Jay Royston's Blog, page 15
December 19, 2014
On Recent Eventy things
The Interview gets Majorly Censored.
I don't really know what to label this on the WTF meter but at least it's kept us distracted from a few more important news items that should be of more relevance, such as that damning CIA torture report that (no surprise) the US of A was/is torturing 'enemies of the state' ever since 9/11 and that of those hours of misery and pain in the name of all that is Freedom pretty much amounted to nothing.
Then there is also the anniversary of the Sandy Hook Massacre, sponsored by the NRA. Remember how sad as fuck most of us were and then the NRA's response to Obama's somewhat sane plea to limit who can purchase automatic weapons? Fuck the NRA on that one.
But at least we can thank Seth Rogan and James Franco for helping us remember what Freedom and America is all about - movie critics. (click to continue reading)
The Interview is an interesting idea, probably not all that original in it's plot (American reporters 'recruited' by the CIA to kill a foreign head of state) but it is interesting in what it suggests; that killing or assassinating foreign leaders is acceptable foreign policy by the New America standards and also would make for good entertainment.
I get why any country would be pissed off about this plot. There are plenty of 'Kill the American President' movies out there but for the most part there is one big difference - they NEVER KILL the PRESIDENT (barring Stone's JFK). American presidents can't be killed, it's an underlying propaganda message enforced by Hollywood. It's really no different than North Korea, or China, or France's film industry. The Interview graphically shows North Korea's young leader getting blown up in amazingly slow-motion detail (youtube it if you want).
Look at the last successful 'execution' of a major head of state officially sponsored by America. Here's the only frame released of that supposedly true documentary;
I'm on the conspiracy side of the fence with this one; they could be watching a Raffi Torres video for all we know and their reactions would probably be the same. Osama Bin Laden was a convenient boogeyman for American Oil interests in Iraq (who was repeatedly proven to not have anything to do with 9/11 as opposed to the US's greatest Middle Eastern ally, Saudi Arabia). I doubt Bin Laden was alive anytime after 2003 but I'll never know. In this day of cell phones and cameras, you'd think at least one picture of his corpse could have hit the major news outlets, right?
All I know is that Hollywood made a movie about the back story called Zero Dark Thirty behind that picture which strengthens the myth (and let's face it, without proof that is all it is) and it won an Oscar for someone and was also nominated for five others, including Best Picture, which means it must be legit right? Look at all these 12 other historically kinda accurate Best Picture Winners that masquerade as fictionalized documentaries since 1980;
Gandhi
Amadeus
Platoon
The Last Emperor
Schindler's List
Braveheart (over Apollo 13)
Forrest Gump
Titanic
A Beautiful Mind
The King's Speech
Argo (*over Zero Dark Thirty)
12 Years A Slave
What would be nice is if they made a separate category for these 'fictionalized dramatizations of probably real events'. The 'quasi-documentary' Best Picture, if you will.
Then have a separate category for actual fictional Best Original Pictures. They sort of have that, only it's labelled 'Best Screenplay', which goes to show one of the larger problems of being a writer in show business and being a writer in general. Best Screenplay is THE biggest award of the Oscars from a creative standpoint. Compare these 12 Best Screenplays with the Best Picture winners.
E.T. The Extra-terrestial /Gandhi
Places in the Heart/Amadeus
Hannah and Her Sisters/Platoon
Moonstruck/The Last Emperor
The Piano/Schindler's List
Pulp Fiction/Forrest Gump
Usual Suspects/Braveheart
Good Will Hunting/Titanic
Gosford Park/A Beautiful Mind
The King's Speech/The King's Speech
Django Unchained/Argo
Her/12 Years A Slave
Interesting that out of those 12 Best Pictures, only 1 (The King's Speech) also won for best screenplay. A few of them I have never even heard of. I honestly thought there would be a few more that also won Best Picture so what does that mean?
Keep in mind that only Academy members who have won within that category can vote on the Oscars; so its really a 'clicky' type selection, an award based on your peers, be it editors, writers, cinematographers (again, keep in mind it must be from those who have already won) yet every member of the Academy can vote on Best Picture.
If you want to be a screenwriter, ignore the Best Picture winners - go dissect those that win Best Screenplay, find out what works, what doesn't.
If you want to be Best Picture Screenwriter, pick a historical event and fictionalize the shit out of it. Watch documentaries but use them only as 'suggestions of facts' and feel free to embellish in the name of human interest. Take comfort that your fellow screenwriters who value the art will consider you a contract whore who does nothing for the prestige of your fellow scribes.
In the end (and I know i digressed from what I was originally going to vent about (that being the Edmonton Oilers)) will The Interview win an Oscar for Best Picture, or will there be a historically kinda accurate reproduction of what happened in America and to Sony upon the green-lighting of a fictional premise of the assassination of a world leader?
Also, how can Seth Rogan and James Franco top this?
The Edmonton Oilers
I don't really know what to label this on the WTF meter but at least it's kept us distracted from a few more important news items that should be of more relevance, such as that damning CIA torture report that (no surprise) the US of A was/is torturing 'enemies of the state' ever since 9/11 and that of those hours of misery and pain in the name of all that is Freedom pretty much amounted to nothing.
Then there is also the anniversary of the Sandy Hook Massacre, sponsored by the NRA. Remember how sad as fuck most of us were and then the NRA's response to Obama's somewhat sane plea to limit who can purchase automatic weapons? Fuck the NRA on that one.
But at least we can thank Seth Rogan and James Franco for helping us remember what Freedom and America is all about - movie critics. (click to continue reading)
The Interview is an interesting idea, probably not all that original in it's plot (American reporters 'recruited' by the CIA to kill a foreign head of state) but it is interesting in what it suggests; that killing or assassinating foreign leaders is acceptable foreign policy by the New America standards and also would make for good entertainment.
I get why any country would be pissed off about this plot. There are plenty of 'Kill the American President' movies out there but for the most part there is one big difference - they NEVER KILL the PRESIDENT (barring Stone's JFK). American presidents can't be killed, it's an underlying propaganda message enforced by Hollywood. It's really no different than North Korea, or China, or France's film industry. The Interview graphically shows North Korea's young leader getting blown up in amazingly slow-motion detail (youtube it if you want).
Look at the last successful 'execution' of a major head of state officially sponsored by America. Here's the only frame released of that supposedly true documentary;
I'm on the conspiracy side of the fence with this one; they could be watching a Raffi Torres video for all we know and their reactions would probably be the same. Osama Bin Laden was a convenient boogeyman for American Oil interests in Iraq (who was repeatedly proven to not have anything to do with 9/11 as opposed to the US's greatest Middle Eastern ally, Saudi Arabia). I doubt Bin Laden was alive anytime after 2003 but I'll never know. In this day of cell phones and cameras, you'd think at least one picture of his corpse could have hit the major news outlets, right?
All I know is that Hollywood made a movie about the back story called Zero Dark Thirty behind that picture which strengthens the myth (and let's face it, without proof that is all it is) and it won an Oscar for someone and was also nominated for five others, including Best Picture, which means it must be legit right? Look at all these 12 other historically kinda accurate Best Picture Winners that masquerade as fictionalized documentaries since 1980;
Gandhi
Amadeus
Platoon
The Last Emperor
Schindler's List
Braveheart (over Apollo 13)
Forrest Gump
Titanic
A Beautiful Mind
The King's Speech
Argo (*over Zero Dark Thirty)
12 Years A Slave
What would be nice is if they made a separate category for these 'fictionalized dramatizations of probably real events'. The 'quasi-documentary' Best Picture, if you will.
Then have a separate category for actual fictional Best Original Pictures. They sort of have that, only it's labelled 'Best Screenplay', which goes to show one of the larger problems of being a writer in show business and being a writer in general. Best Screenplay is THE biggest award of the Oscars from a creative standpoint. Compare these 12 Best Screenplays with the Best Picture winners.
E.T. The Extra-terrestial /Gandhi
Places in the Heart/Amadeus
Hannah and Her Sisters/Platoon
Moonstruck/The Last Emperor
The Piano/Schindler's List
Pulp Fiction/Forrest Gump
Usual Suspects/Braveheart
Good Will Hunting/Titanic
Gosford Park/A Beautiful Mind
The King's Speech/The King's Speech
Django Unchained/Argo
Her/12 Years A Slave
Interesting that out of those 12 Best Pictures, only 1 (The King's Speech) also won for best screenplay. A few of them I have never even heard of. I honestly thought there would be a few more that also won Best Picture so what does that mean?
Keep in mind that only Academy members who have won within that category can vote on the Oscars; so its really a 'clicky' type selection, an award based on your peers, be it editors, writers, cinematographers (again, keep in mind it must be from those who have already won) yet every member of the Academy can vote on Best Picture.
If you want to be a screenwriter, ignore the Best Picture winners - go dissect those that win Best Screenplay, find out what works, what doesn't.
If you want to be Best Picture Screenwriter, pick a historical event and fictionalize the shit out of it. Watch documentaries but use them only as 'suggestions of facts' and feel free to embellish in the name of human interest. Take comfort that your fellow screenwriters who value the art will consider you a contract whore who does nothing for the prestige of your fellow scribes.
In the end (and I know i digressed from what I was originally going to vent about (that being the Edmonton Oilers)) will The Interview win an Oscar for Best Picture, or will there be a historically kinda accurate reproduction of what happened in America and to Sony upon the green-lighting of a fictional premise of the assassination of a world leader?
Also, how can Seth Rogan and James Franco top this?
The Edmonton Oilers
December 13, 2014
draft 10 popculture awesome gifts for Dad (or me)
10 Practical and Inspired Gifts for MeYou say it’s your birthday or even better, Christmas.
Let’s face the selfish facts. Only you know what you truly want. Perhaps you are tired of getting another new ‘collectable action figure’ from a series you never cared for but someone thought you did because they guessed you were into The Avengers, because everyone else in the world is and they just went to the mall and found the most popular item on display and figured that was made for you.
But all you really want is something that rings of your unique personality, maybe something more than just a six pack of generic beer from your flatmates. And that special football jersey you got last year? The one of that team that you don’t care that much about? The one with the name of that player that now plays somewhere else? Let’s not talk about that.
Instead, why not just give them this list of some awesome gifts inspired by pop culture which are not actually useless? I’m not talking about all the cheap toys made in China, labelled ‘collector’s item’ and then marked up 1000%. I’m writing about those products that have broken the fifth wall of realism, props that were made real in a fictional universe then thanks to a ripple in space-time, became meta in this universe. Products that could be used in everyday life that non-fans might not glance twice at but those in the know will bow at your presence when you appear sporting one of these fine bits of retro pop culture history.
TL;DR; The Ultimate Guy Birthday or Christmas Wish List for gifts that are practical, somewhat subtle and unique. Nothing made of plastic or wasn't originally at first a prop on a movie/TV show before it was moved into mass productions because someone found out someone like you would buy it.
Also blood resistant for laundry days.
1) The Charlestown Chiefs Hockey Sweater
If you know someone into hockey (or don’t), this is a must. An authentic jersey of the fictional Charlestown Chiefs, in either home or away choices. The person who owns this will automatically be expected to be able to talk about Slapshot, the greatest hockey movie of all time which came out nearly 40 years ago. I’m not going to describe why this movie is so great as anyone who is into hockey will know what i’m talking about. For extra bonus points, embroider the name “Hanson” on the back with either 16,17, or 18. Trust me, no hockey fan will be ashamed to ever wear this out in public.
it’s got electrolytes!
2) A can of Brawndo, the Thirst Mutilator
From the movie Idiocracy, perhaps the most realistic sci fi movie of all time. This product comes from some enterprising fool who saw Mike Judge’s vision of the future and decided to capitalize on Brawndo’s eventual overthrow/purchase of the American FDA (food and drug administration). This unnamed entrepreneur went and actually developed, canned and marketed this tasty beverage which one assumes is chock-full of electrolytes and sure to be a hit sitting among that high-energy mountain dew chuggin’ nutbar on your list. Yes, you could also throw in a DVD of Idiocracy to boot.
Joke is on you, Westboro Baptist Church!
3) God Hates Us All by Hank Moody
For the more literate pop culture fan among you, their pretentious book case would not be complete without this little edition which was first mentioned on the brilliant and X-rated TV show Californication. Producers found that there was an increasing interest/demand to actually read the book that transplanted the perpetually horny and relationship-confused Hank Moody from New York to Hollywood in his quest to enter every vagina in Los Angeles.
While there was little demand for the fictional Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes movie adaptation, the book, a rather unremarkable ‘Catcher in the Rye’ imitation is the book that started it all and should be stressed was not actually written by Hank Moody aka David Duchonovy but rather a writer-for-hire named Jonathon Grotenstein.
‘Excuse me, have you seen my other ball?’
4) Wilson the Volleyball
Back when Tom Hanks was at the top of his A game, he decided to go all Eddie Murphy and star in a movie with no other distractions (ie. other actors). Yet unlike Murphy, Tom didn't create co-starring roles for himself and instead relied on creating a believable friendship with an inanimate object not named Kristen Stewart (zing!) , the volleyball he affectionately called Wilson in one of the most blatant but well-ingrained product placements ever.
Today, you can actually buy a ‘Wilson’ for your very own, complete with hand print. It's the ultimate ice-breaker for those who like to hang out on the beach and perhaps ‘accidentally’ spike volleyballs towards sun-bathing ladies who may admire your well-rounded movie sensibilities and crazy man beard.
There are the occasional bird strikes, however.
5) The General Lee
Yeee-haaa!!! This is the car that every boy born in the 70′s wanted. The biggest star of the Dukes of Hazzard, a show that created 3 of the greatest things ever for men; Daisy Duke shorts, Katy Perry’s career and The General Lee, a customized 1969 Chrysler Charger that can still be custom purchased today for as much as … well… you better hope you have some pretty wealthy friends/loved ones to make this inner child’s dream come true.
Guaranteed to turn heads at car shows everywhere and make grown men drool, this car is the ultimate gift for the man who laughs in the aerodynamic yet illogical face of the Batmobile and KITT with the yet to be invented ‘Turbo Boost’. For added realism go for the illegal but truth to the show welded doors version and the horn that plays the opening line of ‘Dixie’. Take plenty of jumps on the convenient mounds of dirt and construction crew ramps that are plentiful on back roads throughout everywhere The General Lee goes.
It’s a poster about nothing.
6) Kramer poster
Let’s get back to bank account reality with this retro piece. Admittedly, you can’t get much use out of a poster. It just hangs on the wall and basically advertises your like for a certain actor/director/movie/toy line. Yet, what if that poster were to be a mass reproduction that came to reality from one small episode of a TV show popular 20 years ago? There’s got to be some retro karma to that.
It’s also a great indication of where you are in a relationship with a woman – the further away from the bedroom it is, the more serious the relationship. If you find the Kramer in a yard sale, just nod silently in understanding to the sad man selling it and promise to give it a good home.
Great in parades and leading cops to raves.
7) Tron’s Light Cycle
This is the only thing on the list that may not be considered totally ‘practical’ but then again, look at it. It’s a custom-made electric bike that will make you the envy of science fiction geeks and their little brothers everywhere. It’s street legal (country permitting) and while it can’t do those sharp right angle turns, it can light up in all the right places and is guaranteed to turn heads, with only a slight percentage of those people knowing where the bike originated from. It can be bought for under $10,000 USD, light up helmet optional.
I won’t bore you with the details of what makes this a great gift for that certain someone who has seen not only the original but Tron Legacy, other than they will think that this is the most amazing gift anyone ever got them and isn't that the point of gift-giving? To blow the crap out of everybody else’s gifts?
The real fun is turning it on.
8) The Leg Lamp
God help you cherish the person who knows you well enough to give you the best (or worst) Christmas themed present in movie history. The Leg Lamp is a symbol of a simpler time, when you could stick your tongue on a flag pole or ask for a rifle for Christmas without worrying about all the ethical obligations and concerns of potential mass murder (America only) such a request would entail, except that you might shoot your eye out.
The Leg Lamp is the gift that keeps on giving (especially as your significant other will continually try to give it away). This is a gift that denotes class, movie appreciation and of course, women legs. You could ask for two but then again, two leg lamps would be absolutely crazy.
For the friend who has everything
9) A Bubba Gump Shrimp Co Franchise
Now, for those millionaires among you that are just having troubles picking out the right shade of Ferrari to give to your underachieving son, why not just hand him the reins of a franchise that will teach him the responsibilities and difficulties it takes to run their own business?
Happy birthday, son – here’s a famous pop culture restaurant! Inspired by the aforementioned Tom Hanks’ movie Forrest Gump, the lore of the beginnings of the Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. is steeped in Vietnam, low IQ’s, friendship and bullshit. Yet, in the right hands it is a money maker of epic proportions for the individual so inclined to be prepared to listen daily to Forrest Gump quotes, continual comments on how life is like a box of chocolates and questions why you don’t sell any?
Plus, it comes with a bar and servants. I mean, staff.
Plus, you can put your weed in there…
10) The Anonymous mask
Finally, for those socially conscious friends and family, the ones that are always willing to have a discussion at the dinner table over equal rights, banking fraud and the crushing economic impact of their student loans, the Anonymous mask makes for a great gift, springing right from the pages of the graphic novel to your door via FEDEX.
Featured prominently in the little heard of Occupy Wall Street movement, the movie V for Vendetta and innumerable riots and protests, not only does it firmly establish the owner’s wish for a socialist new world order it also makes for a great accessory in protecting job security and family privacy when wearing it to the next peaceful demonstration. Or you can just hang it on your wall above your Playstation. Whatever works.
As an added bonus, you can ironically point out that Time Warner owns the rights to the mask’s image but because it was a gift, you don’t feel the least bit of a hyprocrite, guy fawkes.
Let’s face the selfish facts. Only you know what you truly want. Perhaps you are tired of getting another new ‘collectable action figure’ from a series you never cared for but someone thought you did because they guessed you were into The Avengers, because everyone else in the world is and they just went to the mall and found the most popular item on display and figured that was made for you.
But all you really want is something that rings of your unique personality, maybe something more than just a six pack of generic beer from your flatmates. And that special football jersey you got last year? The one of that team that you don’t care that much about? The one with the name of that player that now plays somewhere else? Let’s not talk about that.
Instead, why not just give them this list of some awesome gifts inspired by pop culture which are not actually useless? I’m not talking about all the cheap toys made in China, labelled ‘collector’s item’ and then marked up 1000%. I’m writing about those products that have broken the fifth wall of realism, props that were made real in a fictional universe then thanks to a ripple in space-time, became meta in this universe. Products that could be used in everyday life that non-fans might not glance twice at but those in the know will bow at your presence when you appear sporting one of these fine bits of retro pop culture history.
TL;DR; The Ultimate Guy Birthday or Christmas Wish List for gifts that are practical, somewhat subtle and unique. Nothing made of plastic or wasn't originally at first a prop on a movie/TV show before it was moved into mass productions because someone found out someone like you would buy it.
Also blood resistant for laundry days.1) The Charlestown Chiefs Hockey Sweater
If you know someone into hockey (or don’t), this is a must. An authentic jersey of the fictional Charlestown Chiefs, in either home or away choices. The person who owns this will automatically be expected to be able to talk about Slapshot, the greatest hockey movie of all time which came out nearly 40 years ago. I’m not going to describe why this movie is so great as anyone who is into hockey will know what i’m talking about. For extra bonus points, embroider the name “Hanson” on the back with either 16,17, or 18. Trust me, no hockey fan will be ashamed to ever wear this out in public.
it’s got electrolytes!2) A can of Brawndo, the Thirst Mutilator
From the movie Idiocracy, perhaps the most realistic sci fi movie of all time. This product comes from some enterprising fool who saw Mike Judge’s vision of the future and decided to capitalize on Brawndo’s eventual overthrow/purchase of the American FDA (food and drug administration). This unnamed entrepreneur went and actually developed, canned and marketed this tasty beverage which one assumes is chock-full of electrolytes and sure to be a hit sitting among that high-energy mountain dew chuggin’ nutbar on your list. Yes, you could also throw in a DVD of Idiocracy to boot.
Joke is on you, Westboro Baptist Church!3) God Hates Us All by Hank Moody
For the more literate pop culture fan among you, their pretentious book case would not be complete without this little edition which was first mentioned on the brilliant and X-rated TV show Californication. Producers found that there was an increasing interest/demand to actually read the book that transplanted the perpetually horny and relationship-confused Hank Moody from New York to Hollywood in his quest to enter every vagina in Los Angeles.
While there was little demand for the fictional Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes movie adaptation, the book, a rather unremarkable ‘Catcher in the Rye’ imitation is the book that started it all and should be stressed was not actually written by Hank Moody aka David Duchonovy but rather a writer-for-hire named Jonathon Grotenstein.
‘Excuse me, have you seen my other ball?’4) Wilson the Volleyball
Back when Tom Hanks was at the top of his A game, he decided to go all Eddie Murphy and star in a movie with no other distractions (ie. other actors). Yet unlike Murphy, Tom didn't create co-starring roles for himself and instead relied on creating a believable friendship with an inanimate object not named Kristen Stewart (zing!) , the volleyball he affectionately called Wilson in one of the most blatant but well-ingrained product placements ever.
Today, you can actually buy a ‘Wilson’ for your very own, complete with hand print. It's the ultimate ice-breaker for those who like to hang out on the beach and perhaps ‘accidentally’ spike volleyballs towards sun-bathing ladies who may admire your well-rounded movie sensibilities and crazy man beard.
There are the occasional bird strikes, however.5) The General Lee
Yeee-haaa!!! This is the car that every boy born in the 70′s wanted. The biggest star of the Dukes of Hazzard, a show that created 3 of the greatest things ever for men; Daisy Duke shorts, Katy Perry’s career and The General Lee, a customized 1969 Chrysler Charger that can still be custom purchased today for as much as … well… you better hope you have some pretty wealthy friends/loved ones to make this inner child’s dream come true.
Guaranteed to turn heads at car shows everywhere and make grown men drool, this car is the ultimate gift for the man who laughs in the aerodynamic yet illogical face of the Batmobile and KITT with the yet to be invented ‘Turbo Boost’. For added realism go for the illegal but truth to the show welded doors version and the horn that plays the opening line of ‘Dixie’. Take plenty of jumps on the convenient mounds of dirt and construction crew ramps that are plentiful on back roads throughout everywhere The General Lee goes.
It’s a poster about nothing.6) Kramer poster
Let’s get back to bank account reality with this retro piece. Admittedly, you can’t get much use out of a poster. It just hangs on the wall and basically advertises your like for a certain actor/director/movie/toy line. Yet, what if that poster were to be a mass reproduction that came to reality from one small episode of a TV show popular 20 years ago? There’s got to be some retro karma to that.
It’s also a great indication of where you are in a relationship with a woman – the further away from the bedroom it is, the more serious the relationship. If you find the Kramer in a yard sale, just nod silently in understanding to the sad man selling it and promise to give it a good home.
Great in parades and leading cops to raves.7) Tron’s Light Cycle
This is the only thing on the list that may not be considered totally ‘practical’ but then again, look at it. It’s a custom-made electric bike that will make you the envy of science fiction geeks and their little brothers everywhere. It’s street legal (country permitting) and while it can’t do those sharp right angle turns, it can light up in all the right places and is guaranteed to turn heads, with only a slight percentage of those people knowing where the bike originated from. It can be bought for under $10,000 USD, light up helmet optional.
I won’t bore you with the details of what makes this a great gift for that certain someone who has seen not only the original but Tron Legacy, other than they will think that this is the most amazing gift anyone ever got them and isn't that the point of gift-giving? To blow the crap out of everybody else’s gifts?
The real fun is turning it on.8) The Leg Lamp
God help you cherish the person who knows you well enough to give you the best (or worst) Christmas themed present in movie history. The Leg Lamp is a symbol of a simpler time, when you could stick your tongue on a flag pole or ask for a rifle for Christmas without worrying about all the ethical obligations and concerns of potential mass murder (America only) such a request would entail, except that you might shoot your eye out.
The Leg Lamp is the gift that keeps on giving (especially as your significant other will continually try to give it away). This is a gift that denotes class, movie appreciation and of course, women legs. You could ask for two but then again, two leg lamps would be absolutely crazy.
For the friend who has everything
9) A Bubba Gump Shrimp Co Franchise
Now, for those millionaires among you that are just having troubles picking out the right shade of Ferrari to give to your underachieving son, why not just hand him the reins of a franchise that will teach him the responsibilities and difficulties it takes to run their own business?
Happy birthday, son – here’s a famous pop culture restaurant! Inspired by the aforementioned Tom Hanks’ movie Forrest Gump, the lore of the beginnings of the Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. is steeped in Vietnam, low IQ’s, friendship and bullshit. Yet, in the right hands it is a money maker of epic proportions for the individual so inclined to be prepared to listen daily to Forrest Gump quotes, continual comments on how life is like a box of chocolates and questions why you don’t sell any?
Plus, it comes with a bar and servants. I mean, staff.
Plus, you can put your weed in there…10) The Anonymous mask
Finally, for those socially conscious friends and family, the ones that are always willing to have a discussion at the dinner table over equal rights, banking fraud and the crushing economic impact of their student loans, the Anonymous mask makes for a great gift, springing right from the pages of the graphic novel to your door via FEDEX.
Featured prominently in the little heard of Occupy Wall Street movement, the movie V for Vendetta and innumerable riots and protests, not only does it firmly establish the owner’s wish for a socialist new world order it also makes for a great accessory in protecting job security and family privacy when wearing it to the next peaceful demonstration. Or you can just hang it on your wall above your Playstation. Whatever works.
As an added bonus, you can ironically point out that Time Warner owns the rights to the mask’s image but because it was a gift, you don’t feel the least bit of a hyprocrite, guy fawkes.
December 11, 2014
Re-branding Ogie...
So after another month of Nanowrimo and celebrating the upload of my 1st novel for the 2nd time to Amazon (obligatory promo post to follow soon) I've been reading up a little on how to be more pro-active in the self-marketing side of things so i can start preparing to be an isolated misunderstood genius once the masses discover me and find out Karmajuana is a thing, not just a plot device.
It's nearing time for me to let go of the safe cloak of anonymity that Ogie provides. As you can see I've started leaving a few clues around (like that big one to the right there). Now it's time to once again re-educate myself on blogging layouts and all that shit. Create an About Me page, more obvious links to the books, along with some complimentary reviews.
I will probably learn how to create pages so if you are interested in certain subjects that I write about, such as hockey or current events, you can just jump to that.
I'm guessing. I don't really know how that works yet.
I'd rather stick to the writing; I found my old journals and would love to mine those for any worthy gems that make me smile. But I guess as someone once said, it's best to look forward instead of back. I think that was Ricky Bobby...
My fan awaits...
It's nearing time for me to let go of the safe cloak of anonymity that Ogie provides. As you can see I've started leaving a few clues around (like that big one to the right there). Now it's time to once again re-educate myself on blogging layouts and all that shit. Create an About Me page, more obvious links to the books, along with some complimentary reviews.
I will probably learn how to create pages so if you are interested in certain subjects that I write about, such as hockey or current events, you can just jump to that.
I'm guessing. I don't really know how that works yet.
I'd rather stick to the writing; I found my old journals and would love to mine those for any worthy gems that make me smile. But I guess as someone once said, it's best to look forward instead of back. I think that was Ricky Bobby...
My fan awaits...Divide and Conquer - A venting of No Proportions...2 months later
(warning- this blog is not discussing hockey or fatherhood in any way, just a need to vent. If you prefer regular Ogie, perhaps ignore this one...)
"There's something wrong with the world today, I don't know what it is."
-Livin' On The Edge -Stephen Tyler/Aerosmith, 1993
First, that was over 20 fucking years ago and if Ogie ever invents a Time Machine, I'm going to head back to 1993, track down Stephen Tyler and re-introduce him to a certain Canadian band called BTO (or Bachman Turner Overdrive) who wrote the aptly named, 'You Ain't Seen Nothing Yet' which was also 20+ years (1974) before Livin' On the Edge, back in the time when Aerosmith was busy doing tons of heroin. I'd also tell Tyler to wear some fucking pants in this video and also in 20 years he will lose all credibility of anything he did in the past when he appears on American Idol looking like a creepy Lesbian cabaret singer.
I admit I don't know how to write a song, I'd make too much use of the nananananana's to have it ever go down in the history of 'literary song-writing' a la Leonard Cohen but still for a guy that sings 'Dude Looks Like A Lady, Tyler got it right. There's still something wrong with the world today.
But it's been wrong for a really, really long time. For those of you over 40, you are lucky enough to have been born in a time of social ignorance yet are hopefully old and wise enough now to see how you were socially manipulated into seeing not what is integrally right but what is socially important to agree is right and are teaching your kids it's okay to disagree with authority and in fact, in this day and age it should be expected. Authority isn't always right. It's a tool used by others who decide what is right and it's not for the common good. Occupy Wall Street is becoming a fading memory as other more important ideals and stories are deemed more vital for the public good as opposed to what OWS is about.
This rant is precipitated by the slayings of 3 Moncton RCMP officers yesterday and the media manipulation that has followed it. While to most anyone who has watched enough cop procedural / psychology shows it is pretty obvious that First, the shooter Justin Bourque has a problem with authority. The ones he murdered weren't people to him, they were symbols of an unjust authority. The biggest fear that authority has is the 'copy-cat' assailant (as per Criminal Minds), someone who will take encouragement and courage from what said murderer did and strike in the same way. Decades ago, studies concluded that mass media reporting on suicide significantly increased the likelihood of more suicides and in a rare mass editorial decision that was deemed best for humanity, most media has stopped reporting suicides unless there is some 'special or extenuating circumstances'. So in an effort to prevent a wave of 'rationalized' cop-killing, decisions made by major news sources in regards to the Moncton murders were first to 'personalize' the victims; they weren't symbols of authority, they were family men first. They weren't cops first, they were people first. Monctonites were told to stay indoors as Bourque was perceived to be dangerous to 'people' and not just to 'cops'. Those RCMP members were people too, if he would only pick up a newspaper.
But to Bourque, they weren't. They were their uniform, their job, symbols of a (to him) repressive mindless regime that wanted to take away his freedoms (and guns). Or not. Maybe he knew them personally and had a vendetta of another reason which is doubtful. Maybe he was raped by a cop when he was a child or had an abusive father. Who knows?
Whatever the case shooting anyone is wrong; Bourque definitely wasn't wired correctly when he came out of the womb or perhaps he was. Maybe he just broke from the system, pulled back the curtain and found no Great Wizard, only him, much like those young men in California, Sandy Hook and Aurora. He isn't the first mass murderer in Canada, nor is he one of the few. While we are no US of A when it comes to psychos but when it comes to gay diabetic sadomasochistic pedophile couples, we have more than enough. But stories such as this, and especially the reasons why there are stories like this get swept quickly out of the public eye so that we can carry on with what we should care about; not a broken social structure, the growing rift between rich and poor, the Americanization of our natural resources and industries but being the best in the world at hockey.
I live in British Columbia, Canada - home of the second-worst cursed hockey team in the NHL, the Canucks. Second only to the Toronto Maple Leafs, a team and city that Vancouver feels inadequate yet superior to, much like a banana smoothie ordered beside an all-wheat bran smoothie.
The two major issues in our province right now is something called The Northern Gateway and the BC Teachers Job Action/Dispute. There is also something slightly under the radar called the Kinder Morgan TransMountain pipeline. The only reason why these are major issues is because the majority of the people in BC oppose the pipelines or support the teachers. Yet, the Liberal Government who was surprisingly re-elected last year after being down in the 'poll's by double digits seem tone-deaf to the concerns of the people who elected them.
Let's look at the two issues and see if I can relate it to Aerosmith and BTO and public perceptions and politics.
First the Northern Gateway. It's a proposal to build a pipeline to take crude oil from Alberta and transport it to the harbour of Kitimat, where it will be loaded onto tankers that will then take it to China or Texas to be refined into petroleum on behalf of foreign corporations who will then sell that oil back to us in the form of gasoline. It's being heavily advertised on television and other social media. A soft, understanding voice speaks over imagery of BC's forests and coastlines of how Enbridge is working to ensure that the 200+ requirements the Liberal Government requested are met. The latest is that they are saying is that the pipeline will created 560 PERMANENT jobs in BC. That's about how many new teachers and support staff the BC Teachers would like, but I will speak of that later.
The ongoing praise and advertising campaigns going on supporting the Northern Gateway makes one even question why there is an issue or two with it. The media diligently 'reports' on demonstrations, makes a small comment or two perhaps supporting the Northern Gateway but in no way can any of the major media outlets in today's social media world be expected to 'champion' one side or the other. Enbridge is paying a lot in print and television advertising. Ironically enough, that BTO video was preceded by that Enbridge commercial. Who uses Youtube? Young people. Who doesn't want the Northern Gateway? Young and Old People. Divide and Conquer.
What would it say if those same papers and channels came out and said No to Enbridge money? What would have happened if Christy Clark's Liberal election team said no to the oil and gas corporations donations? Sadly, on what was a surprisingly equal playing field (as the NDP also received equatable donations when it appeared they were going to win as everyone likes to back a winner) the NDP decided to play fair, avoided discussing the repeal of the HST, the continuing cuts to education and health care and wound up getting their asses kicked.
Point was, Clark and the liberals bought that election on the promise of seeing the Northern Gateway to completion. It has to happen. No matter how much arguing and demonstrations are held, it's all for show. The decision was made by a majority of voters in 2013.
As for the Teachers? Well, who doesn't want their kids to go to a class with thirty other kids with a couple of high needs kids, spitting, sitting and moaning in the back corner with their special assistants? Who doesn't want their children to learn so little that in ten years, parents will look to American-owned private schools to give their children a well-rounded and Americanized education on the evils of the Canadian socialistic way of democracy?
But i'm tired... maybe that rant will be for another time.
"There's something wrong with the world today, I don't know what it is."
-Livin' On The Edge -Stephen Tyler/Aerosmith, 1993
First, that was over 20 fucking years ago and if Ogie ever invents a Time Machine, I'm going to head back to 1993, track down Stephen Tyler and re-introduce him to a certain Canadian band called BTO (or Bachman Turner Overdrive) who wrote the aptly named, 'You Ain't Seen Nothing Yet' which was also 20+ years (1974) before Livin' On the Edge, back in the time when Aerosmith was busy doing tons of heroin. I'd also tell Tyler to wear some fucking pants in this video and also in 20 years he will lose all credibility of anything he did in the past when he appears on American Idol looking like a creepy Lesbian cabaret singer.
I admit I don't know how to write a song, I'd make too much use of the nananananana's to have it ever go down in the history of 'literary song-writing' a la Leonard Cohen but still for a guy that sings 'Dude Looks Like A Lady, Tyler got it right. There's still something wrong with the world today.
But it's been wrong for a really, really long time. For those of you over 40, you are lucky enough to have been born in a time of social ignorance yet are hopefully old and wise enough now to see how you were socially manipulated into seeing not what is integrally right but what is socially important to agree is right and are teaching your kids it's okay to disagree with authority and in fact, in this day and age it should be expected. Authority isn't always right. It's a tool used by others who decide what is right and it's not for the common good. Occupy Wall Street is becoming a fading memory as other more important ideals and stories are deemed more vital for the public good as opposed to what OWS is about.
This rant is precipitated by the slayings of 3 Moncton RCMP officers yesterday and the media manipulation that has followed it. While to most anyone who has watched enough cop procedural / psychology shows it is pretty obvious that First, the shooter Justin Bourque has a problem with authority. The ones he murdered weren't people to him, they were symbols of an unjust authority. The biggest fear that authority has is the 'copy-cat' assailant (as per Criminal Minds), someone who will take encouragement and courage from what said murderer did and strike in the same way. Decades ago, studies concluded that mass media reporting on suicide significantly increased the likelihood of more suicides and in a rare mass editorial decision that was deemed best for humanity, most media has stopped reporting suicides unless there is some 'special or extenuating circumstances'. So in an effort to prevent a wave of 'rationalized' cop-killing, decisions made by major news sources in regards to the Moncton murders were first to 'personalize' the victims; they weren't symbols of authority, they were family men first. They weren't cops first, they were people first. Monctonites were told to stay indoors as Bourque was perceived to be dangerous to 'people' and not just to 'cops'. Those RCMP members were people too, if he would only pick up a newspaper.
But to Bourque, they weren't. They were their uniform, their job, symbols of a (to him) repressive mindless regime that wanted to take away his freedoms (and guns). Or not. Maybe he knew them personally and had a vendetta of another reason which is doubtful. Maybe he was raped by a cop when he was a child or had an abusive father. Who knows?
Whatever the case shooting anyone is wrong; Bourque definitely wasn't wired correctly when he came out of the womb or perhaps he was. Maybe he just broke from the system, pulled back the curtain and found no Great Wizard, only him, much like those young men in California, Sandy Hook and Aurora. He isn't the first mass murderer in Canada, nor is he one of the few. While we are no US of A when it comes to psychos but when it comes to gay diabetic sadomasochistic pedophile couples, we have more than enough. But stories such as this, and especially the reasons why there are stories like this get swept quickly out of the public eye so that we can carry on with what we should care about; not a broken social structure, the growing rift between rich and poor, the Americanization of our natural resources and industries but being the best in the world at hockey.
I live in British Columbia, Canada - home of the second-worst cursed hockey team in the NHL, the Canucks. Second only to the Toronto Maple Leafs, a team and city that Vancouver feels inadequate yet superior to, much like a banana smoothie ordered beside an all-wheat bran smoothie.
The two major issues in our province right now is something called The Northern Gateway and the BC Teachers Job Action/Dispute. There is also something slightly under the radar called the Kinder Morgan TransMountain pipeline. The only reason why these are major issues is because the majority of the people in BC oppose the pipelines or support the teachers. Yet, the Liberal Government who was surprisingly re-elected last year after being down in the 'poll's by double digits seem tone-deaf to the concerns of the people who elected them.
Let's look at the two issues and see if I can relate it to Aerosmith and BTO and public perceptions and politics.
First the Northern Gateway. It's a proposal to build a pipeline to take crude oil from Alberta and transport it to the harbour of Kitimat, where it will be loaded onto tankers that will then take it to China or Texas to be refined into petroleum on behalf of foreign corporations who will then sell that oil back to us in the form of gasoline. It's being heavily advertised on television and other social media. A soft, understanding voice speaks over imagery of BC's forests and coastlines of how Enbridge is working to ensure that the 200+ requirements the Liberal Government requested are met. The latest is that they are saying is that the pipeline will created 560 PERMANENT jobs in BC. That's about how many new teachers and support staff the BC Teachers would like, but I will speak of that later.
The ongoing praise and advertising campaigns going on supporting the Northern Gateway makes one even question why there is an issue or two with it. The media diligently 'reports' on demonstrations, makes a small comment or two perhaps supporting the Northern Gateway but in no way can any of the major media outlets in today's social media world be expected to 'champion' one side or the other. Enbridge is paying a lot in print and television advertising. Ironically enough, that BTO video was preceded by that Enbridge commercial. Who uses Youtube? Young people. Who doesn't want the Northern Gateway? Young and Old People. Divide and Conquer.
What would it say if those same papers and channels came out and said No to Enbridge money? What would have happened if Christy Clark's Liberal election team said no to the oil and gas corporations donations? Sadly, on what was a surprisingly equal playing field (as the NDP also received equatable donations when it appeared they were going to win as everyone likes to back a winner) the NDP decided to play fair, avoided discussing the repeal of the HST, the continuing cuts to education and health care and wound up getting their asses kicked.
Point was, Clark and the liberals bought that election on the promise of seeing the Northern Gateway to completion. It has to happen. No matter how much arguing and demonstrations are held, it's all for show. The decision was made by a majority of voters in 2013.
As for the Teachers? Well, who doesn't want their kids to go to a class with thirty other kids with a couple of high needs kids, spitting, sitting and moaning in the back corner with their special assistants? Who doesn't want their children to learn so little that in ten years, parents will look to American-owned private schools to give their children a well-rounded and Americanized education on the evils of the Canadian socialistic way of democracy?
But i'm tired... maybe that rant will be for another time.
November 28, 2014
9 iconic movie masks
Masks. Who doesn't love them? Besides the cops, I mean. And bank tellers. And security cameras. Ok, well basically, anybody involved in law enforcement or against the redistribution of wealth. But without masks, who are we? Just a bunch of drunken college and university students out for a good time and in need of some cool refreshments via water cannons or machete-wielding harbingers of doom that will tear out your liver in an attempt to quell an insatiable blood-lust?
Masks are iconic symbols of a world that demands accountability. They provide a sense of security and shelter for those that feel their needs might just be greater than the needs of the common good, despite what the common good believe. Plus, if you are seriously grotesque it gives people something to remember you by. Would you rather be remembered as ‘that guy with no face’ or ‘that guy with the mask’? No question about it. Masks are cool, they define who we are or who we want to be and people can make a killing (literally and figuratively) wearing or selling them.
Here are 9 masks made famous through cinema.
Note: This list does not take into account the actual movie Mask, which was about a disfigured boy who had Cher as a mother, nor is it contain iconic super hero masks such as Batman’s and Spider-Man’s, due to their original popularity coming through comics and children playing dress-up.
9. Scream Mask
Ah, scream ghoul mask, what would Halloween nowadays be without you? You provide a staple necessity to teens who want to put in as little effort as possible for Halloween and hide the fact that they are probably too old to be trick or treating anymore. Especially great for you and a friend to torment the cool kids late at night, that Scream Mask has been around since its reveal in 1996 and has been made available in dollar stores throughout the world since Halloween of that year.
But really, who is scared of you anymore? Even Neve Campbell has accepted her mother’s wanton sexual past and moved on. You were even once worn by an orangutan. Now every time I see you, I think, “Pimply teenager or adorable ape?”
8. Halloween Mask
I nearly referred to this as that Mike Myers mask but I would have risked the ire of the Mike Myers fan club who would point out that the famous Austin Powers actor wore little to no masks in his role as the shagadelic super-spy and they weren’t especially iconic ones at that.I am referring to the other Mike Myers, who despite his need to kill a young, nubile Jamie Lee Curtis way back in 1978, was still able to find the time to spray paint a William Shatner/Captain Kirk mask white, giving him that much needed anonymity he was craving back when he was just a young knife-wielding maniac with a dream, about to start his first killing spree.
7. Leatherface Mask
So you are thinking maybe you should just make your own mask, save on going out to track one down at the local costume shop in the sketchy part of town. Maybe you live way out in the middle of Butthole, Nowhere and looking to just have something for people to remember you by as you chase them around your house with a chainsaw.
There was one large man from Butthole, Texas who thought the same thing and taking advantage of what meager supplies he had (dead people) and his basic understanding of taxidermy and sewing, was able to create a mask so iconic that it became his name, Leatherface. Despite its lack of Scream ghoul or Jason goalie mask popularity, when people see a mask composed of human skin, they know they are dealing with a complete nutjob,
6. Jason Mask
Speaking of Jason hiding behind his goalie mask, here we are at number 6. Poor Jason – so misunderstood with the unfortunate death of your mother, the unfortunate death of yourself as a child while those young camp counselors fornicated and smoked dope while you drowned. So much anger to resolve. No wonder you hide behind a mask.
Not to mention how you have been killed with a machete, an axe, resurrected via lightning, again killed by a machete, exploded, strangled via motorboat, been literally placed in a wood chipper, submerged in toxic waste, incinerated by Earth’s atmosphere, pulled down into Hell and back, fought another iconic serial killer in your dreams, been electrocuted, and basically shunned by everybody you tried to meet in a social setting.
You brought hockey masks to the mainstream, although many failed to grasp that not all hockey players wore that type of mask. Nor were they made out of cheap glow in the dark plastic. But it made for a good cheap costume and you got to cover your overalls in blood while wielding a machete. That’s cool. Now go give someone a hug.
5. Dread Pirate Roberts Mask
By now you were probably thinking that masks were worn only by mass murderers with severe mortality issues. Not so. Many a romantic has also chosen to hide behind a mask. Not because they were burnt by acid or something like that, but just because they were terribly comfortable and that you thought one day all people would be wearing them.
So it was with the Dread Pirate Roberts who as we all should know by now was not really that dreadful or named Roberts. While sometimes confused with his Latino cousin, Zorro, who also ran around in all black, saving damsels in distress, the Dread Pirate Roberts used his mask to hunt down his Princess Bride/true love and save her from a conflicted trio of bad guys, then take her sightseeing, throw a massive guilt trip on her about getting married and in the end do it all over again, without the mask.
4. The Mask Mask
Stanley Ipkiss. Who knew that beneath that gangly, bank-exterior exterior lay the insane man of comic proportions and Shakira-esque hips that defied you to say that they lie? Not until that odd piece of ceremonial wood entered your life were you ever to entertain the idea that you would one day confidently wear a yellow zoot suit out in public, make out with Cameron Diaz and be able to make your eyes pop out of your head while wolf-whistling.
Your mask coined catchphrases such as ‘SSSSSSSmoking!’, ‘That’s a Spicy Meatball!’ and ‘Somebody Stop Me!’ although you obviously didn't really mean it. You were allowed to bring your innermost desires to life, as well as your dog’s which is admittedly pretty cool. Many tried to emulate you in the coming years, but none could get that exact recipe of zaniness and hue of green correct, much less find a yellow zoot suit and matching fedora that fit so well.
3. The Phantom of the Opera Mask
Now to go all culturally significant on your reading eyeballs. Yes, the Phantom of the Opera was a book at one time, also probably an opera. I mean, look at the title, it practically writes itself. Yet, it wasn’t until Lon Chaney put on that half piece of porcelain/plastic back in 1925 in one of the first ‘cultural’ masterpieces of horror did your iconism really take off with the general public.
Your opera mask has been worn by misunderstood romantics throughout the century who also happened to have been facially disfigured but still retain a love for music. Plus, you give people an excuse to wear tuxedos and capes together without coming across as ‘out of touch’. And let’s not forget those lazy teens on a limited budget that thought they were getting a Jason mask for a great deal.
2. Darth Vader Mask
“Darth Vader? That wasn't a mask, that was a helmet!” one might argue. Others might argue why the hell is it only at #2? Probably you just did. It could be counter-argued that Darth Vader wore more than just a helmet, just as in the end, Boba Fett was more than just some giant sand-worm’s appetizer. Darth’s helmet/mask allowed him to be who he was, which was the mask, which was him.
It all makes perfect subtext in a pretty standard George Lucas non-subtextual way. Nobody goes around comic-cons or standing outside movie theaters in line for re-releases looking like Annakin Skywalker revealed because, let’s face it, that was ugly. Darth’s mask brought terror into all those that gazed upon it with its soulless black eyes, it’s black mouth-grill and its shades of black transposed with other shades of black to create the most iconic science fiction mask of all time.
Plus, it makes for a bitchin’ piggy bank.
1. That Guy Fawkes Mask
Ah, Guy Fawkes. Who would have thought that during the low point of your mythology you would be reduced to a nursery rhyme that was popular only on one island country with its own identity issues?
But thanks to a set of American film-making brothers, an Israeli-born Natalie Portman willing to shave her head, and the voice of New Zealand’s Hugo Weaving, your face has become the symbol of an elite click of cyber-super vigilantes that comb the world’s internet always willing to prove their powers over the powers (and people) that claim to be superior to the common good. Or not, depending on your media sources, but let’s not get into that.
Legislators in the world’s top countries have debated over making just the wearing of your mask out in public an illegal offense, punishable by jail. Despite your pale appearance and your colored cheek-bones and pencil-thin mustache only John Waters could love, you have become a symbol not only of a discontented generation but also of a world that is on the brink of something more than can be labelled, controlled and pacified by the current powers that be.
Your mask has become the symbol of something more, a symbol of an enlightened social consciousness that is not comfortable with the status quo, like a Keep Calm and Chive On flag pinned in your dorm room. And all you had to do was attempt to blow up one of England’s most iconic buildings centuries ago.
That's all... comments in the comments section, as per usual.
November 25, 2014
On this The Ferguson Trial Decision
so, i guess we are not supposed to 'shoot to kill'?
fuckin' busy tonight boys...Because 'normal (bullshit sensationalism)' media will focus on the reactive actions that happened when a US Grand Jury made up of 9 whites and 3 blacks decided not to lay ANY charges against Officer Darren Wilson for the shooting death of 18 year old Michael Brown and the truthiness of the Internet I will help spread the word on the Southern US's messed up justice system.
While I don't condone the riots, this has racial politics all over it. I think anyone with an elementary understanding of race/the South and politics understands there was going to be either a large riot (if no charges) or a small one (like a celebratory, smaller riot). The decision to not release a verdict until night was also a calculated move which isn't looking so good now, is it Mr. District Attorney/Governor Of Miss and others all having an opinion in the matter?
I found this site which gives an account of the officer's version of events. It's very opinionated so I've edited out the journalists' comments and even avoided putting in my own. We don't have the other side's version of the story because... well, he's dead.
At about noon on August 9th, Wilson hears on the radio that there's a theft in progress at the Ferguson Market. The suspect is a black male in a black shirt.Moments later, Wilson sees two young black men walking down the yellow stripe in the center of the street. He pulls over. "Hey guys, why don't you walk on the sidewalk?" They refuse. "We're almost at our destination," one of them replies. Wilson tries again. "But what's wrong with the sidewalk?" he asks.opinion omittedBrown's response to "what's wrong with the sidewalk?", as recorded by Wilson, is "fuck what you have to say." Remember, Wilson is a uniformed police officer, in a police car, and Brown is an 18-year-old kid who just committed a robbery. And when asked to use the sidewalk, Wilson says Brown replied, "Fuck what you have to say."Wilson backs his car up and begins to open the door. "Hey, come here," he said to the kid who just cursed at him. He says Brown replied, "What the fuck you gonna do?" And then Brown, in Wilson's telling, slams the car door closed. Wilson tries to open the door again, tells Brown to get back, and then Brown leans into the vehicle and begins punching him.opinion omitted"I was doing the, just scrambling, trying to get his arms out of my face and him from grabbing me and everything else. He turned to his...if he's at my vehicle, he turned to his left and handed the first subject. He said, "here, take these." He was holding a pack of — several packs of cigarillos which was just, what was stolen from the Market Store was several packs of cigarillos. He said, "here, hold these" and when he did that I grabbed his right arm trying just to control something at that point. Um, as I was holding it, and he came around, he came around with his arm extended, fist made, and went like that straight at my face with his...a full swing from his left hand."opinion omittedWilson next recounts his thought process as he reached for a weapon. He considered using his mace, but at such close range, the mace might get in his eyes, too. He doesn't carry a taser with a fireable cartridge, but even if he did, "it probably wouldn't have hit [Brown] anywhere". Wilson couldn't reach his baton or his flashlight. So he went for his gun.Brown sees him go for the gun. And he replies: "You're too much of a fucking pussy to shoot me."opinion omittedAnd then Brown grabs Wilson's gun, twists it, and points it at Wilson's "pelvic area". Wilson regains control of the firearm and gets off a shot, shattering the glass. Brown backs up a half step and, realizing he's unharmed, dives back into the car to attack Wilson. Wilson fires again, and then Brown takes off running. Wilson exits the car to give chase. He yells at Brown to get down on the ground."When he stopped, he turned, looked at me, made like a grunting noise and had the most intense, aggressive face I've ever seen on a person. When he looked at me, he then did like the hop...you know, like people do to start running. And, he started running at me. During his first stride, he took his right hand put it under his shirt into his waistband. And I ordered him to stop and get on the ground again. He didn't. I fired multiple shots. After I fired the multiple shots, I paused a second, yelled at him to get on the ground again, he was still in the same state. Still charging, hand still in his waistband, hadn't slowed down."opinion omittedEither way, at that point, Wilson shoots again, and kills Brown.And that is his version of events. Here are pictures of the officer and his injuries
But the emotional trauma...Here's a picture of Michael Brown and his injuries and where he lay for four hours before being put in a black SUV, not an ambulance.
he's just sleeping and spilled his cream soda slurpeeNovember 21, 2014
On this Sexual Assault bullshit
Regarding Jian Ghomeshi and Bill Cosby's recent troubles for their dating history... sexual assault is very serious. I get that, when i hear sexual assault i think rape. I honestly don't think 'sexy, open-handed slap' as per Sean Connery but this media crucifixion both in Canada and the US is going overboard. It's not even 'she said/he said', it's all 'she said'. There's no physical evidence, only one-sided memories. Men can't give their sides of the story and that sucks. I haven't read that Jian or Bill forcefully penetrated anyone. I've heard they've given money or favours in return for sexual wants (as per the women) but i haven't heard any of these women say why they continued to see their alleged assaulter after the initial physical violence.
I know it's unpopular but it's also unjust. I don't know what the statute of limitations is on these matters but if you've waited a decade to report it, it either was A) so emotionally traumatizing you couldn't speak about it or B) not that big of a deal, in your overall mental state.
If you have a relationship with the alleged for years, took money from him for years doesn't make you a victim, it makes you a whore.
If you give the alleged a blowjob in return for a job interview, doesn't make you a victim, it makes you an opportunist who tried to short cut her way to success.
If you go out with the alleged AFTER you've been sexually assaulted, your accusations lose a lot of credibility.
If you are Janice Dickinson you are a media-hungry ex-drug addict that nobody should ever take seriously.
If you bought or read 50 Shades of Grey or can't wait to see the movie then you are part of the problem.
If you walk around with your tits hanging out, demanding to be taken seriously, you won't be.
That's all. We now return to our regular scheduled programming.
November 17, 2014
From the History Files - The 2013 NHL intro for Brits
(ok, back in the day, being 2012-13 season, I wrote this and got it published somewhere online. I'm busy with the Nanowrimo thinger going on but in the meantime, enjoy this piece of history)
Looking to widen your sports knowledge to something outside of the local football league? Perhaps you are looking to butter up those Canadian tourists that wandered into your bar and will tend to tip way too much if someone mentions hockey around them. Whatever your reasons, welcome home.Last year I started submitting some posts to WhatCulture about the NHL, voted by 3o million Canadians, 54 Swedes, and Danny Taylor of Plymouth, England as being THE #1 hockey league in the world. The NHL stands to begin it's 94th year of play (give or take) next month. And this year is no different as there is much excitement in the maple syrup-flavoured air, hockey-stank excitement. Nobody in Canada has been this excited about the NHL starting up since last season when it finally began after another epic Lock-Out, which will be discussed later.In what went down as the greatest Stanley Cup Finals ever played since 2012, the Chicago Blackhawks stunned the Boston Bruins with 2 goals in the final 90 seconds in Game 6 to clinch hockey's greatest trophy. It was karmic retaliation of sorts, for the Bruins had earlier made the biggest comeback in history to defeat the Toronto Maple Leafs in Game 7 of a playoff series earlier which everybody outside of Toronto found hilarious. If none of that made any sense to you, welcome to...WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW OF THE NHL AS A NON-FAN;All you need to know is this; The NHL is crazy. There is nothing rational about it, either on the ice or off. It was the subject of the greatest sports movie ever made, and has some of the best haircuts ever. It once had two players that dominated the sport like no other athlete has ever dominated a sport yet they played at the same time. Imagine Maradona and Pele playing at the same time, and on occasion even on the same team to defeat the world's worst superpower and #2 hockey nation (no, not America, the other one).
This moment knocked the 1972 Summit Series off the #1 hockey moment
of all time - yes, it is of someone crying. THE EASY STUFF;The regular season starts in October, is 82 games long, and lasts for about six months.
Playoffs start in April and go for about three months. There is no 'one game take all' playoffs; this is all about maximizing owner revenue so the teams are forced to play four rounds of best-of-seven's, which in reality is quite brilliant. The first team to win four games over their opponent moves on to the next round and possibly gets a break while waiting for their opponents to inflict maximum pain on each other.They play for a large trophy called the Stanley Cup, named after Lord Stanley. It is so rare, there are only 3 replicas of it in existence (the presentation one, the touring one, and the one at the Hockey Hall of Fame. The original is kept in a safe at the Hall of Fame as well and is no bigger than a large salad bowl, which was probably it's original intention).Canadians start talking about hockey about 2 months before the regular season starts. This is called the 'pre-season' and in reality mean nothing unless you are a Toronto fan, then it defines the rest of your season, saving you all sorts of heartbreak later on.
This photo deserves to be a bit more viral.
Lecavalier is a decent hockey player and has won a Stanley Cup; he was immediately signed to a $4.5 million/5 year deal by the Philadelphia Flyers (a 'have' team) who apparently have no idea how contracts work, as they used their buy-out to fire their #1 goalie, Ilya Bryzgalov who they just signed for 14 years and $23 million last year. It's like playing Settlers of Cataan with your drunk Uncle Alfie. It's just best to sit back and observe and try not to get spit on.16 of the 30 teams make the playoffs. Due to hockey mathematics involving shoot-outs and overtime losses, 28 of the teams will still be in contention up until the final 2 days of the regular season. Yet despite this multitude of entrants, only 17 teams of these 30 teams have won the Stanley Cup in it's near 100 year history. Considering all of the Original 6 teams have won it, blow your Canadian friends' minds by naming the eleven other teams to have won it.
Phil Kessel vs. John Scott - google it.
Fighting is no longer encouraged in the game, except by the players, the media and the fans that either attend the games or watch it on television. This has been an ongoing discussion since 1989 which is really embarrassing. Although hitting is enthusiastically encouraged, any hit that is too enthusiastic will be considered a suspend-able offense and over-analyzed to death by hockey-starved media and hockey bloggers. Replays of the offending hit will be shown a minimum of 10x per report, until the next big suspension or injury happens.Gone are the six divisions in two conferences that have truly meant nothing for the last 20 years replaced by four divisions that still truly mean nothing. The new structure still means that both the Western and Eastern Conference will still have 8 teams that qualify for the playoffs but in keeping with it's unusual scoring system, the following method will be used to keep fans confused until the final days of the regular season when they learn if their team has qualified or not for the playoffs.
spoiler alert, there is no more reviews or picks from 2013!
Looking to widen your sports knowledge to something outside of the local football league? Perhaps you are looking to butter up those Canadian tourists that wandered into your bar and will tend to tip way too much if someone mentions hockey around them. Whatever your reasons, welcome home.Last year I started submitting some posts to WhatCulture about the NHL, voted by 3o million Canadians, 54 Swedes, and Danny Taylor of Plymouth, England as being THE #1 hockey league in the world. The NHL stands to begin it's 94th year of play (give or take) next month. And this year is no different as there is much excitement in the maple syrup-flavoured air, hockey-stank excitement. Nobody in Canada has been this excited about the NHL starting up since last season when it finally began after another epic Lock-Out, which will be discussed later.In what went down as the greatest Stanley Cup Finals ever played since 2012, the Chicago Blackhawks stunned the Boston Bruins with 2 goals in the final 90 seconds in Game 6 to clinch hockey's greatest trophy. It was karmic retaliation of sorts, for the Bruins had earlier made the biggest comeback in history to defeat the Toronto Maple Leafs in Game 7 of a playoff series earlier which everybody outside of Toronto found hilarious. If none of that made any sense to you, welcome to...WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW OF THE NHL AS A NON-FAN;All you need to know is this; The NHL is crazy. There is nothing rational about it, either on the ice or off. It was the subject of the greatest sports movie ever made, and has some of the best haircuts ever. It once had two players that dominated the sport like no other athlete has ever dominated a sport yet they played at the same time. Imagine Maradona and Pele playing at the same time, and on occasion even on the same team to defeat the world's worst superpower and #2 hockey nation (no, not America, the other one).
This moment knocked the 1972 Summit Series off the #1 hockey momentof all time - yes, it is of someone crying. THE EASY STUFF;The regular season starts in October, is 82 games long, and lasts for about six months.
Playoffs start in April and go for about three months. There is no 'one game take all' playoffs; this is all about maximizing owner revenue so the teams are forced to play four rounds of best-of-seven's, which in reality is quite brilliant. The first team to win four games over their opponent moves on to the next round and possibly gets a break while waiting for their opponents to inflict maximum pain on each other.They play for a large trophy called the Stanley Cup, named after Lord Stanley. It is so rare, there are only 3 replicas of it in existence (the presentation one, the touring one, and the one at the Hockey Hall of Fame. The original is kept in a safe at the Hall of Fame as well and is no bigger than a large salad bowl, which was probably it's original intention).Canadians start talking about hockey about 2 months before the regular season starts. This is called the 'pre-season' and in reality mean nothing unless you are a Toronto fan, then it defines the rest of your season, saving you all sorts of heartbreak later on.
This photo deserves to be a bit more viral.Lecavalier is a decent hockey player and has won a Stanley Cup; he was immediately signed to a $4.5 million/5 year deal by the Philadelphia Flyers (a 'have' team) who apparently have no idea how contracts work, as they used their buy-out to fire their #1 goalie, Ilya Bryzgalov who they just signed for 14 years and $23 million last year. It's like playing Settlers of Cataan with your drunk Uncle Alfie. It's just best to sit back and observe and try not to get spit on.16 of the 30 teams make the playoffs. Due to hockey mathematics involving shoot-outs and overtime losses, 28 of the teams will still be in contention up until the final 2 days of the regular season. Yet despite this multitude of entrants, only 17 teams of these 30 teams have won the Stanley Cup in it's near 100 year history. Considering all of the Original 6 teams have won it, blow your Canadian friends' minds by naming the eleven other teams to have won it.
Phil Kessel vs. John Scott - google it.Fighting is no longer encouraged in the game, except by the players, the media and the fans that either attend the games or watch it on television. This has been an ongoing discussion since 1989 which is really embarrassing. Although hitting is enthusiastically encouraged, any hit that is too enthusiastic will be considered a suspend-able offense and over-analyzed to death by hockey-starved media and hockey bloggers. Replays of the offending hit will be shown a minimum of 10x per report, until the next big suspension or injury happens.Gone are the six divisions in two conferences that have truly meant nothing for the last 20 years replaced by four divisions that still truly mean nothing. The new structure still means that both the Western and Eastern Conference will still have 8 teams that qualify for the playoffs but in keeping with it's unusual scoring system, the following method will be used to keep fans confused until the final days of the regular season when they learn if their team has qualified or not for the playoffs.
From NHL.com;The top three teams in each division will make up the first 12 teams in the playoffs. The remaining four spots will be filled by the next two highest-placed finishers in each conference -- regardless of division -- based on regular-season points. It will be possible for one division to send five teams to the postseason while the other sends three.The seeding of the wild-card teams within each divisional playoff will be determined by regular-season points. The division winner with the most points in the conference will be matched against the wild-card team with the fewest points; the division winner with the second-most points in the conference will play the wild-card team with the second-fewest points.Still here? Maybe your next question is how does a team get these points to qualify for the playoffs?A team gets 2 points for a straight-up win. If both teams tie, they each get a point. They play a 5 minute overtime session, at which time each team is minus 1 player. If someone scores, the winning team gets 2 points and the losing team gets 1 point. If nobody scores in extra time, the teams go to a shoot out where players take turns trying to score on breakaways (much like a penalty kick). If they score, that goal doesn't count as a goal on their point totals but their team could win, as long as the other team doesn't score. Eventually, everyone gets bored and they all go home and wait for the NHL statisticians to tell us what happened.As I said you don't need to worry about it. Chances are your team will just make or just miss the playoffs. Pick a team then come back in April.But on to the Teams, starting with the Western Conference...THE (new) PACIFIC DIVISION;In keeping with American's appalling lack of geography, the teams have been named by their liberal geographic locations. The Pacific Division does have four teams that are a short distance away from the Pacific Ocean and three teams that are nearly 1500 kms away from any whale-watching tours, so on average, this is pretty good for America.The Los Angeles Kings won the Stanley Cup 2 years ago, making them the Dane Cook of Los Angeles for a short time before the LA sporting world returned to it's natural order the following Thursday, at which time the Kings returned to being the 5th most popular professional team in a city with technically only three professional sports teams, unless we include David Beckham's entourage that went around pretending to be a professional American football/soccer team for a few years.Most interesting player; Jonathon Quick is their all-star goalie who somehow stops everything shot at him despite his head never having been seen above waist level, giving him a playing height of about 2.5 feet.The Anaheim Ducks have the infamy of once being the worst-named professional team in sports when they were owned by Disney Corp and named The Anaheim Mighty Ducks in an attempt to further publicize the last place Emilio Estevez was seen, the Mighty Ducks movie franchise and the accompanying cartoon that followed. The Ducks also have the glory, much like their baseball sister the Anaheim Angels of actually being located in the Los Angeles. They too once won the Stanley Cup back in 2007, although nobody noticed.Most Interesting Player; Teemu Selanne, the ageless wonder has been in the league longer than the Phoenix Coyotes. He is on a continual retirement watch since 2008 but seeing as how he keeps scoring goals, there seems little reason for him to stop playing. He is Anaheim's number 3 most interesting person, behind Mickey Mouse and that crazy guy at Medieval Times.The San Jose Sharks have been around for over 2o years and have been a perennial playoff favourite for the last decade. They are also the the perennial favourite to be one of the earlier teams to be eliminated from the playoffs, following a decade long tradition of failing to live up to expectations.Player to Watch; Joe Thornton, the franchise's all-time greatest player, which seeing as how he's been there for 10 years and there has been nobody close to his potential during that time means that he will continue to be their greatest player twenty years from now. Despite this greatness Thornton is a consistent league leader in assists, size and failing to close the deal by winning the Stanley Cup.The Phoenix Coyotes continue to surprise Canadian hockey fans year after year by continuing to exist in a climate that is more suited to growing crazy than growing a hockey fan base. While most fans appear to be Canadians avoiding winter, the Coyotes have one of the best moving companies in the nation always on standby, so they have that going for them.Player to Watch; Shane Doan. Not saying this guy is old but he started with the franchise back when it was the Winnipeg Jets, which everybody thought was just a legend before their confusing return two years ago. The return of the Jets to Winnipeg without Shane Doan (who left with the team the first time) left many people confused, especially him. It will be hard to find a player anywhere that has wasted more winning potential with one team than Doan. Oh, well, except for this guy. Laces out Dan.The Edmonton Oilers are absolutely packed with great young talent, so everyone tells us. Thanks to their consistent 'bottom of the pack' finishes, they have managed to draft the highest picks in the land for the last 5 years. This continual drafting of high-end talent will be sure to pay off dividends in the years to come, once they finish their entry-level contracts and go to legitimate contenders.Player to Watch; Ryan Smyth was once called Captain Canada for a reason. He's well-known, relatively harmless and will always show up to the party. This year is another coming out party for the Oilers young guns; Justin Schulz, Taylor Hall, Jordan Eberle, Ryan Nugent-Hopkins and Nail Yapukov. Yes, it sounds like the line up for a Yuk Yuks comedy festival but trust me, this team will be fun to watch as their dreams get crushed under the continual heart-wrenching losses they suffer.The Calgary Flames are where the Edmonton Oilers are five years ago. With the trading of their all-star heart and soul of the team Jarome Iginla to more-victorious pastures and the subsequent retirement of their other all-star goalie Mikka Kipprusof; the Flames made waves by hiring the one person that can do nothing to help their team win games; unofficial league hardhead, Brian Burke.Player to Watch; Their team mascot, Ralph the Dog has more name recognition than all the rest of the Flames combined. So you may as well sit back, enjoy some of the superstar talent that comes through on the visiting side. You may never see them again.The Vancouver Canucks are Western Canada's answer to the Toronto Maple Leafs. They are a team that can exceed expectations, especially when it comes to the rest of Canada hating their fan base. It's like they deliberately try to make you hate them with things such as this and this. It's impossible to throw a Starbuck's coffee and not hit somebody that has an opinion of how the team could be better, even if they are continually in the top three teams of the league. However Vancouver fans do compensate by having the best playoff hockey-related riots west of Montreal.Player to Watch; If you are going to break your piggy bank to watch a Canuck game, the Sedin twins offer double your money. However they are usually both on the ice at the same time and are pretty difficult to distinguish when one or the other doesn't have the puck. The best price of admission is just to follow bipolar goaltender and all around cool guy, Roberto Luongo on his twitter feed.Continue to check back in for my reviews and picks for The Western Conference's Central Division!
spoiler alert, there is no more reviews or picks from 2013!November 8, 2014
Top 10 Stoner Movies (Part 1)
So when you read 'Stoner Movies' you may have been thinking; here we go, another easy to click-bait list of repetitive movies I've seen on other lists.
The lists I looked up when doing ... research... for this blog were the same; they all have some drug-related theme in them. Most likely a list of comedies that are easy to digest, buddy comedies such as Harold and Kumar, Jay and Silent Bob, Cheech and Chong, etc. Maybe someone will be brave enough to throw in Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, just to say that they know not all 'stoner' movies have to be mainly about smoking weed and insulting one another.
Ogie doesn't play that way. I hated those stoner lists - most stoners I know of don't sit around discussing the finer intricacies of Harold and Kumar (or which was which) or want to watch actors pretending to be stoned when they are not. I enjoy them for what they are - comedies that have actors pretending to be stoners in them. If you know how movies are made and how pot actually works, it's pretty difficult to actually get shit done in a way that will make it easy for an editor to piece together a film. I wanted a list of movies to watch while baked. This is what I came up with.
So some of us like our movies with depth and feeling, that trick the senses, maybe play with our perceptions of truth and time. Some might strengthen our personal philosophies or make them re-think them. I found smoking up before a show helped to give that show 100% of my attention and in that attention I noticed things I wouldn't have noticed if I was sitting there, wondering if I should get more popcorn, worrying about being that guy sitting alone in a theater, or what the hell was happening to my life's savings and goals. Movies are escapism and some of them were way better than others.
So instead of the usual boring list of cliche stoner movies, I present a list of movies that you should get stoned, sit back and enjoy.
Dark Crystal (1982)
The great thing about puppet movies is that they are pretty much timeless, especially science-fiction/fantasy ones. This great little film was made by the Jim Henson company, taking a break from their Muppet series to try a bigger, more challenging vision.
From what I remember, Dark Crystal follows this little asexual gelfling named Gen around as he/she finds a shard of crystal that once connected to the aforementioned Dark Crystal will do something or the other that is in no way a spoiler. It's like Lord of the Rings, only without all the fighting or Fellowship. Along the way there are some weird naked turkey-looking things that are trying to stop him, some overgrown chronic-looking hamsters that I don't recall do very much, a scary-looking witch and a few other odd visuals that make for a fun, engrossing time.
And there's probably a message of peace and goodwill in there as well, being a Jim Henson production.
Santa Sangre (1989)
On the other side of the scale, this is the trippiest movie I've ever enjoyed and despite my attempts to watch it sober, I don't think I have yet done it. I had it on VHS and lost it to another stoner buddy of mine, whose name I don't remember (or address). It's a Alexandro Jodorowsky film, who made a name for himself 40+ years ago by being more David Lynch than David Lynch could ever be.
His first movies El Topo and Holy Mountain are the zeitgeist of their time, early 70's surrealist cinema with so much symbolism there was a record number of movie critic wrist-related injuries pertaining to his fare. After his long detour into the failed adaptation of Dune and the subsequent 80's he came out with this amazing thriller/horror. It is intensely visually ... peculiar... and the story is two parts with a lot of religious symbolism thrown in, but not that much considering his previous work.
Jesus wept for the chickens had inherited the earth...Outside of the religious tones and for some reason i recall a frog/Aztec allegory that involves a lot of blown-up frogs wearing Aztec headdresses, the story that i mostly recall resides around a child growing up in a circus (it's not all its cracked up to be) and that boy's relationship with his ... handicapped... mother (also, not all it's cracked up to be). Hard to talk to much of this one without throwing in spoilers one way or the other.
just your typical mother and son having breakfast.Muholland Drive (2001)
Speaking of David Lynch, he has a whole list of trippy movies to choose from. One of my favs would be this one if you are in the mood for a mystery and want to watch beautiful women looking confused. Naomi Watts does an amazing job of being a struggling Hollywood actress who gets involved in this mind-twister involving a beautiful woman who shows up with amnesia at her front door. Rumor is this was to be a pilot for another 'Twin Peaks' type TV show but thankfully never materialized, hence the confusing man-behind-dumpster scene. Don't worry, he doesn't give away anything about the plot, which i sorta remember takes a Lynchian turn somewhere in the middle. There's also a lesbian sex scene in there too. And a cowboy. I'm pretty sure there is anyways, I was pretty stoned. A show about perceptions.
Spoiler Alert, he's not really homeless, he's an actor.Next up; Part 2...
November 2, 2014
12 Ways The Dark Knight Rises and the 2012 Canucks playoffs were eerily the same.
[republished due to its original immense popularity, Chris Nolan's Interstellar release and I find it really funny] 12 Ways The Dark Knight Rises and the 2012 Canucks playoffs were eerily the same.
"I want the Batman!"
For some, the summer of 2012 was to be the cause of great rejoice; The Dark Knight Rises was to cap the end of the amazing Batman trilogy, the Vancouver Canucks were going to win the Stanley Cup, and Chara would climb back up his beanstalk and leave all the other hockey players alone. Those people have no lives and need to learn to find pleasure in the smaller things. Like drool and soft helmets.
Here are 12 similarities between The Dark Knight Rises and The 2012 Vancouver Canucks;
(SPOILER ALERT: The Canucks lost to the LA Kings in the 2012 playoffs)
1-For fans of both franchises, there were exceedingly high expectations going in from previous showings.
2-Ryan Kesler appeared in neither.
3-Batman took eight years off before returning and the ending was left open for another possible return years from now; Vancouver is preparing for their next Cup push sometime around the year 2025.
4-Both Batman and Mason Raymond took 5 months to recover from a broken back to limited effect.
"Hmmm...can you take off the bat and
put on the number 16?"
5-Neither Batman or the Canucks showed any ability to dish out a hit.
6- Apparently both Gotham and Vancouver have professional football teams that nobody cares about.
7-Anne Hathaway’s eyebrows scored just as many points in Los Angeles as the Sedin twins.
8-Batman had a few thousand cops that did nothing to help the situation, the Canucks had these guys; http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JBQ1rmIbTjw
9-Once Batman and the Canucks left the city, life went on and it was like nothing had ever happened.
10-If Darryl Sutter’s coaching style could be physically described, it would look like Bane. If Alain Vigneault’s coaching style could be physically described, it would look like Michael Caine’s quivering lips.
11-DKR had a lot of supporting characters from previous movies that proved to have no discernible purpose for being there; the Canucks had the green men.
"uh...hello?"
12-Bruce Wayne came out of self-imposed hiding to find his overall value had plummeted to barely being able to provide for himself, Vancouver has Roberto Luongo.
"I want the Batman!"For some, the summer of 2012 was to be the cause of great rejoice; The Dark Knight Rises was to cap the end of the amazing Batman trilogy, the Vancouver Canucks were going to win the Stanley Cup, and Chara would climb back up his beanstalk and leave all the other hockey players alone. Those people have no lives and need to learn to find pleasure in the smaller things. Like drool and soft helmets.
Here are 12 similarities between The Dark Knight Rises and The 2012 Vancouver Canucks;
(SPOILER ALERT: The Canucks lost to the LA Kings in the 2012 playoffs)
1-For fans of both franchises, there were exceedingly high expectations going in from previous showings.
2-Ryan Kesler appeared in neither.
3-Batman took eight years off before returning and the ending was left open for another possible return years from now; Vancouver is preparing for their next Cup push sometime around the year 2025.
4-Both Batman and Mason Raymond took 5 months to recover from a broken back to limited effect.
"Hmmm...can you take off the bat andput on the number 16?"
5-Neither Batman or the Canucks showed any ability to dish out a hit.
6- Apparently both Gotham and Vancouver have professional football teams that nobody cares about.
7-Anne Hathaway’s eyebrows scored just as many points in Los Angeles as the Sedin twins.
8-Batman had a few thousand cops that did nothing to help the situation, the Canucks had these guys; http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JBQ1rmIbTjw
9-Once Batman and the Canucks left the city, life went on and it was like nothing had ever happened.
10-If Darryl Sutter’s coaching style could be physically described, it would look like Bane. If Alain Vigneault’s coaching style could be physically described, it would look like Michael Caine’s quivering lips.
11-DKR had a lot of supporting characters from previous movies that proved to have no discernible purpose for being there; the Canucks had the green men.
"uh...hello?"12-Bruce Wayne came out of self-imposed hiding to find his overall value had plummeted to barely being able to provide for himself, Vancouver has Roberto Luongo.
