Elaine N. Aron's Blog, page 6

Some New Research on Sensory Processing Sensitivity (SPS)

Actually, there is so much more research being done, especially in Europe, that I can barely keep up, so I have selected what I believe to be the best.  You will see Michael Pluess’ name on several.  He is at Queen Mary University in London, along with Francesca Leonetti, a postdoctoral student studying with him. They are doing great research, finding new angles to SPS (which is the term used in scientific contexts for your trait), developing the HSP Scale in various ways, and adding new points to what we know.  We are so glad they are moving forward in this way.  It takes some of the weight off of Art and me, as we see quality research being done without us!

First I will discuss articles in which I was one of the authors. 

The “Relationship between the Temperament Trait of Sensory Processing Sensitivity and Emotional Reactivity” was published in 2016, in the journal Social Behavior and Personality. The first author is Jadzia Jagiellowicz, along with Art and me.  It is based on data Jadzia gathered while at Stony Brook University.  (She is now in Cambridge, Ontario. https://www.highlysensitivesociety.com/ ). 96 participants (1/2 HSPs and 1/2 those especially low on the HPS Scale) rated standard emotional-arousing pictures for how positive and negative they seemed and how aroused the participant was by looking at them.  HSPs rated the pictures, and especially the positive ones, as significantly more intense emotionally.  They also responded faster to the positive pictures. HSPs who reported having high-quality parenting also reported greater arousal in response to positive pictures than those low in sensitivity.

These results give us some insight as to why HSPs exhibit “differential susceptibility,” suffering more in bad environments but doing especially well in good ones.  It seems that in good environments they may pay more attention to positive stimuli relative to negative and react more strongly.  This is even more so if they have had good parenting, when they must have paid particular attention to positive experiences, probably some of them quite subtle such as a parent’s slight smile of approval or delight. 

Environmental Sensitivity in Children: Development of the Highly Sensitive Child Scale and Identification of Sensitivity Groups was by Michael Pluess, Elham Assary, Francesca Lionetti, Kathryn J Lester, Eva Krapohl, plus me and Art (complex studies often have many authors, each with their own expertise and contribution).  It was published in Developmental Psychology (a particularly prestigious scientific journal).  This study is rather statistical, but partly involved creating a short 12-item HSC scale for children and adolescents.

What was mainly important to us, although probably not to most of you, was that we were able to do a “bifactor analysis,” in which we found three factors (sets of items that group together) plus clear evidence for one overarching factor of plain old sensitivity. The three are (a) Aesthetic Sensitivity (e.g., being deeply moved by arts and music; having a rich, complex inner life, being conscientious); (b) Low Sensory Threshold (unpleasant sensory experiences–e.g., reaction to bright lights and loud noises; avoiding violent media); and (c) Ease of Excitation, referring to being easily overwhelmed–(e.g., being negatively affected by having a lot going on or by being hungry).

The three factors have been made much of by other researchers, even though the researcher originally finding them also said the single inclusive factor was very present as well.  Sub-factors of course can only sort the items in the scale  In my original interviews from which we constructed the scales, of course I heard more about the most noticeable part of being HS, being easily overwhelmed and to some degree noticing subtle stimuli—the “O” and “S” of DOES. I had not yet conceptualized the trait as having four aspects, DOES, with “D” for depth of processing and “E” for emotional responsiveness and empathy so they were largely left out and certainly not identified as such at that time. It is much harder to learn from interviews about D and E. 

Actually, the 6 items of the “Aesthetic” factor are more about depth of processing, but the researchers understandably did not see that. Besides the 3 items above in parentheses–being deeply moved by arts and music; having a rich, complex inner life; and being conscientious—the aesthetic sensitivity group of items includes knowing what to do to make people more comfortable in an environment, being aware of subtleties, and noticing fine scents, tastes, etcetera.  You can see why it might seem more like something aesthetic, but what about the item about conscientiousness?  A deep inner life? Oh well.

There is actually only one item for empathy (do others’ moods affect you, plus maybe noticing in a physical environment what needs to be done to make it more comfortable).  We had some good items that did address emotion and empathy and that were strongly associated with the other items, but not quite as strongly so they were not included. We just did not see DOES back in 1996.

Back to this study, another very interesting finding was the existence of three distinct groups with different levels of what Michael Pluess likes to call environmental sensitivity.  Every living being needs to be sensitive to its environment, but as we know, about 20-35% are highly sensitive (the uncertainty of the % is due to different samples).  There’s a group in the middle (approx. 41-47%), whom we can say are the “medium sensitive.” Then there is a low group (20-35%).

They are probably the ones with whom we HSPs especially struggle!

The following studies we were not involved in.

One of the most exciting studies to date is “Sensory-Processing Sensitivity Predicts Treatment Response to a School-Based Depression Prevention Program: Evidence of Vantage Sensitivity.”  This was done by Michael Pluess and Ilona Boniwell and published in Personality and Individual Differences.  As the title says, there was a depression prevention program for 11-year-old “at risk” girls in a poor neighborhood in London, and the HSP Scale was among other measures given to them before and after they went through the program,.  The goal was to prevent these girls from becoming depressed over the next year, which often occurs to girls around 12 or a little older.  The result? A year later the researchers found that the prevention program successfully reduced depression scores only for the girls in the top one third of scores on the HSP Scale.  It was not effective at all for low-scoring girls.

This is another example of how HSPs pick up especially well on good things, probably in this case by processing the program’s information deeply.  This gives us real hope, that an intervention can help us if we need it, even more than it would help others.

The next study was about “Sensory-Processing Sensitivity, Dispositional Mindfulness and Negative Psychological Symptoms,” done by Kaitlyn Bakker and Richard Moulding in Australia and published in Personality and Individual Differences.  They noted that SPS is often associated with depression and anxiety, but perhaps there are things that moderate those effects.  Hence they measured mindfulness as a trait (not as a practice, but as the ability to attend to and be accepting of present experience). They found that while in general SPS was related to higher levels of depression, anxiety and stress, with respect to anxiety, when mindfulness and acceptance were high, HSPs were not particularly anxious.

It is easy to see when staying in the present helps us handle our emotions.  Indeed, I wrote about another article about the research on handling our emotions [http://hsperson.com/emotional-regulation-and-hsps/], based on an article by the same author.  Why did this attribute of being mindful not affect depression and stress?  There are several possible reasons.  But I am promoting a couple of reasons right now.

First, no one’s studying typical or normal highly sensitive people yet. Unless someone knows they are highly sensitive, they are living under a burden.  And people in these studies generally do not know. So they are going to report greater stress because they do not yet know how to take care of themselves.  They may be more depressed because they think and have always thought something is wrong with them.  So I hope someday soon there will be a study of the effects on stress a year after HSPs learn about their trait and receive some good advice about it. I think that in a year, many of these HSPs will have self-corrected and have fewer problems.

My other concern about the many studies finding HSPs are more stressed, depressed, etcetera than others is that these measures were validated on 100% of the population, meaning that the “other 80%” are the largest contributors to the norms.  They are the mean score, the average, so that HSPs are “too high.”  I don’t know the answer to that yet, except being aware of it.

The next article, “A novel Differential Susceptibility framework for the study of nightmares: Evidence for trait sensory processing sensitivity,” was by Michelle Carr and Tore Nielsen and published in Clinical Psychology Review. It did not report new data, but based on other research, proposed that SPS might be a good way to think of nightmares.  As the authors explain, research on nightmares has largely focused on the nightmare itself and its associated negative consequences, framing nightmare sufferers as victims of their difficult past and the resulting psychopathology. However, there is evidence that frequent nightmare recallers are sensitive to a wide range of sensory and emotional experiences, and report vivid, bizarre and even intensely positive dream and daydream experiences. So they proposed that sensory-processing sensitivity might underlie the unique symptoms and imaginative richness found in nightmare-prone individuals, and if they can have positive dreams, then this may be a case of differential susceptibility (you remember that’s experiencing both positive and negative more strongly).  “Treatment,” then, might simply mean providing individuals high in SPS with more “supportive environments” rather than thinking of them as mentally ill (YES!).

It’s nice to see someone looking into this aspect of sensitivity.  Having vivid, intense dreams was an item that did not make it to the final HSP Scale but correlates with it significantly.  Early in my work as a depth therapist I told my consultant, not an HSP, one of my HS patient’s dreams.  He said it was so strange and complicated that she must have made it up!  I of course knew she had not, partly because I have had many dreams as complicated as hers.

What about a pilgrimage?

Summer is vacation time, so whether you can travel this summer or not, let’s talk about real HSP travel. As some of you know, last summer my husband and I embarked on a six-month “sabbatical,” as he called it. For me it was a pilgrimage. A pilgrimage is defined as an “intentional journey, possibly a long one, to a goal sacred to you.” A pilgrim is “a person who journeys, especially a long distance, to a sacred place as an act of religious devotion, or in search of a sacred goal.” I will tell you more about mine someday, but let’s talk about what might be yours.

Because you are an HSP, I can be fairly certain that you are probably spiritual in some way. “Spiritual” has many meanings (look it up if you wish), but maybe that’s good. You can define it as you wish. And that means you should think seriously about a pilgrimage. If you google “pilgrimage sites” you will be amazed by the possibilities. If none of them call to you, no problem. Probably you already have one in mind or heart, if you dare to imagine actually going there.

Please take a moment to seriously reflect on each of these questions before reading the next one:

What is a place you consider sacred that you would like to journey to?

Could it be an inward rather than outward pilgrimage?

Would you do this alone or with others?

How long would it take to get there? (Travel time or time in retreat or community or whatever you seek.)

What cost (time, money…) would you be willing to incur to reach this sacred place?

If there are obstacles, even if they seem insurmountable, if you get wildly creative, how might you imagine you could surmount them?

About High Sensitivity, Autism, and Neurodiversity

Dear Readers,

I am writing this to tell you about a new perspective, neurodiversity, as a way to think about both high sensitivity and autism (otherwise quite different). The perspective applies to other brain differences as well, but it is especially appropriate to focus on autism because April is Autism Awareness Month. The neurodiversity viewpoint was brought to my attention by friend and colleague (and HSP), writer Jenara Nerenberg, as it is the subject of much of her work right now.

The Neurodiversity Perspective

To be very clear, the brain research continues to find high sensitivity and autism quite different, but they also have something in common. High sensitivity and autism spectrum are terms that describe differences—differences in brains that make them not typical. The neurodiversity “movement” wonders why the majority of brain differences (not due to injury or infection) can’t be seen as simply variations in human experiences rather than some of them being disorders? A disorder means someone is impaired or suffering, and we have made it very clear that people are not impaired or suffering simply because of having a highly sensitive brain. Likewise, many of those on the autism spectrum (or diagnosed with ADHD) also feel they are wrongly viewed as having a disorder when in fact their particular trait (brain difference), even if unusual, can make important contributions to the world. They do not feel impaired or that they are suffering. They feel they are just different.

This problem of disorder versus difference is the exact struggle we are having around high sensitivity—trying to explain ourselves to the majority, who are without the trait and who sometimes perceive it as a weakness or even a disorder. Can we extend ourselves to those who feel they are in a similar predicament? Can we envision a middle group that is “neurotypical” and those not in the middle as simply “neuroatypical” or “neurodivergent,” as Jenara pointed out to me? Since HSPs are 20% of the population, more or less, we are certainly not in the middle and typical. But maybe the bottom line is that every brain is different, and some more different than others.

I personally am not denying that some neurodivergent brains lead to real impairments that are very disabling and nearly impossible to surmount, although some speaking from the neurodivergent perspective may disagree and see everything as simply divergent and never a disorder. This has caused others to oppose the neurodivergent perspective, arguing that failing to see “disorder” could mean failing to provide useful treatment. There are always two sides, yes?

Two Sides, but One is New and Less Heard

The main thing is to listen to the question raised by the idea of neurodiversity: Can we allow diversity without so quickly diagnosing a difference as a disorder? As Jenara asked me on the phone, “Why must we always pathologize difference?” Can we recognize that most brain differences, even if they do create some challenges, have offsetting advantages, offering humanity the benefits of this neurodiversity? That is certainly the case with high sensitivity.

Further, as with high sensitivity, Jenara points out, “the expression of neurodivergence is another case of differential susceptibility.” In a nurturing environment, both in childhood and where they work, neurodivergent individuals often exceed others in certain areas. For example, those with ADHD often have “hyperfocus,”—the subject of Jenara’s New York Magazine article —which manifests as being able to make greater progress than others on a problem, even if not being very well organized in other ways. But without skilled parenting in childhood or if, as adults, they are in an environment that does not suit their trait —including one in which they are labeled, shunned, or ridiculed—their functioning really is impaired. Why not improve that, as we hope things will improve for HSPs?

So the benefits of neurodiversity are real, including the diversity provided by high sensitivity, but to take advantage of these benefits society will have to contain the prejudice and diagnostic “name-calling” and even bullying that comes from seeing diversity only as impairment.

How HSPs Could Look at It

I want to be very clear, one more time, that I am not saying that highly sensitive people are the same as those on the autistic spectrum, as some have argued. But some people will be both highly sensitive and autistic, and just to spell it out, some will be only highly sensitive or only autistic, and some will be neither. Everyone’s temperament consists of more than one trait (or brain difference). HSPs can always have other traits, such as high sensation seeking. Still, in important ways research finds that the usual brain functioning of HSPs and those on the autistic spectrum IS different.

What I hope I am saying is that I would like us as HSPs to rethink this issue enough to extend our understanding and sense of community to all of those who experience discrimination or marginalization due to neurodivergence, in the same way society has learned—though still in progress—to extend their caring to those who experience prejudice in other categories. As Jenara says, “We live in a neurotypical-dominant society.”

Ranking versus Linking, Again

We are going to notice disagreement and conflict around this issue of neurodiversity. I hope that we as HSPs can try to cool the anger that can arise when extreme positions are taken. (“We’re completely normal!” versus “You are clearly suffering from a disorder.”) Our culture seems to be taking extreme sides in many areas.

Remember, people take extreme positions because they feel threatened. Some have built research or clinical careers around their positions. Others feel their self-worth has been very wrongly attacked. I would like to see HSPs cool some of this by listening courteously to both sides, especially to their underlying very human needs, and not just to those “on our side.”

That is, for the sake of the larger human picture, can we help the world by role modeling more linking and less ranking? (I’ve written about these two instincts in several places, including here and here.)

Special thank you to Jenara Nerenberg for her invaluable input. Do follow her work here and look out for her forthcoming book on the topic. You can also reach Jenara at jenarawrites@gmail.com.

What About Those Movies?

Sensitive–The Untold Story

While I was away, Diana Harper and those in her network have found valuable ways to bring the film to even more people.

You can now rent or buy the film on Amazon in the US, UK, Germany, and Japan.  If you are in one of those countries, go ahead and search Amazon for it.  It’s pretty neat that it is there.


It is available free on Kanopy digital streaming. Kanopy provides over 26,000 films, FREE, to students and faculty (meaning Sensitive can be shown to an entire class) at over 4,000 colleges and universities worldwide. The university library pays for this great service. Tell any students or faculty you know, and if a school does not have Kanopy yet, there is a way on the Kanopy website to request it.Remember the film has subtitles in Spanish, Japanese, Portuguese (Brazil), Dutch, Danish, Swedish, French, and German.  But most people at universities understand some English or are learning, so it is perfect for improving one’s English as well.


Sensitive is now available digitally in almost all public libraries in the US and Canada. Check out your own library.  It probably has it.


The Finnish public television station will be showing Sensitive Thursday April 20, 9pm, on channel Yle Teema and Sunday April 23,1:35pm.


And of course it is still available on VHX .


On DVD through the HSPerson.com Store.

WHEREVER YOU CAN, SUCH AS AMAZON AND KANOPY, WRITE A REVIEW IF YOU FEEL MOVED TO DO SO.  THESE REALLY HELP PEOPLE DECIDE IF THEY WANT TO SEE IT.



Sensitive and In Love: 

Will and Diana are wrapping up the filming, and are extremely happy with the footage they have collected. We all feel that Sensitive and in Love will benefit so many people, not only HSPs but non-HSPs (some of whom are contributors because they know non-HSPs especially need this film).  Abundant research has found that a satisfying relationship with another human being is most important for overall happiness and even more important for longevity than factors like smoking and obesity.  And understanding a partner’s temperament is key.

As for fundraising, when the amount asked for was not reached by the deadline, we switched to simply taking donations here on our website, using “rewards” that are valuable yet cost us very little to supply or mail.  (The rewards were a considerable expense with Kickstarter.)  All who donate become members of SAILS—the Sensitive and in Love Society.  The benefits?  For even a donation of just $10, you receive monthly video updates that include bits about research or practical info about HSPs in relationships, plus free access to the 24-hour livestream of the film (ONLY 24 hours) that we plan upon its completion.  With larger donations, more rewards.

Having access to the live streamed film even for just 24 hours will be a big deal, as the release may be delayed for perhaps 18 months because Will and Diana will probably take this film to film festivals, where distributors come and pick films for their networks and theater chains.  We released Sensitive quickly, without taking it to the festivals, because there was such demand for it.  But when the public already has access to a film, it is more difficult to distribute to commercial networks.

However, for just $25.00 you will own a digital copy of the film (not the DVD) upon its completion and be able to watch it anytime (but you must promise not to pass it on).

The fact is, if everyone reading this newsletter donates $10 (if you have not already), that would help a great deal, and more would help even more.  We all are impacted by couples having better relationships:  Families and children are happier, which makes happier workplaces, schools, neighborhoods, and countries. As HSPs, we’ve all been affected by overhearing family fights that became abusive and scary.  They affect young children especially, sometimes for a lifetime.  As a therapist, I know that prevention is better than therapy for a trauma.

I once heard a couples’ yelling match right outside my front door.  The young parents were by their car, screaming at each other while holding their hysterical one-year-old.  I took the sobbing baby in my arms and walked a ways off, knowing what an indelible trauma this could create for him.  The parents hardly noticed. When I did deliver the baby back, I gave them a firm lecture about not fighting like that in front of a child.  But what if they were fighting about something affected by one of them being sensitive?

About 42% of the odds of divorcing are related one’s inherited personality!  Most of that is probably due to partners not understanding what can and cannot be changed in each other.  Divorce, even when necessary, is at least at first sad and hurtful for everyone involved, almost without exception.  You can do something about it.

Remember, donations are tax deductible in the U.S.

Eight Ways to Take Care of Yourself, Please, While I’m Gone (and Beyond)

For about two years I have been planning a six-month sabbatical beginning this summer, a good space of time completely “off the grid.” Some serious downtime. I am enjoying excellent health so it has nothing to do with that. It is simply that some shifts in my life and my husband’s have allowed this for the first time. I am not retiring. I’ll be back. And an email may come to you from time to time from those who work with me.

Finally, like a worried mother hen, I have left you a “list of instructions” to do while I’m gone.

Take downtime! Let me be your role model. Yearly, weekly, and daily down times. I do two hours a day of rest and meditation (I do recommend TM because it is most easy and restful) and no work or use of the computer after dinner. Aim for one week off a month and one month off a year. Now, six months in a lifetime? To get that time, say no when you need to. No one knows but you when you need to set a limit. Don’t be the reason, by saying yes when you need to say no, that people you care for quite unwittingly cause you stress.
Take time for love and friends. No matter how introverted you are or how easily overstimulated, you are a member of a highly social species. Often the people you are close to can actually reduce your overstimulation, just by being with them, perhaps in silence sometimes. Just tell them what you need in a loving way, while offering your HS strengths when you can–empathy, carefully considered decisions, pointing out beauty that they would enjoy but might have missed, and helping them to see when they also need self-care.
Be with other HSPs. Seriously, at least once, be in a group of entirely HSPs. There are the Gatherings, the Horse Workshops, and I guess all kinds of meetups and such.
Avoid those working for a fee and who want to help you but lack appropriate credentials or education, or seem a bit strange when you talk to them. Some unlicensed people are okay (and the accreditation of coaches is a complicated matter). But a license is a safeguard against unethical behavior for that profession. You may be told about “certificates” or being a graduate of this and that program, but look into it. Use your intuition so that you do not waste your time and money, or do something that ultimately is not good for you, even if it is said to help others. We are all different, even among HSPs.
Speak up for what you believe in. You have probably thought about the issues more than others, and a great many issues these days require our attention–not just our strong convictions, but deep thought and then well considered speech and action. It really helps to do something, however small, towards making happen whatever feels right to you.
When distressed by world events, step back. You are witnessing “interesting times.” The earth is flowering into an amazing place, dominated by our species’ growing numbers and technology. It will inevitably wilt someday, whenever we run out of resources, but now or later? Will we grow up enough to take some charge of our planet? Slow climate change? Can we consider other species needs? (We know fairly exactly the numbers and behaviors of almost all large animals on earth, from elk to tigers, as well as what they need. Now what?) Okay, it can be very distressing to watch what is happening. But seen from another perspective, isn’t it amazing to be alive today, witnessing this?
Enjoy the even bigger picture. Go visit the vast plains, the vaster oceans, those crazy tall mountain ranges. Or stay home and watch the eternal-archetypal-molecular actions of fire, clouds, and water. Most of all, look up at the night sky. I know you often do, but now our crazy species knows so much about it. If you like that sort of knowledge, here’s a taste of what I mean about the big picture provided by the night sky:

According to the latest Scientific American, Earth is part of our solar system, yes, and in an arm of the Milky Way, our galaxy, which is part of a cluster of galaxies called the Local Group, made up of 50 nearby galaxies spanning seven million light-years of space. It is part of the Virgo Cluster (over 1000 galaxies and 50 million light-years across), a small part of the Local Supercluster (hundreds of groups, 100 million light years). In 2014 some curious astronomers—part of our marvelous species—used complex ways to figure out that the Local Supercluster is one lobe of a much larger supercluster (100,00 galaxies, 400 million light years across), named Laniakea, Hawaiian for “immeasurable heaven.” Our Milky Way is way, way off in a corner of all that. Far, far from its center.

For the sake of you and all other HSPs, please do not associate high sensitivity with being an “empath” or anything that could sound weird to those we want to reach. Do not condone it in others. Seriously. Such writing and talk is beginning to endanger the credibility of the research, at least in Scandinavia. Watch for HSPs as “empaths” or “Highly Sensitive Empaths” or statements about HSPs being psychics or having ESP. It has been growing steadily, as you will see if you check the internet. Those who train doctors, teachers, therapists, and all the rest will not make use of any information about high sensitivity if it seems unscientific. This is not about what you believe to be true. Think what you wish about it in private. Maybe it interests you or you recognize something about yourself in this material. But think about what it means for our future and the future of sensitive children.

Why now the film on HSPs and relationships?

Quite spontaneously, Diana and Will Harper (the producer and director of Sensitive: the Untold Story) and Art (my research collaborator and husband) and I were sitting around a table, continuing to plan for what we had been assuming would be the next film on the highly sensitive child, when we began to express private concerns which turned out to be shared. First, Sensitive: the Untold Story had quite a bit about children. More important, the subject receiving the least attention in the film was relationships—romantic partners, friendships, close family members. Wasn’t it time to remedy that? Why?

Particularly we want to help with any relationship an HSP has with someone without the trait. Sometimes such a relationship creates some unhappiness for both people, and we want to show that much of this unhappiness could be fairly easily avoided. We will also address the specific kinds of troubles two HSPs together might have, which so easily arise because of the all-too-often learned negative attitudes about sensitivity, our own as well as our partner’s.
When parents are unhappy with each other, we know this greatly affects their children also, whether these are sensitive children or not. Hence by making the parents’ partnership better we have an opportunity to help their children, to help all children in families in which there is either one or two highly sensitive parents. Because distressed children grow up to be distressed and possibly distressing to others, helping these families gives us another vital way to serve the world through a better understanding of sensitivity (our not-so-secret goal).
My husband, Art, happens to be one of the leading researchers on the subject of love and what makes relationships last. He told us about some now well-established facts: For anyone, not just HSPs, a satisfying relationship with one’s partner, if one has one, predicts longevity more than not being a smoker or not being obese. In addition to this huge effect on physical health, relationship quality is the single biggest predictor of overall life happiness.
I have no doubt that these physical and emotional effects of relationship quality are even greater for HSPs because of their well-established “differential susceptibility.” Surely we are more distressed by bad relationships and we benefit more than others from good ones.
Because of our combined experience and research, Art and I have a great deal of practical advice we can offer to HSPs and their partners. We would like to do that, now.

Suicide and High Sensitivity

I have received a few questions about highly sensitive people and suicide and felt I should respond. I know it is an intense topic, but important. I suppose this post is also timely in that the majority of suicides actually occur in the spring.

I do not have any research this subject. Only some impressions from my experience. You will certainly have your own insights as well.

I apologize for using the staid third person in the first half. I am hoping that none of that part has ever applied to second person you. But it does happen, I know. HSPs, like anyone else, can feel like killing themselves. And, as I discuss below, they are profoundly affected by another’s suicide.

HSPs and Contemplating Suicide

First, let’s tackle the negative side of the issue. I think HSPs, when depressed, could be more likely to think about suicide because they feel everything more deeply, including depression, with its sense of hopelessness, worthlessness, and despair. Plus, with their depth of processing, their minds naturally go to all the consequences of what they are depressed about or of simply being so depressed. One consequence might be, wrongly of course, that they just should not be on this planet anymore. They are too useless, weak, etcetera.

Or they may think they are causing others so much trouble that those dearest to them would be better off without them. Again, that is SO wrong. They can deeply harm those around them by their action.

But, continuing to process their ideas, they may even make plans, which is considered the most dangerous sign of suicide except for actual attempts. (Especially if anyone talks about plans, it is time to get them help. There are many other signs and resources on the internet, including national hotlines. Most countries have them. But this post is not specifically about suicide prevention.)

What else can we infer about HSPs?

Suicide is high among gifted students, who are usually highly sensitive according to those who study the gifted. It is believed that the main reason is that gifted students are perfectionists, and feel others also expect perfection from them, so that one low grade or fumbled presentation can send them over the edge. Although not all HSPs are gifted, one can imagine all HSPs have trouble with perfectionism at times, meaning thinking they failed or failed others.

Another risk factor for the gifted can be being unpopular or even bullied because they are different. HSPs can also feel different and sometimes are bullied because of it.

Above all, HSPs can get into a mood of hating the consequences of their sensitivity. I have listened sympathetically when they tell me they are sick of feeling different, “weird,” and that they are missing out because they cannot engage in life in the same way others do. They are tired of struggling to earn a living while having to take sensitivity into account, or being so easily devastated by criticism from those important to them, who then see them as too touchy, criticizing them more. Many of us are trying to empower and help HSPs to be proud of their sensitivity (e.g. Jacquelyn Strickland and the makers of and many contributors to the movie Sensitive: The Untold Story. But sometimes a long history of being deeply misunderstood, and perhaps other traumas and genetics as well, take their toll.

On the positive side, my hunch is that HSPs actually have a lower suicide rate compared to the other 80% of the population. That same depth of processing, so instinctive to them, means they are less impulsive. They are more likely to be unsure, to wait and consider things again at a later time, when they will probably see their life from a different viewpoint. Also, their threats may be less likely to turn into a plan that they feel they must carry through, but be more metaphoric, the culmination of depth of processing and strong emotions. Thinking “I feel so bad I want to kill myself” is a way to express just how bad one feels, and we do know HSPs can be overwhelmed by any emotion, joy as well, and follow it out to its emotional conclusion.

Second, I think highly sensitive people are more aware of how terrible the effects of a suicide would be on the people around them. Certainly if you remind HSPs of that, they tend to wake up to how much harm it would do. After all, they have all those mirror neurons, all that empathy, so they can appreciate how others would feel.

The Effect on HSPs Left Behind

Suicide truly does have an awesomely bad effect on those left behind, and surely it will on HSPs in particular. If you lose someone close to you through suicide, there is terrible shock. Then deep bereavement. But also not understanding, and HSPs feel a deep need to understand. Why did this person not see the preciousness of the gift of life itself, and all the splendor to be enjoyed when the ego gets out of the way? And why did this beloved person leave you behind, not considering how much you cared. You may feel abandoned, betrayed, rejected, and even angry. Perhaps more likely, as any HSP you may worry that you could have helped. You may feel you were the best person or the only person who could have prevented this. If only this person had told you. Or worse, perhaps there was a hint, but you missed it. Your empathy seems to have failed. Whether you could have known or not, you may feel more acutely than others this guilty failure.

When I was in graduate school, as a class activity I was paired with another student to discuss our dreams. The next time I came to class I learned he had killed himself. With the acute hindsight of an HSP, I felt I should have seen from his dream that this was coming. Should I have told others? But the dream could have meant anything. I headed for a trusted faculty member for justifiable reassurance, but I certainly felt that potential for guilt.

In short, the suicide of others deeply affects us. There are many helpful websites for bereavement when the death was suicide. Do use them if this ever occurs to you.

Suicide as an Accident

Research finds that most people thought or spoke about suicide beforehand or made prior attempts. But they are still generally ambivalent. They are still thinking it over, until they act and succeed. However, except when people plan suicide in order to escape dementia or a terminal illness, when the suicide actually happens, it is my hunch that it is much more like an accident. I think it is especially often an accident among young people, who have very little experience with managing those times when they feel down. They see suicide as an escape, solution, or statement to those who have failed them, not realizing that they will not be around to appreciate the results. So we lose these lives that have so much promise.

It especially hurts that young HSPs may feel the need to kill themselves, and I wish I could address all the high school and college counselors in the world, to tell them how much they could help with just a little teaching about HS. They could screen the freshman at orientation with the HSP Scale, then just show the movie to the HSPs, or hand out the book.

Back to what do I mean by “accident.” You might call it the perfect storm. The mind, body, and spirit all sink. The mind may struggle with towering waves of shame and worthlessness from a horrible betrayal, rejection, devastating criticism of their work, a major defeat or failure, and further shame that one cannot control the reaction. The mind is sinking under these monster waves.

The body has often not slept or received good food or exercise, so there is a dramatic dip in physical wellbeing, especially the brain’s neurotransmitters. When these drop off, we always get depressed, but if they drop off too much, the depression is so huge that almost anyone would think of suicide. Then add drugs or alcohol, whether used before or after the idea of suicide has come to mind. These dramatically increase the risks because the mind is so unclear. The act itself feels unreal. The ship takes on more water and tilts.

Spiritually, we all have doubts about our path, but when the doubts win, all meaning can seem lost, and therefore our ultimate support. The main mast snaps. The ship sinks.

I find this idea of suicide being an accident is sometimes helpful to those left behind, especially the parents of a teenager. It’s hard to deal with someone we love dying in an accident, but at least they did not deliberately (and stupidly) die through killing themselves. It is sometimes a comforting idea, just because anyone can sense that it has some truth to it. Most people, most of the time, want very badly to live. When they stop, it’s strange. How could that happen? An accident.

My hunch is that many HSPs have thought of suicide from time to time, and many more have been devastated by the suicide of another. Since you are still here, you know that things change. No feeling is final. As we increasingly understand the value of our sensitivity along with its increased emotional intensity, I suspect we will be the least likely people to commit suicide, and the most able to understand and help when others lean that way. Let’s try to grow to be both of these.

 

A Different, Highly Sensitive Approach to the Holidays: Leading by Example

I would like to suggest a revolutionary approach to the holidays, although I hope some of you are already doing it. That would be to reduce or cut out the outer activities, and use more of the holidays for rest (yes!). Then in that rested state, you might reflect on the meaning of this time of year for you, or on anything else that wishes to arise from the depths.

You may not at the outset know what to reflect on. You could start with memories of past holidays, but try not to stop there. Your attitude might be receptivity without expectation. And you might reflect better outdoors, or with a candle. If your mind wanders, just come back to what leads to the most feeling, interest, or curiosity. If you need some support in this, you can try reading this post on downtime, solitude, silence, and loneliness, especially the poet Rilke’s comments on how worthwhile it is to do something difficult that could be meaningful.

Now, the Revolution

Then, I hope, that when people ask you what you are doing for the holidays or comment on how difficult this time of year is for them, you’ll tell them what you are doing. If they are interested, you might encourage them to reduce the intensity of the season by one outer activity and use that for inner activity. Yes, go inward.

I hope we do not destroy the entire economy by lessening holiday spending! Revolutions can be tricky. But even a few more people using some other time in this way might make a difference. Now I am thinking of the an earlier post.

My husband and I have spent two weeks in November, including the week of Thanksgiving, doing a personal meditation retreat, with time for individual solitude and silence between meditations and some light entertainment in the evenings. We will spend a week during the December holidays in the same way. (People often ask me how I get so much done. Well, I work hard and rest hard, enjoying both. A clear mind allows one to do less and accomplish and enjoy more. End lecture.)

Of course there will also be time for a visit from our family, and some gift shopping on line. We don’t eliminate everything. And admittedly, at our stage in life it is probably easier to cut back. I am saying all this merely to lead by example. Maybe you will have your own victory to share with others.

About Loneliness

What about solitude becoming loneliness? The same post on solitude also discusses loneliness. Loneliness can be a visitor during the holidays, even if you decide on purpose to cut back on your social events. It’s funny how choosing to be alone can turn suddenly into feeling left out when others are gathered to celebrate. That might be a time for music, or a call to someone who might also be alone.

I also know that some of you are more alone during the holidays than you would choose to be. I have tried in this Psychology Today post to be perhaps a little help with that. In your case, you fight in a quiet revolution to overthrow a different tyrant (some people do make it, even after years), and just to be still engaged in the fight indicates great courage.

Happy revolutionary holidays,

Elaine

 

 

A Table for Four: My Dinner with C. G. Jung, Martin Buber, and Maharishi Mahesh Yogi

Along with all the other exciting things that have happened this fall, I also had accepted and published a manuscript that I’d like to share with you.

In it, three men—Jung, Buber, and Maharishi Mahesh Yogi—are invited to dinner with me in my active imagination. Each devoted their lives to healing the collective psyche, decimated after two world wars, and to preventing worse devastation in the future. Each provided a body of knowledge and a path. And each steadfastly rejected the paths the other two recommended.

Meanwhile, I’ve devoted my life to these three paths, simultaneously. The conflict among these men had become an inner struggle demanding resolution, and I decided to write about it.

You can read the manuscript here.

 

With this Movie We Will Be Much More “Out”—Perhaps It’s Time to Be Much More “In” as Well

With this movie, Sensitive, The Untold Story, the story is going to be told. We HSPs will become much more visible. Of course, thank goodness, your sensitivity can remain invisible when you choose it to be. Remember I did a post about being invisible? http://hsperson.com/invisible-yet-definitive-part-of-yourself/. The comments on that are interesting, too, and some of you are wishing to stand up and speak up for sensitivity, especially for HS children, even calling it a “movement.”

However, as you know, high sensitivity (HS) is a baffling subject for others. HS is largely a physically invisible characteristic, like intelligence, wealth, having certain illnesses, or having experienced a recent loss. But if you have one of these characteristics, most people understand it immediately once you mention it. Explaining sensitivity is much more difficult, isn’t it? I hope this movie makes it much easier.

However, becoming more visible is going to lead to all sorts of consequences, some of them difficult still to imagine. But one that troubles me a great deal is that we are describing two groups of people, ourselves and the others. I want to help us all avoid some problems that may arise if we’re not careful.

First, I encourage you to try to eliminate the term non-sensitive or non-highly sensitive from our (mine, too!) vocabulary. I think we can say non-HSP to those who do not find “HSP” annoying in-group jargon. Or you can say those “without the trait” or the “other 80%.” Or maybe you have a better idea.

The reason for this is that human beings have a very hard time thinking of two groups or of any two things as equal. North and South, East and West, dog and cat, salt-and-pepper, up and down, right and left, London and Paris – almost immediately we each have a subtle feeling of which is our favorite. Evolution has probably trained us to judge quickly between two things.

In particular, human beings make judgments about their group, the “in”-group, and about all other groups, the “out”-groups. Of course we usually favor our group, especially when the outgroup is a minority. This is a serious problem that is found in most social animals. For example, chimpanzees have been observed to engage in deadly warfare with other chimp troops, no doubt to take over their territory when they can outnumber them, or to defend themselves when they think they are threatened. We certainly know about humans resorting to violence in both cases. As soon as we humans notice a difference, whether it’s who’s in your family or tribe, or who has a different language or skin color, there’s a judgment of who’s better and of potential threat.

In fact, in social psychology there is a phenomenon called the minimal group, in which, if you have people just count off 1-2-1-2 and have the 1st go to one corner of the room and the 2nd to another, very quickly on that basis alone each group feels superior in subtle ways to the other.

One Way We Might Be Now In the Outer World

Of course there all kinds of human instincts that are problems and that we humans are trying to overcome, such as greed, misusing power, conforming to others’ evil behavior when we should resist it, and resorting to violence when there is a conflict. We will have to overcome this out-of-date in-group-out-group prejudicial instinct as well, and I am hoping you as HSPs can take this opportunity to lead in this regard.

If someone, after watching the movie, brings up the issue of whether you now think you are superior, or simply implies it, perhaps now feeling inferior, you need to say, “No, not at all superior. That is not true, just as it is not true that we are inferior, the point of the movie. We want to be seen as equals working in teamwork with other people with other characteristics and temperament traits. There are many ways that we humans (and animals) differ, you know. Diversity is a blessing that should be embraced without prejudice towards any group.” Something like that.

What We Might Be Able to Do By Being More Inside

I know for myself at least, as this movie takes me more out, I need and want to counter it with more being inside. For me that means more meditation, which for me is Transcendental Meditation. There is plenty of science to show that it provides a dramatically deep state of rest, allowing the brain and body to repair itself and reduce numerous problems, from heart disease and diabetes to anxiety and depression, and perhaps most impressive are the many studies showing its particularly powerful effects on generating personal growth http://www.thehartcenter.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/11/Meditation-Metta-Analysis-American-Psychologist-.pdf

As you know, I like scientific evidence, and I also like groping around in the spiritual area. Here’s proof:

http://www.hsperson.com/pages/1May12.htm

http://www.hsperson.com/pages/3Aug12.htm

Also http://www.hsperson.com/pages/1May04.htm

http://www.hsperson.com/pages/3Aug04.htm

Yet I also feel uncomfortable with seeming to promote a particular spiritual path, or at least ambivalent about it. I want you to know there are choices, then for you to make yours.

But I want to risk talking about something more subtle regarding the inner world, for which I feel there is also good evidence. In most traditions it is recognized that when even a minority are deep in meditation, it affects their environment in positive ways. The same thing is said about Transcendental Meditation, as well as some other techniques. How could that be, in terms of physical causation? Studies provide rather convincing evidence that crime rate, for example, drops when and where people meditate. http://psycnet.apa.org/psycinfo/1989-28007-001 How does that happen? Does something invisible move through the air?

Some scientists think they do know the physical facts behind it–a good 7-min video of a very personable one:  https://youtu.be/xjNjxDtLOjk . But other scientists are still in doubt. I say, do we absolutely have to know yet? In statistics there are two kinds of errors. One is of accepting a hypothesis as true when it is actually not true. We all dread that. It means we’ve fooled ourselves in some way and are acting on the basis of untruth. But the other potential error is rejecting a hypothesis when it is actually true, and thus rejecting the potential usefulness of a real phenomenon. Well, if meditation is good for us personally, and of course if we are functioning better that’s good at least for the people we directly interact with, we don’t have to worry about whether it also affects others even beyond that. And yet it would be nice to think that it did.

A Sufi Perspective

Recently I read an article by Llewellyn Vaughan-Lee in Parabola (Fall, 2015, pp. 36-43). Vaughan Lee, who is a teacher in a Sufi lineage, expressed very well what I want to say. He begins by speaking, as have many, of the reality and the personal experience of both this outer world and many levels of an inner world, including a level of no thoughts, no emotions, no perceptions – simply pure consciousness, as also described in the video above. Many mystics have described this, as a darkness that is full of light, a fullness of emptiness, a nothingness that contains everything but before it has become particular things.

Llewellyn Vaughan-Lee is very concerned about the rapid destruction of Earth’s ecosystem, as I am. And like myself, he thinks that more experiences of this very deep “nothingness” or pure consciousness can have a real effect on this huge problem. This does not mean that people should do nothing else but go deep inside, but it might mean that this should also be done, especially by HSPs, who may be especially drawn to and able to be effective with this approach to helping our planet, which is so special and changing so fast.

Vaughan-Lee puts it this way: “Life needs the freedom that belongs to nothingness, to what is not yet defined…” He wants us to try allowing “nothingness to benefit humanity – to give humanity breathing space… Grace needs this space. And the whole of life needs what can be given only through grace.” To him, in the space between nothingness and this material world there are many other levels of reality, but this space has been collapsing due to the increasing focus on the material world as the only reality. I have to say that some, not all, scientists have contributed to this collapse a great deal, by their almost religious belief in the falseness of religions and spirituality!

Can We Stop the Collapse?

In the Central Valley of California, because of the drought, agricultural interests have been pumping groundwater out of the water table as fast as they can by drilling wells still deeper than their neighbors’. (As one person put it, it’s like four-year olds with straws, all hoping to out suck each other from the same milkshake.) The layers of sand and water, where the water is found, are between layers of hard clay. Without the water, the layers collapse into clay and a thin layer of waterless sand. When rain does come, water cannot penetrate so much clay and does not store up underground any more. Since the 1920’s the ground has subsided as much as 30 feet in some places and with more drilling, two more inches from 2008 to 2010, indicating extensive collapse from pumping out groundwater. Now some scientists are trying to pump water back in to those layers of sand still having some water, before they all collapse and there is simply no more water available from underground.

Thinking in terms of Vaughan-Lee’s metaphor, one can envision a similar collapse of layers within us. Somehow I believe that HSPs have the power to avert that collapse by learning to penetrate and move within those spaces. In Vaughan-Lee’s article, he does not really teach how to do this, although all of the elements are there. For example, this is not a matter of will so much as a skill in attentive letting go, of staying conscious, but of being conscious of nothing, or close to nothing, not even focused on breath or passing thoughts (not that those methods do not have clear value). This is exactly the end state in Transcendental Meditation, Christian Centering Prayer, and probably a method taught by Vaughan-Lee that is not in the article. I will not try to describe it more here. Some of you will understand and I hope the rest of you will come to. It isn’t really that difficult. It’s a matter of experience.

Vaughan-Lee makes the lovely point that sometimes the doors between inner and outer swing open for someone, and if we are attentive this can be a period of great personal transformation. He also thinks this is true of the collective, that sometimes, if we as a species are attentive, we have the opportunity to witness enormous change in humankind, for good or ill. He sees the rapid change today as such an opportunity for transformation, and requires our full attention—in nothingness. “With one foot in nothingness, with one ear attuned to silence, we are infinitely watchful and undisturbed…[you can be] a fulcrum between these dimensions, a dynamic gateway between being and non-being.”

Well, I hope my fellow scientists in particular will not reject me for my description of other dimensions, based on the experience and research of some very intelligent people, but not yet fully understood. I know it has become, to scientists, a trite analogy, but quantum physics is another example of layers of reality and multiple dimensions that we cannot see or easily study, but that we have come to trust as realities.