we are not forgetting anything.  It can be pretty miserable.  As I drive away from my house, I sometimes have an uncanny sense that I have forgotten something—ONLY when I really have forgotten something.  When it comes to me, I have to drive back or do without.  That’s the unconscious depth of processing.

E, emotion and empathy, adds to both depth of processing and over-stimulation as we worry more about what we might forget and about being late.  This slows down our preparations just when our empathy tells us that others need us to speed up.

S, sensitivity to subtle stimuli, means noticing small things about what we are doing (for example when writing thinking of some subtlety and adding another paragraph on something) or things we see around us before we leave the house that may remind us of more things we might need or ought to bring—a snack, a jacket.  Just as difficult, we see things that need doing before we transition, like plants that we suddenly realize need watering or something about our clothes that needs fixing.

Solutions? Here are a few…

Leave time!  Leave extra time.  Leave absurd amounts of time. Geez that’s hard.  We can think of so much we want to do and have so little time as it is, what with the need for downtime.  Yes, but you cannot do it all.  You will learn this lesson over and over, because rushing is no fun and often leads to “haste makes waste” (missing your flight; missing rest, sleep, time with people you love; spilling something on your clothes so you have to go back and change).  Rushing when driving can also be dangerous. Further, slowing down, especially taking a break, often means we are more efficient afterwards and waste less time, so in the end we have more time:  “Do less and accomplish more.”

An aside about time. A part of the name of the new retreat and seminar center in Santa Cruz,  1440 Multiversity, where we have taught at, refers to the number of minutes in a day and the value of using every one of them well. I’m sure they mean time for rest too, but just hearing it, it almost makes slowness and downtime seem like wasting life.  In some traditions, your length of life equals the number of breaths you take or heartbeats.  If you slow down you live longer. It makes sense given the huge effect of stress on longevity. Even if you exercise, that probably means in all a slower metabolism.  Maybe that place should be called 1—4—4—0h well.

Make a list of what you need to do or take.  Have a list of what to do today and number the items according to their priority so you feel complete enough when you have to stop.  Have a master list for going to work, or getting kids to school, or travel.  Then do “save as” and adapt it for any special circumstances. I have a master list of what to take on a trip, and then revise it for the one I am planning for right now.  I even have a list of the things I need to do before going to bed.  It saves trying to remember when your brain is busily processing other stuff.

Prepare in quiet if you can—no extra stimulation.  If someone else is packing, wait until they are done to do your own packing. Get up a little earlier than others in your family, just to get your brain warmed up and make a plan for the morning or the day.  Maybe you need a paper and pen to jot down things you do not want to forget.

Keep a little tablet or post it thing and a pen in every room, so you note something you need to do or bring rather trying to remember.  Or make a note on your electronic gadget.  (People forget as soon as they go to the next room—this is an automatic brain strategy that everyone does—that’s why it helps to have  a note pad in every room or your phone with you.)

Warnings.  Say you have a half hour.  Keep an eye on the clock and have an idea of how much you should have done twenty minutes before your transition or departure time, then ten minutes, five. Just like the warnings you give kids.  “It’s almost time for bed.  You will have to put your toys away in five minutes.”  Think of me saying, “Hey you, HSP, put away your toys.”

May all your transitions be smooth and always towards something better.  (And if something better is waiting for you, you can’t get there until you make that transition.)

Introversion, Extroversion and the Highly Sensitive Person

Introversion, Extroversion and the Highly Sensitive Person

Learning more about the Highly Sensitive Extrovert

Guest Blog By: Jacquelyn Strickland, LPC

According to the documentary Sensitive: The Untold Story, there are 1.4 billion highly sensitive people (HSPs) in the world (15-20% of the population). As Elaine Aron’s research has shown, 30% of that 15-20% of the HSP population are sensitive extroverts – or approximately 420 million HSPs.  Unfortunately, due in great part to social media and recent books published on introversion, these 420 million sensitive extroverts are misunderstood, mislabeled or lumped into a general category of extroversion. They are often referred to as the “extroverted introvert,” the “outgoing introvert” or the “contemplative extrovert.”

It is important to differentiate between the introverts and extroverts who are HSP and those who do not self-identify as HSPs.  All HSPs, whether introvert or extrovert, possess four main characteristics as identified by research psychologist, Dr. Elaine Aron in Psychotherapy and the Highly Sensitive Person (2010.)

These four are: D.O.E.S.

1) Depth of Processing

2) Over Stimulation

3) Emotional Responsiveness & Empathy

4) Sensitive to Subtleties.

The other 80% of the population, who are not highly sensitive, do not possess these four characteristics, nor the implications associated with them.

It is easy to see why the lines between introversion, extroversion and high sensitivity have become blurred.   I believe this confusion first began when two very helpful books on introversion were published:  The Introvert Advantage (Laney 2002) and Quiet:  The Power of Introverts in a World that Won’t Stop Talking (Cain 2012.)  Both of these books have been especially beneficial not only to introverts, but also to highly sensitive people as well.

The Introvert Advantage has done an excellent job of bridging a gap between introverts and extroverts.  I especially liked her book because Laney advocates for those who have often felt disregarded, unseen or like “something was wrong with them.”  These sentiments are almost identical to the hundreds of highly sensitive people I have had the honor of working with since 2000.

Susan Cain’s well-written, researched book, Quiet, includes 7-10 pages describing Elaine Aron’s research. Perhaps it is here that the definitions between Sensory Processing Sensitivity and introversion begin to merge, and any hoped for discussion about overlaps between the two are unfortunately omitted.  Cain does attempt to clarify or prevent possible confusion by sharing that she deliberately chose a broader definition of introversion, drawing on the work of many, including Jerome Kagan and Elaine Aron.  (p. 269, Quiet.)

Susan Cain attended the 10th HSP Gathering Retreat at Walker Creek Ranch in Marin County in 2006.   I was delighted to read such a detailed account of her experience there in Quiet (pp. 133-134.)  It was at this Gathering, Susan shared her interest in the connection between introversion and sensitivity.  Later, I was honored to be interviewed by Susan for her book, along with Dr. Elaine Aron. However found myself a bit dismayed after reading her book by her portrayal and description of “introversion”, and soon realized Dr. Aron shared my same reaction.

In fact, from Aron’s Psychology Today blog (2012) article she states:

“…Her (Cain’s) discussion of “introversion” throughout (her book) is almost identical to what has become the standard definition of high sensitivity—deep thinkers, preferring to process slowly, sensitive to stimuli, emotionally reactive, needing time alone, and so forth, all as described in the first scientific paper specifically on sensitivity, published in 1997…”

View full Psychology Today blog here. 

The confusion is easy to understand given Cain’s broad definition of an introvert:

“…a man of contemplation ~ one who is: reflective, cerebral, bookish, unassuming, sensitive, thoughtful, serious, contemplative, subtle, introspective, inner-directed, gentle, calm, modest, solitude-seeking, shy, risk-adverse and thin skinned…”  (Quiet, p. 270)

Here is Cain’s definition of the extrovert, described in Quiet:

“…a man of action, one who is:  ebullient, expansive, sociable, gregarious, excitable, dominant, assertive, active, risk-taking, thick-skinned, outer-directed, lighthearted, bold and comfortable in the spotlight…” (Quiet, p. 270)

More Confusion



There are many more conflicting definitions of introversion and extroversion. The Myers Briggs Personality Assessment, and others like it, add to the confusion as they rightly confirm:  “extroverts get their energy renewed by spending time with people, involved in a wide variety of events or social activities.”  And that introverts: “get their energy renewed by spending alone, taking time to inwardly, process and think about ideas, and to participate in quieter, more thoughtful activities.”

But we do have to ask:  What about the sensitive extrovert?  We also pause to check (reflect) have deep, complex inner lives (introspective) thrive when connecting deeply with others; need extra downtime to process the events of our day (inner directed).  We also need more sleep than others; and we need solitude or downtime to recover from overstimulation.  See how easy it is to confuse the characteristics of highly sensitive people with Cain’s broader definition of introversion?

It is this confusion that motivated my research with the sensitive extrovert which encompassed the following:  more than 100 written survey responses over 10 years; 37 in-depth semi-structured interviews with sensitive extraverts between the ages of 35 and 70; and my own ethnographic observations over 16 years gained from observing HSPs at 33 HSP Gathering Retreats.  This research was enhanced by twenty years a Licensed Professional Counselor, 17 of those working exclusively with HSPs.  My work has also included administering and interpreting the Myers Briggs Personality Assessment to hundreds of individuals since becoming certified to utilize this tool in 1991.

Although I am a great fan of the Myers Briggs, having been certified in its use since 1991. However, it is important, especially in the context of this work, to note it was conceptualized long before the research into our trait of SPS Sensory Processing Sensitivity.  This gap in knowledge inspired the creation of my class:  Myers Briggs with the HSP Overlay.  This class helps, along with many other insights, to differentiate HSP introversion and HSP extroversion from the general categories of introversion and extroversion.

Understanding the Highly Sensitive Extrovert – Truths and Misconceptions

 The highly sensitive extrovert (HSE) meets most if not all of the criteria Cain uses to describe the introvert in Quiet.  We are contemplative, introspective, kind, gentle, empathetic, creative, visionary, intense, and perceptive. Many of us are social justice activists, teachers, humanitarians, poets, spiritual teachers or counselors, and prefer a less stimulating environment over a more “random” social one.
 The HSE does need to go “inward.” It is in these quieter environments where we can, do and need to retreat for the deep, internal processing that comes naturally to being an HSP. This inward state is also where our spiritual life resides and where we can, do and need to rest and recharge from an often harried external world.
 The HSE also needs to gain energy from the external world, because if we spend too much time in this inner world, we can become can become, lethargic, restless, unmotivated or even slightly depressed.  It is then we know we need to get out of our inner world and seek “novel” stimulation which will inspire or energize us. Notice the word “novel” — our excursions in the outer world need to be novel, and chosen by us, based on our individual needs, or else the activity can become just as overstimulating for us as the introvert HSP. And even when we are out, very much enjoying ourselves, we can often return home overstimulated, physically tired, and in need of extra sleep or processing time.
The HSE is not the same as the ambivert.  Why? Because ambiversion implies one can choose to go out, engage in social activities and enjoy themselves without the kind of over stimulation, deep processing, or awareness of subtleties that HSPs encounter. Ambiversion also does not take into account the other characteristics in the D.OE.S. acronym mentioned above.
 When in more positive environments, as individually defined by the HSE, we can be highly responsive and our natural joy, curiosity and enthusiasm might be viewed as generally extroverted.  Although our highly sensitive enthusiasm can be contagious, if we are not careful, we can become easily overstimulated, and may overstimulate others as well. In more negative environments, the HSE can appear to be introverted.  We can also become quiet, reserved or withdrawn. A further explanation of this can be found in the “differential susceptibility” work of Belsky & Pluess (2009.)
 Unlike the introvert, the HSE looks forward to creating meaningful time out in the world, and are often catalysts for others to join in our unique adventures.  However, we can grow tired, and depleted of energy, being the only one to initiate activities with our more introverted companions.
 Because of our tendency toward overstimulation, it is not unusual for the HSE to leave an event early. Even when enjoying an activity, we can often return home feeling “wired and tired”  because the very chosen activity that energized us, can also make us tired and in need of alone time or a nap.
 The HSE can often be found engaged in interesting, novel, creative activities outside the home – and they often engage in these activities alone or with one or two others. When out and about in their chosen activities, they are warm and engaging, often enjoying or initiating conversations with strangers they meet, and/or sometimes making a new friend.
 Some research (Laney 2002) indicates the neurotransmitter dopamine energizes the extravert brain causing, them to seek external rewards in the form of status, money, sex, social affiliation or a promotion at work.  It is important to know the HSP, introvert or extrovert, is not motivated by these external societal rewards. In fact, quite the opposite is true. The highly sensitive person, extrovert or introvert, reflects more about the “way the world is going;” is more concerned with deep, meaningful relationships; and the exploration of the meaning of life, social injustices, and why things are the way they are.  In fact, Barrie Jaeger’s book, Making Work Work for the Highly Sensitive Person makes it clear that the HSP is more in need of “psychic income” and will often take a position lower in salary if the job offers opportunity for meaningful engagement in the world.
 HSEs differ according to their age.  The younger HSE is likely to be quite social, never turning down an invitation to do something with their friends.  This might be because they possesses more physical energy which allows them to enjoy more extroverted activities. The more mature, or older HSE, is not rewarded by social activities, nor by interacting with friends or strangers, unless it is an environment and interaction based on trust, openness, and authenticity.
 Our passions manifest outwardly and we will easily risk our comfort zone for causes that are important to us.  Many HSEs are social justice activists, speaking out passionately for what we believe. Many of us are leaders, not because we want to be, and not because we enjoy the spotlight (we don’t), but because our compassionate convictions have placed us in leadership roles, often because no one else has stepped up to the plate.   You will find many HSEs passionate and expressive about what they do to make the world a better place, especially when reciprocity and mutuality are in place.
 Unlike the HSP introvert, we go inward (i.e., we “introvert” as a verb) mainly to recover, rest and renew – not necessarily because we “prefer” to be alone. After our physical and mental energies are recharged by being “in,” we go “out” to manifest our visions, our passions, or our work in the world.
 The HSE extravert is warm, engaging, expressive, easy to know, and can make and keep friends without too much difficulty, although they are usually easily fulfilled with only small circle of close, loyal and true friendships.   It is always easy to identify the sensitive extrovert who attends an HSP Gathering Retreat TM (Since 2001).  I never have to wonder if they are enjoying themselves for their smiles, openness and conversations leave no question that they are happy they came.  Introverts are more difficult to read, at least for the first two days. Then, the introvert HSP shows up just as engaged as the sensitive extrovert.
 The HSE can often unconsciously challenge the status quo, by simply stating something they are passionate about in an off-handed way.  This then draws attention to themselves, which is something we find very uncomfortable, thus we withdraw, and can appear as introverts.  However, if our values are in jeopardy, we can be passionate, outspoken and will tolerate overstimulation and attention in order to make our point of view understood, or to challenge an injustice.
 The majority of HSEs are most likely high sensation seekers (HSS), (http://hsperson.com/test/high-sensation-seeking-test/) although not necessarily in a physically challenging kind of way.  We are seekers of novelty and do not shy away from intense experiences.   The same could be said for introverts who are high sensation seeking.
For the HSE/HSS, being under-stimulated can be just as anxiety-producing as being overstimulated.  Thus finding one’s “optimal level of stimulation” is often difficult …yet rewarding, energizing and nurturing when understood, experienced and maintained.
  Many HSP extraverts find great enjoyment in jobs that allow them to teach a subject matter they enjoy.  For example, one sensitive extravert loved being a successful coach of a girls’ volleyball team, yet she dreaded “recognition night” when she had to use a microphone to bestow awards, and speak to a crowd of parents.    Other sensitive extroverts, when allowed to manage their own time, have found parenting to be a great joy. Others found teaching to be extremely rewarding, yet were drained by public school environments.
  The sensitive extravert thrives on deep meaningful connections with others.  We often work best when collaborating with others, especially when feeling safe to share our truest thoughts and feelings.  We are creative, visionary and inspired by common interests we share with others. We thrive on mutuality, reciprocity and empathy, and can wither without it.
 Just like the HSP introvert, feeling misunderstood, excluded or invalidated is a recurring theme for the sensitive extravert as well.  The sensitive extravert identified as feeling things deeply, being emotional, caring deeply about others and the world at large.

More from a Myers Briggs Perspective

My research having interpreted Myers Brigs results from over 300 HSPs has shown the majority of HSPs are INFP, followed by INFJ, then ENFP, ENFJ, then ISFJ, ESFJ.   There are many HSPs who are “Ts” and can be found within the “NT” temperament, such as INTP and INTJ.  Fewer HSPs are ISTJ, ISTP.   I have met only two HSPs who identified as ESTJ.

Many sensitive extraverts mistakenly think they are introverts because their raw scores between the E (extraversion) and the I (introversion) are very low.  This usually leads to the misconception that they are either ambiverts, or that they are well-balanced between the two preferences. This is not true. According to Myers Briggs theory, a low score between preferences indicates some sort of transition or turmoil between the two functions.  Example: the HSP Extravert is often overstimulated and harried when in the external world, yet they can become easily bored, lethargic or experience a low grade depression if “introverting” (as in a verb) for too long.

Many HSEs can be led to believe they are in fact introverts because of their avoidance of crowded, noisy places, their need for alone time and their general misunderstanding about the difference between the HSP extrovert and the non-HSP extrovert.  Here is what one participant, fairly new to the HSP trait shared after her participation in my Myers Briggs/HSP Overlay class:

“…It is exciting to understand more about my HSP trait and the Myers Briggs.  This has helped me understand my sensitivity, and some of my extraversion desires that otherwise have always felt so contradictory. I finally know I’m not a “contemplative extrovert,” , or an “outgoing introvert” ~~  I am a highly sensitive extrovert.  I can’t tell you how much sense this makes to me.. It helps me discover what balance looks like in my life within the E and HSP context – a balance which has eluded me for many years. I look forward to consciously choosing to honor both my extraversion and my sensitivity and to finding a more nurturing and meaningful balance between the two…”

So are there any differences between the HSP Extravert and the HSP Introvert?

Yes, there are.  However, my research clearly shows the difference between the sensitive extrovert and sensitive introvert to be quite small.  The greater difference was between the HSP population, and the other 80% who do not self-identify with the Sensory Processing Sensitivity Trait.   However, here are a few differences between the sensitive extrovert and sensitive introvert.

We do prefer to share our thoughts and feelings out loud rather than write them.  In fact, when confused or seeking clarity, we might first jot down a few notes, but are most relieved and gain the most clarity when talking with a trusted friend.
We do not like to share our personal lives or habits via social media, however, we do easily share our personal lives in person with those we know, like and trust.
Unlike what we have been told about the introvert, (from social media,) the HSP extrovert does not mind talking on the phone. In fact, the phone has nothing to do with it – it is the person we are talking to and the context of the conversation that means the most to us.  So, yes, we will let the call go to voicemail if we don’t recognize the caller.  Yet, if it is a call from someone in our “Inner HSP Circle” or someone we know and trust, we joyfully receive their call, and are most likely enriched by the context of our conversation.

Neither the HSP extrovert, nor HSP introvert enjoys small talk.  However, observations made about two days into the four day HSP Gathering Retreats show that after the opportunity to “go deep” and share our “authentic” selves, the HSP can and does engage in small talk.

Conclusion

The HSP extravert is not at all like Susan Cain’s “man of action” and that the non-HSP introvert, who makes up the majority of the introvert population (see graph on page 1), does not share characteristics of her “man of contemplation.”  Second, it is important to overlay any discussions of extraversion and introversion with the D.O.E.S. ~ (1~Depth of Processing; 2~Overstimulation; 3~Emotional Intensity, Empathy and Responsiveness, and 4~ Sensitive to Subtleties) applies to all highly sensitive people.  The D.O.E.S. certainly does not apply to all introverts or extroverts, especially those who do not self-identify as highly sensitive people.

Elaine Aron closes her article in Psychology Today (2012) mentioned earlier with this statement:

“…Well, whatever we name this trait, the most recent research suggests that the general strategy of being more sensitive is determined by multiple genes, and these do not come with names on them. We scientists are creating the names—introverted, inhibited, shy, sensitive, and responsive. As we learn more, we will become more accurate. For now, if you are socially extraverted yet feel things deeply, ponder the meaning of life, reflect before acting, and need a lot of down time, please, be patient. If you are socially introverted but not especially bothered by loud noise, are not very emotional, and make decisions rather easily, please also be patient. We’ll get it right about you, too…”

It is my hope this article has helped to further the conversation and enhance more accurate definitions between introversion, extraversion and the highly sensitive person.

Warmly,

Jacquelyn

Jacquelyn Strickland, LPC, is a sensitive extravert (ENFP) who has a very well developed introvert side which she thoroughly enjoys and needs. She has been married to a non-HSP introvert (ISTP) since 1978, and is the mother two grown introvert sons, one of whom is an HSP, and the other who is quite kind and thoughtful, though does not possess an inherited, more finely tuned nervous system. She is almost certain her eldest granddaughter, born in 2014, is a sensitive extrovert.  She explains this more thoroughly in the chapter on sensitive extroversion in her book on empowerment and the highly sensitive person ~ the book that, despite her resistance, has been writing itself.

 She has been a Licensed Professional Counselor since 1993, working exclusively, and quietly, with HSPs since 2000. She has been certified as a Myers Briggs professional since 1991, and has shared the Myers Briggs with hundreds of HSPs since 2000.  She is the co-creator of the HSP Gathering Retreats Since 2001 with Dr. Elaine Aron.

Note:  I would be remiss if I did not publicly acknowledge Dr. Leslie Dodson, a friend, colleague, sensitive extrovert and global humanitarian extraordinaire, for her gracious mutuality, reciprocity and collaboration as she helped me clarify the results of my research.  Thank you dear Leslie.

 

References:

Blesky, Pluess, (2009) Beyond Diathesis Stress: Differential Susceptibility to Environmental Influences, Psychological Bulletin, 2009, Vol. 135, No. 6, 885–908

Aron, Elaine (2012) Psychotherapy and the Highly Sensitive

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/attending-the-undervalued-self/201202/time-magazine-the-power-shyness-and-high-sensitivity

4) Cain, Susan, (2012) Quiet, The Power of Introverts in a world that won’t stop talking.

The Power of Inner Silence for HSPs

Last year I was asked by a Korean publisher to write what I would say if I were giving my “last lecture.”  This was for a Korean-language anthology, in which many authors (most you would recognize) were offering their answer.  For me the subject was easy–inner silence.  You as an HSP understand my choice intuitively, but I will summarize my essay for you anyway.

What do I mean by inner silence? Obviously it’s not outer silence. It can be noisy outside and yet you can access the quiet inside. Simply closing your eyes removes 80% of the stimulation to your brain.  Instant momentary HSP downtime. I also do not mean total silence. Perhaps it would be better to say a quieter mind.  Quieter and quieter, the stages of silence. But nearly complete inner silence is not out of reach entirely, as I will get to.

Let’s start with a tiny bit of inner silence.  I will use an analogy:  Running, jogging, walking, strolling, standing still, sitting, lying down.  Now apply it to your mind.  You’ve lost something.  You are searching frantically, your mind racing.  You feel stressed. Then you give up.  Later, when your mind has gone from running to jogging, you remember where the thing is. Or you wisely sit down to think about where you last saw it, and in that quieter state you remember.

Maybe you can’t remember a name, try as you may, but later when you’re quiet–by my analogy you would be standing not running–it comes to mind. Maybe you’re trying to solve a problem, but when you’re more relaxed, “sitting,” you find the solution.  You are doing something creative, then quit, feeling tired.  You “lie down,” figuratively and literally, so that in the middle of the night, your mind relatively still, you have a creative insight.  Many creative people report their best ideas coming in the night, in dreams even, or when they are just taking time off away from their work.

If, before charging into action, a person just reflects a bit (using a quieter mind), as HSPs do by nature, their actions are likely to be wiser. When we HSPs seem to act quickly, often we have previously reflected on the same type of situation, so that our quick action will still be based on previous quiet thought. This is in fact our survival strategy, pure and simple:  Observe and reflect before acting. “Look before you leap.” “The farther you pull the arrow back, the farther it will fly.” But everyone, HSP or not, can improve their actions–and their chances of survival–if they just take the time to settle down and think.  (If only more people actually did.)

What If We Go Deeper Still

Let’s go deeper. If everyone at their work or at school sat down, closed their eyes, and were silent for 10 minutes each day, whatever they did in that silence, you can probably imagine the good effect. Deeper still, many find silent prayer or contemplation extremely useful. And there is meditation, the route I have used for 46 years.  I chose Transcendental Meditation, partly because its goal is the deepest possible rest and inner silence (well beyond “thinking a mantra”). Any meditation, however, or any deliberate method of turning inwards to find that deeper quiet, has its degrees.

How deep I go in meditation depends on how busy or stressful my outer life has been that day.  Any amount deeper helps quiet the mind, so I believe all of my meditations are “good.”  But they do vary.  Suppose I rated my meditations from 1, very deep, to 10, rather shallow because of a high level of stress during the day resulting in many thoughts and feelings, or distracting stimulation nearby.  At home, at peace already, I might go from 3 to 1.  Very nice. But in a way, when I’m stressed, going from 10 to 7 feels more valuable.

For example, I recall meditating as best I could while standing in a crowded subway car after it had stopped mid-station and the lights had gone out.  Or meditating in a hot airplane stuck on the tarmac for two hours.  As time passed in both of these situations, people became anxious or angry.  To help me stay calm, I meditated, again moving me only from 10 to maybe 9 on the inner silence scale, especially given I was standing.  But I could tell that this “9” remarkably helped not only me but those near me as well.  Maybe this is over generalizing, but think of how much better the world would be if HSPs regularly did whatever they chose to do to instill inner silence into the atmosphere.

There’s nothing new about this.  In every time and tradition, people have entered inner silence for the purpose of helping the world as well as themselves.  Sometimes people choose a life style of inner quiet, as in a monastery.  Or they seriously devote a healthy portion of their life to cultivating inner silence, even while also engaged in the world.  It is quite possible to do.  Indeed, the time spent often is made up for by feeling fresh, tranquil, and efficient when you do work.

Whatever the tradition, these committed to these deeper levels of inner silence and calm report at its deepest the same satisfying state (I could supply you with dozens of quotes), perhaps best called “pure consciousness” because it can be without thoughts, feelings, or perceptions.  Yet you are wide awake inside.  Some experience it as a “brilliant darkness” or the “palace of nowhere.”  Although one can reduce the experience to a mere pattern of brain activation (and a very useful one), those who experience it repeatedly associate it with various ultimates beyond description, such as God, Allah, Brahman, the Absolute, or the Ground of Being.

A friend of mine and comparative religion scholar, Robert Forman, likens the universality of this experience to astronauts taking off in different rockets from all over the world, and once they reach outer space, they all experience weightlessness.  However they describe weightlessness, same state.  In the case of pure consciousness, these inner explorers also seem to find the same state.

Bringing It Home—It’s Not Hard

“I can’t imagine my mind completely stopping.”  That’s fine. This deep inner silence is not always without thoughts.  It may feel more like a background to thinking, a silent background that moves to the foreground as you go deeper, or it feels like a screen on which life’s mental stuff happens, but soon the screen itself becomes more interesting, more charming.  Think of offering the “monkey mind” a banana and it settles down.  It may wiggle a bit, but basically it is in bliss.  The mind loves those deep states, even if tossed out at times by the stresses of your day.  That’s why I, at least, have had no trouble meditating twice a day for almost half a century.

You do not have to be a mystic to reach this state.  Several forms of meditation can bring you to very deep silence, especially with daily practice.  I guess I’m trying to say that it’s natural and easy, your birthright so to speak.  You have probably stumbled upon deep inner silence before, maybe first in childhood, out under a tree.  It is so natural that if you begin a practice and are regular, this deep silence should be experienced to some degree in days or weeks, not years. If a daily practice (time in nature, yoga, prayer, concentration, contemplation) does not take you there, you might consider adding some time with a practice that does (without necessarily discarding the other, which may have other significant value for you).

Finally, as you develop that inner silence, you might effortlessly turn your attention to it during your day.  Often it is surprisingly easy to find and enjoy it anywhere you are.  It does not interrupt what you are doing because it has no content.  You go on more or less as always, but the overall state of the brain feels different.

As the frequency of this awareness increases, it is my experience (and many others’) that one finds a kind of calm satisfaction with life.  Things go easier and easier in various areas of your life, almost magically. Life is not perfect.  It is still possible to suffer in some sense, but there is also something at the same time, well, satisfying about life.

I have described this deeper state and its integration with life so thoroughly because I suspect that most HSPs were born seekers, whether conscious of it (yet) or not.  While I don’t want to tell you what path of what goal you should seek, I do not want to leave you completely alone with your inner seeker, either.  So perhaps this discussion will stir something.  Or simply inspire you to find more efficient downtime!  More rest in less time!

Finally, I know we are all worried about a great many things happening in the world, but I think you would agree that some inner quiet would help.  After all, being crippled with despair about the state of things does not help.  In contrast, inner silence brings some calm.  It helps us to see the big picture, gain some equanimity. Bottom line:  The deeper and more frequently we HSPs go inside, the more we nourish everyone and everything around us, including of course ourselves.

I wrote the original “last lecture” because I find most people do not know about this inner silence or the possibility of integrating it with daily life.  This seems like a terribly unfortunate lack of basic knowledge about a remarkable human capacity.  Imagine most humans not knowing they can learn to swim.  Strange, yes?  Since we HSPs are the pearl divers of humanity, we need to teach them at least to dog paddle!