Elaine N. Aron's Blog, page 3

2021 Research on HSPs

I looked through the website and realized I have not written a blog about the research since 2017! I truly apologize. At this point I can hardly keep up, because there are so many research studies on high sensitivity (a.k.a. Sensory Processing Sensitivity, which by the way has nothing to do with Sensory Processing Disorder).  I do not even know most of these researchers, and they are all over the world, from Japan to Turkey. So much published research means that there is widespread interest in the subject now.  It’s gone big time!

In this blog I will summarize some recent research, and in future blogs earlier studies, between 2018 and 2020.

Inevitable Problems with Research

There are inevitable problems with the increasing research, in that it is sometimes tending to lead to a more negative impression of highly sensitive people (HSPs) than is correct. That is, there is a bias towards expecting HSPs to have problems, and that seems to be true for two reasons. First, almost no studies look at differential susceptibility: That as adults HSPs with difficult childhoods have more problems than others do, but with good childhoods they have fewer problems, and in fact thrive.  That is the natural result of being sensitive to your environment. We do not know the percentage of adult HSPs who had good childhoods, and it is probably not the majority because their parents did not know anything about the trait. So, if you average all HSPs together, they might appear to be rather troubled, as some of the research suggests. But that really misses “vantage sensitivity,” all the good that comes from being an HSP, especially when growing up in a good environment.

Problems with the HSP Scale and the Coming Revision

The second reason for this somewhat negative bias is the HSP Scale (the slightly longer, research-version of the HSP self-test on the website). The original scale was created in the early 1990s, at the very beginning of our research. Over the years we were bound to discover problems with it.  Namely, almost every item is about something negative or the wording is negative: I am easily overwhelmed, I am made uncomfortable by…, I am annoyed when…, I get rattled when…, I try hard to avoid making mistakes, I become unpleasantly aroused, and so forth.

Besides the problem with negative wordings, the current scale is also negative because it is almost entirely about being easily overstimulated and measures very little of the rest of DOES–depth of processing, empathy/emotional responsiveness, and being sensitive to the subtle.  We know the “Big O” in DOES is the only problem with being an HSP. But items about overstimulation sure hogged the measure!

Naturally the negative emphasis has led to study after study finding HSPs are more anxious, depressed, subject to burn out, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.  Grr.  It would be okay if researchers asked about childhood so that they could look at differential susceptibility.  Or even mention differential susceptibility as a possible factor in their results.  But that is still rare.  As a result, poor studies are coming out all the time.

So, we are creating a new scale that measures all of what is missing. There’s a group of us working on it.  Together we have written new items, tested them, and found what seem to be the best 60, and are now reducing the list to the very best ones. It will correlate well with the old measure (be similar statistically), as it should, because the old HSP scale does pick out HSPs from others and show, for example, their brain differences on tasks or how differently they behave in experiments.

Recent Studies (Least Affected by the Problems Above)

You can find the abstracts of these articles by copying and pasting the title (in quotes, after the number below) into Google Scholar. When you find the abstract, if there is something on the right, click on that and the full article may come up. If there is only an abstract, there will usually be a large charge for the full article, but your local library maybe able to get it for you, or any university library to which you have access

The study “Sensory processing sensitivity behavior moderates the association between environmental harshness, unpredictability, and child socioemotional functioning” found that over two years, children (around 3 at the start) high in SPS, compared to those without the trait, if they were living in an unpredictable family environment, were more likely to become what we might call “hard to deal with”—fighting, hitting, being resentful (these are termed externalizing behaviors, and remember these are very young kids). On the other hand, those low in SPS were not especially affected by unpredictability at home. (SPS was measured by children’s behaviors in a laboratory study, not by the HSP Scale.)

“Unpredictable” was measured by how often things like sickness or death in the family happened, or moves, a separation or divorce of parents, or a change in primary caregiver.  Harsh parenting did not affect HSCs and non-HSCs differently.

This effect on HSCs of unpredictability came up in another study, in which HSCs in kindergarten were more affected than other children by unpredictable parenting, but not affected more than others by “bad” parenting (such as parents being too permissive or authoritarian).  It seems HSCs can get used to almost anything except constant change. This may be true of you, too.

Bottom line:  You might want to work on learning to expect change (read some Buddhism!), to plan how you will deal with a change when you know one is coming (like a move), and accept or grieve a change when necessary. “No change happens without loss; no loss happens without some grief.”  Above all, remind yourself that it is normal, for you as an HSP, to have these strong reactions to change.

Here’s a good one: “Sensory processing sensitivity predicts performance in an emotional antisaccade paradigm.”   I imagine you scratching your heads about this one. What’s that? A short answer is that it is a measure of being able to pause before acting, in this case pause with your eyes. You are shown a dot, then it moves. You are told either to follow the dot (prosaccade), the natural thing to do, or you are told to look the opposite direction that it moved (antisaccade), an instruction you obey more slowly because you must make an effort.  This requires strong “executive” brain functioning.  In this study, both dots and faces were used as the objects.  HSPs were more “accurate” than others, in that they had a faster reaction time to the instruction to look the opposite direction than they would normally. This was only true, however, when instead of dots they were responding to faces with emotional expressions, and especially true when researchers compared their response to neutral versus sad faces.  By the way, these results had nothing to do with the mood of the subjects at the time.

Bottom line: You can feel even more confident that you and other HSPs process things, especially social information, more carefully and accurately at a deep level (not just thinking about the task more, but when asked to do it quickly, doing it better automatically). This contrasts with those having schizophrenia, ADHD, or autism, who in other studies were found to have slower reaction times on these tasks.

The study “Sensory Processing Sensitivity Moderates the Relationships Between Life Skills and Depressive Tendencies in University Students” looked at which life skills (decision making, interpersonal relationships, communication, and emotional coping) were associated with lower depression, and found that for HSPs compared to others, emotional coping was the key skill. (Poor interpersonal relationship skills go with depression in everyone; poor decision-making skills, not surprisingly, with those low in SPS.)

 Bottom Line: If you tend to get depressed, focus on your emotional coping skills!

“Sensory-processing sensitivity and COVID-19 stress in a young population: The mediating role of resilience.” The results are not too surprising.  HSPs were being slightly more negatively affected by the pandemic (obviously the circumstances you are in are the main factor, not temperament). However, this was not true if the HSPs had adequate levels of resilience, as measured by a six-item scale with items like “I tend to bounce back quickly after hard times” and “It does not take me long to recover from a stressful event.” This is undoubtedly at least partly the result of resilient HS teens having had more positive parenting, again due to differential susceptibility to good and bad circumstances.

Bottom Line: When asked how HSPs are doing during the pandemic, you can  say that a study of teenagers found that on average they were doing about the same as others, maybe a little worse sometimes, but a large number are exhibiting greater resilience than others, probably due to differential susceptibility—that is, they are more affected by this event, true, but also by everything else, including a positive environment at home.

“The role of sensory processing sensitivity and analytic mind-set in ethical decision-making.” Researchers manipulated “mind set” by giving participants an ethical problem to either think thoroughly through (deliberation mind set) or focus on finding a concrete, practical solution (implementation mind set). Not surprisingly, HSPs performed better in the deliberative mind-set, “allowing them to solve the problem using their natural problem-solving approach.” People who did not have the trait performed better in the implementation mind-set. “Results suggest that ethics interventions should not be ‘one size fits all,’ and should consider a person’s natural problem-solving tendencies.

Bottom Line: This obviously validates the depth-of-processing aspect of our trait.  To me this study also means the idea is getting out there, along with the wonderful advice that in whatever situation, one size does not fit all.

“Experiences of Adults High in the Personality Trait Sensory Processing Sensitivity: A Qualitative Study.” This study is just what it says:  It summarizes in-depth interviews, done by experienced researchers, based on all we know now about the trait, but providing more fine-grained information, suggesting new hypotheses for fostering the well-being if HSPs.

Bottom Line: Could be worth reading.

It’s wonderful to see so much research.  If you use Google Scholar, a lot more will come up.  But I do not encourage it, as you must read know how to read the details in order to spot any flaws—usually concluding that HSPs are worse off than others in some way without having looked at childhood or current other life stressors.  Still, things are coming along well.  The more research there is, the more high sensitivity will be discussed in years to come as part of the professional training of teachers, therapists, and doctors.  Wouldn’t that be wonderful?

On Being a Unique HSP

As some of you know, I have stepped back from some of my HSP activities (not the research) to write a book on something different, not on HSPs. I already knew I needed to back off, but the pandemic brought it home to me, that I specifically wanted to move away from the job of generalizing about HSPs to the media. I would be asked by some interviewer, “How are HSPs handling the lock down?” and I would say (a bit gruffly, I fear): “I don’t know. Each differently. Some suffer, some love it. We are in the same storm, but very different boats.”  Then to be polite I added some generalizations.

I don’t feel bad about the generalizations I have made about HSPs. They are all based on research or my long experience, and I know they have been helpful to many. But what keeps standing out for me now is how different we all are. All living beings are, but even within the group of HSPs, or maybe more in this group, we are so different. After all, if our trait is about being more sensitive than others to our environment, that should mean that we vary more than others coming from similar environments.

The idea that every human is different is such a cliché that I hate to touch the subject. It is an obvious scientific and spiritual fact (in that most spiritual traditions mention using the unique gifts that God or our karma gave each of us). I used to joke that psychology is the study of whether people are more the same or more different. And I love the bumper sticker, “Be yourself. What are the options?” That sums it up so well that it seems like there’s nothing more to say.

Seriously Though

But I don’t think people take the idea of individual differences seriously enough, and my knowledge of high sensitivity is what brought that home. There is a huge difference between HSPs and those who are not, and it has been so difficult to convince the world of that. But what about all our other differences?

I’m not going to blame our society or even human nature for failing to take into consideration individual differences, although I see that improving. Both science and medicine, for example, move forward mostly through studying what is generally true. And we all develop our inner hypothesis about how people generally are (usually we think they are like ourselves), and then carry around those stereotypes when we meet someone new.

We do think differently about people according to their age, gender, and ethnicity, but within those groups there’s the same problem:  We do not see the differences among individuals. However, this is all inevitable, because we need generalizations in order to make predictions, plans, and just to understand and empathize with someone else until we know more.

Your Differences Are You

However common generalizations and stereotypes are, we do not have to accept them about ourselves if we know they don’t apply. But first we must notice them. My eleven-year-old grandson has learned to sail expertly, and when he’s going out or coming in, adjusting his sails, people say “I can’t believe someone your age…”  When we go out together, I hear about myself, “I can’t believe how agile you are on that boat, at your age.”  Last time he and I went out and heard things like that, we decided to start weeding out ageism from our own speech!

It is your job to have a very clear idea of yourself and be ready to share it or correct the views of other when it is appropriate. You might need to say that you can or cannot do a certain job, like a certain situation, perform well, and so forth. Above all, what follows from knowing ourselves clearly is that what is good for us and what is good in us can guide how we can be most useful in the world.

An Inventory, if You Want

If you want to (you may vary on this!), spend some time soon thinking very seriously and objectively about yourself—your traits, traumas, skills, strengths, preferences, dislikes, quirks, flaws (I call flaws those things that do not work for others, unless they don’t work for me either), etcetera. Maybe write the list down. Think of it as an inventory of yourself, like an inventory of the items in a store–don’t you deserve that much attention? You do not have to be that thorough, but what fun to end up with such a list.

Add to your inventory your age and how much of your life is still before you and what you can expect to happen to some items on your list as you age. And there’s your physical health and financial resources, any chronic burdens. Maybe include the support you can expect from others. Stop when you are tired.

If the inventory includes (and it should) flaws, problems, or just things you wish that you were and are not, you can do at least three things about them, probably more:  One solution is to reframe them if you can, in that they may also be strengths—maybe you said you are stubborn (but then aren’t you also persistent?), vulnerable (but also sensitive?), “codependent” (but also devoted and empathic?), impulsive (spontaneous?), distractable (alert to opportunities?) and forgetful (living in the moment or wise in other ways?).

A second solution for the problematic items is to weed them out if they are habits, or heal the source of them–another topic. And a third solution, after applying solutions one and two, is accepting those flaws that are still there. Hey, it’s a package deal. No one is perfect. Someone else may treasure these quirks of yours. No accounting for tastes! There may even be some way to put them to good use–become an expert on that problem.

Now look at the finished inventory. If you are disappointed, ponder that. You may find that once you face your disappointments, you can forget about them. You are who you are.

How Can We Make Use of This Person? 

Now look at that list as an objective outsider who needs someone to do a job. Any job. Run a library, be a caregiver to a sick relative, walk dogs, study astronomy, teach reading, be a good friend, write poetry or lyrics to songs or lines in greeting cards. By job I clearly only mean what this person, given this inventory, could do when not sleeping, eating, and all that stuff.  Can this person be someone with a beautiful garden that makes them feel good (or that people walking by it can enjoy)? Can this person be someone who makes dogs and cats happy? Someone who is simply cheerful and radiates that? Someone who is funny, or who dresses delightfully, or who enjoys kids so that their parents feel good about their offspring, or someone who cares about the environment in big ways or small?

Can this person be someone others can depend on, for food, clothing, education, love, a visit now and then? Or can this person be someone others hardly notice, yet can feel grateful for what they have been able to do given their inventory, maybe one with many burdens?

We all need some purpose in life. Some would say firmly that we were all put here so that we could live that purpose. Have you found the right one yet, one that fits you perfectly or close enough for now? Because of course the fit changes as circumstances change. Perhaps your purpose now is to raise your children or retire and enjoy your accomplishments so that others can take your place or take new pleasure in the new you, the one no longer working so hard. You decide.

After my last blog, on impermanence, many people wrote comments and I enjoyed reading them. You talked to each other and gave your own solutions for dealing with the fact of change and loss. So, I welcome any comments on this post, as you explore the joys and difficulties of being unique.

Impermanence and the Highly Sensitive Person

Do not worry, this is not all a downer, but we HSPs cannot ignore things, like the rapid change in the last few years.  There’s the crazy weather, with floods and droughts, burning forests and smoke everywhere, with evacuations and personal losses.  And we now live with face masks (or not) lines for vaccines (or not), and the march of new viruses (no debate there).  It seems we are going to have to get used to rapid change. I don’t know about you, but I find some of these changes especially hard to accept, like the loss of beloved redwoods to fires too hot even for them.

Some scientists say we are in the Anthropocene, the geologic age characterized most by humans’ effect on everything.  As I have been joking lately, “Climate change is coming to a theater near you.” At least more humans can finally see it and not just walk around like dinosaurs unaware of the comet. (A Cretaceous Era joke.)

Impermanence Has Always Been Permanent

A philosopher might say we are in the Age of Impermanence. But it has always been a major topic in philosophy, dating back to the early Greeks and Hindus. “Impermanence” is a word that entered my social group with the popularity of Buddhism.  Many teachings are attributed to Buddha—more than he ever had time to say in his impermanent life.  But we are certain that almost his first words after becoming Buddha (meaning enlightened) was that everything is always changing, and that this impermanence is the cause of suffering because we cling to things, like youth, or loved ones, or life itself, that are bound to go.  “But you can never miss what you never believed you had.”

According to Buddha, by realizing the truth of impermanence and giving up all attachment, perhaps helped by meditation, you could reach nirvana and be freed of karma and the cycle of birth and death. Wow.  Maybe not your vision or mine of happiness, but there’s Buddha’s solution.

The Hindus also hold that everything is impermanent, but to them it is not all a source of suffering.  In particular, knowledge that one’s self is actually part of the Self (the unbounded, permanent absolute) is a source of joy, again usually found through meditation. Buddha would say that that knowledge too is impermanent.  Whatever.

What is Your Solution?

I think most HSPs have already found a way to handle impermanence, but for some of you it may be time to hit the refresh key.  I cannot give you my answer, because that would not be yours, and maybe you can even improve on the thinking of all those old guys.

I will start a list and you can finish it.  Some of these are mutually exclusive, some not, but even those that are can be used on different days!

Do everything you can to fight the changes you do not like.  What you do also changes things.Face impermanence only enough to know it is there, but not so much that it takes away all joy in life.  We HSPs have always had to be good at this.  We imagine the worst and prepare or philosophize.  Then figure out how to live here, now.Develop equanimity. Like Buddha did. Build equanimity like a muscle, one that even grows with age.  Feel it about smaller things first.  Break something?  “Okay. I can live without that.”  Car won’t start?  “Whatever.  Just have to get it fixed.” Mad at someone?  “Yeah, sure, been there, felt that, and I’m done with it.”  There are bigger, hard changes I know.  Sure, get upset.  You may need to act, too. But also go to “This is hard, but I can figure it out, maybe get some help.”  Muscles.Meditate.  I have daily (TM) for 50 years and it does build those muscles, trust me on that.Celebrate change, at least a little.  One thing must go for another thing to come into being.  I bet you can think of at least one time when a loss seemed horrible, but now you see it was for the best.Look at the big picture.  Before the Anthropocene there was the Holocene (ended with the last Ice Age—Ice Ages must have been fun).  What will come after the Anthropocene? Maybe something pretty good.  Thus far the march of the ‘cenes has done us well.Trust in the permanent, whatever that is for you. Really? Permanent? Yes.  Plato did, among other philosophers, so you would be in good company.  No, I do not mean the permanence of rude drivers. Something bigger than that. Maybe just the laws of nature, always operating.  Can you live in tune with them?  Or bigger than the biggest big picture, the One or What that came before all pictures.  If you like praying to it or its representatives, do it.  Again, you are in good company.Now add to the list. You are an HSP. You can do it.

How Are Highly Sensitive Men Different?

As some of you know, I have a special place in my heart for highly sensitive men.  I really do like them.  That is part of why I want to see this movie made about them.  But what makes them different from other HSPs or other men?

I am becoming increasingly averse to making generalizations about HSPs because I am aware that you all vary so greatly.  I want you to be true to your individual self.  (That’s why I regret making generalizations about those on the “autism spectrum,” in order to distinguish them from HSPs, but that turned out to be hurtful to the individuals involved, each of them unique and some also HSPs.)  So, I thought about only what is most certain to be true about HSMs?

First, HSMs develop under the influence of male genes, the main factor being testosterone.  Gender spectrum aside, 99% are clearly biologically male.  (Probably I just hurt someone’s feelings again—its good people are speaking up, but keep in mind that some of us need a while to catch up.)  Of course, male and female behavior is such that many men do some things women normally do and vice versa.  But hormones have to make HSMs and HSWs different in some ways.  How do hormones interact with sensitivity?  We do not know yet, but they surely do, and we need to learn about it.  Maybe that’s phase two of the research.

Looking Back at the Evolution of Male Behavior

Another factor is evolution—what worked?  We know sensitivity works enough to be present in 20 or even 30% of the population and in equal numbers in men and women.  That means HSMs have been successful at reproducing themselves. How?

We know human males evolved into a strategy found in some birds and in other mammals, which is staying around after mating help raise their own young.  This method of seeing their DNA goes on to the next generation, contrasts sharply with simply mating as often as possible with as many females as possible and not staying around after.  Males using this strategy protect and support their family, the mother and children, in various ways, depending on the species.  So HSMs, just by being males, are protectors and supporters.

But research shows that sensitive individuals do protect and support themselves and others differently.  Birds that are highly sensitive are not aggressive, hence some researchers (Korte, Koolhaus, and company if you want to look it up) call individuals in a species who are like that “doves,” wrongly, I think.  I think a better term would be “strategic.”  But to report the study properly, we have to go with their term.

Keep in mind these researchers are talking about differences in individuals within the same species, in this case great tits.  (Yup, that’s a real bird species, very common in Europe and thus often studied.) Other great tits they called “hawks.”  Great tits who are dove types are not aggressive, obviously, and explore their environment carefully. (Think of DOES.) Great tits who are hawk types do a lot of fighting and do not bother with exploring.

When there is enough food, dove types defer to the hawk types, letting them eat where they want and foraging themselves in less obvious places. When there is not enough food, dove types know where the food is!  Hawk types, not having bothered to look around, do not easily find new food sources.  This is brilliant strategy, even if not conscious.

I think in humans these strategies are planned, but still have an evolutionary basis.  HSMs as doves-types or, better, strategic types. plan for their own and their family’s survival.  They don’t want to have to fight over resources when things get tight, whether in the stock market or grocery store.  They see to it, if they can, that they will have what they need.  It may be about making enough money and investing it wisely, living in the right place, heading off problems with offspring, or avoiding health threats.  (I’m pretty sure HSPs were among the first, on average, to be vaccinated against Covid-19 and by being careful, were hospitalized less often.)

But how do doves in a species manage to attract the other sex and mate with them without fighting for them?  Turn to the Black Wolf of Yellowstone (a film about him can be found online), who was so unusual in his behavior that his DNA was treasured by geneticists wanting to study him.  He was famous for avoiding confrontation, yet as his nickname “Casanova” suggests, he mated often by waiting for the alpha males to be absent long enough to get the apparently willing females pregnant.  What amazed everyone was his strategic sense in all matters, including the amazing sight of him, when chased by angry alpha males, crossing a paved road that he knew the other wolves would not cross, and with plenty of tourists watching from their cars.  What a star.  I guess HSMs can have more fun—and charm and strategic abilities.  By the way, this wolf lived to be very old, finally dying in a fight with other males.  Watch your back.

Bottom Line:  Look out, I Have Another Acronym.

This one for HSMs:

S for strategic, or depth of processing in action, since males must act and keep an eye on other males, especially those who are more aggressive.

T for testosterone—you cannot explain an HSM by thinking he is more “feminine.”

Y  for wise yielding—to live to fight (better) another day and in another way, and yielding as in “high yield” investments.  (Yielding can be misperceived as weakness, but it isn’t at all—as when in the martial arts, especially judo, you use the other’s attack to defeat them almost effortlessly while preserving your own mental and physical energy.)

L  for leadership—either among people (see John Hughes’s article on Why HSPs make Better Leaders) or become leaders in their fields, in the arts, science, business, athletics, or any field they endeavor, using their unique STYLE.

E for Empathy, which can be used in close relationships and leadership, but also in knowing, for strategic purposes, what others are up to, sometimes even before they know.

P.S.  HSM as Designated Survivor

It’s no secret that I like Star Trek, all iterations except the sexist first one, but it’s not so much the science fiction.  I like that all the main characters are good people–heroic, kind, etc.  I only watch TV while doing my floor exercises every other day, but after watching Star Trek for so many years that I know what happens in every episode, I needed an alternative.  Netflix kindly showed me other things I might like, given my liking for Star Trek, so I tried Designated Survivor.  I was instantly hooked.  It is a relentless thriller, which I would never normally watch and DO NOT recommend for other HSPs. So why was I watching?

The show is about U.S. politics–this quiet guy, never interested in power or fame, becomes President after EVERYBODY in the government (even the Supreme Court) is killed in a huge bombing during the State of the Union address.  (Is this everyone’s secret political fantasy?  That we start fresh with a good person at the top?) I didn’t know it, but in the U.S. there is always a person, a cabinet member, who does not come to the State of the Union but is hidden in a secure location, just because of this slim risk.  That person becomes President if all others are lost.

It turns out this “designated survivor” (Kirkman, read Churchman) and many of those around him, inspired by him, are unfailingly good and wise, in every situation, just like the crews of Enterprise.  I was hooked, even though I am overstimulated by every episode.  I never watch it at night, but my exercises are taking longer and longer!  The big scary problem in Star Trek is always resolved after one, maybe two episodes.  This carries the scary stuff forward, so it builds and builds.  Not good for going to sleep at night.

I finally had to scroll forward to see if all the good people in danger are still in later episodes!  (Spoiler alert:  Yes. I will do this with a very tense novel, too–read the last chapter.  I know authors decide the outcomes and I will not be tortured by an author who is going to leave me miserable in the end.)

Today I got it—I’m addicted to this show because an HSM has become President, whether the show’s creator knows it or not.  And the episode I just watched confirmed it.  His wife was having a flashback about how he took the lowly cabinet post of Housing and Urban Affairs.  He didn’t want to.  He liked just being an architect planning affordable housing.  He only took the job, finally, as a chance to be of service to more people.  In this episode he’s also talking about his anger towards someone he had trusted who turns out to be a conspirator in the bombing and a total traitor who has lied to him constantly.  Kirkman says that for the first time in his life he wants to hit someone.  In fact, he’s like to kill this guy, which shocked him.  He confessed to his Secret Service guard that he has never hit anyone, ever in his life.  As a school kid he was always the peacemaker!

I do not know that I recommend the show, but let us know if you have any way to reach the creator, David Guggenheim, or the actors (especially the lead, Keifer Sutherland, son of one of my favorite actors Donald Sutherland, as in Ordinary People and A Dry White Season).  Here I am promoting their show.  They ought to at least be willing to talk with me.

My Journey as a Sensitivity Researcher by Prof. Michael Pluess

Let me start by admitting that I never planned to pursue an academic career in the first place. As a result, I don’t have a typical university professor background. Whilst growing up in Switzerland, music was my main passion. I played various instruments and dreamt of touring the world as a bass guitarist. And in order to fund my music studies after completing high school, I ended up training and working on the side as a lab technician in analytical chemistry. But after having toured for a few years as a professional musician, I realized that what brought me even more alive were deep conversations with others about things that really mattered—one of the hints I saw later of my own sensitivity. Consequently, this insight led me to study psychology with the aspiration of becoming a psychotherapist. 

The Path to Differential Susceptibility 

Fast forward a few years and with an BSc and MSc under my belt from the University of Basel (Switzerland), I moved to London (United Kingdom), to work towards a PhD under the guidance of Prof Jay Belsky, a renowned developmental psychologist. In our first meeting, Jay introduced me to his intriguing idea of differential susceptibility. This theory suggests that children differ in how strongly their development is shaped by their environment, with more “susceptible” children being more influenced by both negative and positive environmental exposures. Although a fairly simple idea, this made a lot more intuitive sense to me than the traditional perspective taught in my psychology courses which focused exclusively on the negative impact of early adversity.

Unsurprisingly, differential susceptibility became the focus of my doctoral work. In my early work with Jay, we explored infant temperament and genes as indicators of heightened susceptibility to parenting and childcare. As the theory predicted, we found that certain temperament traits or genes were associated with an increased vulnerability to the negative effects of harsh or neglectful care but also a heightened responsiveness to warm and supportive parenting and childcare. 

Along Came Sensory Processing Sensitivity 

In early 2008, I reached out to Dr. Elaine Aron, with a hunch that her work on sensory processing sensitivity may have much in common with the theory of differential susceptibility. In fact, in my first email to Elaine (I just checked my archive) I wondered whether people characterized by high sensory processing sensitivity might be those who are particularly susceptible to both negative and positive environmental influences. After this initial exchange we stayed in touch, updating each other on our respective research and thoughts on sensitivity and susceptibility. 

After I completed my PhD, I ran a study in a secondary school in East London evaluating an intervention aimed at promoting psychological resilience in children. I was particularly interested in finding out whether highly sensitive students would benefit more from the programme. At that time, we didn’t have a sensitivity questionnaire tailored specifically for children. So, together with Elaine and others, we developed and tested what would be known as the Highly Sensitive Child scale. And indeed, we found that sensitive children did benefit more from the intervention than less sensitive children. 

This study of high sensitivity was the beginning of a fruitful collaboration with the Arons and branched out into other joint research projects, especially regarding the measurement of sensitivity in children and adults. One important finding was that people tend to fall into one of three sensitivity groups: about 30% of the population are highly sensitive, another 30% are relatively low in sensitivity, and the remaining 40% are somewhere in between. These groups are sometimes referred to as orchids, dandelions, and tulips. 

The Value of an Umbrella—the Concept of Environmental Sensitivity

As my research into sensitivity advanced, it became clear to me that what the three leading theories on sensitivity (sensory processing sensitivity by Elaine and Art Aron, differential susceptibility by Jay Belsky, and biological sensitivity to context by Tom Boyce and Bruce Ellis) have in common is that all three suggest that some people are especially strongly affected by environmental influences. In order to facilitate research across these related yet different concepts, I integrated the three theories into the framework of environmental sensitivity. Importantly, environmental sensitivity doesn’t replace the three long-standing theories of sensitivity, but instead seeks to combine different aspects of the theories to provide a broader and more comprehensive perspective. 

Research on sensitivity has come a long way since my early days as a PhD student, with a growing number of researchers exploring the different aspects of sensitivity today. As a result, we have much more evidence-based knowledge and this continues to grow year-on-year. In order to make this valuable body of research more easily accessible to the general public, we launched a researcher-led website in 2020: www.sensitivityresearch.com. Through this website, we provide reliable information and resources on sensitivity, share recent research findings, and offer the same self-tests online that we also use for our academic research (all for free). It is a really exciting time for all who are interested in sensitivity and there is a lot more we can learn about this important trait. 

What About Me? Yes, Also Highly Sensitive

I realize that sensitivity probably always played an important role in my life even though I didn’t have the right language to describe it until I began to research it myself. Early on in the research, I thought I was probably in the middle group, a tulip, because like many men, especially those with supportive childhoods, I was not really having problems with my sensitivity. Sure I could get stressed and overstimulated, but I figured everyone did.

I see now, however, that I am more likely a healthy and fortunate orchid. As a child, my sensitivity certainly contributed to the intense connection I experienced with music. At the same time, I also deeply enjoyed analysing and thinking through complex issues. Indeed, sensitivity may account for my unusual path that includes analytical chemistry, music, psychology, and finally an academic career. It could be the secret thread that weaves all of these rather different experiences together. Looking back through the eyes of a developmental psychologist, I’m particularly grateful that my parents provided an environment that allowed me to embrace my high sensitivity and run with it wherever it would take me. According to the theory of differential susceptibility, it may be exactly my heightened sensitivity that enabled me to benefit so much from the positive aspects of my childhood environment and to acquire the creativity, confidence, and resilience that are required for the often challenging life as a university professor.

An Amazing Future for Research on HSPs

As I write, we have various projects on sensitivity under way, including one on sensitive children in primary school and a new project on HSPs and their experience of psychotherapy. There are still so many more avenues to be explored in detail, such as the genetic and neurological bases of sensitivity or the development of sensitivity across the life course. Recently, we started a monthly webinar for doctoral students from all over the world working on the topic of sensitivity, with the aim of exchanging ideas and promoting collaboration cross-culturally. Let’s see what comes next as this exciting journey continues!

If You Can Manage It, Be Sure to Do What You Want

As some of you know, I took off three months from my usual tasks (mostly answering emails, doing interviews, speaking, etc.) to focus more on writing and research. I was surprised by how happy it made me. Almost ecstatic! I realize that I thrive on being creative, as do most HSPs, and I have not been seriously creative for years. Interviews and emails often involve repeating the basic information about HSPs over and over. I do enjoy speaking and especially answering questions, which allows for creativity.  But speaking involves hours of arrangements to be made (more emails) beforehand, and afterwards I am always exhausted. I needed to go back to what I was designed to do, and that is creative writing – whether fiction, nonfiction, or new research articles.

“But you write so much already!” To be truthful, after twenty-five years of writing advice for HSPs, I find that it no longer feels creative. Of course, it may come to feel creative again, but I want any future advice I give to be more creative, wiser. Deeper. After being asked so often how HSPs have been affected by the Pandemic, at one time I might have given some pat answers – maybe “in three ways,” even – but now I feel strangely irritated by the question. How should I know? How are left-handed persons affected? Not only are we differentially susceptible, but we are all in different circumstances and have other personality traits. What about introverts versus extraverts? People living alone versus living with people they love, or living with people they can barely stand? I just do not feel like lumping you all together right now, on the one hand, or trying to address the issues of dozens of subgroups of HSPs.

So here is some advice after all, in the form of questions without answers from me because it would differ for each of you. Are you doing, at least some of the time, what you really love to do? What you feel you were meant to do? What makes you happy? Can you find a way to do it more?

One other thing: Once you get into anything truly creative, be prepared for serious moments of doubt about its quality and how others will receive it. Creative means different. Different is risky. But if the work is making you happy, maybe it is worth the risk. And maybe it is excellent.

Bottom line: Three months was not enough for me and I am going to continue focusing on the writing I want to do right now. You will see emails from me less often. Let me be your role model. If you can manage it, be sure to do what you want. None of us will live forever.

Excerpt from Bill Allen’s Confessions of a Highly Sensitive Man, Chapter 3: Being Different Growing Up

Excerpt from Bill Allen’s Confessions of a Highly Sensitive Man, Chapter 3: Being Different Growing Up

Quiet and Alone

I was a shy child and introverted. One of my earliest recollections was around the age of four. My parents had switched churches, and I can clearly remember the first Sunday we attended the new church. I was taken to a rather large room divided into sections. My mother and father knew I wasn’t going to go lightly into this strange place. The minute I knew I was being sent off to be with complete strangers, the waterworks began. I can remember screaming and kicking. I felt abandoned as I watched my parents exit the room and disappear down the hall.

At some point, I calmed down. To be fair, the Sunday School teachers were nice people, but I didn’t feel right. I know I didn’t want to be there. Some might say it was a good lesson for me. I needed to allow my parents to go do adult things, like going to the Adult Sunday School class, but I was not used to being out of my element. It was a process I experienced over and over again in the first ten years of my life.

The Changing Outer World Solved by my Room and Books

We moved several times in my young life. Probably not as much as a military family, but it was enough for me. Moving was hard; essentially, it meant I had to start over again. Not just meet new friends, but rediscovering my new baseline, find the new comfort zone. This was not an easy process for me. I was very aware of my surroundings. To be comfortable, I had to know who were friends, who were enemies, or folks I had to watch out for. By the time I was nine-years-old I had moved four times, each as difficult as the previous one. I had changed schools four times before fourth grade, in some cases bouncing from one state to another. Of course, there seldom was continuity in the educational systems in the sixties. I was in the South, at one point going from a state last in education to one just a couple notches above. …

I never thought of myself as bookish. I didn’t care to read Hardy Boy mysteries or books for young fiction readers. I was a more practical information enthusiast. In 1964 my parents invested in a set of World Book Encyclopedias. To me this was a fabulous gift. It had pictures and tables, lists and articles, the likes I had never seen before. I devoured the set, cover to cover book to book, from A to Z. I spent hours with a single encyclopedia reading about everything, everyplace, learning things I’d never heard of in school. It was the Internet version 0.1. And I loved it. It was then, at that tender age, that I became an information freak….

My room was my castle, my refuge, my sanctuary. I spent many hours playing with toy soldiers, cheap little plastic K-Mart soldiers. I didn’t play with them like a normal boy, no; I created scenes from a movie with dialogue, action and in the end, no one got killed. I didn’t shoot my soldiers up with BBs or throw rocks at them to knock them down. No one ever was blown up, but within my head was a deep orchestration of these plastic actors on a stage of bunkbed mountains, battlefields made of carpet, bunkers behind tables or chairs, and lakes and rivers made of throw rugs. Sometimes it took hours to set up the scene, long convoys of troops, tanks, and jeeps. It all played out in my head. There was a rich world of possibilities between my ears.

How to Avoid Humiliation: Become an Imposter

As I got older, approaching fifth or sixth grade, I discovered how easily I became embarrassed. Unfortunately, for me, the kids in class found that out, too. They could make me turn beet red by simply directing some unwanted attention my way. Some kid would fart and then point at me, chastising me for the rude breach of etiquette. I knew it wasn’t me, but because I was embarrassed, I blushed. Blushing is the equivalent of an admission of guilt for eleven-year-olds.

…I developed a pattern of avoidance behaviors.  As I got older I avoided social interactions, the coed birthday parties, the swim parties, the chances for serious embarrassment, or in my mind, humiliation. Any opportunity where I would be out in public around peers or adults or frankly, anyone, I found myself avoiding. I shied away from Little League, because every game was a venue for rabid, trash-talking parents and spectators who became invariably attached to a team. I wasn’t very good at baseball, so the opportunity for humiliation was great.

This sounds over the top, but to me, humiliation was something that needed to be avoided at all costs. My shaky young man’s ego was not framed to handle the onslaught of criticism or mockery that screwing something up provided. It was sad that my ideas about myself and self-image were so hinged on my inner world. There was never outward confirmation because the only place I could get that was in the outside world. And sadly no one was pushing me gently to test the waters. It formed a lifelong habit of avoidance that I am just learning to overcome.

…From Boy Scout scoutmasters to pastors or coaches or any adult male family members, I was socialized to accept the prevailing norm for male role behavior. Which in so many words, is to be a man in the nineteen sixties, World War II definition. Conform or be rejected. This binary choice did not make room for kids who didn’t fit that model.

I felt I lived the life of an imposter. There was much incongruity of who I was and what I presented to the world.

On the Other Hand

Around friends, the neighborhood kids, I was much more confident. These interactions were more one-on-one, and I selected my friends carefully. As my family settled in to the neighborhood in South Carolina, where I grew up, I gained a newfound sense of confidence in who I was. I found that I was a natural leader and organizer.

Our neighborhood was almost a frame right out of The Little Rascals. We organized baseball, football, and basketball games with other neighborhoods. I found myself being the one everyone came to find out what was going on. We built campgrounds in the woods, organized campouts with the neighbor kids, and generally had idyllic summers. I was the one doing the organizing, and I liked that role.

At one point, I decided to create a neighborhood newsletter and received a student style typewriter where I crafted stories. The next-door neighbor’s mother was a school teacher, who mimeographed the newsletter so we could distribute them.

Yes, in the right circumstances and with a certain comfort level, I could easily rise to the top. I was a likable, smart kid and believed in the team concept, yet appreciated my friends as individuals. I was well organized and great planner for the neighborhood. I never realized that these characteristics were natural talents. I just never received the right feedback.

In school plays, I was always chosen to be the play’s narrator, usually the first kid out in costume, reciting my lines nervously, but flawlessly. If the costumes were dorky, I got the first laugh, which, of course, was embarrassing for me. One year, we performed a play about George Washington and the founding fathers. I walked out in front of the curtain to start the show, with a quick narration about the subject matter, sporting a concocted wig made of cotton balls that, by the time the play had started was beginning to disintegrate. I was tall and skinny and must have looked ridiculous because the audience burst out in laughter when I walked to center stage. Yet, somehow, I managed to execute on my lines and exit red-faced but relieved. My good memory and my conscientiousness were showing. Perhaps that was why I landed the same part every year.

What I learned was what I didn’t learn. I didn’t learn how to be confident in myself or who I was becoming. I never learned to deal with my sharp emotions, how to let them flow over me, immerse and release them, and not hold on to them. I struggled internally with those feelings and never felt the guidance of an older, wiser man. There was no one to steer me through the difficult process of expressing my emotions, my fears, and my constant worries about the external world…

Does this work for me?

Guest blog, “Does this work for me?” written by Tom Falkenstein, psychotherapist and author reflects on the publication of his book “The Highly Sensitive Man”

On a rainy evening in London in Spring 2015, I decided to write a book about highly sensitive men. Although only a little over five years ago now, it feels to me like a completely different time – before Trump, before Brexit, before the rise of populism in politics across the USA and Europe, before Covid-19.

I had learned about the concept of high sensitivity and the research behind it in 2013 and felt that, although the topic of sensitivity came up regularly in my sessions with my male clients, it was not a topic that was reflected on bookshop shelves at all. I struggled to find a single book that focused on men and sensitivity.

Despite Elaine Aron showing that gender had no effect on the likelihood of being highly sensitive, almost all of the books I could find about high sensitivity were written by women and seemed to address first and foremost the female reader (the late Ted Zeff’s wonderful book The Strong Sensitive Boy being the much needed exception). So I decided it was high time that someone wrote the first psychological guide for highly sensitive men.

Although focused on men, it is a book that I hope female readers also find helpful and I am delighted when I get emails from women who have read the book. Inclusion has always been extremely important to me in every aspect of my life and it also applies to my writing and my therapeutic practice. I really struggle with the whole “us versus them” notion when it comes to gender. So although it is a book that focuses on masculinity, sensitivity, and tools for emotional regulation, it is of course also a book for you, no matter whether you identify as male, female or non-binary.

I was hugely lucky to quickly find a publisher here in Germany who was keen to publish the book, though a few other publishers did turn down my pitch on the basis that men won’t buy a book about high sensitivity. This assumption, I’m glad to report, turned out to be wrong.

What followed was just over two years of research, interviews and writing, while still working as a psychotherapist in London and Berlin, before the book was first published in Germany in 2017. Swedish, Dutch and English translations followed then and, while it’s been no Da Vinci Code, the sales figures have exceeded both my expectations and those of the publisher. I mention this not as a big pat on the back, but in the hope that more publishers in the future will take risks with books that might appear to go against gender stereotypes and normative thinking. We desperately need more books that focus on male identity and masculinity.

The Promotion Problem

What I didn’t think about when I chose to pitch The Highly Sensitive Man was that, once the book was finished, it would need promoting.  And this is where things became more challenging for me. Being introverted and highly sensitive, I found the research and writing part of the whole process very enjoyable and relatively easy. I always loved writing, even as a child. I remember being so engrossed in writing The Highly Sensitive Man that at one point I suddenly realized I hadn’t left the flat for three days! But when the book was first published in Germany and my publisher suggested doing some readings and interviews with journalists, I couldn’t think of anything worse. Somehow I had naively thought that my work as an author was done when I handed over the final manuscript. 

In my opinion, it is helpful in my job as a psychotherapist to be relatively private and it is something that comes easily to me as I am a private, but not secretive, person. The idea of public attention is not something that I find particularly appealing as I’m quite content with the level of attention I get from my loved ones. Having attended many book readings over the years and having spent considerable time in the company of other writers, I know that, for those who are introverted, highly sensitive in temperament and sometimes shy, this very public aspect of their job is often very hard for them and can even be disadvantageous in their careers. Why do we expect writers to also be performers these days? I suspect there is a reason why they chose a relatively solitary profession in the first place and I often find myself feeling frustrated on their behalf.

So how did I deal with the requests for promotion? Simple: I said no to everything. Readings, interviews, invitations to speak at events. I just didn’t do any of it. Although I knew I could do it (I had some experience in public speaking and had run therapeutic groups for several years) and felt flattered by the interest in the book, I also knew that I would find it overstimulating and exhausting.

This inner conflict felt like a dilemma to me. I also – again naively or idealistically, depending on your point of view – liked the idea of the book speaking for itself, it slowly finding its readership over the years without me plugging it relentlessly online or at events. At the same time, this could be the only book I ever write, so I also wanted to enjoy the process of being a published author and not turn it into something that felt like a chore. I’m usually someone who likes a challenge and a goal in life, but I also liked the idea of giving myself permission to deliberately stay in my comfort zone when it came to publishing my first book.

Taking My Own Advice about Self-Care

After about six months of saying no to everything, my thinking shifted. First of all, I started getting some feedback from male and female readers who had read the book and loved it. In addition, the book was well reviewed and foreign publishers started showing an interest in translation rights. Suddenly, I almost felt as if the book was becoming a person and I was the parent. I realized that if I didn’t cheer it on and support its way into the world, no one else would. Allowing myself to feel some pride about the achievement of having written and published a book and starting to get a sense of how important the book and its topic was to some people, also shifted my perspective. All of the sudden, I wanted to leave my comfort zone – at least intermittently. 

In the book I write about the importance of self-care, not just for HSPs, but for everyone (again, trying carefully to avoid the “us versus them” paradigm), to set firm boundaries with others, to say no more often, to ask yourself the important questions: “What do I need?” and “Does this work for me?” Instead of just saying no to all the invitations I received, I started applying these questions to the whole promotional process.

What did this look like practically? Well, for example, I asked journalists to meet me in environments that I felt comfortable in and that weren’t too busy. Because I find Zoom/Facetime/Skype video calls quickly overstimulating, stressful and never feel great afterwards, I turned these into telephone conversations or written interviews via email. I did join social media reluctantly, but decided to use my Instagram profile mainly for recommending books and connecting with readers. When I was invited to go to Sweden for a promotional trip, I asked whether I could stay in a hotel of my choice, where I’d stayed before, had a peaceful atmosphere and great, HSP-friendly lighting. And I still allowed myself to say no to a lot of offers, unless I had the hunch it would give me some pleasure or would seem like a challenge, I felt ready to face.

These examples might not seem that significant to some, or pretty obvious to others, but to me they felt like important moments of personal growth and they gave me a sense of control over the whole process. Instead of turning away completely, I found a way that worked for me and my temperament.

Finding Your Own Balance

My point is that, if you’re highly sensitive and you also find yourself in a situation that doesn’t really suit your temperament, ask yourself what you need and whether the situation really works for you. If not, maybe there is a way to change certain aspects of it to make it more enjoyable and less overwhelming for you.

Also ask yourself whether there is perhaps a relatively small but significant part of you that enjoys the challenge, that enjoys leaving your comfort zone from time to time. If so, brilliant – we can find and honor this part in ourselves too. If not, though, don’t be afraid to say no. Give yourself permission to do so. No one else will do it for you. It sounds so obvious and yet it is so easily forgotten.

Tom Falkenstein is a psychotherapist and author based in Berlin. His book The Highly Sensitive Man is out now.

Coping with Uncertainty

I do not have to tell HSPs that we are now mired in personal and global uncertainty, because we hate uncertainty.  We always process decisions deeply (e.g., struggle), and it’s hardest when there are so many uncertainties and future influences that we can think of all too well, but cannot control.

Right now, almost everything requires our depth of processing. How much risk to take? Should I enter into this activity, situation, store, visit with a friend–or stay safe? What about my mask—is it right or do I need a better one? How will this affect me financially? What should I do about that part of it?  What information should I trust?  What supplements or foods should I increase now?  Should I avoid grandchildren, elderly parents, or friends who want to get together and say it will be safe? Should I get that overdue medical exam or check out this health problem, or not?  Should I send my desperately restless, hungry-for-learning-and-friends child back to school? When there is a vaccine, how safe will it be?  Floating over it all:  How long will this go on?  Will I or someone I love get it?  Will I/they be permanently damaged by it?  Will I/they die from it?

I have written before about making decisions if you are an HSP, but so much of what I wrote does not apply here, such as looking for how you could undo your decision if it turns out to be wrong, or appreciate that a wrong decision will not be so bad in the long run. With covid-19, you cannot undo most decisions if wrong, and I don’t have to tell you that a single wrong one could be very bad. Eeks.

So here is my admittedly feeble advice. First, view this tsunami of uncertainty as an opportunity to develop your skill and tolerance.  If we HSPs struggle with uncertainty, face into it, become an expert at riding it out.  Use what you know as of now, apply some intuition about the situation, and act.

Next step:  Listen to that old guy Buddha. Change is the essence of the relative. Everything around us is impermanent and so are we.  If you cling to now, or to the pre-covid past, you are going to be unhappy.  Stay as safe as you can, of course, but be a Buddha about it too.

Accept that the human brain also changes, daily. Sometimes being Buddha-like is totally impossible.  Clinging to your best moods, happy self, or wise ego will not work.  No matter how much you try to train yourself, you will not be at your best every day.   That does not mean you should not do all you can to stay peaceful—meditate, spend time with nature, avoid over-stimulation, stay rested, get the social contact and support you need, but above all, remember that no feeling lasts forever. So be patient and kind to yourself when you can’t regulate your feelings.

Buddha, Christ, Lao Tzu, Rumi, and many others said that the solution to the changing nature of everything is to open to the unchanging, which is beyond all names or descriptors, yet hidden in everything like the sap in the trees, and with the right instruction easily found within you also, as your underlying, unchanging state of consciousness-by-itself.

So define what for you is unchanging.  (Hint, this is probably ultimately a spiritual answer!) Stay with your unchanging as much as you can.  That will not be always. But knowing it is there and touching base with it when you think to will really help.

By the way, I am pretty sure we HSPs and those close to us will account for a high number of those who do not catch the virus!  We come with instincts (think of them: D.O.E.S.) perfectly designed for surviving this kind of threat.

Quiet Leadership

“That’s just the point: an honest and sensitive man opens his heart, and the man of business goes on eating – and then he eats you up.”

– Fyodor Dostoevsky

The year 2020 has started off with a bang and our world is upside down in many ways as COVID19 has brought us an unprecedented event, at least for many in our lifetimes, that has shaken the whole of the world as it has sought to respond by closing entire nations, desperately trying to provide for their citizenry, and reformulate and adapt their economies to reflect a new reality.

Caught up in this whirlwind, we highly sensitive people are perhaps better suited for such an event in some ways, especially concerning low sociability, for those of us who are more introverted, our innately cautious and careful nature, and so many of us already spend a good deal of time catastrophizing in our thinking.  COVID19, for us, may not have been as devastating or imposing on our daily routines as for others because many of us have already considered these extreme possibilities.  But there is a larger opportunity here to reflect and find meaning in this pandemic as it becomes clear that our trait, sensory processing sensitivity, is well-suited for such times in many regards.  There is an opportunity here for a style of leadership that is based in service to others that I call “quiet leadership.”

Quiet leadership is rooted in servant leadership, not being servants in the sense of subordination, but in the sense of serving others through setting our egos aside and working to grow and develop the potential of other people. Quiet leadership in 2020 provides a stage for actors who would otherwise be invisible to become visible and to have an impact on the world.  I posted a terrific article on my FaceBook page @tracycooperphd about now being a time for Bodhisattvas to spread blessings and alleviate suffering. Bodissattvas are described in Buddhist teachings as individuals who have vowed to live with dignity and courage, while radiating compassion wherever they might be.  The quiet leaders, very simply, are the Bodhisattvas who are willing to step up and take it upon themselves to operate from love and understanding, rather than from ego and opportunistic personal interests.

Quiet leadership is a style of leadership that I feel many HSPs may feel comfortable embodying because it does not ask that you be the center of attention, nor that you make all the choices, or operate in an aggressive and domineering way.  Rather, quiet leadership amplifies what is likely already your preferred way of mentoring and guiding others: through helping them realize the abilities and talents already within themselves that just need fertile ground in which to bloom.  We quiet leaders provide that lush loamy garden spot for others to grow and become what they are capable of, while still reaching our goals and deriving great meaning from how we choose to embody leadership.

Sensitive men, as I have come to know them through my work mentoring and educating them on their traits, already lead from a heart-centered perspective, as opposed to a desire for power or control.  It is not enough to just lead from the head; we must lead from the head AND heart!  If this pandemic shows us anything, it is that purely linear approaches to leading people are efficient but fail to acknowledge the complexities and nuances of real life for real people.  We sensitive men will pull the levers of power, but it will be in a different way that empowers and sustains others, while creating the next generation of leaders.

The current moment asks of us that we lead from the heart and head to ensure that our efforts are fair and equitable in a time of mass uncertainty.  Further, that we fulfill our need for living our lives in a meaningful way that does not take for granted our finite time in this life.  The spiritual dimension of quiet leadership accomplishes several important elements that we know, from Self-Determination Theory, are essential to well-being and flourishing:

Autonomy – to oversee one’s life and feel in sync with one’s integrated self.Competence – to be in control of outcomes and have a mastery of skills, abilities, and talents.Relatedness – a drive to connect with others and experience prosocial bonding and caring for others.

Self-Determination Theory further tells us that it is intrinsic motivation that truly provides meaning in life because when we are powered by our chosen interests and activities, the efforts become worth doing for their own sake and not for external reasons.  Intrinsic motivation is the essence of so much in life that is worthwhile, fulfilling, and personally relevant and meaningful.  In this time of quiet leadership the many Bodhisattvas hand out food to the hungry, howl or applaud at 7pm, and otherwise keep things together at a time when other leadership styles simply seek to return to their “normal” as quickly as possible.

My experience as a quiet leader working with HSPs, HSS/HSPs, HS men, and creatives of all types has been complimented by my simultaneous work with graduate students in my other career at Baker University, where I am a program chairman and faculty member.  During my time in higher education, I have had to address how to bring my temperament and its’ rich potentialities to bear as a teacher for students who are often anxious, bored, or overwhelmed and tired from their daily lives.  Teaching in an online environment has further challenged me to develop specific strategies for connecting with students and encouraging engagement.  I have found that guiding and mentoring students has added to the richness of my life as I relate quite well to their feelings of anxiety, while knowing what it takes to achieve an academic goal.

The patient guidance and mentoring that we quiet leaders can provide is relevant in a pandemic and anytime as people will always need heart and head centered leadership.  We sensitive men are in a special position to positively effect change in our cultures and embody the best of what it means to be sensitive and distinctly different than the average leader.  Events may overtake us at times, but the quiet leaders are there to remind us of our humanity and shared commonalities.  In an age of uncertainty for so many, quiet leadership may emerge as a unique leadership style that allows those of us who would never be heard from otherwise to shine!

Website:
drtracycooper.wordpress.com

Books:
Empowering the Sensitive Male Soul
Thrive: The Highly Sensitive Person and Career
Thrill: The High Sensation Seeking Highly Sensitive Person