Juliet Cook's Blog, page 157

Marabou Deaths Head

I've been feeling low energy lately and that bothers me on several levels. I've always been a high energy, productive, passionate person, so feeling low energy is not my style and it worries me.

I've been frequently overly tired and am starting to think what if I have cancer or something (granted, I can sometimes be some sort of...what's the word? not "nymphomaniac" which suddenly semi-randomly spurted out of my head; not "kleptomaniac" either; probably not maniacal anything, but the word for people with a tendency to exaggerate possible health issues they might have; I don't do that all the time, BUT if I am more frequently than usual experiencing some symptom of physical discomfort, then that also seems to lead to more mental discomfort for me too).

So lately I've been thinking, "What if I have cancer?" and "What if I'm pregnant?" and then realizing that I can't even remember the last time I've been to the doctor for a regular physical not to mention a gynecological exam (and why did the word "kleptomaniac" spurt forth again, before my brain got "gynecological"?;) I can hardly remember time/timing at all, but I do know that in more recent year(s), I had so many non-regular hospital/doctor appointments, that the regular visits stopped AND my health insurance changed AND my location changed and I've never been to a doctor in my current locale, so…

My over-tiredness made me think of cancer, because I remember my ex-husband telling me about how his first wife (who suddenly died young of cancer) had early symptoms of losing her energy and feeling overly tired. My pregnancy concern is because my stomach seems to be sticking out a little more than usual and feeling a bit oddly uncomfortable too. Is it my stomach or my cervix? I am not entirely sure. Do I need gynecological testing? Who wants to give it to me? (Just kidding and teasing my own sudden frequent infiltration of the "nymphomaniac" word.)

Speaking of teasing and words, this morning I thought about how yesterday my dad was jokingly making fun of someone because he drove past their garage sale sign and they had spelled the word "sale" wrong; they had spelled it "sail'. Even though I didn't say anything about this out loud, I IMMEDIATELY thought something like, "Well what if the person who wrote that sign had a stroke and that's why there spelling is off?" I used to be an excellent speller, but now I have trouble spelling easy little words; for example, the word of that thing you take flight upon at an airline - is it spelled "plane" or "plain"? I think it's "plane" but I'm not sure; I'm never sure. In fact, editing this very blog-style piece of writing, mainly due to spelling reasons, is literally giving me a headache right now. Oftentimes when I am unsure how to spell an easy word, I just switch to a different word (often a bigger word, oddly enough), so at least I have that capability.

Back to my possible new health issues, maybe I have just not been sleeping very well. Maybe I have often been staying up too late and ought to work harder on adhering to a more consistent sleep schedule. In any case, I sure did not stay up too late last night for cripes sake.

I was at my sister's place for several hours yesterday evening (with family members, dinner etc...) and got back to my place a little after 7:00. My other sister and her family checked out my new place for a little bit and then left. I played with Sockeye for a little bit. By the time it was only a little after 8:00, I was feeling really tired. This is nothing new these days. However, despite feeling tired, I usually stay up and work on things until about 2:00 A.M. (sometimes even later), in part because getting things done takes me longer than it used to. So last night I told myself I'd have a cup of coffee and then start working on Margaret's chapbook for a while. I started drinking that cup of coffee and after just a few sips, I felt so tired that I told myself I would lie down for half an hour or so and then get into my swing of things. I'm not usually a nap taker at all, so this was already unusual for me. I took another sip of coffee and then placed my coffee next to my bed and laid down.

It wasn't even 9:00 yet when I laid down, but I ended up laying down and resting until after 11:00, STILL felt really tired after that, and so decided that instead of getting up at midnight and then maybe staying up way too late, I was just going to bed for the night. So I did. I meant to bed at 9:00 for fuck sake.

Since I went to bed at 9:00, I was not about to sleep in as late as I usually do, so I got up at about 5:30 in the morning. It was actually quite interesting to get up much earlier than usual (even though I STILL felt tired) because when I first took Sockeye out for a walk, I loved the cool almost autumnal way it felt outside.

While walking Sockeye, I saw this other little disabled creature (I can't think of its name; it's a creature that is very similar in size and shape to a mouse, but has a different kind of mouth). Unlike some people, I like mice and mousy critters. This critter was alive but lying on its back, moving around as if it couldn't get upright on its stomach. I carefully used my leg to shift it upright, but then found out that something was seriously wrong with it, because it swiftly shifted onto its back again; then I realized that it was uncomfortably twitching rather than simply stuck in an unusual position. I made a second attempt to position it upright, but no luck. The creature continued to twitch and I felt strangely sad.

A few minutes later, I took Sockeye back into our home, but then went back outside with my camera and took a few pictures of the twitching creature (only a few, thinking that if someone happened to see me doing so, that might seem rather perverted, or worse yet what if they thought I had smashed the creature and now was taking perverse photos; this is the way my weird mind works sometimes). Interestingly enough, less than a month ago, I took a substantial amount of photos of a dead baby mouse (as did my artsy photographer friend K. who was visiting me for a few days, thus I am not the only one who enjoys unusual photos), but that creature was dead not twitching and about to die.

Less than half an hour later, when I walked back out to look again, it was gone. Perhaps a bird seized it up.

As for me, despite having now been up for more than five hours (whereas I would usually just be getting up at this hour), I have not gotten much accomplished yet today, I am STILL feeling tired, and my head hurts.



P.S. Mole. (Pasta.)

Designer V's inside Burning Grapes

Read three of my Designer Vaginas in The Burning Grape:

http://theburninggrape.blogspot.com/2011/05/works.html

Then scroll down and partake if you would like more.

Thirteen Designer Vaginas (Snip Pivot)

NEW!

A few signed copies of my Thirteen Designer Vaginas are now available in my own etsy shop too!

http://www.etsy.com/shop/BloodPuddingPress?ref=pr_shop_more

Find out more about this new poetry chapbook via my post below.

Thirteen Designer Vaginas (a meatier variety)

Another wonderous new small press called Hyacinth Girl Press has now published there very first poetry chapbook - and that chapbook is my own Thirteen Designer Vaginas!

It was the browsing of vaginal rejuvenation sites that inspired me to start writing my designer vagina poems. I got grossed out by the photos and medical notations and wondered what the heck I was looking for and then realized that I was conducting "poetry research"!

Don't you want to delve into some scrumdilicious pussy poems?

Snip snip pivot! Vaginatical! Va Va Voom!

Read a sneak peak snippet below; partake of a cover image; and then purchase your own new vaginas via another bit of linkage underneath!

My pink scalloped lips part, a meatier variety
of snapdragon. A strange but effective treatment
is meat tenderizer. Then I'm so deliciously numb,
it's like tying phantom limbs to four horses & performing
surgery, as an audience applauds those delicately trembling lobes.



Get one here:http://www.etsy.com/listing/76985283/thirteen-designer-vaginas-by-juliet-cook

Or here: http://hyacinthgirlpress.wordpress.com/

Several copies will soon be available from within my own Blood Pudding Press etsy shop too so stay tuned if interested in that.

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In other fun new poetry news, the new Menacing Hedge is now live! Five of my poems in print AND read out loud AND baby bird photos AND Scary Bush. Yep that's right.

I am all about Designer Vaginas and Scary Bush right now.

Plus meat curtains and cunts.

Click the linkage below!

http://www.menacinghedge.com/

Dark Dreamy Dead Baby Thirteen Myna Birds Update

A strange new Thirteen Myna Birds is now floating pieces of Amanda Silbernagel, Valerie Loveland, Suzanne Grazyna, Jillian Mukavetz, M.P. Powers, Misti Rainwater-Lites, and Steven Gulvezan above a dead baby bird here:

http://13myna.blogspot.com/

wobbling V, cob­web shim­mers, a plan­e­tar­ium blasts apart inside me, a fire ring, bloodletting, a froth of red shock, more ginger for the cramps, siren anguish, bird spiders, skull bones, devil pricks, the stinger in the middle, beautiful black and green sheen

Depressed/Have I Lost My Passion

So I had a sad, depressed day yesterday (and am still feeling upset and unhappy today), but I also know that everyone does - and sometimes I really should work harder on focusing on the positive – but sometimes I cannot seem to figure out how. Sometimes it seems hard for the positive to outweigh some of the negative, sad spells spurting out of my head. I woke up sad yesterday, tried to have a productive day, but by the end of it I was feeling worse, sadder, and uglier – started crying again and posted my sadness on facebook. Today part of me feels like I should delete that post, but that would delete everyone's comments below it and I appreciate those comments and don't wish to get rid of them so…

The night before last I had trouble falling asleep, was lying in bed thinking, started thinking about how I have not been to a concert in a long time, and how the last times I had been to any were with my ex-husband (who is no longer friends with me – and his brother who is no longer friends with me – and another friend of ours who is no longer friends with me). Granted, that is certainly not the end of the world; I can't really afford to be going to concerts these days anyway; but I started thinking about how my ex-husband had good taste in music; we shared some tastes in that regard; we attended lots of fun concerts together, including several Interpol concerts, I put an Interpol song on a wedding cd I made for us, now I have not even listened to Interpol for over a year even though I didn't stop liking them.

We also saw Sonic Youth, Flaming Lips, Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Le Tigre, Rasputina, Neko Case and more (whose names I either can't think of or can't remember off the top of my head). Now I feel like I have nobody to attend concerts with (nobody around here who has similar taste in music; and nowhere in these parts that has concerts other than cover bands) although I could certainly be wrong and anyway, as mentioned above, I can't really afford concerts at this time anyway.

Overall I am happy and lucky and delighted by my new space and fine with being by myself, but every once in a while I feel sad and alone and then sometimes my ugly feelings quick in too.

My asinine ugly feelings about turning into an unappealing middle aged ick-factor who has lost muscle, is suddenly getting white hairs galore, and is back to getting zits (stress, hormones, or am I just a teenage elder)? Unpopular, sometime borderline antisocial, and sometime pissed off at myself because of that stuff.

It bothers me that I don't know how to feel about love anymore (even though part of me still craves love, I don't really trust it) - and those uncertain mixed feelings about love seem to be fusing with my passionate feelings – and so I've gone from someone who felt incredibly passionate about poetry and art and other poetic expressions for many YEARS into someone who is now not sure if that passion is as strong - or if anything about me is strong.

I got upset this past week because I recently agreed to read and respond to another poet's full-length manuscript plus participate in a female poet's interview and both of those things are taking me much longer than they would have used to.

Although I am happy and excited about my new place, I still have lots of unpacking and organizing to do here and have not read or written any new poetry this entire month and that bothers me too.

Anyway a lot more specific things seemed to be spurting out of my head just a short while ago, but I guess I didn't get them written right before they disappeared, so I guess this is my short version.

I am quite happy that I have met some fabulous, wonderful new artsy friends in the last year (especially in Pittsburgh; yay – plus meeting one of my poet friends in Florida just last month; yay), but I still have sad spurts of feeling alone and unloved and unliked and ugly and weak.

I will probably try to deal with this kind of subject matter in the poetry interview I am in the midst of working on.

Father's Day Greeting Card Ideas

Unique Father's Day Greeting Card Messages:

http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/1662135/unique_fathers_day_greeting_card_messages.html?cat=74

Raw Ginger. Poison Apple. Silver Scalpel.

My erotic short story, "Raw Ginger. Poison Apple. Silver Scalpel." is now live on Oysters & Chocolate.

This is an older piece of mine - I don't write much erotica OR stories (mostly poetry), BUT I still like ginger...

BDSM Fetish Erotica - Raw Ginger. Poison Apple. Silver Scalpel. http://www.oystersandchocolate.com/

Another Poet With Aphasia

My third POST-STROKE Aphasia Piece is finally published; yay!

This one is related to poets with Aphasia, including Marie Ponsot, me, & more information too!

Post-Stroke Aphasia Piece Three (Another Poet With Aphasia)

http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/8113301/poststroke_aphasia_piece_three.html?cat=5

New Thirteen Myna Birds (& new coming-soon post-stroke article?)

GOOD! A new bloody, ghostly, volatile installment of Thirteen Myna Birds went live yesterday, with poems by Jillian Mukavetz, Chris Moran, Mather Schneider, M.P. Powers, Letitia Trent, & Wesley Dylan Gray.

Check it out here if so inclined: http://13myna.blogspot.com/

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NOT GOOD! In other news, just in case anyone was wondering why my semi-recent post-stroke articles rather quickly featured links to my Intro, Piece 1, and Piece 2 - but then never linked to my supposedly coming-soon Piece 3 - well, I finished writing that Piece 3 about a month ago - but for some reason, I suddenly stopped being able to get onto my own Associated Content Site (where I post those sorts of articles) - even though I've been a member there for more than two years and have written/posted more than 100 articles.

I'm rather annoyed that I suddenly cannot access that site; I've emailed them for help and am hoping to receive that soon.

In the meantime, here are links to my Intro and first two articles again - and if I am unable to add my 3rd article there semi-soon, then perhaps I will just add it to my blog here. Sigh

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The Intro (which offers a few snippets of what to expect from the others):

http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/7973477/intro_to_my_three_new_poststroke_aphasia.html?cat=5

Post-Stroke Aphasia Piece One (Challenging Words & Images):

http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/7973591/poststroke_aphasia_piece_one.html?cat=5

Post-Stroke Aphasia Piece Two (Love Replaced With Doubt & Debt):

http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/7976323/poststroke_aphasia_piece_two.html?cat=70

Post-Stroke Aphasia Piece Three hopefully coming soon!