Elizabeth Miceli's Blog, page 2
October 7, 2015
Reviews, Rankings, and Reckless Choices
On Friday, I left class at 12, and headed home to get my house prepared for "the party of the century." I was ready after my hair appointment, my fabulous dress was ironed, and my house was perfectly clean and filled with food and drinks for all of my guests. The night was a blur. I remember saying hi to the almost 75 people in my house but beyond that- the night seemed to end all too quickly.
The rest of the weekend was weird. My dad's URI football game was exciting but we ended up losing to Brown. Sunday I relaxed and went to the movies, got some work done, and by the time Monday rolled around- it was like I blinked and there was just 12 hours left.
The night before my book release started with an email from my fabulous publisher. She asked if I had seen the rankings for my novel that was available for preorder. She was very excited. Me, the rockie, had no idea what my ranking meant.
I sent back a frantic email: "Wait- is this the number of books sold?" I sat up with my mother and father (who seemed thrilled) and tried to figure out what my "exciting ranking" actually meant.
It turned out that it meant out of the 2 million books on amazon, my novel was ranked at 29,000--- a very high percentage.
I was thrilled. I spent the night tossing, turning, and talking to myself. (And desperately trying to not have a panic attack.)
When I woke up the next morning, I was at 15,000 ranking and was starting to feel nauseous. I took the day off. THANK GOD. And I did the only thing I could imagine doing- I spent the day with my mom. We went shopping, we ate Chipotle, and we read my reviews. It was a perfect day.
But, you know that something had to put a damper on things.
What put a damper on things, you ask? A DATE. Surprise, surprise.
Last night, after a perfect day, I made the awful decision to go out with an old boyfriend.
WHY WOULD I EVER DO THAT?! We broke up for a reason. *I'm screaming at myself right now.*
Reasons why it was annoying:
1. I paid for BOTH coffees. (Be a gentlemen, dude. GOD.)
2. He complained about the fact that I didn't "put out" in high school.
3. He was so unbelievably rude the whole night.
When I got home, I tried to forget about it. My family and I opened a bottle of champagne, we joked and laughed about my new found "fame" and we went to bed calm.
The reality is, no matter how many books I publish: I am still more single than ever. And I will probably continue to be until I find a man that's genuinely good enough. I'm gonna continue to write, to study, and to be myself. If the right guy comes along the way then I will definitely go for it.
But right now, in this moment, I feel amazing. My novel is PUBLISHED, it is currently at a rating of 13,000, and I have achieved what I've always wanted. Who needs a boyfriend when you have all that?
The rest of the weekend was weird. My dad's URI football game was exciting but we ended up losing to Brown. Sunday I relaxed and went to the movies, got some work done, and by the time Monday rolled around- it was like I blinked and there was just 12 hours left.
The night before my book release started with an email from my fabulous publisher. She asked if I had seen the rankings for my novel that was available for preorder. She was very excited. Me, the rockie, had no idea what my ranking meant.
I sent back a frantic email: "Wait- is this the number of books sold?" I sat up with my mother and father (who seemed thrilled) and tried to figure out what my "exciting ranking" actually meant.
It turned out that it meant out of the 2 million books on amazon, my novel was ranked at 29,000--- a very high percentage.
I was thrilled. I spent the night tossing, turning, and talking to myself. (And desperately trying to not have a panic attack.)
When I woke up the next morning, I was at 15,000 ranking and was starting to feel nauseous. I took the day off. THANK GOD. And I did the only thing I could imagine doing- I spent the day with my mom. We went shopping, we ate Chipotle, and we read my reviews. It was a perfect day.
But, you know that something had to put a damper on things.
What put a damper on things, you ask? A DATE. Surprise, surprise.
Last night, after a perfect day, I made the awful decision to go out with an old boyfriend.
WHY WOULD I EVER DO THAT?! We broke up for a reason. *I'm screaming at myself right now.*
Reasons why it was annoying:
1. I paid for BOTH coffees. (Be a gentlemen, dude. GOD.)
2. He complained about the fact that I didn't "put out" in high school.
3. He was so unbelievably rude the whole night.
When I got home, I tried to forget about it. My family and I opened a bottle of champagne, we joked and laughed about my new found "fame" and we went to bed calm.
The reality is, no matter how many books I publish: I am still more single than ever. And I will probably continue to be until I find a man that's genuinely good enough. I'm gonna continue to write, to study, and to be myself. If the right guy comes along the way then I will definitely go for it.
But right now, in this moment, I feel amazing. My novel is PUBLISHED, it is currently at a rating of 13,000, and I have achieved what I've always wanted. Who needs a boyfriend when you have all that?
October 1, 2015
Nerves
Can I be totally honest about my release with you?
I AM PETRIFIED, excited, anxious, and pumped all at the same time. I have never experienced this many emotions probably in my life (at the same time at least.)
Each emotion is there for very different reasons.
I am petrified because there is a very real possibility that my novel won't do well. I'm worried that after all this time and energy-- my work will not be read.
But I'm EXCITED because there is ALSO a very real possibility that it could be a bestseller! (Anything can happen, right?!)
I am anxious because this book has very harsh themes and I'm concerned about the reaction that people will have. I'm worried that people will read the rape scene and immediately be scared away.
I am pumped because I know that most people will not feel that way. I have a feeling most people will feel connected to Stacey in some way and will not be afraid of the rape scene. They'll know just how real that scene is. Finally, I'm pumped because all of my hard work is paying off. I am pumped because after all of the sleepless nights-- I will finally be a published author.
Writing a book is not only time consuming but it takes over your life. These characters become apart of you and you are compelled to write their story.
In 6 days, Stacey will be heard. Her story will be able to help real lives.
That is probably what I'm most EXCITED about. I'm excited for the good reviews. I'm excited to hear from teens that really love Stacey and have been through similar situations. I'm excited to hear from a young girl that was given hope after reading Stacey's story.
As of right now, I might be a bundle of emotions (and nerves) but in a few days I know that it will all be worth it.
Stacey's story will finally be set free.
I AM PETRIFIED, excited, anxious, and pumped all at the same time. I have never experienced this many emotions probably in my life (at the same time at least.)
Each emotion is there for very different reasons.
I am petrified because there is a very real possibility that my novel won't do well. I'm worried that after all this time and energy-- my work will not be read.
But I'm EXCITED because there is ALSO a very real possibility that it could be a bestseller! (Anything can happen, right?!)
I am anxious because this book has very harsh themes and I'm concerned about the reaction that people will have. I'm worried that people will read the rape scene and immediately be scared away.
I am pumped because I know that most people will not feel that way. I have a feeling most people will feel connected to Stacey in some way and will not be afraid of the rape scene. They'll know just how real that scene is. Finally, I'm pumped because all of my hard work is paying off. I am pumped because after all of the sleepless nights-- I will finally be a published author.
Writing a book is not only time consuming but it takes over your life. These characters become apart of you and you are compelled to write their story.
In 6 days, Stacey will be heard. Her story will be able to help real lives.
That is probably what I'm most EXCITED about. I'm excited for the good reviews. I'm excited to hear from teens that really love Stacey and have been through similar situations. I'm excited to hear from a young girl that was given hope after reading Stacey's story.
As of right now, I might be a bundle of emotions (and nerves) but in a few days I know that it will all be worth it.
Stacey's story will finally be set free.
September 17, 2015
Three Strikes And You’re Out of My Life
When I was a young girl, I remember going to Paw Sox games with my dad. This triple-A team associated with the Red Sox had the absolute best games. I remember being so excited to spend quality time with my dad (who was usually at work) and him explaining to me the rules of baseball. To this day, I don’t know a thing about baseball or any sports for that matter. Despite my dad being a college football coach, I know the bare bones. I know you get three strikes in baseball, I know the quarterback throws the ball in football, and I know that basketball has players such as Lebron James and Kobe Bryant.
Going to sporting events for me was not about the actual game. It was about the experience. It was about sitting with my dad for a couple hours in an environment he loved. It was about the amazing food, the screaming fans, and the atmosphere. I definitely didn’t go to watch and understand the game.
However, when it comes to the matters of the heart, I know more. I understand how the game is played, I understand the rules, and I definitely understand how the players handle themselves. And I have taken one rule from what my father taught me during a baseball game into my dating life.
"Three Strikes and You’re Out"... of My Life.
I always find myself saying things like “maybe he’ll change” or “maybe I’ll give him one more chance”. But, the 3 strikes rule forces me to realize the chances I've given and moreover, what I deserve.
When I’m deciding whether I’ll give a guy another chance- I always try to remember a quote my family uses a lot.
“Hurt me once, shame on you. Hurt me twice, shame on me.”
What is this quote saying exactly? If you go back to this guy even though he has already showed you his true colors- you’re just ASKING for him to hurt you. You are not only allowing him to treat you disrespectfully but you’re being a pushover.
At that point, if you go back after three issues, you’re doing it to yourself.
Going to sporting events for me was not about the actual game. It was about the experience. It was about sitting with my dad for a couple hours in an environment he loved. It was about the amazing food, the screaming fans, and the atmosphere. I definitely didn’t go to watch and understand the game.
However, when it comes to the matters of the heart, I know more. I understand how the game is played, I understand the rules, and I definitely understand how the players handle themselves. And I have taken one rule from what my father taught me during a baseball game into my dating life.
"Three Strikes and You’re Out"... of My Life.
I always find myself saying things like “maybe he’ll change” or “maybe I’ll give him one more chance”. But, the 3 strikes rule forces me to realize the chances I've given and moreover, what I deserve.
When I’m deciding whether I’ll give a guy another chance- I always try to remember a quote my family uses a lot.
“Hurt me once, shame on you. Hurt me twice, shame on me.”
What is this quote saying exactly? If you go back to this guy even though he has already showed you his true colors- you’re just ASKING for him to hurt you. You are not only allowing him to treat you disrespectfully but you’re being a pushover.
At that point, if you go back after three issues, you’re doing it to yourself.
September 14, 2015
Still Salty About It
It’s been two weeks. Two weeks since I realized how I should be treated and ended things. Two weeks since I closed a book that had way too many chapters in it to begin with. Two weeks since I decided to stand up for myself. *Cue Fight Song by Rachel Platten…*
Being that I'm known for being crazy after breakups, I gave myself a time limit this time. I decided that I wasn't going to waste a month being sad. I wasn't going to give him the satisfaction.
I gave myself three days to mourn the relationship. A few days to eat poorly, watch a couple sappy Rom-Coms, and cry in the shower. And then I did what I always do: I started to mingle with new guys. I wrote “Don’t give him more of your time” in my planner- reminding me that every tear is yet another time that he won. Another time that he made me unhappy.
So, I stayed focused.
I went back on Plenty of Fish and I started to flirt with guys on campus. I desperately tried to push any negative thoughts out of my head. When I started to think about him, I would text a guy friend. When I had the urge to eat a box of Oreos and think about our first date, I would go to the gym. When I wanted to call him, I started to work on my novels.
In certain ways, it actually worked.
The last few weeks, I wasn’t crying nearly as much as I usually do after a breakup. I definitely didn’t call and text him as much. And best of all: instead of going right to the refrigerator and finding cookie dough, I ate healthier than I usually do after a breakup.
Here’s the downside.
I didn’t mourn the relationship at all. Instead of being sad for my usual couple of weeks and feeling rejuvenated afterwards: I rushed things. I tried to push myself into being happy way too quickly.
So now, two weeks after the breakup, when I think about him- I still feel that twinge of sadness. I still feel uneasy about what happened.
Breakups are a lot like losing a loved one in certain ways. If you don’t talk about the loved one you lost and don’t “cry it out”—years later you could still be miserable about their passing. That’s exactly what happened with my breakup. Three days was not nearly enough time to mourn.
It might be embarrassing to admit, but the reality is that I needed more time. I needed to sit on the couch eating popcorn, watching The Notebook on repeat, and just crying it out.
I needed that time to remember all of the good times, but also remember why I made the choice that I did.
I may have learned this about myself the hard way, but either way I know that I will get through this breakup. Sure, it was hard (and it still is) but one thing I got out of it is that my feelings can't be rushed.
It took months to develop our relationship and I deserve at least half that amount of time to realize that it's over.
Yes, it's normal to feel sad after a breakup. Yes, it's hard to put aside those feelings. And moreover, it's not easy to realize that you need time to get over what happened.
It sucks that we can't wake up after the breakup and feel immediately better. But, we're human. And the reality is that we loved and lost. And loss isn't easy to deal with.
Being that I'm known for being crazy after breakups, I gave myself a time limit this time. I decided that I wasn't going to waste a month being sad. I wasn't going to give him the satisfaction.
I gave myself three days to mourn the relationship. A few days to eat poorly, watch a couple sappy Rom-Coms, and cry in the shower. And then I did what I always do: I started to mingle with new guys. I wrote “Don’t give him more of your time” in my planner- reminding me that every tear is yet another time that he won. Another time that he made me unhappy.
So, I stayed focused.
I went back on Plenty of Fish and I started to flirt with guys on campus. I desperately tried to push any negative thoughts out of my head. When I started to think about him, I would text a guy friend. When I had the urge to eat a box of Oreos and think about our first date, I would go to the gym. When I wanted to call him, I started to work on my novels.
In certain ways, it actually worked.
The last few weeks, I wasn’t crying nearly as much as I usually do after a breakup. I definitely didn’t call and text him as much. And best of all: instead of going right to the refrigerator and finding cookie dough, I ate healthier than I usually do after a breakup.
Here’s the downside.
I didn’t mourn the relationship at all. Instead of being sad for my usual couple of weeks and feeling rejuvenated afterwards: I rushed things. I tried to push myself into being happy way too quickly.
So now, two weeks after the breakup, when I think about him- I still feel that twinge of sadness. I still feel uneasy about what happened.
Breakups are a lot like losing a loved one in certain ways. If you don’t talk about the loved one you lost and don’t “cry it out”—years later you could still be miserable about their passing. That’s exactly what happened with my breakup. Three days was not nearly enough time to mourn.
It might be embarrassing to admit, but the reality is that I needed more time. I needed to sit on the couch eating popcorn, watching The Notebook on repeat, and just crying it out.
I needed that time to remember all of the good times, but also remember why I made the choice that I did.
I may have learned this about myself the hard way, but either way I know that I will get through this breakup. Sure, it was hard (and it still is) but one thing I got out of it is that my feelings can't be rushed.
It took months to develop our relationship and I deserve at least half that amount of time to realize that it's over.
Yes, it's normal to feel sad after a breakup. Yes, it's hard to put aside those feelings. And moreover, it's not easy to realize that you need time to get over what happened.
It sucks that we can't wake up after the breakup and feel immediately better. But, we're human. And the reality is that we loved and lost. And loss isn't easy to deal with.
August 31, 2015
A Beginning's End
Have you ever left a relationship knowing that if the timing was different- you would still be together?
I sure have.
Those might be the hardest relationships to end. Sure, you have chemistry. He always makes you laugh. And something about him gives you butterflies.
But that being said- something inside you is telling you you need to leave.
He doesn't call.
He definitely doesn't tell you how he feels.
And the intimacy is becoming a problem.
You think about these problems and you finally confront him about them. And when he doesn't change- you decide that enough is enough.
On the day of the breakup, you can't help but be sad though. You can't help but wonder "what if things changed?" What if he was planning to be more open?
You know that in a few years when he’s matured, that these problems would go away. He wouldn’t be afraid of something serious. He wouldn’t have a hard time opening up. And he definitely would know how to use his phone by then.
It makes you question your choice. You remember all of the good times, and you think about all of the times that he made you feel like the only girl in the world.
And sure, those times were great. But were their enough of them to make you forget all of the things that went wrong? All of those times that you wished he’d show you attention, make you feel worthy, and TEXT YOU BACK?
When I hear “Closing Time” by SemiSonic I always think about the lyrics “Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end.” Those lyrics give me hope right now. Sure, this is another ending to something great. But, their will be another beginning soon enough.
I sure have.
Those might be the hardest relationships to end. Sure, you have chemistry. He always makes you laugh. And something about him gives you butterflies.
But that being said- something inside you is telling you you need to leave.
He doesn't call.
He definitely doesn't tell you how he feels.
And the intimacy is becoming a problem.
You think about these problems and you finally confront him about them. And when he doesn't change- you decide that enough is enough.
On the day of the breakup, you can't help but be sad though. You can't help but wonder "what if things changed?" What if he was planning to be more open?
You know that in a few years when he’s matured, that these problems would go away. He wouldn’t be afraid of something serious. He wouldn’t have a hard time opening up. And he definitely would know how to use his phone by then.
It makes you question your choice. You remember all of the good times, and you think about all of the times that he made you feel like the only girl in the world.
And sure, those times were great. But were their enough of them to make you forget all of the things that went wrong? All of those times that you wished he’d show you attention, make you feel worthy, and TEXT YOU BACK?
When I hear “Closing Time” by SemiSonic I always think about the lyrics “Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end.” Those lyrics give me hope right now. Sure, this is another ending to something great. But, their will be another beginning soon enough.
August 27, 2015
"No One Can Make You Feel Inferior Without Your Consent."
A few days ago, someone asked me a question.
"Why do you have to write books that are so sexual?" she asked.
When I first heard it, I didn't think anything of it. I just laughed it off, saying that anyone of that age would think that way. But, later on- I started to think about that question that was asked of me.
And I realized that things would be much easier if I was writing a book suitable for all audiences. I wouldn't have to explain my reason for writing the book, I wouldn't have to constantly answer the question, "you weren't sexually assaulted were you?" and I definitely wouldn't have to warn anyone over 80 that it's "risque."
As my release date approaches, I find myself more worried than ever. I have been waking up in the middle of the night, wondering, will people love Stacey (the main character) the way that I do? Or will they judge her?
Let's be honest- Stacey is promiscuous. But that being said she is also REAL.
I wrote Barren at a time in my life where I felt like I couldn't speak up. Barren challenges that feeling- it speaks (almost screams) about the tough topics.
That's what I originally loved about the book. But now, as I imagine friends who once saw me as innocent reading my words- something inside me feels anxious about that aspect of the book.
At work this week I was reminded of one of my favorite quotes. This quote is Eleanor Roosevelt's. She said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
As I slave over my final proofreads and I get excited for my release- I remind myself of that quote. I remind myself that maybe, just maybe, the majority of people will fall for Stacey's character. And I also remind myself that a few of them probably will not. Some people will be outraged over her sexual decisions, etc. But that being said, does one person's negative opinion matter? Does that sway my reasons for writing the novel? Does that challenge my feelings toward the book?
The answer is ... of course not.
I love my novel, Barren; I adore Stacey Lorenzo. I love how raw it is, and I love that it's hard-hitting and talks about issues that are usually swept under the rug.
And that opinion, mine, will forever be the only one that matters.
"Why do you have to write books that are so sexual?" she asked.
When I first heard it, I didn't think anything of it. I just laughed it off, saying that anyone of that age would think that way. But, later on- I started to think about that question that was asked of me.
And I realized that things would be much easier if I was writing a book suitable for all audiences. I wouldn't have to explain my reason for writing the book, I wouldn't have to constantly answer the question, "you weren't sexually assaulted were you?" and I definitely wouldn't have to warn anyone over 80 that it's "risque."
As my release date approaches, I find myself more worried than ever. I have been waking up in the middle of the night, wondering, will people love Stacey (the main character) the way that I do? Or will they judge her?
Let's be honest- Stacey is promiscuous. But that being said she is also REAL.
I wrote Barren at a time in my life where I felt like I couldn't speak up. Barren challenges that feeling- it speaks (almost screams) about the tough topics.
That's what I originally loved about the book. But now, as I imagine friends who once saw me as innocent reading my words- something inside me feels anxious about that aspect of the book.
At work this week I was reminded of one of my favorite quotes. This quote is Eleanor Roosevelt's. She said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
As I slave over my final proofreads and I get excited for my release- I remind myself of that quote. I remind myself that maybe, just maybe, the majority of people will fall for Stacey's character. And I also remind myself that a few of them probably will not. Some people will be outraged over her sexual decisions, etc. But that being said, does one person's negative opinion matter? Does that sway my reasons for writing the novel? Does that challenge my feelings toward the book?
The answer is ... of course not.
I love my novel, Barren; I adore Stacey Lorenzo. I love how raw it is, and I love that it's hard-hitting and talks about issues that are usually swept under the rug.
And that opinion, mine, will forever be the only one that matters.
July 19, 2015
Excuses, Excuses
As many of you already know, I am a busy lady. I'm always writing, editing, rehearsing for a gig with my band, working or studying. When all of those things are done- I try to find 3 or 4 days a week to work out. And when I'm not doing that, I'm at the movies or getting ice-cream with the girls.
I love my life, but it can get exhausting. Unlike most people I know- watching a movie isn't just watching a movie. I always have out my laptop and am writing, editing or reading one of my pieces. To my dismay, it never ends.
I know that you guys are doing similar things- just doing what you can to get ahead. You take classes, work 2 jobs to pay your car bill, and even make time for your boyfriend. Work, rinse, repeat.
So, when I hear something along the lines of "I'm busy" from a blithering douchebag when I haven't heard from him for 6 days... My bullshit meter runs sky high.
As I've said before, I have a low tolerance for bullshit.
And when a guy tells me he didn't find time for me FOR SIX DAYS- I start to think about all of the times I didn't have the time to answer his calls, go to his house when he needed me, and send a quick text to reply to him but DID ANYWAY.
Yes, people do that. They respond to texts so the other person doesn't think they died or something.
People even do such things when they are BUSY!
They respond, they go out of their way, and they act like decent human beings. Busy people don't look at calling someone as a job. It's not work. It's something that you WANT to happen. You want to speak to that person, check in, see how they are.
Yep. I'm not dreaming this. This is actually how relationships work.
When I think about what I want in a relationship and the kind of person I picture myself with- it's not someone who doesn't know how to charge their phone and reply. It's someone who texts ME FIRST and actually starts conversations about things that matter.
This is not a conversation:
(Man): Yo, wanna meet up Thursday?
(Woman): Yes. Sounds great. How are you doing today?
... *crickets* ...
....
....
....Still no response....
....
....
Until Thursday when he'll say:
(Man): Hey bae, been busy. still on for tonight? Chill at my place?
Now, when I get this text, I honestly want to vomit. (Bae? ... Really?! Really now!? Stop THAT.) You're busy? You're really going to use that excuse? As if I haven't been?!
This is the response I want to type:
(Woman): Tell me something. What exactly have you been doing? Smoking a bowl for a week? Taking a year long shit? Working your 4 hour shift at McDonalds? Sleeping, eating, and not showering? You haven't been busy enough to not speak with me for a fucking WEEK. And no, until you clean your room- I do not want to chill at your place. I might get meningitis.
What he doesn't know is during the week that he didn't call, text, or even send a fucking snapchat-
I have:
1. Worked (2 jobs)
2. Went to a billion doctors (damn you allergies)
3. Finished 10 chapters of my untitled novel
4. Got halfway through editing my sequel
5. Sent over sample synopsises, chapters, and books to an agent
6. Started writing a new book
7. Saw my friends a number of times
8. And somehow (HOW?!) got to the gym.
In all of those things that I'd done this week: NONE of them include me dropping off the face of the Earth. I responded to text messages. LIKE A NORMAL PERSON IN 2015!!! I answered phone calls. LIKE A NORMAL PERSON IN 2015!! And more over, I actually made time for the people that matter.
So, that leads me to a conclusion: clearly I don't matter to him. And I should matter. I should be everything he thinks about.
That's what we are taught to believe. If a man cares, he'll call. But, we are also told things such as "he's just a bad texter" and "he'll grow up eventually." Why are women bombarded with the idea that we're allowed to be strung along by men who make no time for us?
We shouldn't be.
So, the next time he drops off the face of the Earth and then sends a bizarre text- Respond with what you actually want to say.
Yeah, he'll think you're crazy.
But who the hell cares.
Yep.
I said it.
WHO THE HELL CARES.
I love my life, but it can get exhausting. Unlike most people I know- watching a movie isn't just watching a movie. I always have out my laptop and am writing, editing or reading one of my pieces. To my dismay, it never ends.
I know that you guys are doing similar things- just doing what you can to get ahead. You take classes, work 2 jobs to pay your car bill, and even make time for your boyfriend. Work, rinse, repeat.
So, when I hear something along the lines of "I'm busy" from a blithering douchebag when I haven't heard from him for 6 days... My bullshit meter runs sky high.
As I've said before, I have a low tolerance for bullshit.
And when a guy tells me he didn't find time for me FOR SIX DAYS- I start to think about all of the times I didn't have the time to answer his calls, go to his house when he needed me, and send a quick text to reply to him but DID ANYWAY.
Yes, people do that. They respond to texts so the other person doesn't think they died or something.
People even do such things when they are BUSY!
They respond, they go out of their way, and they act like decent human beings. Busy people don't look at calling someone as a job. It's not work. It's something that you WANT to happen. You want to speak to that person, check in, see how they are.
Yep. I'm not dreaming this. This is actually how relationships work.
When I think about what I want in a relationship and the kind of person I picture myself with- it's not someone who doesn't know how to charge their phone and reply. It's someone who texts ME FIRST and actually starts conversations about things that matter.
This is not a conversation:
(Man): Yo, wanna meet up Thursday?
(Woman): Yes. Sounds great. How are you doing today?
... *crickets* ...
....
....
....Still no response....
....
....
Until Thursday when he'll say:
(Man): Hey bae, been busy. still on for tonight? Chill at my place?
Now, when I get this text, I honestly want to vomit. (Bae? ... Really?! Really now!? Stop THAT.) You're busy? You're really going to use that excuse? As if I haven't been?!
This is the response I want to type:
(Woman): Tell me something. What exactly have you been doing? Smoking a bowl for a week? Taking a year long shit? Working your 4 hour shift at McDonalds? Sleeping, eating, and not showering? You haven't been busy enough to not speak with me for a fucking WEEK. And no, until you clean your room- I do not want to chill at your place. I might get meningitis.
What he doesn't know is during the week that he didn't call, text, or even send a fucking snapchat-
I have:
1. Worked (2 jobs)
2. Went to a billion doctors (damn you allergies)
3. Finished 10 chapters of my untitled novel
4. Got halfway through editing my sequel
5. Sent over sample synopsises, chapters, and books to an agent
6. Started writing a new book
7. Saw my friends a number of times
8. And somehow (HOW?!) got to the gym.
In all of those things that I'd done this week: NONE of them include me dropping off the face of the Earth. I responded to text messages. LIKE A NORMAL PERSON IN 2015!!! I answered phone calls. LIKE A NORMAL PERSON IN 2015!! And more over, I actually made time for the people that matter.
So, that leads me to a conclusion: clearly I don't matter to him. And I should matter. I should be everything he thinks about.
That's what we are taught to believe. If a man cares, he'll call. But, we are also told things such as "he's just a bad texter" and "he'll grow up eventually." Why are women bombarded with the idea that we're allowed to be strung along by men who make no time for us?
We shouldn't be.
So, the next time he drops off the face of the Earth and then sends a bizarre text- Respond with what you actually want to say.
Yeah, he'll think you're crazy.
But who the hell cares.
Yep.
I said it.
WHO THE HELL CARES.
July 7, 2015
Breakups, Insults and Closure
In the beginning of a relationship when we need reassurance from our partner, we ask questions. Questions that make us come off a little insecure. For example, we ask, “why do you like me?,” “what are you attracted to about me?” and of course, “do you mind if we wait?” We ask these questions in the hopes that the person we’re dating will tell us what we need to hear: “I really like you because you’re (examples), you’re gorgeous, and the sex is the least important aspect of this relationship.”
Why do we feel the need to ask these questions?
Because at the end of our last relationship- our confidence was crushed. We were told by our last boy or girl the absolute opposite of what we wanted to hear. “I don’t like you because you’re (example), I’m not attracted to you, and the sex was the only reason I was with you.”
Those statements HURT. And it makes going into the next relationship that much more nerve-wracking.
I sat down a couple nights ago, after a friend’s very rough breakup, and starting to think about the things that women are told when they’re broken up with. Those insults that keep you up at night wondering- am I really like that?
I started to think about the things my girlfriends and I have been called. (Of course one of the toppers was "you're crazy" because apparently the male race thinks women often are.) I started to write them down and realized that there was no reason for me to stay up at night because of them.
Now, I have been called many things during breakups- because (let’s be real) I’ve gone through a lot of them. And the reality is, they never get any easier. These three statements were by far my least favorite.
Top Three Crappiest Insults:
3. You’re high maintenance.
First of all, I want to explain this situation a little bit. This guy refused to call me more than once a week, thought a date was chilling in his bonus room and never EVER EVER (EVERRRRRRR) texted me back. He was fabulous when we were in each others' company but he would drop off the face of the earth when we weren’t together.
When he bailed on plans AGAIN after I had already curled my hair AND shaved my legs, and freaked out (swearing, etc.) when I confronted him about it- I decided enough was enough. I broke up with him. And when I did so, he proceeded to say that it was a good idea to break up because I was high maintenance.
Just to clarify: If expecting a man to call every few days, respond to my texts, and act as though he actually gives a shit is high maintenance- then he is absolutely right! I am high maintenance.
2. You’re way too emotional for me.
Now, this insult definitely stings a bit. I’ll be straight with you- I’m definitely a crier. I cry at sappy love stories, I cry when I’m angry, and of course when I’m scared. But, what he doesn’t know (and never will) is that emotional girls are more sensitive to your feelings and focused on your well-being. The reality is that being emotional is something I can never change but I don't want to! And who is he to say that that’s a negative thing? I actually think it’s refreshing.
I’m not fake. I’m upfront. My emotions are right on my sleeve (and sometimes running down my cheeks LOL).
1.You’re making this way too challenging. If you had wanted a casual relationship (AKA just sex), I would have stayed. But, you are not worth waiting around for.
Alright ladies, I know that you have all heard this one. This is very typical now-a-days in our "Tinder Generation." Men, between the ages of 18-24, seem to be looking for one thing and one thing only. And the reality is they’re not willing to take you on romantic dates, and win your affections. They expect you to immediately sleep with them as if there is no emotion involved whatsoever.
On the other side of things, one of my friends had a guy say to her that she was a slut when they broke up because she slept with him too quickly (after 8 dates).
You can’t really win in this situation. Women are either prudes or sluts, apparently. We all have to be shoved into boxes. Boxes that men would never be shoved in in the first place.
While writing this all down I’ve definitely realized just how ridiculous these insults and statements are. These statements were only said to me because I was breaking up with them. They were upset and didn't know how to handle the situation properly.
It's hard to look back on a relationship that started out so promising with a guy who had all the right answers and realize that he is just like the rest of them. But, for some reason- when I start to think about those first few dates, the first kiss, and maybe even the first time we said "I love you", it does soften the blow.
Yes, the breakup was awful. He said some horrible things. But, at one time, we had something real. And that two months of pure bliss is well worth the weekend of tears and icecream.
Why do we feel the need to ask these questions?
Because at the end of our last relationship- our confidence was crushed. We were told by our last boy or girl the absolute opposite of what we wanted to hear. “I don’t like you because you’re (example), I’m not attracted to you, and the sex was the only reason I was with you.”
Those statements HURT. And it makes going into the next relationship that much more nerve-wracking.
I sat down a couple nights ago, after a friend’s very rough breakup, and starting to think about the things that women are told when they’re broken up with. Those insults that keep you up at night wondering- am I really like that?
I started to think about the things my girlfriends and I have been called. (Of course one of the toppers was "you're crazy" because apparently the male race thinks women often are.) I started to write them down and realized that there was no reason for me to stay up at night because of them.
Now, I have been called many things during breakups- because (let’s be real) I’ve gone through a lot of them. And the reality is, they never get any easier. These three statements were by far my least favorite.
Top Three Crappiest Insults:
3. You’re high maintenance.
First of all, I want to explain this situation a little bit. This guy refused to call me more than once a week, thought a date was chilling in his bonus room and never EVER EVER (EVERRRRRRR) texted me back. He was fabulous when we were in each others' company but he would drop off the face of the earth when we weren’t together.
When he bailed on plans AGAIN after I had already curled my hair AND shaved my legs, and freaked out (swearing, etc.) when I confronted him about it- I decided enough was enough. I broke up with him. And when I did so, he proceeded to say that it was a good idea to break up because I was high maintenance.
Just to clarify: If expecting a man to call every few days, respond to my texts, and act as though he actually gives a shit is high maintenance- then he is absolutely right! I am high maintenance.
2. You’re way too emotional for me.
Now, this insult definitely stings a bit. I’ll be straight with you- I’m definitely a crier. I cry at sappy love stories, I cry when I’m angry, and of course when I’m scared. But, what he doesn’t know (and never will) is that emotional girls are more sensitive to your feelings and focused on your well-being. The reality is that being emotional is something I can never change but I don't want to! And who is he to say that that’s a negative thing? I actually think it’s refreshing.
I’m not fake. I’m upfront. My emotions are right on my sleeve (and sometimes running down my cheeks LOL).
1.You’re making this way too challenging. If you had wanted a casual relationship (AKA just sex), I would have stayed. But, you are not worth waiting around for.
Alright ladies, I know that you have all heard this one. This is very typical now-a-days in our "Tinder Generation." Men, between the ages of 18-24, seem to be looking for one thing and one thing only. And the reality is they’re not willing to take you on romantic dates, and win your affections. They expect you to immediately sleep with them as if there is no emotion involved whatsoever.
On the other side of things, one of my friends had a guy say to her that she was a slut when they broke up because she slept with him too quickly (after 8 dates).
You can’t really win in this situation. Women are either prudes or sluts, apparently. We all have to be shoved into boxes. Boxes that men would never be shoved in in the first place.
While writing this all down I’ve definitely realized just how ridiculous these insults and statements are. These statements were only said to me because I was breaking up with them. They were upset and didn't know how to handle the situation properly.
It's hard to look back on a relationship that started out so promising with a guy who had all the right answers and realize that he is just like the rest of them. But, for some reason- when I start to think about those first few dates, the first kiss, and maybe even the first time we said "I love you", it does soften the blow.
Yes, the breakup was awful. He said some horrible things. But, at one time, we had something real. And that two months of pure bliss is well worth the weekend of tears and icecream.
June 27, 2015
(Double) Standards
Have you ever cared about someone so much that you would do just about anything for them?
When they call, you answer. When they text you, you respond. When they have a problem, you drop everything to make sure that they're okay.
Those same people, that expect things like that from you- always seem to be the kind of people that don't give you the same type of treatment.
This is a problem for me with friends and relationships.
Some of my friends expect me to do all the work. I'm the person that calls, sets up plans, and makes sure that they're okay when something is wrong. For the first time in a long time, I decided that I wasn't going to let that go on anymore. I would see very quickly who my true friends were if I stopped calling and I left them to do the work and reach out to me.
If I've decided to do this with friendships and it's worked, why is it so challenging for me to uphold the same standards for relationships?
Why is it that no matter how many times a guy bails on plans, doesn't call for days and treats me poorly- I keep crawling back? Do I have lower standards for men? Do I expect guys to screw up? And if so, why the hell are my standards so low?
I thought about it for a while and realized that I am not the only girl in my group of friends that acts that way. They expect greatness from their friends and have their whole lives perfectly planned, but seem to look the other way when the guys their with act ridiculously.
Why is that?
Because women expect "boys to be boys." We lower our standards for the male population because of the amount of bad dates, horrible breakups and sleepless nights. We lower our standards to protect ourselves.
So, I'm finally putting my foot down and urging all of my girlfriends and ladies who are reading this to expect more. Why? Because you deserve more. If people are going to use the statement "boys will be boys" I will start saying "girls will be girls." Us girls will not sit by the phone waiting for men to call. We will not jump at the chance to date a guy who will never treat us well. And moreover, we will not accept anything less than perfect.
If he doesn't call for days and then expects you to hang out- say no.
If he says something stupid- LEAVE.
If he doesn't want the same things that you do- put your foot down.
Don't settle.
Expect more.
When they call, you answer. When they text you, you respond. When they have a problem, you drop everything to make sure that they're okay.
Those same people, that expect things like that from you- always seem to be the kind of people that don't give you the same type of treatment.
This is a problem for me with friends and relationships.
Some of my friends expect me to do all the work. I'm the person that calls, sets up plans, and makes sure that they're okay when something is wrong. For the first time in a long time, I decided that I wasn't going to let that go on anymore. I would see very quickly who my true friends were if I stopped calling and I left them to do the work and reach out to me.
If I've decided to do this with friendships and it's worked, why is it so challenging for me to uphold the same standards for relationships?
Why is it that no matter how many times a guy bails on plans, doesn't call for days and treats me poorly- I keep crawling back? Do I have lower standards for men? Do I expect guys to screw up? And if so, why the hell are my standards so low?
I thought about it for a while and realized that I am not the only girl in my group of friends that acts that way. They expect greatness from their friends and have their whole lives perfectly planned, but seem to look the other way when the guys their with act ridiculously.
Why is that?
Because women expect "boys to be boys." We lower our standards for the male population because of the amount of bad dates, horrible breakups and sleepless nights. We lower our standards to protect ourselves.
So, I'm finally putting my foot down and urging all of my girlfriends and ladies who are reading this to expect more. Why? Because you deserve more. If people are going to use the statement "boys will be boys" I will start saying "girls will be girls." Us girls will not sit by the phone waiting for men to call. We will not jump at the chance to date a guy who will never treat us well. And moreover, we will not accept anything less than perfect.
If he doesn't call for days and then expects you to hang out- say no.
If he says something stupid- LEAVE.
If he doesn't want the same things that you do- put your foot down.
Don't settle.
Expect more.
June 19, 2015
Dates with Exboyfriends, Tinder, and Other Shenanigans
The past few weeks have been interesting to say the least. With the news of my sequel getting published being the craziest (and most exciting) thing in the mix, my dating life is definitely a close second. Third, I have my sisters engagement party.
Obviously, my sister is getting married. And I am the Maid of Honor. I am so excited about this and absolutely overjoyed for the exciting things coming our way. But, it DEFINITELY makes me realize just how single I am. And, being that my sisters soon to be husband is quite an amazing guy, it definitely makes me realize what I do and don't deserve.
It turns out most of the guys on Tinder are NOT what I don't deserve. How do I know this? Because I've been on A BILLION Tinder dates. I've met up with winners to say the least. One of the guys was in a relationship THE WHOLE TIME we talked (like 3 weeks), several of the guys didn't pay for the whole bill at dinner and the rest of them were just looking to get laid.
That being said, there were some nice guys. It just didn't work out.
When things seem to not work out for a while, I find myself reverting back to old habits (AKA boyfriends). I can't help it. I start to remember why I was with them and how much I miss the good times.
Of course, I never remember the reasons why we broke up. Most of the time, I go into the situation thinking that it'll go well and leave really upset. But sometimes (RARELY) it surprisingly goes well. I leave feeling exciting, missing them, and all of my old feelings seem to creep back. Being that I am Ms. Sensitivity, sometimes when things go well with an ex it screws with me more than if it went badly. Why? Because then I care. And I'm desperately trying to keep my guard up unless I know that I'm going to be caught.
As of right now, I'm not sure what's going to happen with the guys in my life. But, sometimes the chase and the unknown is a little fun. Because maybe, just maybe, things will turn around and the guys from tinder, an ex, or maybe even someone I meet at a party will be the guy that makes me as happy as my sister's fiance makes my sister.
Obviously, my sister is getting married. And I am the Maid of Honor. I am so excited about this and absolutely overjoyed for the exciting things coming our way. But, it DEFINITELY makes me realize just how single I am. And, being that my sisters soon to be husband is quite an amazing guy, it definitely makes me realize what I do and don't deserve.
It turns out most of the guys on Tinder are NOT what I don't deserve. How do I know this? Because I've been on A BILLION Tinder dates. I've met up with winners to say the least. One of the guys was in a relationship THE WHOLE TIME we talked (like 3 weeks), several of the guys didn't pay for the whole bill at dinner and the rest of them were just looking to get laid.
That being said, there were some nice guys. It just didn't work out.
When things seem to not work out for a while, I find myself reverting back to old habits (AKA boyfriends). I can't help it. I start to remember why I was with them and how much I miss the good times.
Of course, I never remember the reasons why we broke up. Most of the time, I go into the situation thinking that it'll go well and leave really upset. But sometimes (RARELY) it surprisingly goes well. I leave feeling exciting, missing them, and all of my old feelings seem to creep back. Being that I am Ms. Sensitivity, sometimes when things go well with an ex it screws with me more than if it went badly. Why? Because then I care. And I'm desperately trying to keep my guard up unless I know that I'm going to be caught.
As of right now, I'm not sure what's going to happen with the guys in my life. But, sometimes the chase and the unknown is a little fun. Because maybe, just maybe, things will turn around and the guys from tinder, an ex, or maybe even someone I meet at a party will be the guy that makes me as happy as my sister's fiance makes my sister.
