Jay Royston's Blog, page 10

Yoga. Cuz I'm Man Enough Day 2

On a scale of 10 of how much I wanted to YOGA today, I'd give it a zero point five. And that point five is only because I'd feel like complete shit if I didn't get past Day One of this 30 Day Challenge.

Mostly this is because we've been spending all day painting the play room. And other than a quick run to Home Depot to buy 1 more quart of paint because we were pretty sure another gallon was too much and we still need one more quart so we didn't finish and it's still a mess down there with a lot of overflow toys, shelves and now a pink pop-up tent castle taking up the living room aka YOGA Central.

But I did it. I completed Day 2. As big events go, this is like finding the buffet table at the Meet and Greet for Survivor so nothing to get excited about. But by the time we got the kids to bed it was 8pm. A fact I didn't point out yesterday that it's awful hard to YOGA when the kids are watching and wondering what the hell you are doing. So as I tried to follow along with my TV teacher, the only thing that seemed evident was I need to get the TV down to eye level. The crink in my neck isn't helping my YOGA chi or whatever it's called.

So Day 2 done. Do I feel any different or better? No. Like I told my wife, the way people talk about YOGA-ing, I'm expecting this great epiphany to happen or at the very least a full body orgasm. All I have after two days is a sore neck (from trying to see the TV) and a sore right shoulder (which I'd say is more to the full day of painting). Did the YOGA take the pain away? Do I feel more at one with the universe? No and no.

And the only move I know is Downward Dog and now something called a baby cobra which is basically lying on my stomach with my head up. And then we ended it with another lie down for a minute to 'get our breath back' or something which wasn't too hard for me as I wasn't breathing hard.

YOGA is weird.

Yoga. Cuz i'm Man Enough.

It's been a long time since I've posted anything so let's get right to it. I'm out of shape... well, not really out of shape, I'm a volunteer firefighter and every year we have to do a fit test to make sure we won't collapse on site from a massive heart attack. It's roughly 3-5 minutes of heavy exertion and then we are done until the following year. And not to humble brag but since I've started I have cut down my time by nearly 1 minute.

So, I'm not weak out-of-shape, more body out-of-shape. From the front there's nothing surprising. Basic rectangle torso, 2 arms, 2 legs, 2 chins. I feel pretty good with myself if I am talking to you straight on. Shoulders are wide, most likely a benefit from playing hockey and football in my teenage years.

But when I turn for the side profile, still rectangle. And not the skinny rectangle type. Like the square rectangle type, like a 20 story office building type. That's where my issues come in. I'm not 'barrel-chested' nor 'beer bellied'. I'm stocky but the stocky is starting to slip a bit, the belly is starting to hang over the belt, if you know what I mean. There's a overhang forming on the bottom floors of the office building. I know it, my wife knows it but you know... politeness. She's here to encourage me and remind me to drink some water now and then but I have to be careful with this - if I show too much interest in getting in shape, she will say we should go out for some real physical exercise, like jogging.

Men, take note - if you are dating someone and they want to do some exercise with you, make sure you can at least keep pace before committing. I dated one girl, she wanted to play tennis. No problem, just a lot of lateral movement, short bursts of energy, it was fine. Golfing? Again, no problem. Run up University Hill? Sure, if she can do it, why couldn't I? Well, University Hill is about 3 kms long and a decent 40 degree ascent. I couldn't do it. I knew I was in trouble after the 3rd streetlight, stopped after the 5th. There's probably about 15 streetlights. She kept going and I said I'd catch up. I didn't. She ran and ran and ran - turns out she's not only good at tennis and golf, she also runs marathons. i walked to the top and waited for her. Turns out she ran another 5 kms before turning around to find me waiting for her. She dumped me shortly after.

So when my future wife invited me to run with her, I made a stipulation - it had to be on a track, preferably one that went in a circle. I also asked her how many laps we were doing (3). I could do that. And I did. I also went for a short run the day before AND I remembered to stretch. And like I said, she's now my future wife and I want to get my body mostly back to where it was before the kids and the leftovers started piling up.    

So with that in mind, I'm trying to make the commitment to once again, change this shape a little bit. But not too fast - that way has never helped me. I go for a week or two, then forget about it. I lead a rough, non-routine lifestyle, 3 graveyard shifts, 2 kids that can't take care of themselves yet, a loving wife who likes to snuggle, a day job, a dream job, and the fire hall. It doesn't leave me much time to myself but here it is, I'm going to do a Yoga 30 Day Challenge.

Now, just so I remember where my head is at - I hear yoga, I think women wearing tight pants. Basic man thoughts. There might be one or two douchey guys in the class. It's a white person's version of Tai Chi. I understand that it helps align the spine and such, perhaps align my 'cosmic chi' so I feel more refreshed to go onto other, bigger things, like sit-ups or jogging.

I'm not going to class - I'm just youtubing it in my front room. I don't have the time/resources to dedicate to a class time - it's going to have to be when I can carve it out of the day.

I've just did Day One. All I could think of when I'm copying the lady is that this was sort of like doing warm-up stretches before football practice. But where back in the day, we would 'push' each other by yelling, she just talks about breathing and stuff. It was kind of annoying. It went for 30 minutes, I may have been annoyed because I had an audience watching which interrupted by Zen.

I'm not refreshed or had an epiphany or anything of the sort. But I've started and can commence countdown. Day 2 or Day 29, depending on whether you like to count up or down.

And oh yeah, as I wrote this I had a bowl of Chicago Mix because I haven't eaten since breakfast.

An Oldie but a Goodie

Why Morgan Freeman and his CV deserve your respect

There is a bit of a controversy going on in America (where else?) that besides the Obamacare controversy, Obama gun control controversy, Obama is black controversy, North Korea controversy, the Iraq invasion controversy, Lincoln didn’t win the Oscar controversy, music/video pirating controversy, the immigrant controversy, bank bail out controversy, drone controversy, oil pipeline controversy, Ray-J controversy, baseball doping controversy, legalized marijuana controversy and FBI spying on the internet controversy some people still have the energy to be indignant at Morgan Freeman’s AMA (Ask Me Anything) interview on Reddit recently, claiming that it seems the interview itself was a hoax and that was not the 70 year old award-winning actor but some PR shill pretending to be Morgan Freeman.

Reddit’s AMA format has become quite popular as of late for celebrities to try and reach or get back new fans that have tuned out of the usual forms of mass media for promoting their newest projects. Morgan Freeman was scheduled to chat for an hour about all things Morgan Freeman but from the sounds of it, he chose it mostly to discuss his new project Oblivion or give short answers that many decided were not Morgan Freeman-like based on various evidence such as the use of too many exclamation points !!!!! or answers such as being into acting ‘for the money’.

That’s pretty serious stuff to accuse said actor and website of being involved in this type of internet shenanigans. As we all know the internet is based on integrity, grammar and porn. Merely posting a picture of Morgan Freeman apparently sleeping while also apparently being on AMA caused all sorts of ripples in darkened computer rooms throughout America.



So while America covers up their mild outrage after another mass shooting in ‘Pickaspot, Anywhere’ by focusing instead on what a lame internet interview Morgan Freeman or his PR person was, perhaps it’s best we take a look back on his illustrious career and see if this guy deserves the hate;

In a career spanning nearly five decades, it’s pretty evident that Morgan Freeman was never going to be playing Crack Addict #2 in some straight to video cops and robber shoot’m up. He has long acquired roles that spoke of the nobility and authority a black man could have, no matter what genre and as is evident for a man that has played God, the audience is accepting of that. He is a role model to black actors everywhere and together with James Earl Jones combine for two of the most distinctive and respected voices in entertainment. Kanye West should be taking notes on how to walk the walk and talk the talk from these two legends.

Nobility


For a man who started his career decades ago with a certain popular children’s program it may seem peculiar that he gravitates towards roles that demand respect. Be it in law enforcement or the ultimate top cop in Bruce and Evan Almighty, it’s easy to see that ever since his early years, Morgan Freeman is a stickler when it comes to roles he accepts, starting as the infamous Count Dracula in the Electric Company.
Law Enforcement

Mr. Freeman always looks good in a uniform or a beaten-down fedora and trench coat and he knows it. Never willing to be just another ‘cop on the beat’ it appears when he’s not actually running the force (coming up in a different category) never has he credited with a police rank below lieutenant. He’s the type of officer who always seems on the cusp of retirement, has the weight of society on his shoulders and one can almost sense that despite his weariness, he really doesn’t have time for any shenanigans. I think it’s safe to say his most memorable role was as Detective Lt. Somerset in Se7en.
1981 Texas Detective Michaels1981 Eyewitness Lieutenant Black1989 Johnny Handsome Lt. A.Z. Drones1995 Se7en Detective Lt. William Somerset2000 Under Suspicion Captain Victor Benezet2003 Guilty by Association Police Lieutenant Redding
Religious Icons

It’s pretty difficult to be black and also considered a religious icon because let’s face it, it’s pretty dominant Caucasian-esque deity world in film. Never mind the portrayal of JC as being as translucent as Willem Dafoe or the others that have came after him but it’s safe to say we won’t ever see an A-list actor taking on the role of any controversial Messiah-based film in the near future. However, Morgan joined a select few artists to play God, joining George Burns, Alannis Morrissette and that cut-out thing from Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Plus, only he and George Burns have been called on to repeat their performance as the Almighty One (as far as I know).  Safe to say, few people look better in a white suit than Mr. Freeman. And before Denzel Washington took his turn as the Islamic leader Malcolm X, Morgan Freeman was all like ‘ah, been there, done that”.
1981 Death of a Prophet Malcolm X2003 Bruce Almighty God2007 Evan Almighty God
Military

Again, not content to be anything low on the military command tree like a private or corporal, Freeman has always been seen in an authoritative position. Even in the Civil War themed Glory, Mr. Freeman ranked as high as Sgt. Major. Ignore that technically he was outranked by Mathew Broderick for in an era that most black people were ranked behind pack horses and rail carts (see Blazing Saddles) it was good to see Mr. Freeman still pushing to be shown as having a legitimate military presence, despite his skin colour. I’d have to go that for his best military role, his turn as the lone Muslim in Costner’s Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves stands out. He was never considered less important than any other and by the end of the movie, he was seen as the near equal as any other member of the merry men.
1989 Glory Sgt. Maj. John Rawlins1991 Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves Azeem1995 Outbreak General Billy Ford2003 Dreamcatcher Col. Abraham Curtis2006 The Contract Major Frank Carden
Boss Men/Authority Figures


I first remember Freeman as Principal Joe Clark, the inner-city principal of a run-down school that carried a baseball bat. I think was where he really came into his own as being an authority figure that rang truthful to movie audiences. Although it took him nearly 10 years to rise up to being the President in the near-future not-Armageddon Deep Impact, it has become hard to imagine that whenever studio heads are discussing having a minority in a position of power Morgan Freeman’s name is not at the top of the list.
1985 The Execution of Raymond Graham Warden Pratt1989 Lean on Me, Principal Joe Clark1990 The Bonfire of the Vanities Judge Leonard White1998 Deep Impact President Beck2006 Lucky Number Slevin The Boss2007 Gone Baby Gone retired police chief Jack Doyle2008-12 The Dark Knight Trilogy head of development bat toy division Lucius Fox2008 Wanted Sloan2009 Invictus Nelson Mandela2013 Olympus Has Fallen Speaker cum President Trumbull2013 Oblivion Morpheus Sr. aka Beech
Doctors

Who doesn’t love doctors? Nearly every doctor played on film is shown as an actual human hero, saving lives, screaming at orderlies and telling the stars that they really need to slow things down. Hardly any Dr. is shown in a negative light. Except for maybe Dr. Doom. and Dr. Octopus and Dr. No. Dr. Hannibal Lecter, Dr. Giggles, Dr. West…where was I?Morgan Freeman tends to play the other type of doctor, the kind you respect and don’t worry if he is suddenly going to kill you and wear your skin as a face.
1982-84 Another World (TV series) 82-84 Dr. Roy Bingham1987 Fight for Life (TV movie) Dr. Sherard 19871997 Kiss the Girls Dr. Alex Cross2011 Dolphin Tale Dr. Cameron McCarthy
Special Mention

Few actors get to play themselves in a movie for any extended amount of time.  The few recent ones that come to mind are Jean Claude Van Damme in JCVD and John Malkovich in Being John Malkovich.  In 2010′s 10 Items or Less, Freeman is only billed as ‘Him’ but i think it’s safe by this time in his career, we all know who ‘him’ is.
2006 10 Items or Less Him

The End of the NHL As We Know It (for 2016)

The End of the NHL as We Know It in Canada

oops...It's been awhile since I've had any thoughts about the NHL, which is probably true for most Canadians these days. For the first time in most of our lives, not one Canadian-based NHL team will be in the playoffs. Which once again make Hockey Night in Canada just sad, like every intermission show on that Holodeck I've watched since Rogers took over.

No Canadian teams in the playoffs is just one more scar on our national psyche in regards to believing we are God's gift to Hockey. This hasn't happened since 1970, when apparently there were still only 2 Canadian teams in the league - the original six, Montreal and Toronto. As a fun side note, this year is also the first year where Canadian players make up LESS than 50% of the NHL player's association. AND the number 1 pick is probably going to be some kid from ARIZONA playing in SWITZERLAND whose favourite team was the Phoenix Coyotes. WTF!!
But what does this truly mean? Well, for one thing it means my hockey knowledge is nearly as embarrassing as my hockey pool finishes; I'm near dead last in all five of them, barring an exceptional late season surge in my local newspaper which thankfully means I will finish in the top 300 (mainly thanks to Sidney Crosby and Ryan Getzalf's late season return to forms). But my prediction of a huge follow up season for the Triplet Line and the rest of the Tampa Bay Lightning fell as flat as Carey Price's Montreal Canadians after November.

So, let's see what I think happened to Canada's teams starting with Montreal;

Montreal Canadiens:
PK thinking about that hospital he bought...Wow. This season goes to show that Montreal truly is a one man team. Without last year's MVP in net, the Canadians went from a Top 4 finisher to Bottom 6 finisher. Which is crazy as let's face it, he isn't the one scoring the goals. Montreal attempted to get some help in net after last year's back-up Tokarski wasn't able to fill the pads, as neither were Condon, Scrivens, or PK Subban who was coming fresh off a public relations coup when he bought an entire Montreal hospital for Carey. Foreshadowing...?

Coach Michel Therrien will be around for the start of next year but IF the Canadiens don't have another strong start out of the gate with Price in net, heads could be rolling as soon as the New Year.

Ottawa Senators:  

they did win the ugly sweater award at the NHL Christmas PartyOttawa also ran with a hot goaltender last year to get into the playoffs, thanks to Andrew Hammond stepping up to win 14 games in a row or something like that. He was the reason I also went from last to 3rd in last year's dynasty pool. This year was supposed to be a test to see where Ottawa was going and as it turns out, they weren't going anywhere. Erik Karlson was their leading scorer and when your all-star defenseman is your leading scorer, you are going to be in trouble. A late season trade for Dion Phaneuf was Ottawa's biggest headline this year.

Speaking of trouble, that is where Coach Dave Cameron might find himself early next year; out of a job. For now, all thoughts are towards GM Bryan Murray as he fights his own battle with cancer. Having to worry about your coach's job security is probably the least of his concerns at the moment.


Toronto Maple Leafs:
Posted outside the Maple Leaf Dressing RoomThe Maple Leafs can thank the Sports Gods that the Blue Jays and Raptors are perennial winners. The sports reporters focus on winning teams in the TO area have left Mike Babcock alone to thoroughly demolish the Maple Leafs with such reckless abandon you would think he was using the Mike Keenan Vancouver playbook. Having become the highest paid coach in NHL history last year, he justified that expenditure by (1) trading for nobody of proven ability, (2) trading Phil Kessel, their highest scorer over the last 5 years, (3) trading Dion Phaneuf, their best defenseman of the last 5 years, (4) trading James Reimer, their best goalie (this year at least), (5) continually stating they are in a rebuilding process which really means 'don't expect any results for a few years at least'.

Despite guaranteed job security (or maybe because of it) and making $8 million this year, Mike Babcock still needs one more win in the last 4 games to lead the Maple Leafs to more points than they finished with last year. Remember that year? Where TO management left Darcy Hordichuk out to dry for the final four months of the year after firing Randy Caryle? It seems apparent Brendan Shanahan had plans to bring in Babcock as soon as Randy was fired. And if it weren't for the Blue Jays and Raptors success, their heads would be on the chopping block for how much they have decimated the franchise. Only the Oilers have a worse record and that's saying something about just how far the Leafs have fallen.

Winnipeg Jets:
And this is just at a Winnipeg curling bonspielWithout a doubt, the Jets being in the playoffs would be the best thing to happen to Canadian hockey and the province of Manitoba since the Louis Riel rebellion. They signed their franchise player in Dustin Byuflglien (whatever) to big years and big money. They've got a stalwart, seasoned offensive corps being led by Wheeler and Little and with a healthy goalie in Pavelic, the Jets are my pick to be the 2nd Canadian team in the playoffs next year, after Montreal.

Coach Paul Maurice has two small problems; they play in the Central Division with the Blackhawks, Stars, Blues and Predators and as such his job security is understandable. His other problem is he has 3 goalies who are all above .900 in save %. One is a good problem to have, the other is a bad one. Unfortunately, barring the Blackhawks, Stars, Blues, or the Predators hiring Mike Babcock, the Jets will be fighting for a wild card berth next year.

Vancouver Canucks: 
The Good Ol' Days...Who'd thought the glue holding that team together all these years may have been Kevin Bieksa and Ryan Kesler, now teammates on Stanley Cup contender Anaheim? The Canucks continue to rely on the Sedin twins for offense and not much else. The new Trevor Linden, Dan Hamhuis, suffered a broken jaw and resisted efforts by TSN's sportspanel to waive his no trade contract so he could stay with his hometown team. Ryan Miller has been average as he appears to be showing his best years are behind him and other than that, the Canucks are a shadow of who they once were. Consider the fates of similar teams such as the Blackhawks and Bruins to figure out where the Canucks went wrong. Oh yeah... Gillis and that goaltender thing. 

Coach Willy Desjardins did big things in the AHL, which led to his promotion into the bigs. His ability to take young minor league talent and make them scoring machines hasn't crossed over to success in the NHL level. However, Trevor Linden is patient when it comes to coaches he would like to play for so Coach Willy, like all the others so far have some job security over the summer.

Calgary Flames:
During TV timeouts, the Flames like to dim the lights to make their
oppenents drowsy and save money on electricity.The Flames made the playoffs last year and then beat the Canucks in the first round, which I totally saw coming, before they were swept away like the pesky team they were all season. Calgary never got it's groove on and when Goalie Kari Ramo when down, so too did my pool hopes. They traded away Jiri Hudler at the deadline, which may also have played a role in the disappearance of their younger talent and went through the drama of the Dennis Wideman suspension.

If I was a betting man, Coach Bob Hartley may be the odds-on to be let go over the summer, despite winning the Jack Adams trophy in 2014/15 as he led the Flames to his only above .500 winning season in his four years there. GM Brian Burke has been uncharacteristically quiet in media discussions barring his comments about the Dennis Wideman slow appeals process so I think he might be due to put on his work tie and think about what's best for the Flames at this point.

Edmonton Oilers:
nope.Ahhh, Edmonton. Everyone had such high hopes for you as they watched McJesus do his thing early in the season, TSN had it's own 'McDavid Game Watch' on, as did I on this blog until I realized I am a 40 something year old man with better things to do. But all I heard was he was the next Wayne Gretzky. In the end, McJesus was still just a kid with an 18 year old's collarbone and so missed 1/2 the season. All hopes of the Calder, Art Ross, Hart, Conn Smythe and Stanley cup Trophies were swept away, as well as apparently the Oilers' dreams of not finishing last again this year.

Coach Todd McClelland's job is safe. He gave a rather spirited dissection of the Oilers play this Saturday following a 5-0 loss to the Calgary Flames (they sucked huge donkey balls). He calls out everybody and if there is one team that everyone is waiting to see make some changes just so they can go 'It's about time', it's the Oilers. While they once again are odds-on favourites to select 1st overall, they need to seriously think about cutting their losses and hopes on #1 draft picks and pick up the phone and start making some deals for some veteran leadership that also has talent in spades. Yakopov for Drouin would be a no-brainer for me, but again, it doesn't address the Oilers main weakness which is defense. Nobody on that team should be safe, barring McJesus. Make a goddamn trade this summer Edmonton, so the TSN Sportspanel can critique it endlessly.


One last thought on Duncan Keith:
Spoiler Alert; this isn't going to end well for that guy in green.Duncan Keith received a six game suspension for hitting a Wild player in the face with his stick. While he forfeits $150,000 in salary (or roughly 2% of his yearly haul), I think this is a decent win-win for the Hawks and Keith. He gets an extra 2 weeks to rest up for the playoffs and the Hawks get a healthy, well-rested Keith for the playoffs.

With the continual increase of league-imposed suspensions over 'questionable hits', I'd think more and more players are going to be a bit more careless with their sticks as they near year's end and their team is already in or already out of the playoffs. If I had a grudge against someone, I know when I'd be planning my payback... just sayin'. Of course you could go back to having the players settle it on the ice but we all know which way that is headed. (ha! concussion-related pun)    

ME ON SPRING BREAK WITH MY KIDS

The Saga of John Scott, NHL All-Star

John Scott. Most everyone not associated with the NHL PR machine have no idea who he is. A lot of people in the NHL probably don't know who he is. Except Phil Kessel. Simply put, John Scott is one of the last of a special breed of hockey player. He's a pugilist, an enforcer, an intimidater, a goon. No matter how you put it, out of all the teams he has played for (9 and counting) he has never been hired to put the puck in the net. He's been hired to serve and protect, old school.




John's a big boy, 6'8, 260 lbs. A lot has been printed about how he has played a career average of less than seven minutes a game. He's scored 5 goals and 11 points in nearly 300 games. But to put his 'goon' stats in perspective in his 8 years his highest PIM total has been 125, which was 13th highest in that year (2013-14). To put THAT into perspective 20 years ago 85 players had more than 125 PIMs in a season. So even as an enforcer, John Scott isn't that memorable.
Unless you are trying to climb him...Here's my opinion and I know Gary Bettman reads this blog because he has little else to do; The NHL is missing a great opportunity to acknowledge not only John Scott but the type of player he is and what that type of player has brought to the game.

John Scott is an All-Star. Not for scoring goals or stopping breakaways, not for his on-ice leadership or his ability to sell hockey jerseys. He's an all-star because he did what he had to do to make it to the NHL. He represents those players that have given their lives and bodies to the game of hockey. John Kordic, Derek Boogard, Bob Probert, Wade Belak, Rick Rypien, Steve Mondator. Tough players that kept a tough game honest. And they paid for it dearly. And at one time, they were all kids playing a game they loved. At one time, everyone who has made the NHL was an All-Star at some point in their childhood, if only in their road hockey dreams.

If it wasn't for players like John Scott, Dave Semenko, Mathew Barnaby and Bob Probert, Wayne Gretzky, Mario Lemieux and Steve Yzerman would not have brought the NHL to the next level. There would not be hundreds of extra hockey jobs both on and off the ice. TSN would never have came into existence, nor would the Olympics agree to use professional athletes (as all nations best hockey players were in the NHL system).

The NHL was always a tough league; there is no shortage of stories and video clips from the 70's and 80's to provide evidence. Players like John Scott represent hockey's true first responders, the ones who were there to defend a teammate who was receiving undue liberties. They were unofficial referees and handed out school ground justice. Now, players like John Scott are being phased out of the game, replaced by anonymous referees and faceless bureaucrats in the NHL offices handing out suspensions and fines. Players no longer protect each other, they whine and complain about the refereeing.

The NHL is banking that the skating and scoring is what will keep selling tickets. The All-Star game is a marketing gimmick to sell specific jerseys of each team's 'marquee' players. By shadow-banning John Scott, they are forgetting what has always been their bread and butter, what the NHL was built on; a simple kid making it through hard work, discipline and toughness. That's what original NHL fans liked and that's who they voted for. Someone who reminds them of them when they were kids - but made it, even if it's only for less than seven minutes a game.

The John Scotts of the NHL should be represented at the All-Star Game. Simply put, without them there would be a lot less All-Stars.

And potential future boyfriends...

Radiohead's albums, from worst to first.

Ever read something that someone wrote online that you had a vested interest in? I didn't think I ever had until I read a stupid 'List-icle' about Radiohead, rating their studio albums from worst to first.

I knew I was in the presence of someone relatively new to the game of writing lists from the completely subjective selection of his list - no facts behind his choices, just bare, personal reasoning. Well, I can do that too. The writer pissed me off immediately by stating Pablo Honey was Radiohead's worst album and it just got worse from there. His top pick was 'In Rainbows', calling it the album above all others, Radiohead's pinnacle of success. Say wha????

So in an effort to put things right (and I'm suffering a case of writer's block right now) I'm going to make my own goddamn subjective list of Radiohead's albums. Starting with;

King of Limbs is currently their last 'official' album, made back in 2011. I put this last because it's been four years and I never heard of it, have no interest in listening to it (maybe because the cover art is pretty creepy). But in the name of fairness and subjectivity I have it on right now in the background so i might edit this higher later but currently 'meh' comes to mind. No guitars, drum beats - it seems like Thom and the boys have gone full electronica.  #7 Hail to the Thief  
Hail To The Thief came out in 2003. I remember the song 2+2=5 with its obvious reference to Orwell's 1984. But other than that, I don't recall much of the album. Hail to the Thief made it official Radiohead was daring its original fan base to follow them out of the safe confines of guitar 4/4 time. I didn't. In hindsight, it feels like a 'let's just do this and get out of our studio contract' type album, probably because of what is #6; #6 Amnesiac
If I recall, Amnesiac was a mash-up of all the songs that didn't make the cut for Kid A. It was rumored Kid A could have been a double album but the studio was pushing for the kids to put out something to follow OK Computer. So Kid A came first, followed by this 8 months later. Personally, I think this quick delivery (read; cash grab) of Amnesiac may have been the moment Radiohead decided to get out of their EMI contract and do their own thing. They only had one more album to deliver (Hail to the Thief) and then they could do things their way or no way.#5 Pablo Honey 
'Mr. Big-Time List Maker' stated this was Radiohead's worst album, which made me create this whole post. In rebuttal; Pablo Honey was an amazing debut album released in 1993 at the height of the grunge movement. It contained samples of everything from the million-selling, self-loathing 'grungy' lullaby of Creep, to the satirical 'Anyone Can Play Guitar' criticizing the whole grunge movement. Then there was the optimistic 'Stop Whispering'. It was strong in basic band fundamentals; guitars and drums. The other tracks jumped between the roots of stadium rock to a hint of what was to come with The Bends in my personal favourite of the album; 'Lurgee'.   #4 Kid A
Kid A was Radiohead's much anticipated follow-up to Ok Computer which was unarguably the best album to come out of the United Kingdom since U2's Joshua Tree. I'll talk more about OK later. Kid A was the fork in the road so to speak for Radiohead and their fans. They swerved further out into the territory that made OK so unusual to mixed results. A lot of guitar was gone, a lot of jazz samples and drum machines were added. The meaningful out-of-touch lyrics of OK were also replaced by a collage of statements mixed together to create its own statement, 'How to Disappear Completely' is apparently in reference to something Michael Stype said to Thom Yorke on dealing with their new found fame. It was risky; Radiohead wasn't trying to go back to the well for their fans anymore; much like The Beatles decided to do with Sgt. Pepper, they moved into new territory (the kick-ass National Anthem). You get what you got out of it and if you decided to stick around, so be it. And it did feature this great song used in the opening of Vanilla Sky.#3 In Rainbows
Synchronicity. The last link (if you clicked it) led to 'Everything in It's Right Place' and I think #3 is the right place for In Rainbows. It was a complete game changer, released independently with a 'pay what you want' attitude, Radiohead was able to take music distribution to a different level. While other musicians chose to start their own labels with limited success (ie. Prince, Madonna), Radiohead created a system with no accountability. Nobody knew if In Rainbows sold well or how much the band made from it (except Radiohead). The album itself bridged the gap somewhat between the style of OK Computer and the band's foray into electronic music. There is the myth surrounding this is a compendium album for OK Computer in which you alternate tracks between the two. It's worth an experimental listen. #2 The Bends
It was hard to determine which I would give 2nd to - In Rainbows was a game changer distribution wise. However, The Bends was a game changer musical wise. A successful second album for any band is perhaps one of the toughest feats to accomplish. You either maintain, build, or lose your audience. The Bends was an amazing album that succeeded despite itself. The band was having trouble with their debut success, pressures from the studio to follow-up a similar Pablo Honey and an urge to create their 'own sound'. Yet, they managed to come out with what seemed like a highly personal album full of social commentary (Fake Plastic Trees), driving guitar (Just) and the personal soul searching of 'Street Spirit' Fade Out, also their last track which left me wanting more. While Pablo Honey introduced Radiohead to the general populace, The Bends made them more than a one hit wonder. #1 OK COMPUTER

Could there have been any doubt? According to Mr. Listicles, there was. In Rainbows? Really? As foreshadowed previously, OK Computer topped most reputable music critics' lists as the top album of the decade (and most importantly, mine as well). It was the album that reached out to the disaffected youth of the UK and America in much the same way as U2's Joshua Tree back in the 80's. It embraced and touched on something lacking in all of us, using a mix of old and new musical techniques, foreshadowing where Radiohead was going and acknowledging where it came from. Karma Police, Paranoid Android, Airbag, Exit Music, Lucky all set up an album that  to me felt like it was coming from a place I knew but hadn't been to yet. And it did that far into the new Millennium. It was the album I fell asleep to.

There. Now I can fall asleep.

One of my favourite South Park bits - teaching, 80s style...

http://i.imgur.com/CfBMSJ2.gifv

Zombies.

Zombies. The 'It' Scourge.

Zombies, keeping it PG-friendly since 2015!Love'm or hate'm, and let's be honest here, zombies are here to stay. For every one zombie movie/video game concept shot down, 3 more rise to take its place.  From Walking Dead to Plants Vs. Zombies to Black Ops, zombies continue to be the Beatles of the Undead.

Seriously, Google Search is amazing...Hollywood has tried rebooting vampires, werewolves and mummys. Even Godzilla makes a resurgence every few years in an effort to try to brand itself on popular culture the way a Good Zombie plague has done. Yet nothing has been able to take the crown of the Undead away from these mindless drones that symbolize humanity's need to conform to just about anything put in front of them.



Star Wars fans are closest, IMO.The box office agrees. And while technically destroying the brain stem from the spinal cord is the only manly way to kill a zombie, that's not as much fun as doing it as creatively as possible. All it takes is a little imagination and to be a co-star in any movie that predominantly has 'Blank Of The
Dead' in the title. Spoiler Alert; there has been a LOT of movies showing creative ways to kill a zombie. Yet for all those creative decapitations, zombies usually have a pretty good killing percentage relying solely on their one method; vicious biting and occasional limb-tearing. While they have gotten quicker, more numerous and definitely scarier in recent years they still have yet to master firearms so until then, we all still have a fighting chance.

First, a brief and plagiarized history of the modern zombie from Wikipedia:

The English word "zombie" is first recorded in 1819, in a history of Brazil by the poet Robert Southey, in the form of "zombi".One of the first books to expose Western culture to the concept of the Vodou zombie was The Magic Island by W.B. Seabrook in 1929. This is the sensationalized account of a narrator who encounters voodoo cults in Haiti and their resurrected thralls.In 1932, Victor Halperin directed  White Zombie , a horror film starring Bela Lugosi. Here zombies are depicted as mindless, unthinking henchmen under the spell of an evil magician (so...like facebook users-ed). Zombies, often still using this voodoo-inspired rationale, were initially uncommon in cinema, but their appearances continued sporadically through the 1930s to the 1960s, with notable films including  I Walked with a Zombie  (1943) and  Plan 9 from Outer Space  (1959).How these creatures came to be called "zombies" is not fully clear. The film Night of the Living Dead made no spoken reference to its undead antagonists as "zombies", describing them instead as "ghouls". Although George Romero used the term "ghoul" in his original scripts, in later interviews he used the term "zombie". The word "zombie" is used exclusively by Romero in his 1978 script for his sequel Dawn of the Dead , including once in dialog. According to George Romero, film critics were influential in associating the term "zombie" to his creatures, and especially the French magazine "Les Cahiers du Cinéma". 
So there you go - even the godfather of modern zombies, George Romero didn't refer to them as zombies as the widely considered true zombie film Night of the Living Dead.

We instead owe that great honour to the French. So next time you watch a zombie cross your screen, this is who you should thank;
If you want a large list of zombie movies that will never be complete, click here. Which is so amazingly long, I've decided to pick out some of my favourites and present them in Zombie-Oscar Like Fashion or another plagiarized idea picked from an image Google search; 
Most Specifically Descriptive title Award The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies.Award for Title that Tries Too Hard;  Night of the Day of the Dawn of the Son of the Bride of the Return of the Revenge of the Terror of the Attack of the Evil, Mutant, Alien, Flesh Eating, Hellbound, Zombified Living Dead Part 2: In Shocking 2-D What were You Expecting Award;  Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead Zombie Love Story Award  Graveyard Alive: A Zombie Nurse in Love You're Not Even Trying Anymore Award;  Zombiegeddon The I'm Horny for Zombies Award;  Zombie Strippers The Very Specific Zombie Award;  Big Tits Zombie The Animals as Zombies Award;  Zombeavers The I Think You Are Stretching the Definition Award;  Weekend at Bernie's II The 'Thank God that Title Isn't Literal' Award;  Violent Shit III: Infantry of Doom  Best Zombie Movie to Trick A Date Into Watching;  Sugar Hill Worst Name for A Zombie Movie;  Surf II The Easiest Challenge Award;  Ninjas vs. Zombies Hardest Zombie Opponent Award;  Kung Fu Zombie Easiest Zombies To Hide From Award;  Return of the Blind Dead Best Wordplay/Religious Theme Award;  Gory Gory Hallelujah Best Wordplay/Romance Theme Award;  Boy Eats Girl Best Ignored Advice Award;  Don't Go in the House Not the Chris Farley Movie Award;  Black Sheep The Best Zombie Movie Made by A LOTR Director Award;  Braindead That Doesn't Sound Very Scary Award;  Night of the Seagulls Talk to Your Travel Agent Zombie Award;  Nudist Colony of the Dead
So many titles to youtube...

Y'all wanna hear a story?

If you haven't really appreciated your life in the last few days, consider this epic tale from another world.

Follow the whole story here.