Juliet Cook's Blog, page 149

I wish I could feel happy by myself AND accomplish more by myself

Although my thoughts/feeling below are not based upon no longer having a serious romantic relationship in my life, I will admit that recently ending the first serious romantic relationship since my divorce has substantially increased my negative feeling vibes lately.
Not negative vibes towards others so much as negative vibes towards myself. 
To be honest, sometimes I feel like I hate myself.
I feel as if there is nothing all that good or positive or likeable about me (except for occasional weird poetic tidbits, which most people can’t relate to).
I can force myself to act semi-normal, but there is nothing layed back inside my brain.
I feel like I’m almost never ‘in my element’ (except for sometimes when reading or writing or working on poetry or art; but rarely when working on anything real life oriented). 
Maybe I don’t have an element. Maybe I’ll almost always be un-elemental and alone and lonely.
For the most part, I am fine with living by myself (despite my lonely spells, sometimes overtaken by crying jags) – and spending alone time reading and writing and working on art stuff and otherwise being creatively productive – and playing with my dog/walking my dog – and interacting online. But for the most part I am NOT fine being alone outside my own space.   I wish I WAS.
Mydiscomfort being by myself feelings are not primarily related to craving a special relationship.  I mentally freak out about going grocery shopping by myself or taking the greyhound or doing almost ANYTHING outside my own space by myself. Since I’m a non-driver, I took buses to and from work by myself for YEARS and walked a lot by myself, but NEVER became comfortable with it. I can FORCE myself to do things by myself and/or walk places by myself - and sometimes I do - but I never enjoy it (and am sometimes on the brink of having a panic attack during the walk).
Since I can't drive, what I can even TRY to do by myself is more limited. When I do try I have to deal with my directional issues and borderline panic attack issues of first GETTING THERE by myself and then HANGING OUT by myself  and then GETTING BACK by myself (and now hoping that my inward freaky outing does not cause me to have a seizure or something). It's not that it's impossible to force myself to do things like that; BUT it is such a personal struggle, that it's very un-enjoyable - and instead of making me feel better about myself, it usually makes me feel worse - for making a big huge mental deal about something that should be easy.
I feel like a direction-less misfit who is usually so very uncomfortable doing things by myself outside of my own space, that even if I try (which I sometimes do) and make it there safely and successfully (which I usually do), by that time I’m often sweating and have a stress-induced headache (from concentrating hard on direction and trying to tone down my ridiculous panic attack vibes that I’m about to get lost or hit by a car or shot or something) – to the point that when I get there, I can’t focus on happy, fun enjoyment.  Instead, I’m already focused on the  stress of getting myself back; instead of being able to focus on what I got there to do.
It bugs me when people suggest I should get my driver’s license – because if I felt the LEAST BIT comfortable driving, I would have gotten my driver's license by now.
I have tried seeing a few therapists, but I am anti-pill-popping - and all the therapists I've seen suggest a psych. drug almost immediately and that really turns me off. One of the last therapists I saw did offer a couple helpful suggestions that worked better for me - transcendental meditation and exercising more to get my endorphins flowing - but she ALSO suggested I get my driver’s license AND almost automatically suggested pills, both of which really bugged me. (Sometimes other people’s suggestions give me the impression that they think I haven’t really tried, but I think I have. I guess I’m too abnormal for my own good or something.)  Then there's the fact that at this point in my life I can't afford a therapist, so I can't try another one anyway.
I also can’t afford to be greyhounding it frequently – and so even though I like my house, sometime I feel like I made a mistake moving into an area where the only people I  really know are a few family members (and much as I like my family members, we have different lifestyles and there’s are largely kid focused), so I feel like I am in a position of having hardly any real life friends, real life contact, or real life activity outside of my own space, near where I live.
Oh how I wish I was the type of person who felt very comfortable doing things by myself outside of my space, but I’m not – and I’ve made attempts again & again for years and I’m still not.  I guess I will always be an over reactionary misfit prone to ridiculous freak outs.
I guess my brain is a malfunctioned mess – and I guess that nobody will ever desire to deal with it, except in small doses.

NEW Menacing Hedge

A new online issue of Menacing Hedge went live today - offering art, fiction, poetry & poetry readings by Crystal Hoffman, Jill Khoury, Jessy Randall, Daniel M. Shapiro, and more including six poems by me!

Read and listen to the creative offerings here - http://www.menacinghedge.com/summer2012/

Happy July brimming with poeticism!

Thirteen Myna Birds got new wings (and is craving even newer wings soon)...

"the broken chandelier as it swings like a marionette – silver glint of fear - face and nose twitching - rainbow flakes - a yellow eye - boring a hole through platforms of sorrow - bustle and sweep of wings spoiling the hush"
The latest Thirteen Myna Birds has now gone live - with NEW darkly delicious poetic offerings from Walter Conley and Daniel G. Snethen – OLDER poem pieces still remaining from Lora Bloom– plus NEW AND OLD poetry morsels by Lisa M. Cole and Alex S. Johnson.
Here is a link to the latest Myna Birds flock:
http://13myna.blogspot.com/
(I am going to make a small change to the Thirteen Myna Birds submission guidelines going forward. Chances are pretty decent that if I liked/published your poetry once, I might very well like and be interested in publishing more of it in the future - BUT with that said, I don't really want to publish the same people every month - I desire NEW amalgamations - SO if someone has sent me a submission and received a rejection OR an acceptance, please wait three months or more before submitting to me again.  Tell some of your poetry loving friends to read the current offering and consider submitting for the next!)

A poem from (and interesting review of) my Thirteen Designer Vaginas

At Galatea Resurrects, an interesting review of my Thirteen Designer Vaginas:

http://galatearesurrection18.blogspot.com/2012/05/poem-from-thirteen-designer-vaginas-by.html

I have a few copies of the oh so oddly poetic vaginas for sale in my etsy shop here:

http://www.etsy.com/shop/BloodPuddingPress

Plus they are available from the poetry press that published the vaginas, Hyacinth Girl Press, here:

http://hyacinthgirlpress.com/

(NEW!) FAINTING COUCH IDIOGLOSSIA

The NEWEST (and first of 2012) Blood Pudding Press poetry chapbook is writhing and undulating with peculiar poetic morsels.
It's spooky, strange, nightmare-ish innards offer idioglossia's (individual and collaborative) from Kelly Boyker, Margaret Bashaar,  Daniel M. Shapiro, Jessy Randall, Suzanne Grazyna, Kathy Burkett, Douglas Burkett, PoetJoe H. Gallagher, Juliet Cook, and Michael Smith.
33 poems in a ghostly blood bath of Blood Pudding.
Get one here:https://www.etsy.com/listing/99748361/fainting-couch-idioglossia-by-multiple
***
id·i·o·glos·si·a 1. a private form of speech invented by one child or by children who are in close contact, as twins. 2. a pathological condition characterized by speech so distorted as to be unintelligible

Paranoia/insecurity/negativity or real feelings?

Do you ever wonder if you somehow accidentally manage to make someone worse then they usually are – because they seem to act nice and caring to most other people, but were often mean and uncaring to you?  Do you ever wonder if it was somehow all your fault because you were weak, overly needy, and not wonderful enough?  (I do.)

Do you ever worry that you might be overly negative for most people’s liking and even if your condescension is not towards others, but is focused on yourself, it still might come across as unlikable and/or annoying?  (I do.)

Do you sometimes start to notice that someone you thought was a good close friend sometimes responds to you but other times ignores you and maybe it’s because they’re tired of your over the top little freak outs and so would rather just role their eyes and focus elsewhere?  (I do).

Do you ever feel overly hurt/upset because some of your favorite people seem to be far more focused on other people/other stuff than they are on you? What if your favorite person seems to be much more focused on his family than he is on you?  Would that make you feel uncomfortable; like maybe you’re not good enough or significant enough or special enough? 

Do you ever feel sad, hurt, and worried that you will NEVER EVER be someone’s favorite thing, EVER AGAIN?

Yes part of me also realizes that much of this insecurity is borderline absurd and I should quit allowing myself to focus on it.  If I’m feeling down, I should focus on poetry (which I often do), because poetry might be the only thing that will ALWAYS stay with me in a wonderful, creative way.  Yes part of me thinks I should focus more on feeling better/more strongly/more powerfully about myself and liking myself more.  But that’s hard for some people – and for whatever reason, I am one of those people, who occasionally feels pretty good about myself, but other times thinks/feels that I am not good enough and never will be. Not good enough for WHAT though?  If I’m not good enough to keep a few close friends then I guess I should just stick to poetry and myself – sometimes feeling very sad and lonely and upset – but at least not having to screw up others with my feelings.  Sometimes I feel as if my poetry is better than the ‘real life’ me – and sometimes that weirdly hurts my feelings...

Poetry plethora of dreamy skulls and ghosts (NEW Thirteen Myna Birds)

The newly updated Thirteen Myna Birds has now gone live!THREE NEW poems by Lisa M. Cole - TWO NEW (& two old) poems by Alex S. Johnson - THREE NEW poems by Lora Bloom - (plus three old poems by Jill Khoury still remaining).

Here's the link to those Myna Birds - http://13myna.blogspot.com/

"Blood crank - writhing out of ashes - other half of the best friend necklace - crackle of nerves -
static in her skull - hooks for hands – uplifting shiver..."***See my blog posts below for more oodles of poetry goodness, too!

Listen to Juliet Cook read five of her poems within the Menacing Hedge Podcast!

Listen to me read five of my poems ('Hot Water', 'COILED', 'Giant Squid', 'SPAWNING' and 'Slumber Party Scandal/Bikini Zone') in the new Menacing Hedge Podcast, here:

http://menacinghedge.com/podcast/2012/menacing-podcast-2012-04-29.php

Slurp!

Less than 3 days left to purchase these two poetry chapbooks

The first two Blood Pudding Press poetry chapbooks will be discontinued after the end of April 2012, so if you haven't yet, purchase/partake of a copy of one or both, before it's too late.

The Laura Poems:

http://www.etsy.com/listing/58029753/sale-the-laura-poems-by-juliet-cook-this

Girl Gang:

http://www.etsy.com/listing/59220360/sale-girl-gang-by-juliet-cook-this

Koi, lily pads, and water lilies

I have some troubles with easy little words (food words, animal words, sea creature words, plant words and many more), but I can usually visualize what I'm trying to think of.
A young pottery artist gave me a handmade mug and another piece of her art and I was trying to explain the appearance of her art to my mom, but the words wouldn’t emerge.
The art seemed to be reminding my brain of some sort of plant-like sea creature hybrid fusion, but I couldn't think of the plant or sea creature words I wanted to say. I knew it wasn't rose-like;what was it?
I tried to explain a common kind of fish with many size variations to my mom and she asked if I was talking about a goldfish - and I thought that I WAS – but wasn’t there another word for goldfish; a shorter but slightly more uncommon word?
I seemed to be visualizing that a lot of people had tattoos of this kind of fish; then I started to wonder if maybe my brain was not making much sense.
But then I googled 'Kathy Acker tattoo' and then 'fish tattoos'.
Koi was the first word.
I then finally managed to find the rest and realize that her art made me think of koi, lily pads, and water lilies.
*
Koi Tattoos:
 According to Japanese legend, if a koi succeeded in climbing the falls at a point called Dragon Gate on the Yellow River, it would be transformed into a dragon. Based on that legend, it became a symbol of worldly aspiration and advancement.
More generally, the Japanese associate koi (also known as carp) with perseverance in adversity and strength of purpose.  Because of its strength and determination to overcome obstacles, it stands for courage and the ability to attain high goals.