Juliet Cook's Blog, page 153
December 21, 2011
Happy Solstice! - With New Letters From Room 27 Review, New Pushcart Prize Nomination, & Socks!
A new review of the Blood Pudding Press poetry chapbook, Letters From Room 27 of the Grand Midway Hotel by Margaret Bashaar now appears within Arsenic Lobster; thank you to Susan Yount.
(I was also utterly delighted by this little snip of the review, which calls me a poetic sock connoisseur; hee hee! "The chap is hand sewn by the gifted poet, editor and sock connoisseur, Juliet Cook. This is how you'll know you're reading love letters.")
Read the review here:
http://arseniclobster.magere.com/1review.html
After reading the review, if you would like to partake of the whole collection of the Letters, it can be purchased in its entirety, within my Blood Pudding Press etsy shop here:
http://www.etsy.com/listing/80737587/letters-from-room-27-of-the-grand-midway
Furthermore, in addition to creating this wonderful review, Arsenic Lobster has also nominated me for a Pushcart Prize! Click the link below to find out more about that:
http://arseniclobster.magere.com/1pushcart.html
Razzle dazzle slurptastic happy solstice!
(I was also utterly delighted by this little snip of the review, which calls me a poetic sock connoisseur; hee hee! "The chap is hand sewn by the gifted poet, editor and sock connoisseur, Juliet Cook. This is how you'll know you're reading love letters.")
Read the review here:
http://arseniclobster.magere.com/1review.html
After reading the review, if you would like to partake of the whole collection of the Letters, it can be purchased in its entirety, within my Blood Pudding Press etsy shop here:
http://www.etsy.com/listing/80737587/letters-from-room-27-of-the-grand-midway
Furthermore, in addition to creating this wonderful review, Arsenic Lobster has also nominated me for a Pushcart Prize! Click the link below to find out more about that:
http://arseniclobster.magere.com/1pushcart.html
Razzle dazzle slurptastic happy solstice!
Happy Solstice! - With New Letters From Room 27 Review, New Pushcart Prize Nominee, & Socks!
A new review of the Blood Pudding Press poetry chapbook, Letters From Room 27 of the Grand Midway Hotel by Margaret Bashaar now appears within Arsenic Lobster; thank you to Susan Yount.
(I was also utterly delighted by this little snip of the review, which calls me a poetic sock connoisseur; hee hee! "The chap is hand sewn by the gifted poet, editor and sock connoisseur, Juliet Cook. This is how you'll know you're reading love letters.")
Read the review here:
http://arseniclobster.magere.com/1review.html
After reading the review, if you would like to partake of the whole collection of the Letters, it can be purchased in its entirety, within my Blood Pudding Press etsy shop here:
http://www.etsy.com/listing/80737587/letters-from-room-27-of-the-grand-midway
Furthermore, in addition to creating this wonderful review, Arsenic Lobster has also nominated me for a Pushcart Prize! Click the link below to find out more about that:
http://arseniclobster.magere.com/1pushcart.html
Razzle dazzle slurptastic happy solstice!
(I was also utterly delighted by this little snip of the review, which calls me a poetic sock connoisseur; hee hee! "The chap is hand sewn by the gifted poet, editor and sock connoisseur, Juliet Cook. This is how you'll know you're reading love letters.")
Read the review here:
http://arseniclobster.magere.com/1review.html
After reading the review, if you would like to partake of the whole collection of the Letters, it can be purchased in its entirety, within my Blood Pudding Press etsy shop here:
http://www.etsy.com/listing/80737587/letters-from-room-27-of-the-grand-midway
Furthermore, in addition to creating this wonderful review, Arsenic Lobster has also nominated me for a Pushcart Prize! Click the link below to find out more about that:
http://arseniclobster.magere.com/1pushcart.html
Razzle dazzle slurptastic happy solstice!
December 17, 2011
an infusion of xmas pizazz
Envy-Inducing Stocking Stuffers for the Special Lady in Your Life:
http://voices.yahoo.com/envyinducing-stocking-stuffers-4609725.html?cat=46
*
Five Delightful Nontraditional Xmas Celebration Ideas:
http://voices.yahoo.com/five-delightful-nontraditional-xmas-4668423.html?cat=74
http://voices.yahoo.com/envyinducing-stocking-stuffers-4609725.html?cat=46
*
Five Delightful Nontraditional Xmas Celebration Ideas:
http://voices.yahoo.com/five-delightful-nontraditional-xmas-4668423.html?cat=74
December 11, 2011
Pre-Xmas Jitters and Pre-New Year Nervewracks
December 12, 2011 (edited/revised this again, toned it down a little bit & shortened it, removed some overly worried bits & some stuff related to others)
Maybe Christmas should be a fun/good time, but this year it seems to be exemplifying my obsessive compulsiveness, imperfections, and feeling alone. I've completed my holiday shopping already, but now am feeling worried that maybe nobody will like what I chose for them. I'm in the midst of working on holiday cards and feeling similarly awkward about that too. Who do I send them to?
I love and appreciate my family, but I also have some uncomfortable feelings about family holiday time. It will probably be my mom & dad and their four daughters and me by myself – my sister A. with her husband and three kids and me by myself – my sister J. with her husband and three kids and me by myself – my sister N. with her partner and kid and me by myself. Me by myself, me by myself, me by myself – sitting there quietly and feeling like a worthless anti-social unwanted mess.
Mind you, just because part of me feels uncomfortable spending time with my family when I'm by myself, that doesn't mean I don't like my family. It means I don't feel very comfortable being by myself in a crowd, in which I very well might be the only one who doesn't have my own partner. I know that some people are perfectly fine with that; are quite comfortable about being alone in a crowd - and part of me wishes I was that type of person, but I am not. I much prefer one on one time or very small groups that involve personal conversation. I do not like being by myself in part of a group with nobody talking much to me personally. I feel like I'm just part of a weird ceiling fan or a boring table chair, just sitting there silently, like a piece of furniture without unique or interesting brain waves. Yes I'm still part of the group; but not a very exciting individual part – more like a random blob; a globular mishap.
On a semi-related note, in recent years, I've received a number of comments from my mom suggesting that I spend too much time online – AND in recent months, I've received a number of comments from her suggesting that I've had more social activity than ever in the last couple years of my life. Well I do spend a lot of time on my computer; some of it writing related; not online – although I also do spend more time online than the average person. More social activity in recent years is true also. However, much of that activity has taken place outside of my own state – or having people from other areas temporarily visit my space. I am not complaining about that or saying it is a bad thing; but part of what I AM saying/asking is how does my mom think I've met and gotten to know most of those friends of mine? I've met most of them online.
My mom has suggested I spend too much time online, share too much information online, and take too many risks along those lines – and yes, that is also true to a certain extent – every once in a while, I've made a regrettable mistake, starting to get to know the wrong kind of person. However, I sure don't regret getting to know quite a few wonderful people and poets more personally by reading/writing to each other online.
There's also the question of how else would I get to know people otherwise? I'm not saying I'm going out of my way to meet people online, because I'm definitely not at this point in time – but that is still a valid question. I don't drive plus I live in a smallish town. I quite like and appreciate my personal space and I also like spending a significant amount of time by myself. But if I'm having a sad, lonely feeling spell, during which I might like to get out of my space for a bit and do something different and hang out with someone and socialize, unless I happen to have a friend visiting me from out of town, then who do I have to hang out with? Pretty much the only people I know who live in my neck of the woods are my mom & dad and one of my sisters. I certainly like them, but they have their own lifestyles to deal with. Aside from them, I do not have a single close friend that lives in this area.
Even though I was unpopular in high school, since I'm now back to living in that area it has crossed my mind many times to maybe attend one of the alumni special events that seem to be organized quite a bit; it might or might not be my cup of tea, but at this point I might be willing to give it a try. However, not only would I have to attend by myself; I'd also have to be dropped off and picked up by my mom or dad or sister, which might interfere with their own schedules AND would most likely make me feel rather weird and/or embarrassed.
So back to meeting or not meeting people online, how the heck else could I meet someone in this area? At the grocery store or some other regular public place? I don't think so.
I don't casually chat or socialize well in random large group settings (nor do I desire to do so); I also don't feel very comfortable going places by myself. If there were poetry reading events in this area, that would probably be one sort of situation that I would feel comfortable attending and sitting by myself for; if I could GET there by myself (because I would be sitting and paying attention to someone read/perform/express; rather than sitting alone and awkward in a place where other people are in groups and I'm probably looking anti-social or stuck up or something). Aside from that, maybe I'm failing to think of something that I ought to be able to think of, but I cannot quickly/easily think of any type of setting or event in this area that I could do by myself/easily get to & from by myself/ and interact with some new people I might be interested in and vice versa.
Part of me thinks that my family members probably PREFER me being by myself, because maybe they don't like my taste in partners and various sociable risks I might make; maybe they would like me to feel like I'm BETTER by myself; but how would any of them feel being by themselves at this point in their lives? If someone like my mom tells me she would be fine with that, I don't really believe her – not because I think she's a liar, but because she has been with her partner since they were in high school, so how would she KNOW?
Also, I tend to be better at expressing myself in writing as opposed to in person, which is another significant reason why I really like communicating with people online to get to know them better and find out how we vibe; how we might connect with each other or not. Does that have some possible risk factors? Yes but a lot of things do. Besides, does anyone in my family really want to read any of my longer writings, whether they are poetic, artsy, neurotic, or rather negative like this piece? Probably not. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with my family members because of that; what I'm saying is I desire someone to hear/read/be interested in and/or relate to my over-the-top expressions – so I will write and write and write and hope that someone is. Heck, even when I was a married woman, I talked to a lot of friends online then too. I wasn't making in-person plans with other people at that time, since I had a partner - but since my partner was not into poetry, I got into doing most of my poetry stuff online.
About poetry activity, I am quite happy that I've actually been able to attend and participate in quite a few poetry readings (and related creative events) in recent years - but none of those events took place in this neck of the woods plus I don't have any family members/friends here who would be very interested in attending one with me – so unless I am out of town or have a friend visiting me from out of town, pretty much all of my poetry connections and interactions are still going to take place online.
Not that this is anyone's fault (except for my own) or that I am upset at anyone (except for myself) about this next tidbit, but I did feel rather upset that a close friend of mine had a poetry reading this past Friday evening and I couldn't attend. He attended my last poetry reading in Pittsburgh in October, which was about two hours away from him. His reading Friday night was about two hours away from me, but I can't drive and don't have any poetry friends in my area, so... I'm not making a huge deal out of that, but it certainly did cross my mind and make me feel badly.
On the plus side, the day after that, one thing that always makes me feel better is when a literary magazine accepts a few of my poems – and yesterday one of my own poems AND one collaborative piece by him & me were accepted and shall soon be published within Lingerpost. I got quite excited about that yesterday, but then today the negative part of my brain started thinking that I might be more excited about that then he is; that I probably tend to get more excited (AND more upset) about little things than most people do and who really cares and what is the point and blah blah blah. (Still though, at least it significantly improved my mood for a few hours).
Overall, I wish I felt more confident about myself and what was going on in my life, but I don't – and that is another reason I am feeling rather uncomfortable about Christmas – because it's close to the New Year and the New Year makes me even more nervous. I do not crave another year of not knowing what is going on with my life or what I want or what I should focus on. January will equal TWO years since my stroke, one year since my divorce, and at least the second year of not knowing what I want, what I need, who I am, if I am good enough for anyone, or if I am good enough for myself. I feel like I'm NOT good enough. Yes, in the last few years, I've made some significant progress in terms of getting words back (but my reading and writing is STILL much slower than it used to be – and my brain waves are still a weird fusion of weak and over-the-top bizarre froth), but I sure haven't made very significant progress in terms of positivity, self-empowerment or anything like that.
I know I must work harder on re-evaluating and positive-izing myself pretty darn soon here, but at the moment, part of me feels like staying in bed for the rest of December. I am very uncomfortable with Christmas and the upcoming New Year (and having no clue what that new year holds) and not feeling at all confident about who I am or what I have to offer anyone or what I mean to anyone else – or what my life even means to me.
I need to get back to work focusing harder on reading and writing and poetry again - and also start focusing on figuring some more stuff out.
***
I felt significantly better after speaking on the phone with my scrumptious poet man friend last night; he told me that the two of us would spend the beginning of the New Year together in one way or another; I really do think/feel that will make it so much better.
Maybe Christmas should be a fun/good time, but this year it seems to be exemplifying my obsessive compulsiveness, imperfections, and feeling alone. I've completed my holiday shopping already, but now am feeling worried that maybe nobody will like what I chose for them. I'm in the midst of working on holiday cards and feeling similarly awkward about that too. Who do I send them to?
I love and appreciate my family, but I also have some uncomfortable feelings about family holiday time. It will probably be my mom & dad and their four daughters and me by myself – my sister A. with her husband and three kids and me by myself – my sister J. with her husband and three kids and me by myself – my sister N. with her partner and kid and me by myself. Me by myself, me by myself, me by myself – sitting there quietly and feeling like a worthless anti-social unwanted mess.
Mind you, just because part of me feels uncomfortable spending time with my family when I'm by myself, that doesn't mean I don't like my family. It means I don't feel very comfortable being by myself in a crowd, in which I very well might be the only one who doesn't have my own partner. I know that some people are perfectly fine with that; are quite comfortable about being alone in a crowd - and part of me wishes I was that type of person, but I am not. I much prefer one on one time or very small groups that involve personal conversation. I do not like being by myself in part of a group with nobody talking much to me personally. I feel like I'm just part of a weird ceiling fan or a boring table chair, just sitting there silently, like a piece of furniture without unique or interesting brain waves. Yes I'm still part of the group; but not a very exciting individual part – more like a random blob; a globular mishap.
On a semi-related note, in recent years, I've received a number of comments from my mom suggesting that I spend too much time online – AND in recent months, I've received a number of comments from her suggesting that I've had more social activity than ever in the last couple years of my life. Well I do spend a lot of time on my computer; some of it writing related; not online – although I also do spend more time online than the average person. More social activity in recent years is true also. However, much of that activity has taken place outside of my own state – or having people from other areas temporarily visit my space. I am not complaining about that or saying it is a bad thing; but part of what I AM saying/asking is how does my mom think I've met and gotten to know most of those friends of mine? I've met most of them online.
My mom has suggested I spend too much time online, share too much information online, and take too many risks along those lines – and yes, that is also true to a certain extent – every once in a while, I've made a regrettable mistake, starting to get to know the wrong kind of person. However, I sure don't regret getting to know quite a few wonderful people and poets more personally by reading/writing to each other online.
There's also the question of how else would I get to know people otherwise? I'm not saying I'm going out of my way to meet people online, because I'm definitely not at this point in time – but that is still a valid question. I don't drive plus I live in a smallish town. I quite like and appreciate my personal space and I also like spending a significant amount of time by myself. But if I'm having a sad, lonely feeling spell, during which I might like to get out of my space for a bit and do something different and hang out with someone and socialize, unless I happen to have a friend visiting me from out of town, then who do I have to hang out with? Pretty much the only people I know who live in my neck of the woods are my mom & dad and one of my sisters. I certainly like them, but they have their own lifestyles to deal with. Aside from them, I do not have a single close friend that lives in this area.
Even though I was unpopular in high school, since I'm now back to living in that area it has crossed my mind many times to maybe attend one of the alumni special events that seem to be organized quite a bit; it might or might not be my cup of tea, but at this point I might be willing to give it a try. However, not only would I have to attend by myself; I'd also have to be dropped off and picked up by my mom or dad or sister, which might interfere with their own schedules AND would most likely make me feel rather weird and/or embarrassed.
So back to meeting or not meeting people online, how the heck else could I meet someone in this area? At the grocery store or some other regular public place? I don't think so.
I don't casually chat or socialize well in random large group settings (nor do I desire to do so); I also don't feel very comfortable going places by myself. If there were poetry reading events in this area, that would probably be one sort of situation that I would feel comfortable attending and sitting by myself for; if I could GET there by myself (because I would be sitting and paying attention to someone read/perform/express; rather than sitting alone and awkward in a place where other people are in groups and I'm probably looking anti-social or stuck up or something). Aside from that, maybe I'm failing to think of something that I ought to be able to think of, but I cannot quickly/easily think of any type of setting or event in this area that I could do by myself/easily get to & from by myself/ and interact with some new people I might be interested in and vice versa.
Part of me thinks that my family members probably PREFER me being by myself, because maybe they don't like my taste in partners and various sociable risks I might make; maybe they would like me to feel like I'm BETTER by myself; but how would any of them feel being by themselves at this point in their lives? If someone like my mom tells me she would be fine with that, I don't really believe her – not because I think she's a liar, but because she has been with her partner since they were in high school, so how would she KNOW?
Also, I tend to be better at expressing myself in writing as opposed to in person, which is another significant reason why I really like communicating with people online to get to know them better and find out how we vibe; how we might connect with each other or not. Does that have some possible risk factors? Yes but a lot of things do. Besides, does anyone in my family really want to read any of my longer writings, whether they are poetic, artsy, neurotic, or rather negative like this piece? Probably not. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with my family members because of that; what I'm saying is I desire someone to hear/read/be interested in and/or relate to my over-the-top expressions – so I will write and write and write and hope that someone is. Heck, even when I was a married woman, I talked to a lot of friends online then too. I wasn't making in-person plans with other people at that time, since I had a partner - but since my partner was not into poetry, I got into doing most of my poetry stuff online.
About poetry activity, I am quite happy that I've actually been able to attend and participate in quite a few poetry readings (and related creative events) in recent years - but none of those events took place in this neck of the woods plus I don't have any family members/friends here who would be very interested in attending one with me – so unless I am out of town or have a friend visiting me from out of town, pretty much all of my poetry connections and interactions are still going to take place online.
Not that this is anyone's fault (except for my own) or that I am upset at anyone (except for myself) about this next tidbit, but I did feel rather upset that a close friend of mine had a poetry reading this past Friday evening and I couldn't attend. He attended my last poetry reading in Pittsburgh in October, which was about two hours away from him. His reading Friday night was about two hours away from me, but I can't drive and don't have any poetry friends in my area, so... I'm not making a huge deal out of that, but it certainly did cross my mind and make me feel badly.
On the plus side, the day after that, one thing that always makes me feel better is when a literary magazine accepts a few of my poems – and yesterday one of my own poems AND one collaborative piece by him & me were accepted and shall soon be published within Lingerpost. I got quite excited about that yesterday, but then today the negative part of my brain started thinking that I might be more excited about that then he is; that I probably tend to get more excited (AND more upset) about little things than most people do and who really cares and what is the point and blah blah blah. (Still though, at least it significantly improved my mood for a few hours).
Overall, I wish I felt more confident about myself and what was going on in my life, but I don't – and that is another reason I am feeling rather uncomfortable about Christmas – because it's close to the New Year and the New Year makes me even more nervous. I do not crave another year of not knowing what is going on with my life or what I want or what I should focus on. January will equal TWO years since my stroke, one year since my divorce, and at least the second year of not knowing what I want, what I need, who I am, if I am good enough for anyone, or if I am good enough for myself. I feel like I'm NOT good enough. Yes, in the last few years, I've made some significant progress in terms of getting words back (but my reading and writing is STILL much slower than it used to be – and my brain waves are still a weird fusion of weak and over-the-top bizarre froth), but I sure haven't made very significant progress in terms of positivity, self-empowerment or anything like that.
I know I must work harder on re-evaluating and positive-izing myself pretty darn soon here, but at the moment, part of me feels like staying in bed for the rest of December. I am very uncomfortable with Christmas and the upcoming New Year (and having no clue what that new year holds) and not feeling at all confident about who I am or what I have to offer anyone or what I mean to anyone else – or what my life even means to me.
I need to get back to work focusing harder on reading and writing and poetry again - and also start focusing on figuring some more stuff out.
***
I felt significantly better after speaking on the phone with my scrumptious poet man friend last night; he told me that the two of us would spend the beginning of the New Year together in one way or another; I really do think/feel that will make it so much better.
Pre-Xmas Jitters and Pre-New Year Nervewracks (from a semi-anti-social yet semi-attention-craving freak)
December 10-11, 2011
I'm not sure who I'm writing this too; maybe just to myself; maybe I will send it to a family member and/or a friend and overwhelmingly bombard them with my negativity yet again. Probably I'll just blog it.
Maybe Christmas should be a fun/good time, but this year it seems to be exemplifying my obsessive compulsiveness, imperfections, and feeling alone. I've completed my holiday shopping already (mainly because I have to do most of that online, since I don't drive and don't want to rely upon others to drive me here & there & anywhere I might want to go), but now I am feeling worried that maybe nobody will like what I chose for them. I'm in the midst of working on holiday cards and feeling similarly awkward about that too. Who do I send them to?
(I also need to make it to the post office ASAP since I have five items to be weighed and mailed, one of them an etsy purchase that was made quite a few days ago AND I feel the need to get my hair cut/died soon AND make a vet appointment for my dog soon, but who knows when those things will be able to happen? It crossed my mind yesterday that maybe I should just walk to my hair cutting place by myself, while I still have a chance before it gets too snowy – but even without snow, I am already very uncomfortable with the coldness of wintery weather that I don't even like taking my dog out for long, let alone walking even further than that. On a semi-related note, I feel like if I wasn't an inept idiot then I would have figured out the little bussing system around here by now, so that I didn't have to rely upon family members to take me places, when they have their own time frames and busy schedules to deal with. )
I love and appreciate my family, but I also have some uncomfortable feelings about family holiday time. It will be my mom & dad and their four daughters and me by myself – my sister A. with her husband and three kids and me by myself – my sister J. with her husband and three kids and me by myself – my sister N. (whose last long term relationship seemed to end just a little after mine did, but she already has a new partner) with her partner and kid and me by myself. Me by myself, me by myself, me by myself – sitting there quietly and feeling like a worthless anti-social unwanted mess.
(Mind you, just because part of me feels uncomfortable spending time with my family when I'm by myself, that doesn't mean I don't like my family. It means I don't feel very comfortable being by myself in a crowd, in which I'm the only one who doesn't have my own partner. I know that some people are perfectly fine with that; are quite comfortable about being alone in a crowd - and part of me wishes I was that type of person, but I am not. I much prefer one on one time or very small groups that involve personal conversation. I do not like being by myself in part of a group with nobody talking much to me personally. I feel like I'm just part of a weird ceiling fan or a boring table chair, just sitting there silently, like a piece of furniture without unique or interesting brain waves. Yes I'm still part of the group; but not a very exciting part – more like a random blob; a globular mishap.)
On a semi-related note, in recent years, I've received a number of comments from my mom suggesting that I spend too much time online – AND in recent months, I've received a number of comments from her suggesting that I've had more social activity than ever in the last couple of years. Well I do spend a lot of time on my computer; some of it writing related; not online – although I also do spend more time online than the average person. More social activity in recent years is true also. However, much of that activity has taken place outside of my own state – or having people from other areas temporarily visit my space. I am not complaining about that or saying it is a bad thing; but part of what I AM saying/asking is how does my mom think I've met and gotten to know most of these newer friends of mine? I've met them online. That includes my poet friend K. and my poet friend M. and my newish extra special favorite man poet J. My mom has suggested I spend too much time online, share too much information online, and take too many risks along those lines – and yes, that is also true to a certain extent – every once in a while, I've made a regrettable mistake, starting to get to know the wrong kind of person. However, I sure don't regret getting to know quite a few wonderful poets more personally by reading/writing to each other online. I sure don't regret getting to know K. and M. and J. online and then meeting them in person.
There's also the question of how else would I get to know people otherwise? I'm not saying I'm going out of my way to meet people online, because I'm definitely not at this point in time – but that is still a valid question. I don't drive plus I live in a smallish town. I quite like and appreciate my personal space and I also like spending a significant amount of time by myself. But if I'm having a sad, lonely feeling spell, during which I might like to get out of my space for a bit and do something different and hang out with someone and socialize, unless I happen to have a friend visiting me from out of town, then who do I have to hang out with? Pretty much the only people I know who live in my neck of the woods are my mom & dad and my sister A. I certainly like them, but they have their own lifestyles to deal with. Aside from them, I do not have a single close friend that lives in this area.
Even though I was unpopular in high school, since I'm now back to living in that area it has crossed my mind many times to maybe attend one of the alumni special events that seem to be organized quite a bit; it might or might not be my cup of tea, but at this point I think I'd be willing to give it a try. However, not only would I have to attend by myself; I'd also have to be dropped off and picked up by my mom or dad or sister, which might interfere with their own schedules AND would most likely make me feel weird and/or embarrassed. Furthermore, as far as not meeting new people online, how the heck else could I possibly meet someone in this area? At the grocery store or some other regular public place? I don't think so.
I don't casually chat or socialize well in random large group settings (nor do I desire to do so); I also don't feel very comfortable going places by myself. If there were poetry reading events in this area, that would probably be one sort of situation that I would feel semi-comfortable attending and sitting by myself for (because I would be sitting and paying attention to someone read/perform/express; rather than sitting alone and awkward in a place where other people are in groups and I'm probably looking anti-social or stuck up or something). Aside from that, maybe I'm failing to think of something that I ought to be able to think of, but I cannot quickly/easily think of any type of setting or event in this area that I could do by myself/get to & from by myself/ and interact with some new people I might be interested in and vice versa.
(Part of me thinks that my family members probably PREFER me being by myself, because maybe they don't like my taste in partners and various sociable risks I might make; maybe they would like me to feel like I'm BETTER by myself; but how would any of them feel being by themselves at this point in their lives?; if someone like my mom tells me she would be fine with that, I don't really believe her – not because I think she's a liar, but because she has been with her partner since she was in high school, so how would she KNOW?)
I tend to be better at expressing myself in writing as opposed to in person, which is another significant reason why I really like communicating with people online to get to know them better and find out how we vibe; how we might connect with each other or not. Does that have some possible risk factors? Yes but what doesn't? And besides, does anyone in my family really want to read any of my longer writings, whether they are poetic, artsy, neurotic, or rather negative like this piece? Probably not. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with my family members because of that; what I'm saying is I desire someone to hear/read/be interested in and/or relate to my expressions – so I will write and write and write and hope that someone is. Even when I was married, I talked to a lot of friends online then too. I wasn't making in-person plans with other people at that time, since I had a partner - and since my partner was not into poetry, yet probably would have gotten jealous if I had attended poetry events without him, I got into doing most of my poetry stuff online, plus the massive amount of blogging I used to do.
About poetry activity, I am quite happy that I've actually been able to attend and participate in quite a few poetry readings (and related creative events) in recent years - but none of those events took place in this neck of the woods plus I don't have any family members/friends here who would be very interested in attending one with me – so unless I am out of town or have a friend visiting me from out of town, all of my poetry connections and interactions are still going to take place online.
Not that this is anyone's fault (except for my own) or that I am upset at anyone (except for myself) about this next tidbit, but I did feel rather upset that J. had a poetry reading this past Friday evening and I couldn't attend. He attended my last poetry reading in Pittsburgh in October, which was about two hours away from him. His reading Friday night was about two hours away from me, but I can't drive, don't have any poetry friends in this area, so couldn't go. I'm not making a huge deal out of that, but it did cross my mind and make me feel badly.
On the plus side, the day after that, one thing that always makes me feel better is when a literary magazine accepts a few of my poems – and yesterday one of my own poems AND one collaborative piece by J. & me were accepted and shall soon be published within Lingerpost. I got quite excited about that yesterday, but then today the negative part of my brain started thinking that I'm probably more excited about that then he is; I probably tend to get more excited (AND more upset) about little things than most people do and who really cares and what is the point and blah blah blah. Oh well, at least it significantly improved my mood for a few hours yesterday. That's something anyway.
Speaking of J. and me feeling strongly intense about a man who doesn't live very close to me (not that he lives very far, but…), I sometimes feel uncertain about that situation too, because how do you get to know someone as much as you want to when you see them less than once a month (and in recent months it seems that our online and phone conversations have been happening a little less)? I'm sure interested in wanting to find out more and get to know each other better – but he's a very busy bee, job-wise and otherwise – and he also seems to be very popular and sociable, with lots of different friends who live in his area. Maybe he LIKES being by himself sometimes and spending most of the rest of his time with his family members and different groups of his many friends – and maybe seeing me once every few months is all that he really wants/needs from me. Not that there would be anything wrong with that per se, except for the fact that it ultimately wouldn't be enough for ME. I want to be with him a little more often and get to find out more about each other. I desire us both to feel really strongly about each other - and I want to become his favorite thing. I sure don't want to force myself upon him (or anyone), but how am I supposed to know/figure out if we both want the same sort of things? How do I know/figure out what he wants/needs from me? What if he doesn't really need anything from any other individual – unlike me, who often wants more and might be an overly needy creep?
Why am I writing this? Why am I spending hours upon hours during two different days writing & revising this, even though it will still not be written and revised accurately enough? Accurately enough for what? What am I talking about? Who am I talking to? What is my point? Do I waste my own time? Do I waste others' time with my ongoing worried, insecure, uncertain ramblings or semi-random, semi-repetitive thoughts, feelings, and pieces/parts?
I wish I felt more confident about myself and what was going on in my life, but I don't – and that is another reason I am feeling rather uncomfortable about Christmas – because it's close to the New Year and the New Year makes me even more nervous. I do not crave another year of not knowing what is going on with my life or what I want or what I should focus on. January will equal TWO years since my stroke, one year since my divorce, over a year since I've been submitting my second full-length poetry manuscript which still has not been accepted – and at least the second year of not knowing what I want, what I need, who I am, if I am good enough for anyone, or if I am good enough for myself. I feel like I'm NOT good enough. Yes, in the last few years, I've made some significant progress in terms of getting words back (but my reading and writing is STILL much slower than it used to be – and my brain waves are still a weird fusion of weak and over-the-top bizarre froth), but I sure haven't made very significant progress in terms of positivity, self-empowerment or anything like that.
I know I must work harder on re-evaluating and positive-izing myself pretty darn soon here, but at the moment, part of me feels like staying in bed for the rest of December. I am very uncomfortable with Christmas and the upcoming New Year (and having no clue what that new year holds) and not feeling at all confident about who I am or what I have to offer anyone or what I mean to anyone else – or what my life even means to me.
Perhaps I ought to get back to work on focusing harder on reading and writing and poetry again. I don't know, but I guess I should focus on figuring some sort of stuff out.
I'm not sure who I'm writing this too; maybe just to myself; maybe I will send it to a family member and/or a friend and overwhelmingly bombard them with my negativity yet again. Probably I'll just blog it.
Maybe Christmas should be a fun/good time, but this year it seems to be exemplifying my obsessive compulsiveness, imperfections, and feeling alone. I've completed my holiday shopping already (mainly because I have to do most of that online, since I don't drive and don't want to rely upon others to drive me here & there & anywhere I might want to go), but now I am feeling worried that maybe nobody will like what I chose for them. I'm in the midst of working on holiday cards and feeling similarly awkward about that too. Who do I send them to?
(I also need to make it to the post office ASAP since I have five items to be weighed and mailed, one of them an etsy purchase that was made quite a few days ago AND I feel the need to get my hair cut/died soon AND make a vet appointment for my dog soon, but who knows when those things will be able to happen? It crossed my mind yesterday that maybe I should just walk to my hair cutting place by myself, while I still have a chance before it gets too snowy – but even without snow, I am already very uncomfortable with the coldness of wintery weather that I don't even like taking my dog out for long, let alone walking even further than that. On a semi-related note, I feel like if I wasn't an inept idiot then I would have figured out the little bussing system around here by now, so that I didn't have to rely upon family members to take me places, when they have their own time frames and busy schedules to deal with. )
I love and appreciate my family, but I also have some uncomfortable feelings about family holiday time. It will be my mom & dad and their four daughters and me by myself – my sister A. with her husband and three kids and me by myself – my sister J. with her husband and three kids and me by myself – my sister N. (whose last long term relationship seemed to end just a little after mine did, but she already has a new partner) with her partner and kid and me by myself. Me by myself, me by myself, me by myself – sitting there quietly and feeling like a worthless anti-social unwanted mess.
(Mind you, just because part of me feels uncomfortable spending time with my family when I'm by myself, that doesn't mean I don't like my family. It means I don't feel very comfortable being by myself in a crowd, in which I'm the only one who doesn't have my own partner. I know that some people are perfectly fine with that; are quite comfortable about being alone in a crowd - and part of me wishes I was that type of person, but I am not. I much prefer one on one time or very small groups that involve personal conversation. I do not like being by myself in part of a group with nobody talking much to me personally. I feel like I'm just part of a weird ceiling fan or a boring table chair, just sitting there silently, like a piece of furniture without unique or interesting brain waves. Yes I'm still part of the group; but not a very exciting part – more like a random blob; a globular mishap.)
On a semi-related note, in recent years, I've received a number of comments from my mom suggesting that I spend too much time online – AND in recent months, I've received a number of comments from her suggesting that I've had more social activity than ever in the last couple of years. Well I do spend a lot of time on my computer; some of it writing related; not online – although I also do spend more time online than the average person. More social activity in recent years is true also. However, much of that activity has taken place outside of my own state – or having people from other areas temporarily visit my space. I am not complaining about that or saying it is a bad thing; but part of what I AM saying/asking is how does my mom think I've met and gotten to know most of these newer friends of mine? I've met them online. That includes my poet friend K. and my poet friend M. and my newish extra special favorite man poet J. My mom has suggested I spend too much time online, share too much information online, and take too many risks along those lines – and yes, that is also true to a certain extent – every once in a while, I've made a regrettable mistake, starting to get to know the wrong kind of person. However, I sure don't regret getting to know quite a few wonderful poets more personally by reading/writing to each other online. I sure don't regret getting to know K. and M. and J. online and then meeting them in person.
There's also the question of how else would I get to know people otherwise? I'm not saying I'm going out of my way to meet people online, because I'm definitely not at this point in time – but that is still a valid question. I don't drive plus I live in a smallish town. I quite like and appreciate my personal space and I also like spending a significant amount of time by myself. But if I'm having a sad, lonely feeling spell, during which I might like to get out of my space for a bit and do something different and hang out with someone and socialize, unless I happen to have a friend visiting me from out of town, then who do I have to hang out with? Pretty much the only people I know who live in my neck of the woods are my mom & dad and my sister A. I certainly like them, but they have their own lifestyles to deal with. Aside from them, I do not have a single close friend that lives in this area.
Even though I was unpopular in high school, since I'm now back to living in that area it has crossed my mind many times to maybe attend one of the alumni special events that seem to be organized quite a bit; it might or might not be my cup of tea, but at this point I think I'd be willing to give it a try. However, not only would I have to attend by myself; I'd also have to be dropped off and picked up by my mom or dad or sister, which might interfere with their own schedules AND would most likely make me feel weird and/or embarrassed. Furthermore, as far as not meeting new people online, how the heck else could I possibly meet someone in this area? At the grocery store or some other regular public place? I don't think so.
I don't casually chat or socialize well in random large group settings (nor do I desire to do so); I also don't feel very comfortable going places by myself. If there were poetry reading events in this area, that would probably be one sort of situation that I would feel semi-comfortable attending and sitting by myself for (because I would be sitting and paying attention to someone read/perform/express; rather than sitting alone and awkward in a place where other people are in groups and I'm probably looking anti-social or stuck up or something). Aside from that, maybe I'm failing to think of something that I ought to be able to think of, but I cannot quickly/easily think of any type of setting or event in this area that I could do by myself/get to & from by myself/ and interact with some new people I might be interested in and vice versa.
(Part of me thinks that my family members probably PREFER me being by myself, because maybe they don't like my taste in partners and various sociable risks I might make; maybe they would like me to feel like I'm BETTER by myself; but how would any of them feel being by themselves at this point in their lives?; if someone like my mom tells me she would be fine with that, I don't really believe her – not because I think she's a liar, but because she has been with her partner since she was in high school, so how would she KNOW?)
I tend to be better at expressing myself in writing as opposed to in person, which is another significant reason why I really like communicating with people online to get to know them better and find out how we vibe; how we might connect with each other or not. Does that have some possible risk factors? Yes but what doesn't? And besides, does anyone in my family really want to read any of my longer writings, whether they are poetic, artsy, neurotic, or rather negative like this piece? Probably not. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with my family members because of that; what I'm saying is I desire someone to hear/read/be interested in and/or relate to my expressions – so I will write and write and write and hope that someone is. Even when I was married, I talked to a lot of friends online then too. I wasn't making in-person plans with other people at that time, since I had a partner - and since my partner was not into poetry, yet probably would have gotten jealous if I had attended poetry events without him, I got into doing most of my poetry stuff online, plus the massive amount of blogging I used to do.
About poetry activity, I am quite happy that I've actually been able to attend and participate in quite a few poetry readings (and related creative events) in recent years - but none of those events took place in this neck of the woods plus I don't have any family members/friends here who would be very interested in attending one with me – so unless I am out of town or have a friend visiting me from out of town, all of my poetry connections and interactions are still going to take place online.
Not that this is anyone's fault (except for my own) or that I am upset at anyone (except for myself) about this next tidbit, but I did feel rather upset that J. had a poetry reading this past Friday evening and I couldn't attend. He attended my last poetry reading in Pittsburgh in October, which was about two hours away from him. His reading Friday night was about two hours away from me, but I can't drive, don't have any poetry friends in this area, so couldn't go. I'm not making a huge deal out of that, but it did cross my mind and make me feel badly.
On the plus side, the day after that, one thing that always makes me feel better is when a literary magazine accepts a few of my poems – and yesterday one of my own poems AND one collaborative piece by J. & me were accepted and shall soon be published within Lingerpost. I got quite excited about that yesterday, but then today the negative part of my brain started thinking that I'm probably more excited about that then he is; I probably tend to get more excited (AND more upset) about little things than most people do and who really cares and what is the point and blah blah blah. Oh well, at least it significantly improved my mood for a few hours yesterday. That's something anyway.
Speaking of J. and me feeling strongly intense about a man who doesn't live very close to me (not that he lives very far, but…), I sometimes feel uncertain about that situation too, because how do you get to know someone as much as you want to when you see them less than once a month (and in recent months it seems that our online and phone conversations have been happening a little less)? I'm sure interested in wanting to find out more and get to know each other better – but he's a very busy bee, job-wise and otherwise – and he also seems to be very popular and sociable, with lots of different friends who live in his area. Maybe he LIKES being by himself sometimes and spending most of the rest of his time with his family members and different groups of his many friends – and maybe seeing me once every few months is all that he really wants/needs from me. Not that there would be anything wrong with that per se, except for the fact that it ultimately wouldn't be enough for ME. I want to be with him a little more often and get to find out more about each other. I desire us both to feel really strongly about each other - and I want to become his favorite thing. I sure don't want to force myself upon him (or anyone), but how am I supposed to know/figure out if we both want the same sort of things? How do I know/figure out what he wants/needs from me? What if he doesn't really need anything from any other individual – unlike me, who often wants more and might be an overly needy creep?
Why am I writing this? Why am I spending hours upon hours during two different days writing & revising this, even though it will still not be written and revised accurately enough? Accurately enough for what? What am I talking about? Who am I talking to? What is my point? Do I waste my own time? Do I waste others' time with my ongoing worried, insecure, uncertain ramblings or semi-random, semi-repetitive thoughts, feelings, and pieces/parts?
I wish I felt more confident about myself and what was going on in my life, but I don't – and that is another reason I am feeling rather uncomfortable about Christmas – because it's close to the New Year and the New Year makes me even more nervous. I do not crave another year of not knowing what is going on with my life or what I want or what I should focus on. January will equal TWO years since my stroke, one year since my divorce, over a year since I've been submitting my second full-length poetry manuscript which still has not been accepted – and at least the second year of not knowing what I want, what I need, who I am, if I am good enough for anyone, or if I am good enough for myself. I feel like I'm NOT good enough. Yes, in the last few years, I've made some significant progress in terms of getting words back (but my reading and writing is STILL much slower than it used to be – and my brain waves are still a weird fusion of weak and over-the-top bizarre froth), but I sure haven't made very significant progress in terms of positivity, self-empowerment or anything like that.
I know I must work harder on re-evaluating and positive-izing myself pretty darn soon here, but at the moment, part of me feels like staying in bed for the rest of December. I am very uncomfortable with Christmas and the upcoming New Year (and having no clue what that new year holds) and not feeling at all confident about who I am or what I have to offer anyone or what I mean to anyone else – or what my life even means to me.
Perhaps I ought to get back to work on focusing harder on reading and writing and poetry again. I don't know, but I guess I should focus on figuring some sort of stuff out.
December 2, 2011
NEW DREAM SEQUENCE – Death & Glimmering Glitter
When I was younger, I used to wish I looked more pale and ghostly.
Now I don't want to become a ghost - I'm scared of falling asleep -
of falling into dreams - of falling down falling down falling down...
***
1. My grandpa called me. I didn't hear anyone on the phone at first, but part of me knew it was him, even though he never calls me. Then he started to speak in a soft and powerless voice, telling me that he was dying.
2. My ex-husband and I got together. We seemed to be getting along well, feeling good about each other, and having a fun and enjoyable time together. We started kissing. Almost as soon as we lay on the bed together, he turned too strong, purposely trying to overpower me. He told me that he was going to crush me, make me bleed inside, and slowly but surely kill me.
3. Usually, when I decide to make myself wake up, it is easy. This time, I couldn't do it. I felt like I was jerking around and screaming, "oh my god oh my god oh my god"!. I was trying to scream, but felt like it was barely emerging as a tiny whisper. I was trying to scream loud enough so that someone else would hear me and then help me wake up. At some point, my brain realized that I was by myself; there was nobody here to help me.
4. I finally managed to wake myself up, even though I still felt uncertain for a while as to whether or not I was really awake. I was laying still feeling scared; the insides of my body were making weird little clicking sounds. Even when I realized that I really was awake, my body kept clicking. I thought about how my insides have been feeling odd on and off for over a week now; not painful, but uncomfortable in an unusual way that I am not sure how to describe. Bodily clicking sounds? Moving my neck down and making my stomach and legs tingle? What the heck? (After my bad dream, I was lying there in bed, feeling scared, and thinking, "Please don't let me have another stroke. Please don't let me have another seizure. Please don't let me be on the brink of dying.")
***
Side note 1: Could this bad dream and my bodily tremors have been partially caused by watching horror movies - thinking back upon grandpa watching old-fashioned vampire flicks when I was visiting my grandparents as a little kid – my semi-recent liking of/dancing too much to techno-cheesy music (dancing by myself but often imagining myself dancing in the middle of two gay men; although I'm not trying to refer to my gay men dancing here, so much as my little head jerkings)?
Side note 2: My mom has repeatedly suggested I watch too many horror movies and maybe that's what causes my bad dreams, BUT I also had plenty of scary bad dreams when I was a little kid who was not allowed to watch those kinds of movies. Maybe then it was related to my mom telling me too many late night tales that started based on the subject matter of 'don't talk to strangers' and then delved into scary subject matter of people slashing legs, peeling off skin, and stabbing hideous liquids into necks.
At least one good thing about my bad dreams is that they can lead to interesting writings, including poetry.
I can creatively pretend that the strange tingling sensations in my neck/stomach/legs are glimmering glitter.
Now I don't want to become a ghost - I'm scared of falling asleep -
of falling into dreams - of falling down falling down falling down...
***
1. My grandpa called me. I didn't hear anyone on the phone at first, but part of me knew it was him, even though he never calls me. Then he started to speak in a soft and powerless voice, telling me that he was dying.
2. My ex-husband and I got together. We seemed to be getting along well, feeling good about each other, and having a fun and enjoyable time together. We started kissing. Almost as soon as we lay on the bed together, he turned too strong, purposely trying to overpower me. He told me that he was going to crush me, make me bleed inside, and slowly but surely kill me.
3. Usually, when I decide to make myself wake up, it is easy. This time, I couldn't do it. I felt like I was jerking around and screaming, "oh my god oh my god oh my god"!. I was trying to scream, but felt like it was barely emerging as a tiny whisper. I was trying to scream loud enough so that someone else would hear me and then help me wake up. At some point, my brain realized that I was by myself; there was nobody here to help me.
4. I finally managed to wake myself up, even though I still felt uncertain for a while as to whether or not I was really awake. I was laying still feeling scared; the insides of my body were making weird little clicking sounds. Even when I realized that I really was awake, my body kept clicking. I thought about how my insides have been feeling odd on and off for over a week now; not painful, but uncomfortable in an unusual way that I am not sure how to describe. Bodily clicking sounds? Moving my neck down and making my stomach and legs tingle? What the heck? (After my bad dream, I was lying there in bed, feeling scared, and thinking, "Please don't let me have another stroke. Please don't let me have another seizure. Please don't let me be on the brink of dying.")
***
Side note 1: Could this bad dream and my bodily tremors have been partially caused by watching horror movies - thinking back upon grandpa watching old-fashioned vampire flicks when I was visiting my grandparents as a little kid – my semi-recent liking of/dancing too much to techno-cheesy music (dancing by myself but often imagining myself dancing in the middle of two gay men; although I'm not trying to refer to my gay men dancing here, so much as my little head jerkings)?
Side note 2: My mom has repeatedly suggested I watch too many horror movies and maybe that's what causes my bad dreams, BUT I also had plenty of scary bad dreams when I was a little kid who was not allowed to watch those kinds of movies. Maybe then it was related to my mom telling me too many late night tales that started based on the subject matter of 'don't talk to strangers' and then delved into scary subject matter of people slashing legs, peeling off skin, and stabbing hideous liquids into necks.
At least one good thing about my bad dreams is that they can lead to interesting writings, including poetry.
I can creatively pretend that the strange tingling sensations in my neck/stomach/legs are glimmering glitter.
November 29, 2011
My Thirteen Designer Vaginas are a "half-repulsed pursuit of knowledge and self-knowledge"
A new review of my Thirteen Designer Vaginas – at fiddler crab – thanks to Kathleen Kirk.
Here is a snippet:
"rich in humor and wordplay, but also rather frightening in what they suggest about what can be done surgically to alter or repair women's nether parts."
Click the link below to read more:
http://fiddlercrabreview.blogspot.com/2011/11/thirteen-designer-vaginas.html
*
Thirteen Designer Vaginas is also a part of No Tells: best books 2011 - thanks to Jessy Randall
http://notellpoetry.blogspot.com/search/label/best%20books%202011
*
Thirteen Designer Vaginas also has another review copy available from Galatea Resurrects – and so does the latest Blood Pudding Press poetry chapbook, LETTERS FROM ROOM 27 OF THE GRAND MIDWAY HOTEL by Margaret Bashaar with photographic ephemera by Kevin Ross - plus copies of several older Blood Pudding Press poetry chaps too.
Visit here for more if you would like to receive a review copy from Galatea Resurrects:
http://grarchives.blogspot.com/
Here is a snippet:
"rich in humor and wordplay, but also rather frightening in what they suggest about what can be done surgically to alter or repair women's nether parts."
Click the link below to read more:
http://fiddlercrabreview.blogspot.com/2011/11/thirteen-designer-vaginas.html
*
Thirteen Designer Vaginas is also a part of No Tells: best books 2011 - thanks to Jessy Randall
http://notellpoetry.blogspot.com/search/label/best%20books%202011
*
Thirteen Designer Vaginas also has another review copy available from Galatea Resurrects – and so does the latest Blood Pudding Press poetry chapbook, LETTERS FROM ROOM 27 OF THE GRAND MIDWAY HOTEL by Margaret Bashaar with photographic ephemera by Kevin Ross - plus copies of several older Blood Pudding Press poetry chaps too.
Visit here for more if you would like to receive a review copy from Galatea Resurrects:
http://grarchives.blogspot.com/
November 24, 2011
NEW POEM
My new poem - MY SORROW IS NOT SOMETHING YOU CAN EAT - is now up on HOUSEFIRE.
Try to take a bite, but don't expect a wishbone...
http://www.housefirepublishing.com/poetry/my-sorrow-is-not-something-you-can-eat-juliet-cook/
Gobble gobble.
Try to take a bite, but don't expect a wishbone...
http://www.housefirepublishing.com/poetry/my-sorrow-is-not-something-you-can-eat-juliet-cook/
Gobble gobble.
November 22, 2011
Dusie Kollektiv 5 poetry chapbooks can now be read online!
The Dusie Kollektiv 5 poetry chapbooks are now live and available for reading online, here:
http://www.dusie.org/issue12.html
My POST-STROKE is one of the offerings; just click on my last name to partake.
You may also purchase it's hand-designed print version from the Blood Pudding Press etsy shop:
http://www.etsy.com/listing/69547229/post-stroke-by-juliet-cook
http://www.dusie.org/issue12.html
My POST-STROKE is one of the offerings; just click on my last name to partake.
You may also purchase it's hand-designed print version from the Blood Pudding Press etsy shop:
http://www.etsy.com/listing/69547229/post-stroke-by-juliet-cook
New Thirteen Myna Birds Land
In Thirteen Myna Birds land, new art pieces are up by PoetJoe H. Gallagher, David Greenspan, and Joseph Harker - along with older pieces still remaining and darkly deliciously percolating by Eleanor Leonne Bennett, Bonnie MacAllister, Tiffany Midge, & David Greenspan again.
***
"Pick strawberries, slick red layers of tissue, 110% Possum, the desire to clutch!"
***
Partake here - http://13myna.blogspot.com/
***
